Skin Deep, by Tevish Szat

There is no punctuation at the end of entry 1865.3.1.3. Also, you have a reference to Nyx in entry 1865.2.9. Other than that, I think this is brilliant! Voting yea.

I'll just echo my comments on the original post - very atmospheric, enjoyed reading it. Thumbs up from me.

Both those issues should now be fixed.

Yay! I gave feedback which mattered!

...Creepy.

I vote yea!

I became aware of the oddly numerous ellipses. It's not something a personal journal is likely to contain, unless the person in question likes being kooky. I would opt for a dash instead, or perhaps just a line break without punctuation.

Typo:




Having recently read a well-done journal-style supernatural horror fic that kept me up an additional 2 hours after I read it and gave me a nightmare or two, I can't say I particularly like the way this is done. Mostly, I think it's a tad too short, that you could have gone much further with it. The transformation of our narrator comes on rather quickly, and it's only three entries from "well, now I'm hearing whispers, too" to "damn them all, they don't understand!" (Entries Expedition Journal: 1865.2.9.21, 1865.2.9.23, and 1865.3.1.1, so you know). It never built up in a meaningful or creepy way, it's just "this happened, that happened, this strange thing happened," then BLAM! "I hope you all die, I've seen the truth."

I also kind of dislike how the Death God is kind of just dropped there like a prop. I mean, I get that we the readers are supposed to connect the whispers and fury to the corpse (fossil?), and it's left open for use by the next story, but since there's just the one entry on it specifically, it's not exactly built up. There doesn't seem to be any real emotion from the character about the thing. (I also had a little problem understanding that last paragraph, but that's just awkward phrasing and ultimately not related.)

It is very atmospheric, but I feel like it tries a little too hard to be. Especially since there's a very cold detachment throughout by our narrator. The only time he seems at all shook up is when they have to kill the wizard. (I cannot remember any of their names, but again that isn't a point against you; it's mostly that there isn't enough time to get to know them.)

I think you could take this a lot further, and as such I'm going to say Nay for now, because I can't specify exactly what I want for a NAI vote.

This one took a little time to grow on my, but once it got going, I really enjoyed it. Part of it reminded me of my own "Allo's Fortnight," and that sort of survival horror genre, which I love. As for the characterizations, the only one I think really suffers from it is Bederd. The others seemed like they were either fine, or didn't need to be fleshed out.

I only have three (very minor) complaints:



Anyway, overall I liked this piece. Again, I'm picking up some Lovecraft influence here, which is by no means a bad thing. This definitely gets a "Yea" from me.

I understand Lord Luna's complaints and I also wish it was a bit longer. The main reason I'd make it longer is to give all the characters some room to exist. I was able to remember three or so name while reading, but if the other people came up a little more often I would probably have to scroll up less to check their job description.

I'm going to echo the NAI, despite liking this piece.

With a majority of Yeas over Nays, this work has been Accepted into the Archives.