Since my minions' body temperatures are lower than that of the soup, I pump the soup through some of them beforehand.

You took too long and the soup exploded. Miraculously you and your minions survived, but you now live in an otherwise depopulated country. How do you conquer your loneliness?

i distract myself by having my minions engage in gladiatorial combat to the death. those who are unfit for fighting will instead put on a hillbilly-themed comedic dinner theater.

a minion accidentally ate your autographed belgian black lotus because he thought it was kale. what is his punishment?

I force him to eat himself. A chunk of his flesh is cut off every day and he is left in a cell with no other food.

You have suddenly lost your appetite. How do you use your minions to solve this problem?

I task my minions with finding the best food in the world by biting everything once and taking notes.

You've just been bitten by a minion. How do you solve this problem with minions.?

I bite my minions until I figure out the precise pressure and angle needed to sever a minions head, and then get revenge on the minion that bit me by doing that thing I just described.

You have a book report due at school. How can your minions help?

I tell my teacher that a minion ate my book report, after having a minion do the thing I just told my teacher it did.

You are stuck at home due to a global pandemic, How do you solve this problem with minions.?

I dissolve minion upon minion in vats of different types of acids until I create a minion-based solvent that eats through the adhesive that is keeping me stuck at home...

Activists for Minions' rights are protesting outside your home due to your poor treatment of your minions. How are your minions going to get you out of this one?

I have my minions infiltrate the crowd and commit acts of violence to sway public opinion in favour of minion abuse.

An investigative reporter is about to break the story about your abuses on tv tonight, how do you abuse minions to solve this problem?

I send my minions to chew through the electrical wiring of the television station, frying themselves but stopping the broadcast.

A rival has challenged you to a minionless duel for supremacy. You are naturally going to cheat, but how will you use your minions to do so?

I dress up a minion to take my place in the duel. To find my deadliest minion requires a to-the-death tournament of course.

For reasons related to your latest master scheme you need a convincing forgery of a Picaso. How?

I send my Minions to every art museum that has a Picasso painting to steal them and instead hang up crudely drawn stick figure paintings that they draw. I then produce a "masterful" stick figure drawing and call it a genuine Picasso, because now nobody can tell the difference. The stick figures are, of course, drawn in minion blood.

A British secret agent is on your trail. You have already met with this "secret" agent several times, and he has told you his real name and his favorite drink. How do you sacrifice your minions to take care of this problem?

That agent seems able to overcome any trap I devise. The solution then is to create a trap to keep him out of danger which he will escape from and into certain doom. Within the caldera of an active volcano I'll order my minions to trap him in the only stable, heat-shielded sections of the lair. THen I shall announce, "No, Mr Bond, I expect you to fry".

Superman is coming to take you down. How do you(r minions) stop him?

I'll rig my minions up with explosives that trigger whenever Superman gets too close, making him the direct cause of their deaths, and then question Superman's morality as he causes the death of numerous minions before getting to me. The last minion is dressed up exactly like Lois Lane, and as he wrestles with the psychological conundrum of murdering a Lois Lane clone, I make my escape.

The Punisher(TM) is coming to take you down. How do you(r minions) stop him?

I commit my minions to back-breaking charity labour, giving their lives to build houses or wells or something in a country nobody's heard of to get myself off of his hitlist.

Your negative universe doppelganger is after you. How do you stop him (if you're a her) or her (if you're a him)?

Well, if my negative universe doppelganger is my complete opposite, I'll send my minions to suck up to her and give her false praise. Because I know that I would never fall for such an obvious trick, and she's my opposite, she WOULD fall for it. Since I know I would check said minions for explosives, I know she wouldn't think to. And because I know that I would not want to die in an explosive conflagration of Minion flesh, she'd probably welcome the fiery end.

Your next door neighbor has an obnoxiously large tree that you think might topple over onto your house in a strong wind. How to you solve this problem using the sacrifice of your minions?

I meld together as many minions as necessary to create a wind baffle that reverses the local wind flow, ensuring that the tree will fall away from my house.

Your rival mad genius is putting up ugly sculptures everywhere. And people like them!

I make my minions get plastic surgery to look like those sculptures, and then have them stand in museums until patrons come around to admire them, at which point the minions attack until they are subdued or killed by guards. Hopefully, the bad press will turn people off of these ugly things.

There is a minion shortage. How do you fix this by sacrificing your minions?

I splice some starfish DNA into their genomes and start slicing them up. It takes a little trial and error, but in the end I have a stock of minions that can reproduce via fragmentation. Honestly, they're not up to par with the naturally-grown minions, but in this economy I'll make due.

Minions have been outlawed! How do you solve this problem in a way that requires the sacrifice of minions?

Easy. I compel some of my minions to light themselves on fire outside government buildings in protest, thus getting the law reversed.

It's been hard getting your D&D group together lately and you suspect the players might be bored. How do you make game night more exciting through sacrificing minions?