Penis enlargement is not an emergency procedure Soup.

Yeah, who needs a 30 inch penis anyway?

Unless, your in the porn industry...

I think for these it's a little easier to score by rank, so with that said, here's my scoring for the decks:

Competitiveness / Record:
This is primarily record, but for tiebreaks I looked at strength of schedule / head2head.

6 points - Warrior's Guild. Record of 6-1 and the only loss was to draw I suspect all of these decks fold to (T3 lily, T6 chandra + intervening removal)
5 points - Bounce Da Mage. Although it went 6-1 here with the only real loss being to the shuffler, we did get thrashed post-concession by the AI one match, which makes me suspect the feeling "this can't possibly be working this well" is more real than not.
4 points - IWCOWABNIP. Record of 4-3 and although the call between elements and thopters was probably the hardest one since I think both have a similar power curve -thopters doing it slightly sooner, elements doing it a little more consistently. The ultimate deciding factor is I'm pretty confident that head to head it isn't a question of which deck is the dog, but rather by how much so thopters gets the nod.
3 points - Bearing the Elements. Record 4-3, see thopters.
2 points - Iron Lion Scion. Record 3-4. I think this one probably is about the same power level as the previous two, just happens to be a win back of the other two from this series.
1 point - Spirits in the Sky. Record 2-5. It won about half it's games where the shuffler didn't hose it, and actually hung tough in some where it did. Not entirely clear to me that in a different series of games this isn't right in the same tier as thopters and elementals.
0 points - Dork Alliance. Record 2-5. Played this one the most of any of the decks outside of elementals and at 8-12 overall (with many against AI) I'm pretty confident saying that in my hands it's about a 30% deck (with another 10% when the opponent gets hosed). I was reading back through my games and Nomad's - I wonder if 80% of the difference isn't just that the overwhelming amount of the time my T2/T3 healer got merc'd immediately (and partially why it's best streak was when I was playing the 4th healer).

Build:
I scored this by things like curve+mana/colors/strength of the plan. Basically should/does the deck execute a plan that can win consistently.

6 points - Bounce da Mage. Just no issues really with the build, it's got a plan that somehow wins and executes relentlessly.
5 points - Warrior's Guild. Two tiny things I wasn't crazy about here - one was inciter's/copters. Seems like another 2 drop creature would've fit better. The other was we're skewed white for the 4 drops, but the early-plan warriors would've been better off skewed even or a bit red. Still excellent, just not quite the same polish as wizards.
4 points - Bearing the Elements. I ended up really happy with the structure of the build, it's probably the most consistent deck I've ever built and I like the flexibility where it's very likely to get to 5-6 lands on time, but unlike most ramp decks it avoids (for the most part) the split deck problem. In play-testing it tended towards sticking just enough between roil and the two drops to fend off aggro pretty well, but here it was pretty apparent its going to be frequently run past if you don't find heaven // earth. I did yank terrain elemental #4 for sage #2 last minute, and maybe that was the difference, but I suspect it was just dodging the toughest aggro matches in play-test (or being on the play in them).
3 points - Spirits in the Sky. Although in my series it was drawing like crap, there's no reason that it should. The evasion+anthems with tempo elements all seemed to work really well to make for very enjoyable games.
2 points - Iron Lion Scion. Mostly just a touch light on black for some of the early doubles, curve felt right on with the scions bopping around. Plan was strong, aside from what was mentioned earlier - it can can have some shaky games when the opponent isn't trying to win with grounded creatures.
1 point - IWCOWABNIP. Really light on blue to be playing whirler and thopter sky network. Tends to work out in the end anyway since the overall power level of the cards is high. I didn't think I'd like the rebukes much here, but they played well in my series. Can go from catch-up to lethal startlingly fast.
0 points - Dork Alliance. I've covered the split plan. The land-base did skew black, but I think I'd have preferred it go a little further yet to get the removal suite online sooner, possibly dropping AoI/Abbey to make it happen/smooth it out since neither really felt especially powerful here. Yes it pushes Gideon out another turn or so on average, but I think that still works out since he primarily played as a finisher for me in this deck.

Enjoyment:
Purely subjective scale of how much fun I had playing them.

6 points - Iron Lion Scion. The spicy one ofs were generally great and I liked the overall feel of the deck as this kinda slow, inevitable, infestation that executes the plan, but plays a bit differently each time. Really did a great job of blending the plan+play+theme of the deck while incorporating some cards you don't get to play that often but were great fits here, and I dig that a lot.
5 points - Bounce Da Mage. The list wasn't much to look at, and the plan is eyebrow raising, but all that feeds in to just feeling great when you pull it off such that it probably owns my 2 favorite games from this round.
4 points - Bearing the Elements. This is probably just a boost from having played it a lot. I love the interplay with roil and omnath so much and with the roils and recursion/sorting/walkers has a just a relentless mid-late game.
3 points - IWCOWABNIP. Really enjoyed the 0-60 time on this deck. Starts off a little slow, but with the chiefs/throne you can sniff out lethal from fairly benign looking board states.
2 points - Warrior's Guild. This isn't even a general knock - just personal preference - but plays out such that it's apparent pretty early whether it's going to be a win or loss (mostly win) so I tended not to get particularly invested.
1 point - Spirits in the Sky. This probably ends up higher with a more balanced series. I did enjoy playing it when I got the chance though.
0 points - Dork Alliance. See Competitiveness/Build. 30% of the time it was a blast, 60% of the time I felt like Oliver Twist.

