It doesn’t, I’m about to add two slab hammers to a deck

Off to a rough start, Cuchos deck can’t beat the AI lol

I’ll play more tomorrow

Heh. I just played one round vs ai with each build and mine was the only one that lost. BUT... That was after mulling an unplayable hand into a desperate 2-lander, missing 2 land drops, and then making a near comeback. I got Omnath down and made a token but the ai got a Bonepicker down the turn before that took me to 2 life. Then I played Embodiment and Mina plus 2 lands and swung with Omnath, a 5/5 token and 2 lands. The ai coulda taken the full 16 but killed Omnath. This should have given me the game but I’m playing on an iphone and the small screen and poor coding lead to some hilarious outcomes sometimes.. like the ai’s Bonepicker being hidden behind his ONE other remaining creature. I tried very carefully to pick it for the Omnath burn trigger but alas. Against a human I would have lost for sure, tho.

I rematched and flooded. Right into Omnath again. Easy win.

bzzt’s build took forever times infinity factorial cubed to win after just barely managing to stabilize at 3 life.

Cucho’s and Nomad’s builds both crushed the ai but took a little while to do so.

Yeah, I was going to suggest, maybe for the judge's sakes - if a normal game of magic is something in the 15-20 cards range, and a game with my submission here is, idk lets say 50+, I've got no problem if folks want to extrapolate their results out by by some factor of whatever.

I think I got so focused on if I could it didn't occur to me whether or not I should, and the first results were so bad that it wasn't clear to me by the end whether or not I did. It felt like it in the moment, and after a day or two with just desert, having vortex in there felt down right dominant/zippy - but after assembling the other piles (none of them especially sporty themselves) it was kinda jarring playing more reasonable decks again.

Ugh this sounds like it’ll be brutal

Extrapowhatnow?! Oh no, I wanna see Barney ripping his handlebar mustache out after inexplicably winning 8 in a row with that monstrosity. Besides... the whole point of this contest is doing things you probably shouldn’t.

Edit: Barney, make sure you take a video of yourself each time you win. So we can see the progression of hair loss. For edutainmental purposes, of course.

Hehe, sounds like it would be the most boring video ever. Watch Barney try to stay focused and awake


Anyway Nomad won versus AI, that apparently is an accomplishment for these decks

Bzzzts deck... good christ... what is it supposed to do against an opponent that goes wide with two monuments? I bounce his creatures, he plays them again activating both monuments. 21 cards into my deck I have 11 land, a map , an onnery and an empty hand. Opponent has an armada. I felt naked and died naked.

This is going to be rough on the ladder.

Let’s see if yours ever so truly can beat AI...ok big win. Those hammers are terrible though.

Ok time to take these things out to real combat in the ranked lobbies...

Round one

Let’s start with bzzzt and get it over with...against URB rank 1. I keep killing his only blue source lands with solvents, lol. Huge win, lots of fun 1-0

Yoursecersotrûy wins against radios too! 1-0

Nomad next..kefnet holding down the fort like a boss and then swinging with Gideon. Fun but hard deck. Nomad was the first to get really tested. Rank 39 Boros with Kari Zev, Militia captain and Knight of the Orchid... 1-0

Cucho is last!...rank 37 is kicking my butt. UGB with two thopters spy networks out and espérais combo going with two planeswalkers. I got out very early sandwurm convergence and he of course immediately plays Rec sage. I tutored for the Sanswurm too, I think it was the perfect target given the field but maybe a sweeper would have been better? I dunno. Ugh. He justxswet my board too, this is awful. When will it end.. ?!

Common Barns!!! Gimme some love!

I got him down to 9 life at Least. 8 with another desert on my last draw!

I hate how gift of paradise always Taps wrong, I lost a point of damage cuz of this. Ok he finished me off, whew. 0-1. Cuchos deck is BELETED in last place

Round two!!

Let’s start with bzzzt... that round one had to be a flash in the pan...

Barney... where are those control skills you are parading around when you need them?
Tutor and warden are BFF you could have fetch a sweeper and ulamog.

Yeah, Gift of Paradise needs a chaperone. Quit it, Gift, you're drunk.

