Broderick Ruthford knelt reverently in the moonlit clearing, pressing the tip of his blade into the cool grass, and closing his eyes. His left hand went to his neck, where his holy Avacyn collar hung, and he grasped it like a drowning man would flotsam. His right hand rested upon the hilt of his sword, crafted of blessed silver, as he prayed earnestly for peace, focus, and, most importantly, strength.
When a shambling corpse - of what, he did not care to look and see - stumbled into the clearing, it burst into silver flame. Broderick did not open his eyes, and continued praying. He prayed for the souls of his lost companions, slaughtered this last night as they hunted the Skaaberen that had terrorized eastern Gavony for months. Knight-Initiate Evelynn. Inquisitor Duro. His fellow Knight-Cathar, and brother, Percival. His grip tightened upon his blade, and it sunk another inch into the earth. He prayed that his mind would not be clouded by vengeance, that his hate would not deny his companions the blessed sleep.
There was justice to be had, but it was Avacyn’s justice, and not his own. Three more skaabs clambered into the clearing, meeting the same, fiery fate, before Broderick stood, his resolve strengthened. These pitiful creatures were little more than ghouls. No doubt the dross of the Skaaberen’s craft. They had not even the strength to enter the ground he had hallowed before kneeling to pray.
He knew from experience that the rest of his mission would not be so easy.
When his elite force had been dispatched to cleanse the moors of eastern Gavony from the menace of a mad Skaaberen, they had met only token resistance at first. Since the shattering of the Helvault and the subsequent liberation of Thraben (the miracle of which still filled his heart with awe), the Cathars, along with the renewed, heavenly Flights, had been bringing Avacyn’s justice to all of Innistrad. Reports from eastern Gavony had been positive, though the mad Skaaberen had eluded his fate thus far. They had expected Skaabs. They had expected danger.
They had not expected… that.
Broderick stayed alert as he trekked through the moors. Their intelligence had indicated that the Skaaberen’s lab was hidden within a cavern, surrounded by dense foliage, and hidden from view. Their scouts had confirmed this. Skaabs had trickled forth from the cave mouth, he had been told. Though they lacked the coordination usually indicative of a Skaaberen’s control, (and the “craftsmanship”, Broderick noted with disgust) they were still a menace to any traveler attempting to brave the roads.
He and his companions had found the cave mouth last night. Broderick remembered the path. He remembered as well what they had found waiting for them there. A monster that defied description, that no reports had warned them of, nor any living thing had seen before. Save for him. He tightened his grip on his blade. Last night, retreat had been his only option. Tonight, he would end the creature or follow his brethren into the blessed sleep.
A few more shambling Skaabs fell to his blade as he retraced his steps. Rotting wretches hardly worth his consideration. He remembered how Knight-Initiate Evelynn had laughed as the creatures fell before her blade. She had always been seeking a challenge, trying to prove her worth, trying to win his approval. Instead, at the time, he had frowned and ordered her to temper her enthusiasm. Stay alert. If Broderick had known what had awaited them, he would have laughed with her. He would have told her what fine Cathar she would make one day.
He remembered Evelynn’s screams as fire had consumed her, melding her mail and flesh until a blackened, sizzling husk fell to the ground.
Broderick gritted his teeth.
Over the next hill, Broderick crouched. He could see the yawning maw of the great cavern behind a thick screen of dark foliage. In the bright light of the moon, he could see only a few Skaabs, roaming blindly in the dark. He remembered how Inquisitor Duro had growled about the sense of foreboding he felt. Skaabs did not move like that, he had said. These things were little more than ghouls, he had said. To emphasize his point, he had felled a particularly lethargic Skaab with his crossbow. The creature had simply fallen over and ceased moving. Too easy, Duro had muttered. If Broderick had known how right he was, he would have paid more attention to the paranoid Inquisitor.
Duro deserved better than to be crushed and smeared against the cavern walls by the vile claws of that monster.
He began his slow descent down the hill, towards the cavern. Cautiously, this time. He remembered how Percival had strode forward with confidence, using the weight of his enormous mace to sweep aside both undergrowth and Skaabs alike. They had been searching all day and into the night for the cavern. He had insisted they press on - he wanted to be done with this venture and return by morning. Broderick admired his courage, but not so much his impatience. But Percival had kept their spirits up during this journey.
The monster had bitten him in half. Broderick still remembered the wet noise as Percival's legs slid from the beast's enormous, cancerous maw.
The Skaabs had ceased coming. Broderick watched the mouth of the cavern warily. Before, they had simply strode up to it, ready, or so they thought, to face any danger. Together. Now, Broderick faced what he knew was certain death. And he would have to do it alone.
...No, not alone. He still had Avacyn to guide him. With a prayer, he felt his faith manifest into light. He stood, and cast his hand forward. A ball of pure, white energy shot forth from his hand to illuminate the inside of the cavern. He would draw the beast out. He would fight it in the open.
