Children of a Lesser Planeswalker
Present Day Erik Sylvaine took a long, overdramatic sigh as he looked over the unhappy class. After a long moment, he said, “So…what have we learned?”
Seven Days Earlier “Alright, class, everyone settle down," Erik Sylvaine said as he walked into the Family Living classroom. “We have quite the week ahead of us here.”
“Mr. Sylvaine?” Rimarra said as she raised her hand.
“Yes?”
“What’s with these dolls? They’re kind of creepy.”
The rest of the class murmured their agreement. Erik smiled slightly. “Well, as you know, we have been discussing over the past week or so the various difficulties that come with raising children. This week, you will all get to experience those difficulties firsthand!”
Lourima raised her hand. “Can I just go ahead and ‘nope’ right out of this right now?”
“I’m afraid not, Lourima,” Erik said. “This is for a grade. Now, on your desks you see the practice dolls. These are pieces of advanced technology designed to, at least somewhat, simulate the process of caring for a child. Each of you will be expected to care for your respective children over this next week.”
“How the **** are we supposed to do that?” Orida asked, once more annoyed that she had been talked into taking this class.
“Every so often, at more or less random intervals, your doll will ‘cry.’ When that happens, you will need to figure out what is wrong. It might be hungry, in which case you will need to feed it with those fake bottles you see there. It might have relieved itself, and you will need to change its diapers. It may be scared, and you will need to comfort it. We will be going over all the things you will need to do here in class today.”
“Oh, this is going to be fun!” Urassaya said, clapping her hands in excitement. “Do we get to quad up and work in fours like a real family?”
“Not this time,” Erik said. “We’re going to try this as single parents first.”
Present Day Urassaya raised her hand. “Um, we learned that we shouldn’t have done this as single parent teenagers for our first try?”
Erik frowned. “While I’m sure there is a lesson there, Ms. Vath, many single parents do a wonderful job caring for their children. Besides, I more meant, ‘what were some of the mistakes you students made that the rest of the class might benefit from knowing?’”
“Oh,” Urassaya said sadly. “Well, I guess I’ll go first. I learned two very important things, I guess. First, infants are not ready to fly, and second, my grip is not what I thought it was…”
Six Days Earlier “Oh, shoot!” Urassaya exclaimed suddenly.
“What’s the matter?” Daneera asked her. They were both in the locker room after gym class, and had just finished changing back into their regular clothes.
“This stupid baby is crying! Again!” Urassaya groaned in frustration. “I swear, mine must be glitched or something. Nobody else’s cries as often as mine.”
“That’s for the Family Living class, right?” Daneera asked. “Yeah, I stayed far away from that one.”
“It’s a fun class, overall, even if it does have a very clear one-or-two parent family bias. But this frickin’ doll is driving me crazy. The worst part is that I forgot the bottle on the other side of campus, and I’ve tried everything else we went over in class. I need to get over there quick.”
Daneera did some fast calculations. “Well, at a good run, you can probably get there and back in about ten minutes.”
“No time! This things already been going for a while. It records how long it cries, you know. Mr. Sylvaine will know!”
“Well, five minutes then, but you’ll have to run with the baby.”
“That will jostle it too much, and still take me five or six minutes…” Urassaya thought for a moment. “I’m going to have to fly with it.”
Daneera gave her an unconvinced look. “Are you sure that’s a good idea?”
“It’ll be fine,” Urassaya said, grabbing the doll by its arm and running for the outside door.
Present Day “I thought it would be fine,” Urassaya said. “I was wrong.” She indicated toward the doll on her desk, or more accurately, the wreckage of a doll. “This is going to hurt my grade, isn’t it, Mr. Sylvaine?”
Erik didn’t answer, but he, Urassaya, and everyone else in the room already knew. Instead, Erik turned his attention to the rest of the class. “So, high altitudes do not seem to agree with children. Did anyone else discover anything about children and the environment?”
“I think it’s safe to say that I did,” Ethal said sadly.
Five Days Earlier “Hey, Ethal,” Gale said cheerfully. “You ready for the meet this weekend?”
“You bet! I’m on pace to break my personal best! Maybe a record or two if I’m really lucky. How about you?”
The two swimmers were at the school’s practice pool, and Gale was already in her swimsuit. “You better believe it. I was just about to do a couple sets. Wanna do’em with me? I could use the competition.”
“You’ve got yourself a race, girl. Let’s do this!”
Just then, a high-pitched whine emanated from Ethal’s duffle bag, causing Ethal herself to groan. “Oh, damn. Hold on a sec.”
Even as Ethal spoke, Gale was already diving into the pool. She warmed up by swimming to the other side and back while Ethal ran through the process. When Gale returned, Ethal seemed frustrated.
“Well, it’s not hungry and it doesn’t need changing. It’s just crying to cry, I guess.”
“Needs comforting, maybe?” Gale ventured.
“Probably, but seriously, I want to swim! And what if this happens at the meet this weekend? This is bull shark.”
“I’m sure you’ll be fine,” Gale said. “You’re a natural swimmer.”
“Yeah, and if I had a child, the kid would be, too,” Ethal said, thinking to herself. “Hmm. Screw it. Let’s swim. I’ll just keep the doll with me.”
“Uhh, do you think that’s a good idea? Isn’t it electronic or something?”
Ethal shrugged. “I’m sure students have given them baths in the past. They undoubtedly made them waterproof. Let’s go!”
Present Day “If I could make a note, Mr. Sylvaine?” Ethal said. “Maybe make these things waterproof in the future?”