Only had 8 mana. It was a really tough choice what to tutor. At the time he has one spy Network and two thopters. I’m thinking Convergence really solves my problem here. My other option was Greenwarden whenever ch could have got Nissa back. I wasn’t even thinking of sweepers at the time, I don’t know why. I also thought of tutoring a Sage to kill the Network. So I play Comvergence next turn. He plays another Network so I’m really happy I didn’t fetch sage. But he plays his own sage. I guess a sweeper would have made sense. Ah nuts


Speaking of playing Control like a boss, bzzzts deck in round two comes up against rank 40 Orzhov Xombies. Barney is in some serious trouble . I get out an ear’y l’oxyde Returb which kills three or four key zombies. Then I get out Onnery and drop land like crazy and get our Vortex. Then I fetch key with d’invention and now I’m wirking the combo brilliantly. Patiently playing cards, drWing cards. Zapping Zombies. Finally I p’ay Enough land that I can swing with Wandering Manland and still hold up mana for tricks. Once I get him to Ten, I start dumping three land and shocks and that’s ot. I kept b’uncing His Kalitas until I got a Flames. Fun!! 2-0

Yourssoevertruly is next...such an amazing win against rank 35 Boros! He even gets out Archangel with three elves. I do heaven on Avachn and then Earth on the ramp elves, so happy. I drop Fury and then my deserts are swinging. The hammer wasn’t bad st all either. 2-0!!

Let’s end round two with Nomad...rank 4 BWR vamps. Kefnet was hilarious this match and Displacer was wrecking his auras and counters. Lots of fun. 2-0!

I think that’s it for me tonight, I really hope I can finish this before vacation or no more testing until the 25th at least

Im really surprised by how fun these decks are

Three decks still remaining going into round three

Cut!
I hate you

Cucho goes 4-3. It's pretty fun when it's on, but seems like it can be really high variance and just draw nothing. 3/3 Breakage of Retreat to Hagra and I feel like that's the MVP here, but the Desert seems like an afterthought, and having multiples when I'm looking for a second black stings.

Record: 4/7
Build: 3/5
Enjoyment: 3/5
Desert: 1/3
Total: 11/20

1. WIN vs Boros Aggro. They start quick but without anything too scary, just some Goblins and Conduit of Storms? I take my time and start with Hagra, then my Tracker eats a Collective Defiance so it's Languish time. I do some ramping, they have no play at 4 land and stick there for a bit while I put out big Nissa, another tracker and more ramp. They kill that tracker too, then get their glorybringer pointed at Nissa, but all my clues draw me into another Retreat and a Renewal for game.
2. ‎ WIN vs Orzhov enchantments. Hagra start again, then they tutor up Angelic Destiny so I sweep . Ob Nix hits a Blightcaster, but then they get the Destiny onto a Start token and take him out. Get another Retreat and ramp into Convergence. I build a dominant and start to get them low. They have a huge tragic arrogance that leaves me with a single Retreat, but I have removal for their follow ups, and Quagmire + land drops finish them off.
3. ‎WIN vs mono red steal. We start with their Thermo-alchemist vs my two Retreats, so I'm happy. They've got Hazoret too, but never get her attacking. I Ob Nix the Thermo-alchemist, then follow with big Nissa. Big lands in for victory.
4. ‎LOSE vs 4c superfriends. Mull to 6, hand is bad but has land. Opp concedes after missing land drop #3. I play it out vs AI and the terrible hand stays terrible. I have no play before t6, I never get a second black for the two sweepers in hand and I get no ramp to play my Convergence or Ulamog. GROSS.
5. ‎LOSE vs Orzhov Control. Speaking of gross, they start with Kambal, then GideotT, then flip Lily. I try Big Nissa to send a land at Gideon, but they have Blessed Alliance, then Never. Even double retreat doesn't save me.
6. ‎ LOSE vs Boros aggro. My early draws are all giant things I never get to cast. My lonely Druid watches GideotT and some double strike blow by.
7. ‎WIN vs Gruul Ramp. Hagra vs Kazandu, we both ramp a ton without any bombs. I have a Ribbons ready to go but it's my only play and I'm afraid of a Pulse wrecking it. Eventually they tap low for a big Rolling Thunder but don't kill me, and a 15 point Ribbons ends it my next turn.

I dunno, games are going pretty quick for me so far. I'd say I'm dying right within the 15-20 card range.

awwwww

Barney you're my only hope!

I hope the draws improve a bit and you get to play a fun one (it is sorta jekyll and hyde, some super bad matchups, some pretty good ones, painful without orrery, pretty fun with)

I love how it plays bzzzt, would love to see you win

Im going to take a break until the 25th so late lol résume playtesting thr
Hope that’s okay Flaky

Ok I’ll try to play a little right now...

