Crazy Cat Lady —
Creature — Human
0/2
Whenever a Cat enters your life, offer it a Rat and your protection. If you do, it will bestow you with a life of exalted grandeur.

ugh I can't believe my magnificent post got last paged

Everybody should go look at it OK

Attack the Death Star —
Sorcery
Stay on target. Stay on target!
May the forces be with you. If they are, destroy target constellation vehicle.

Took me a moment to realize constellation was indeed a mechanic. Wow

Dominance of the Ocean King —
Legendary Enchantment (M)
Your opponents conspire to destroy you.
, Delve into the Island Wastes: You become a formidable, inspired, and indestructible Kraken monarch. If your opponents do not pay tribute to your eminence, cast them into exile until their revolt is destroyed.

Determination!
Instant
Your fear is your target. Attack!

Thermodynamics

Enchantment
Energy can't be created or destroyed.
God insists it's a development problem.

Origin of the Species

Enchantment
Goat can be arranged into Atog.
"I don't like how they come up with these names."
~Terrawsoe, Maro Sorcerer

Benefits of Magic

Enchantment
Most people can't spell Brushwagg.

Being Human is Terrible

Sorcery
Evolve two extra hands. You are a Monkey now.

Reminder Text

Sorcery
In the graveyard, your tombstone carries no reminder of you. No one will remember you. Your life was for nothing.

turnip_song, is that you???!!!?

Confirm

Instant
Yes, it is that person from the past.

The Matrix Has You
Conspiracy (R)
Your World is a subgame of Illusions.

Chew 5 Gum
Kicker (U)
Stimulate your senses.

International
Battlecry (R)
Exile all Exalted.
Exalt all Exiles.
Enslaved masses, stand up, stand up !
The world is about to change its foundation !
We are nothing, let us be all ! - The International

Dog Park
Land (n/a)
Humans do not enter the Dog Park, if able.
Dogs do not enter the Dog Park, if able.
You do not activate Dog Park's abilities, if able.
You do not play the Dog Park, if able.
You do not have the Dog Park in your deck, if able.
You do not include the Dog Park into your Magic expansion, if able.
The Dog Park will not damage you... if not able.

Vague Ritual
Instant
Add.
The Multiverse is filled with limitless.

Mitternacht
Instant (R)
Lands of graveyards are on the "night" side.
Lands of graveyards are on the "night" side.
Spirit is in the Shroud.
The time is divided evenly, the time is black.
Madness of Spirits.
The time artifact taps twelve times.
MITTERNACHT !!!

It's My Life
Instant (R)
It's this turn or until the end of the game.
You can lose.
You cannot lose while you haven't lost.
It's.
Your.
Ilfe.

Tetragrammaton
Trap (R)
Target opponent is owned.
P W N D

The Truth
Disenchantment (U)
The conspiracy is a scheme plot !!!
All allies are morphed opponents !!!
You are the target !!!

I had actually been thinking of reviving this myself. Seeing it this morning was a great birthday present!

Dead and Back Again
Enchantment

You are a Zombie.

Whenever a Human enters the graveyard, shuffle up to them and devour them.

Q you're like some kind of a savant at this.

Seriously, I want to nominate this.

Okay, not 100% sure for the rules on this, but let's give it a go:

Saganize |
World Enchantment
Enchanted world is a blue color indicator. There may be greater than a billion of them.

Eureka Moment
Scheme
Investigate a scheme. Become inspired.

Thanks, Dudibus!

Might of the Chatterer —
Sorcery
Channel all your energy into a Squirrel. When you unleash its battle cry, it becomes more ferocious than a Dragon and causes a sunburst that burns each other creature.