His small ball of faith illuminated only portions of the creature as it traversed to the back of the cavern. The great scaled back. The torn, tattered wings. The long bolts and plates of metal that lined its rotted, reptilian form. The eye sockets, glowing eerily with a pale blue color. The toothy snout, bare of flesh and muscle. Shattered, twisted metal lined the floor alongside bones and offal. Broderick's jaw clenched as a dull, acidic smell mixed with rot assaulted him. Then, the beast stirred.
A low growl, the sound of impending doom, rumbled from the cavern. Broderick steeled himself as the creature shifted, stood, and swatted at the light with a ruined wing. It vanished into darkness once more. A small, orange spark followed by a clicking sound were the only things that saved him from a fate similar to Evelynn’s. He rolled to one side just as a pillar of flame shot forth from the mouth of the cave, and the creature drew itself out to stand in the moonlight.
How a Skaaberen had reanimated a dragon, Broderick would never know.
He straightened as the monster roared, a wet and angry sound. Broderick could still see his brother’s blood on the dragon’s teeth. He grimaced as the creature charged him, and he ducked back into the undergrowth. The creature had been reluctant to follow before, and Broderick knew it could not fly, nor navigate the dense growth with any speed. It crashed into the trees with a roar, and Broderick heard the clicking noise once more. Skaabs were not supposed to shoot fire. They were supposed to be consumed by it. Broderick dove for cover as flame flew over his head, and tossed a glance backwards. The dragon was clumsily attempting to bowl over a few, thick trees that blocked it from its prey.
Broderick smelled smoke, and understood that trees behind him had been lit aflame. He smiled grimly to himself.
Perfect.
He lifted his blade and, with a shout, charged at the dragon as quickly as the thick undergrowth would allow. The monster saw him coming, the blue witch-fire of its eyes flickering with unholy rage. He ducked its snapping jaws, and brought his silver blade up into the rotted flesh of the creature's throat. Or so he had hoped, but his blade skidded against a steel plate, leaving the beast unharmed. Having failed to achieve his goal, he found himself in the precarious position of being directly below the dragon.
Broderick managed to tumble to one side, narrowly avoiding the wicked claws of the dragon-skaab. It growled in frustration, and the clicking from the back of its throat began once more. This time, however, Broderick did not have time to move out of the way. Instead, he raised his sword as the flames erupted from the dragon’s mouth, shouting a prayer to Avacyn. White light enshrouded him as he held up his blade. The fire surrounded him, but left him unharmed. The dragon-skaab was charging him when the flames cleared, and he brought his blade up even as the creature’s claws reached for him.
Still glowing with holy light, his silver blade deflected the dragon's claws, and he scored a deep gash on the dragon’s flank. The smell was awful, and it began to ooze a viscous, black substance. Broderick shouted in triumph, and backed away from the creature. Most of the trees were on fire now. He needed only get it to follow him a little farther…
The dragon, not sensing its imminent demise, charged at Broderick, who ran deeper into the burning wood.
Behind him, an explosion threw him off his feet and into a thick tree. A horrid, animalistic scream followed, and Broderick, dazed, most likely concussed, attempted to stand and watch the dragon-skaab burn to death.
Unfortunately, the unholy creature was spiteful. Before Broderick could see what was happening, the dragon, flesh flaking away as it was immolated from the inside, made one last desperate attack to slay its slayer. Its claw tore into Broderick’s chest and belly, the heat of the fire that was destroying the Skaab causing Borderick to shriek in agony. They fell, then. Skaab and Cathar. The blasphemous light left the Skaab’s eyes. Broderick, trying to hold his guts in, leaned back against the tree. Time slowed down.
He was going to die, he knew that. He understood that a part of him was on fire, but he could not remember why that was a problem. His mind fixated on the dead - now, dead again - dragon. He had done it. It would terrorize no one, ever again. He had not located the Skaaberen - but there was nothing alive in that cavern. Not anymore. This would have to be enough. It would have… to be enough.
“Hey now, Captain.” Evelynn sat down next to him, apparently unfazed by the burning forest around her. Somehow, it seemed right. “Stay alert.” She gave him her brightest smile, and he felt his heart break.
“S-sorry…” He coughed. Smoke. Everywhere there was smoke.
“Apologies won’t do you any good,” grumbled Duro, who was now standing behind Evellyn. “you have to live, soldier. If you’re sorry, you’ll live.” The Inquisitor never smiled, but at least he was not frowning.
“Can’t…” He managed, shaking his head weakly. The flames were getting closer. He was so tired. “Sleep…”
“Broderick, snap out of it!” Percival was kneeling in front of him now. Broderick almost felt his brother's hands on his shoulders. “You can do this. I believe in you.” Broderick tried to chuckle, but tears streamed down his cheeks and instead, he just shook his head.