Round three

Let’s start with Nomad...win versus low level Azor IOU’s. Displacer is nuts. 3-0

Let’s try Bzzzt and then I think we’re done...rank 7 bant superfriends . Totally crushed me. No red mana. 2-1. BELETED

I’ll save yours truly for the 26th. I’m bushed

For the benefit of everyone who did not get the emailed list of builds that I sent Barney, I copied each deck and labeled them with the builder’s name. Except for mine which I labeled “Yrseversotruly” as a joke. Which the rest of you can now appreciate. Yrwelcomesotruly.

@Barney: that’s ok. I might run a bonus funsie round next week tho. More of a Giocher style themed round than a true break the card deal.

bzzt's Sunscorched Vortex goes 1-6, which is hopefully the worst record I'll ever have with one of these things. This was mostly freaking agony, folks. If you can assemble your combo made up of 2-3 rares, perhaps you have a chance depending on what your opponent is playing, but you're going to have to do that without benefit of life gain and a single Kozilek's Return for crowd control. Major points for creativity and purity of purpose here, but give me some sort of Retreat at least! Make it plausible, come on.

Record: 1/7
Build: 1/5
Enjoyment: 2/5
Desert: 3/3
Total 7/20

1. LOSE vs Mardu Vehicles. Get my T4 Orrery, but I flood and can't dump land fast enough to activate it. A merciful Start Your Engines ends my day.
2. ‎ LOSE vs Orzhov Zombies. And here I get all the bounce and no Orrery even after a memory and some key grinding, so they just wait me out for a super easy win. How are any of you actually winning games with this?
3. ‎ LOSE vs Temur Energy Vehicles. This time I get the Orrery AND empty my hand! And die to a Ballista Charger (!) before I can get a draw off it.
4. ‎ LOSE vs RDW. I get an honest to god seal! Rank 1, that never happens on iOS! I'm so excited I'm gonna get the win here! Aaaaaaannnnd I can't find my pieces and die to Goblin Ballon Brigades. As in multiple copies. Of Goblin Balloon Brigade.
5. ‎LOSE vs Izzet Spells. This one's actually really close! I get double Orrery and Vortex to their Fevered Visions and my bounce is working well, but the problem is the Devour stuck in my hand without targets keeps my Orrerys quiet. Then they come back with double Pyromancer's Assault and Dynavolt. It's so close! I'm pitching lands to vortex and get them to 1, draw an Island off the Visions and... I have no red left to activate Vortex. Dead.
6. ‎LOSE vs White Weenie. They Angelic Destiny a Bygone Bishop and swing a couple times before I can bounce, and by then they've got a Monument too. Death by tokens.
7. ‎WIN! vs Rakdos Something. The AI is running this, but I'll take it. They're short on red, so I Solvent the one they've got to buy more time. Get my Orrery running, do some good Fumarole damage, and finish it with Shock, Desert, and Devour my own Fumarole to replay the Desert. Look ma, I did it!

Alright. I’m gonna play 5 with each build but I’m gonna do them in rounds this time since there are so few of them.

Round 1:
bzzt vs r30 Golgari Ramp:
On the play and I stupidly keep a 2-lander with Lake, Desert, 3 2 mana bounce spells, Kozi’s Return, and Commit. I draw Censor, Tradewinds, Devour, and Shock before I hit a land. Opp plays Read the Bones t3 which I allow and then tries Retreat to Hagra before dropping a land t4. That gets Censored. Alas I got nothing to stop his t5 Vegetation and t6 Gaea’s. Or his t7 Gaea’s #2. Oof. Honestly I don’t think any hand woulda stopped that pain train.

