I present to you the Earthcrawler Mark II. Our newly added (patent pending) Amazin' Mizzenmast improves land speed to a blazing 7km/h! So simple that ONLY a child can operate it!

I wish for a paper clip that I can bend all I want without it breaking.

Granted! You are no longer able to muster any enthusiasm for bending paperclips! You also get a regular paperclip, but you simply do not want to bend it in the slightest.

I wish to know how to accurately predict oceanic wave and weather patterns.

Granted! Oceans and seas are now completely still, and weather never moves or changes, so whatever the weather is right now is how it shall always be in that place, making it perfectly predictable!

I wish that there were a direct correlation between how good food tasted and how healthy it was for you.

This I grant you! Of course the correlation is negative. So really I didn't do anything.

I wish I had a full-size freezer.

Granted! A large freezer appears around you. It does not open from the inside.

I wish for a nice, comfortable, sturdy sofa.

Granted! Unfortunately, your mooching brother-in-law never leaves it.

I wish for a wish, but with a twist.

This... wow, you really want this huh? I fulfill your wish for death but slowly.

I wish for a wish without a twist.

Granted! I give you the game Twister, but without the Twist, so I guess it's a trip to the ER...

I wish that all places of worship were like Temples in video games.

This I grant you! Getting married now involves a pit trap. Babies need to reach lvl.7 before baptism. Janitorial supplies are a common drop, but icons of worship only drop from minibosses. Entering a church involves a block puzzle... but you get a free sword upgrade, so I guess it balances out. A lot of people die, but religion is now way less boring!

I wish bureaucracy worked faster.

Granted! Paperwork is now completed within an hour of arrival! Unfortunately, there is now a mandatory two-year "cooling off" period before they can return it, allowing bureaucrats to admire their fast work.

I wish capes would come back in fashion.

This I grant you! But know well, fashion is but a display of wealth and these capes are the domain of the wealthy.

I wish I could speak more good.

Granted! Every third word you say will be "good."

I wish mime would suddenly increase in popularity and acclaim in the public eye.

This I grant you! Mime is now the only form of communication throughout the globe. I hope your job didn't involve talking to anyone.

I wish somebody would do something about this surplus of mimes.

You got it! Mime's are now hunted nearly to extinction and slowly other forms of communication return. Sadly, the disappearance of the mimes has left a large niche, which is filled solely by sad clowns.

I wish penguins could fly.

Fool! How could you have wished for this? Isolation in the Antarctic is the only thing that kept us safe! Even my powers as a djinn are not enough to- Aghh! No! N- UG Hk gha hk ka ... guh guh hehe
ha ha... You sowed this. Be happy what you reaped.
[Slumps to floor]

I wish I was not fat- gh-hack, not fatally wounded by penguins.

Granted! Your penguin wounds have only made you mostly dead. There's a big difference between mostly dead and all dead. Mostly dead is slightly alive. Hopefully we can get you one of Miracle Max's pills soon.

I wish more people fought "Battles of wits" duels to the death.

This I, er wait... I do not know exactly what you mean by "Battle of Wits" in quotation marks. Does that mean I lose?

I wish to return from the afterlife.

Granted! A new nightclub called The Afterlife opens in your area. You go, but it is surprisingly dull, and you leave after about 45 minutes and return to where you were beforehand.

I wish I could understand what animals were saying.

You will soon wish you could not! Animals are boring as sin; the revelation will drive out from you whatever joy you drew from the natural world.

I wish animals were more interesting.

Granted! Animals are now very interesting, involving themselves in all manner of drama and intrigue. Unfortunately, now they won't shut up about it, and tend to tell the same stories over and over again.

I wish cars could be fueled by garbage.