“Failed you…” He choked, unable to sob.
“You’ve failed no one, Broderick Ruthford.” All at once, the smoke and heat vanished. Broderick stood in the center of a field of pale moonlight, completely whole. Around him stood his companions, and before him, an angel. She smiled down on him benevolently, and he understood that his spirit had passed. She was to take him to his eternal rest. As if hearing his thoughts, she raised her hand. “No, Broderick. You are Blessed. The Sleep is not for you, not yet. These ones-” She gestured to his companions. “Wished to say goodbye.”
“I’m proud of you, Captain.”
“Eyes peeled, soldier.”
“Keep your courage, brother.”
Broderick did not know what to say, his throat tight, his vision blurry.
“Sleep well, my friends.” He managed, trying to memorize their faces. The angel touched his shoulder, smiling down at him, and suddenly, all the light in the world vanished.
When Broderick awoke, it was to birdsong and sunlight. The smell of smoke and burnt flesh was gone completely. He sat up, and as he gazed down at himself, he saw that he was healed. Not even a scar. A miracle. Blessed, the angel had said. He felt his heart swell with forlorn pride, a new determination settling over him as he stood, gazing around the forest glade. Beneath the green of new growth, he could see the scars of his battle. But life would always overtake death, he thought to himself. He would be there to make sure of that.
If not for himself, then for them.
This is for the Innistrad Anthology - posting it now at Tevish's request. The story is meant to go into the New Moon section, to replace Un Bon Vein Rouge.
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Last edited by RuwinReborn on Sun Jan 19, 2014 11:55 am, edited 4 times in total.
Joined: Sep 22, 2013 Posts: 5700 Location: Inside my own head
Identity: Human
Assuming that this is exactly the same as I read earlier today in the M:EM tumblr thread, here's my feedback: (written after the edits from Raven's feedback)
Spoiler
I'm sorry, but every single time I read "Broderick" I thought "it's pronounced Froe-der-ick Frahn-ken-steen". --------- Small typo:
Quote:
Since the shattering of the Helvault and the subsequent liberation of Thraben (The miracle of which still filled his heart with awe), the Cathars, along with the renewed, heavenly Flights, had been bringing Avacyn’s justice to all of Innistrad.
The words in parentheses doesn't need to be capitalized, as far as I know. I'm not a grammar expert, so I might be wrong.
I really noticed this line:
Quote:
Scouts, protected by their new allies, the Wolfir, had confirmed this.
Because it feels like you're trying to shoehorn in the wolfir in the story, to make sure you cover all of Avacyn Restored.
Typo:
Quote:
(and the “craftsmanship”, Broderick noted with disgust.) they were still a menace to any traveler attempting to brave the roads.
There shouldn't be a period inside the parentheses.
Typo:
Quote:
He could see the hunch of the great cavern
I don't know what you were going for, but "hunch" isn't the right word here. -------- Aren't maces blunt objects, whereas morning stars are the ones with spikes? I ask because how do you clear undergrowth with a mace? ---------- Typo:
Quote:
The monster had bitten him in half. Broderick still remembered the wet noise as Percivals legs slid from the beats enormous, cancerous maw.
Should be "beast's", not "beats".
Typo:
Quote:
His small ball of faith illuminated only portions of the creature as it traverse to the back of the cavern.
Should be "traversed" (past tense). --------- What is a "chemical smell?" I feel there is a better descriptor out there, though I can't provide one off the top of my head. --------- Typo:
Quote:
just as a pillar of flame shot forth from the mouth of the cave, and the creature drews itself out to stand in the moonlight.
Should be "drew" instead of "drews".
Questionable:
Quote:
Skaaberen were not supposed to shoot fire. They were supposed to be consumed by it.
In reference to the dragon. Aren't Skaaberen the Frankenstein-scientists, and skaabs the undead monsters?
Grammar:
Quote:
he scored a deep gash on the dragon’s flank. The smell was awful, but it began to ooze a viscous, black substance.
Probably should be "and it began to ooze".
I was going to comment that the story feels kind of disjointed and segmented because of all the singular sentences where they could be compound, until I had the realization that it's purposeful, to reflect the cobbled-together nature of skaabs. It works particularly well since the main antagonist is an uncoordinated skaab monstrosity instead of a calm and calculating Skaberen scientist.
Overall, as a replacement for Un Bon Vein Rouge, it works. There are those number of typos and concerns I came across, though, so I'll withhold my vote until I hear back from you.
Yea for me. I also like the "Skaab, but no skaberen" theme, and the second chance/angelic mercy. I not only feel that this deserves inclusion on its own, but also that it will slot right in to Un Bon Vein's vacated locale on the lineup, which is a nice bonus.