“Maybe don’t submerge your child for…” Erik looked down at his notes, “…seven minutes next time, Ethal?”
Many of the other students laughed, particularly Orida, who was sitting next to the merfolk and her waterlogged doll. Erik refocused on her next. “And how did things go with your doll, Ms. Vise?”
Four Days Earlier “Are you even awake, Tack?” Sharaka asked as she landed another combo. “I mean, if you need me to play blindfolded or something, just let me know.”
Orida groaned and she gripped her controller tighter, pounding away on the buttons with her thumb, moving the controller to her left as if they had motion controls. A moment later, Sharaka finished the match with a simple leg sweep, which made Orida scream out her usual profanities.
“Well, that’s five to nothing so far,” Sharaka observed. “Usually you manage at least one or two wins. Parenthood getting you down, Tack?”
Orida stuck her middle finger out at Sharaka, who grinned at her. She then moved her arm to flip off the obnoxious doll that was currently seated at the end of the couch, staring directly at Orida.
“Let’s just do this, Scales! I’ve got you this time!”
“Oh, yeah, I’ve only beaten you five times today, how can I ever hope to do it again?”
“Ahhhhh!” Orida said as she selected her character.
“Are you sure you want to play that one?” Sharaka said with a sly grin. “I mean, I don’t want to tell you your business or anything, but…”
“Just ****ing pick!” Orida yelled.
“Okay, if you’re sure,” Sharaka said with a wink.
Just as the match started, Orida’s doll started crying, and Orida screamed out in frustration. The distraction allowed Sharaka to rush in and finish her off without getting hit once. Orida screamed, then threw her controller, and then threw the doll. When it didn’t stop screaming, Orida rushed over to it and stomped it until it did.
Present Day “All things considered, surprisingly ****ing well,” Orida said. “Sorry about the boot prints…”
“The smashed technology is of a bit more pressing concern,” Erik said, “but the sentiment is appreciated, I suppose.” He turned his attention to Rimarra. “Rimarra, what did you learn last week?”
“I learned that children are expensive.”
“Expensive?” Erik said. “This project shouldn’t have cost you anything.”
“Well…”
Three Days Earlier “Thirty dollars?!?” Rimarra said, incredulously. Kimberley Talon stood there with her arm out, staring unblinking at the other girl. “Come on, yesterday it was ten!”
“Yeah?” Kimberley said. “And yesterday, that thing cried four times total. Today? It ruined my whole flippin’ day. I’m trying to do my poses and katas, and I’m stopping every few minutes to shut that stupid thing up. You can’t just bait and switch me like that! Besides, it’s your project, not mine! I’m not even in that class.”
Rimarra sighed. “Alright, fine, but I’m almost out of money, and I don’t get my allowance until Sunday. Will you watch it again today for twenty?”
“No way. I’m out,” Kimberley said. “Get yourself another sucker.”
“Oh, come on, Kimmy! I thought this kid was going to be fun, but it’s just soooo annoying! You’ve got to help me out just one more time!”
“You don’t need to tell me it’s annoying!” Kimberley said. “Look, Rimarra, I’m sorry, but this is your problem. I’m out.”
Before Rimarra could protest further, Kimberley walked off, leaving the other girl with her annoying baby doll. Exasperated, Rimarra looked around the halls for someone, anyone, who might be willing to take care of the doll so she wouldn’t have to. She had almost given up when her eyes fell on Asher. He was, as usual, standing next to his locker, looking like he was off in his own little world. Rimarra took a deep breath and walked over.
“Hey, Asher, could I ask a favor?”
“Huh?”
“It’s really easy, and I’ll pay you for it.”
“Wha…?”
“Asher? Are…are you with me here?”
“Huh? Yeah, yeah. What’s up?”
“A favor?”
“You need a favor?”
“Uh, yes. Look, I need someone to look after this doll for a while. You would just need to pretend-feed it and change it and stuff.”
“Oh, wow. Is that from Sylvaine’s class?”
“Yeah! How did you know?”
“Oh, I took that last semester,” Asher said. “It was super chill. I liked it.”
“Oh, so you’ve already taken care of one of these! That’s great! Will you watch mine for a while? I’d really appreciate it. And like I said, I’ll pay you!”
“Huh?” Asher said. “Oh, sure. I could use some cash. How about…fifteen bucks?”
“Fifteen?” Rimarra said, thinking. “I suppose fifteen for-”
“For the weekend,” Asher interrupted. “Yeah, fifteen for the weekend seems fair.”
Rimarra stared at him for a while, then nodded enthusiastically. “Deal! Here, here’s fifteen dollars. I’ll get the doll back from you Monday morning. Thanks, Asher!”
Present Day “Well, whatever you spent money on,” Erik said, “it didn’t seem to help. According to your doll’s log, you didn’t do anything to take care of it for the entire weekend! No offense, but I haven’t had anyone ignore a doll that long since Asher last semester!”
Rimarra’s face grew red, almost as red as when Asher had pulled the doll out of his locker that morning to give it back to her. Erik looked around at the class.
“Well, this project clearly could have gone better, but hopefully all of you learned a little bit about what it means to care for a child. In the future, though, maybe you should all take a few tips from Ms. Viiran.”
Suddenly, all eyes shifted over to Lourima, who stiffened slightly at the attention. The doll on her desk was the only one in the classroom still completely intact. After a long moment, she slumped. “I knew I should have just taken the ‘F.’”