Nomad vs r31 Golgari Ramp:
Same dude as last time. On the play, I mull a 2 lander into 5 lands, Scatter and Endbringer.
I flood early but its ok because my opp is sitting on a hand full of removal and ramp but no real threats. I’m terrified of those Gaea’s again but with only one Scatter I don’t want to blow it on his Gifts of Paradise or Nissa’s Pilgrimage. But he doesn’t play any threats, presumably because he thinks I’m holding the counter. So I get to take my time and play through the flood, eventually matching his ramped mana. Finally I break the standoff with a Displacer. He immediately tries to extract it’s essence. I cycle a Censor into Broken Concentration and decide sticking Displacer is worth leaving him an opening. I have a Crush in hand if things get too ugly. But instead of dropping Cruel Reality or Convergence or somesuch awfulness, he just tries another Extraction. Oh well, coulda been much worse! I top Gideon and drop it, making an emblem. He tries to Never it but I have just enough mana to awaken that Scatter. He cracks a Foundry for 2 thopters with the rest of his mana. I top land and swing with Gideon and a land. He chumps Gideon with a Primal Druid he had played way back on t2 ant lets the land through. I just have Endbringer and Crush so I play the Bringer. He plays yet another Extraction on my land and passes without attacking. Hmm. I top more land and swing with Gideon but hold Bringer back because I’m too cagey to walk into his... Murder?! Oh no! I pause to activate Bringer for a card before it dies but realize he had targeted Gideon instead. Ha! I think it might have been a misclick because he pauses right after I yield and ruminates for a moment. Poor guy, that really su- wait a sec, he just double Gaea’d me last game so screw him! Bwahaha! After that the card advantage from Bringer plus it’s ping effect let me clear his tokens and counter his second Languish and he finally concedes.

Cucho vs R35 Esper Mill:
This is the old school meanie mill that Wintervoid prolly made at some point. Nothing but hardcore answers ans a trio of Tutilage. NOT the deck you wanna face with a goofy Desert build. It was a long, tedious, and frustrating match that was lost long before it was won, if that makes any sense. I did get to Sage his first Tutilage but was drawing nothing but answers to creatures he didn’t have and lost my only opportunity to mount any pressure. But given what I saw of his deck, he had plenty of answers for whatever I might have thrown at him. I finally topped Convergence but suspected a counter so held it. Then I got a Retreat which I tried. He Confirmed my Suspicions and then Solemnly Offered to eat my Gift of Paradise. I hit a ramp spell and tried Convergence a few turns later after he played Jace. He Unmade it before it could spawn anything. Etc. etc. etc. Eventually he milled me out completely and then played Watchers of the dead and cracked it just to make sure I didn’t magically pull a Torrential out of my ass and slip a Memory into my gy or something. Or maybe he just did it to be an a-hole. Prolly that. /salt

Me Myself and I vs R40 RDW:
Again, on the play. I mull a 1 lander into an unplayable 2 lander (Forest Destert ad 5 red spells) into 4 land, Advocate, and Smasher. I play land. Opp plays Bomat. I top Samut and play Advocate. Opp plays Kari. I top another Advocate and try to swing with the first bluffing a burn/pump trick but opp dcs and AI calls my bluff and blocks with Kari. I play 2nd Advocate and fetch a Waste. Opp plays Harsh Mentor. I top Devour and play my 4th land. If I can just get one more land! Opp plays his 3rd land and Crop Crasher and swings with Crasher (exerting) and Kari. I block the token. I top Smasher #2. Cmon deck! Don’t be like that! I Devour the Crasher and reply the land I picked up. Opp plays land and Hellion and swings with Hellion and Kari. I stack on Kari. Then the AI gets surprisingly cagey and Magma Sprays one of the Advocates and then kills it with the first strike damage, rescuing Kari. Krap, now I’m in real trouble! Can I pull a land and miraculously turn the game around? Find out after this word from our sponsor...

Do you suffer from dry, itchy eyes? Does your skin look red and irritated? Well that doesn’t matter because this is a Tide commercial!

I top... Orrery! Dammit, Orrery, now is NOT the time! Opp swings big. I do the math and see I can survive with one life if I block the Mentor and decide the odds are just as good as if I chump the Hellion. The AI doesn’t even wait for the combat damage to resolve before zapping me with a Shock. Well played, AI dude. Well played.

So at the end of round one, Nomad’s deck stands alone undefeated.

Ok ive got almost an hour to play so let’s try to finish this

Back to round three playtesting

Flakys deck...big win versus radios vamps. 3-0

Round four!!

Nomad first...win versus low rank. 4-0

Flaky...win versus rank 1 mono white. 4-0

Round five!!

Nomad first...omg really tough match against midrank superfriends. I had to use lots of early counters and then disciple came out and I was countering planeswalkers like crazy. Managed to swing for 16 at the end. But he was slamming me with man lands for the first half of the game and I couldn’t do anything about it. Glad it worked out, I was very patient. 5-0

Flaky is up...big fun win against rank 1 radios. Got Onmath out which is always a blast. Had Onnery get me a big hand too. 5-0!


Round six!!

Let’s start with Flaky...