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"Enjoy your screams, Sarpadia - they will soon be muffled beneath snow and ice."
I'm a (self) published author now! You can find my books on Amazon in Paperback or ebook! The Accursed, a standalone young adult fantasy adventure. Witch Hunters, book one of a young adult Scifi-fantasy trilogy.
As for the Wolfir, I figured I'd just mention them, but if it's distracting, there's really no reason to do so. I went ahead and removed it since it has literally no impact on the story. Type "Skaab" and "Skaaberen" over and over is really distracting and honestly I'm surprised I didn't mix it up more than twice. Kudos to me.
Thanks for the help.
@Tevish: The main reason I did not include the Skaaberen was because I absolutely LOATHED the idea of having some mad scientist gloating in the background while Broderick was trying to kill a zombie-dragon. I figured it was appropriate that the Skaaberen had paid for his crimes off-screen and with little fanfare. The price of hubris and all that. Glad you liked it.
Joined: Sep 22, 2013 Posts: 5700 Location: Inside my own head
Identity: Human
One other thing I'd like to note: I'm not entirely sold on the title, Blessed, since we already have a work in the Anthology titled Blessed Be My Guilt (not sure on the capitalization). It's not something I would say works against it -it does fit the story- but I feel it might be easy to confuse the two when talking about them.
Other than that, I'm pretty comfortable voting Yea.
To be fair, even if you did miss typos in someone else's story, your submissions are usually flawless (spelling-wise). If it helps any, I keep a running note open whenever I read something around here, so that I can write down things as I come across them. That's also why my feedback is kind of disjointed instead of something like [all the typos->all the strange/awkward wording->lines that stood out (for good or bad)->general impressions]; although I do put my general impressions at the end of the note regardless of when I write them down.
First off, I think it's great, and I'm voting "yea."
Second, I spotted some more typos. Which kind of makes me feel like a jerk for piling-on, but we edit because we love.
Original text below, my comments in italics:
Spoiler
His fellow Knight-Cather, and brother, Percival.
Cathar.
These pitiful creatures were little more than a ghouls. No doubt the dross of the Skaberen’s craft. They had not even the strength to enter the ground he had hallowed before kneeling to pray.
The "a" before "ghouls" is an extra word, and "Skaaberen" is missing the double "a."
Broderick stayed alert as he trecked through the moors.
Trekked.
The monster had bitten him in half. Broderick still remembered the wet noise as Percivals legs slid from the beast's enormous, cancerous maw.
Percival's.
The dragon was clumsily attempting to bull over a few, thick trees the blocked it from its prey.
I'm not familiar with this expression, although it seems like a plausible usage of "bull." I read it as "bowl over," though. And I'm assuming it should be "that blocked" instead of "the blocked."
The monster saw him coming, the muscles around its ruined snout contorting in a savage snarl.
I'm getting super picky here, but earlier the dragon's snout is described as being without flesh or muscle.
He ducked its snapping jaws, and brought his silver blade up into the rotted flesh of the creatures throat.
Creature's.
Still glowing with holy light, his silver blade deflected the dragons claws, and he scored a deep gash on the dragon’s flank.
Dragon's claws.
“Hey now, Captain.” Evellyn sat down next to him, apparently unfazed by the burning forest around her.
I notice that sometimes she's "Evellyn," and other times she's "Evelynn."
“Apologies won’t do you any good.” Grumbled Duran, who was now standing behind Evellyn.
I think you want a comma after "good" and a lower-case "g" on grumbled? Also, the inquisitor is Duro elsewhere.
Broderick almost felt his brothers hands on his shoulders.
Brother's.
_________________
"And remember, I'm pullin' for ya, 'cause we're all in this together." - Red Green
Literally, every time I wrote "Duro", I had to erase "Duran" first. I can't tell you why I did not go with the latter and save myself the trouble, but I'm a stubborn person.
Literally, every time I wrote "Duro", I had to erase "Duran" first. I can't tell you why I did not go with the latter and save myself the trouble, but I'm a stubborn person.
Would you say that writing "Duran" over and over again was the reflex?
_________________
"And remember, I'm pullin' for ya, 'cause we're all in this together." - Red Green
I'm a (self) published author now! You can find my books on Amazon in Paperback or ebook! The Accursed, a standalone young adult fantasy adventure. Witch Hunters, book one of a young adult Scifi-fantasy trilogy.
Now that this poll is officially over, it's time to congratulate Aaarrrgh for designing Hill, which has been decided by popular vote to be the Card of the Month for October 2013!
This work has been Accepted as part of the upcoming Innistrad Anthology. Because of this fact a thread in the Archives subforum will not be added for it until Seasons of Dusk has been officially released. I will leave this thread unlocked for now.
-For Keeper: I will get this properly formatted and sent off to you when I can.
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