Tribal Breakage:
So this one I thought on long an hard. All the decks did a great job highlighting the tribe and identifying a plan for them and then using the out-of tribe cards to support it. First 6 met the requirements even though the last couple tribals were on balance pretty weak and are basically running the spectrum from the out-of tribe cards falling in the "good stuff" category vs. more synergy with the tribal plan.

0 points - Warrior's Guild. This one and thopters are probably the only lists that the opponent leaves the game and isn't wondering "did I just play a tribal deck?" The top end being mostly out-of tribe and just tangentially related to the "kill-em fast" plan is what lands it here.
1 point - IWCOWABNIP. Chandra and skysovereign fit well, but draw some of the attention away from the thopter plan.
3 points - Spirits in the Sky. Most of the top end is out-of tribe, but in the case of Gisela she's a decent fit at a bargain price, and Gideon/wyvern's are feeding into the anthem effects for spirits.
3 points - Bearing the Elements. Similar to spirits in that some of the primary power is (trackers/chandra/Mina) is out of tribe, but generally fit really well with the tribes plan.
3 points - Bounce da Mage. See spirits/elementals. River marshall, open into wonder, and deep fiend are all seemless fits in the wizarding plan (particularly wonder since it can trigger docent). Spire patrol fits the evasive/tricky mold and I'd hesitate to attribute overly much of the deck's success to them (although they're structurally fine).
5 points - Iron Lion Scion. Cruel reality doesn't really feel like a win-con without any sweepers to force the issue, and gearhulk played mostly as value removal. The other power out-of tribe pieces (shambler, aid, leap, bontu) are all uniquely benefited slotting in aside all the scions/scion generators.

And then there's Dork Alliance - 6
Didn't just meet the requirements but ran 22 tribal cards and then had the chutzpah to cut two of the most on-plan cards (healer#4 and retreat#3) for arguably inferior out-of tribe options (priest and procession) such that it was the only deck that left me wondering "why can't I have more tribal cards?"
Diabolical.

Final Scores:

Bearing the Elements - 4 points (14 total)
IWCOWABNIP - 2 points (9 total)
Bounce da Mage - 6 points (19 total)
Warrior's Guild - 3 points (13 total)
Iron Lion Scion - 5 points (15 total)
Dork Alliance - 0 points (6 total)
Spirits in the Sky - 1 point (8 total)

See you'd perhaps imagine that would force mostly aggro decks, but I guarantee there's going to be at least one landfall control list!

Actually, The first card that come to mind is kefnet. Then there is gitrog-stoic builder synergy... Or you could just go for red/colorless aggro mayhem.
Sure, Mina and Denn will show up somewhere.
But I'd love to see a deck with no other win-con. Anyway, I'll have to win first to get my pick...

I was thinking Gitrog and the black instant that lets you sac creep or land for 2 cards and stuff like pulse and grapple. But retreat cards for sure - desert as only wincon would take forever to win and I doubt the opps would give you that long.

G and B retreats are so fun with ballista, too.

I should probably have my scores posted tonight.

Or not.

Just at the live stage with Flaky's deck right now. I have to say, folks, this contest has been so much fun! I love the tribal breakage. It's a bit more complicated than just breaking a card, but also a lot more flexible as a goal. Any ideas what the next contest is going to be, Flaky?

That’s up to the winner. I suspect Haven will be making the call. Possibly that terrible Desert card?

I’ll wait for your results and then post the winner. I’m not testing this round. I built bzzt’s and tried it vs ai (had a really fun comeback from the brink win with one of them) but the last week has been pretty busy and now I have a huge distraction to deal with (albeit in a tiny package).

I gotta admit, so far you and Haven are in the lead in my testing, so you're probably right about leaving our future in his ridiculously incompetent hands. May the god of our individual choosing have mercy on whatever we deem to be our souls!

Macabre Cult Ho’s Thing with Thopters

AI Hard 1 - Victory! Played it cool when I got hit for some initial damage to bring me to 6, used the Aethersphere Harvester to stabilize, then proceeded to build an army of 15 thopters over the course of about 4 turns, swung in with my airforce and brought the opponent from 18 to 0 life. (That’s 18 damage, Barney.)

AI Hard 2 - Victory! Like throwing candy at a baby! A bunch of thopters, a Copter, and an Aethersphere Hopter, plus Chief O. deFoundry made for an easy victory once Pia Nalar told the Glorybringer she was not allowed to play with the little kids.

AI Hard 3 - Victory! Like it ain’t no thang, I waltzed over the AI’s sorry butt and performed a victory!

Versus 1 - Loser! Some kind of orzhov angels ‘n’ zombies jam. Getting bored of that combo, if I’m being honest. Anyway, typical orzhov killin and tokens and whatnot. Not much to say about this one. Closing rank 31.

Versus 2 - Victory! The Throne of the God Pharaoh was my salvation, this time. Close battle against some greenies, but in the last round, just before I was going to die for sure, I swung in with my Aethervester and a thopter, then crewed every damn body into that Harvester so that the Throne would do the rest. Noice! Closing rank 32.

Versus 3 - Loser! Against an interesting rampy kind of deck. He kept emerging Vexing Scuttlers off of Oblivion Sowers and then he’d Pulse of Murasa them back, and so on and so on. Close game, but at the last turn, he Parted the Waterveil and took away my chance at victory. Closing rank 31.

Versus 4 - Victory! Against another R/U artifact deck. More like an artifiction deck, amirite? Closing rank 32.

Versus 5 - Victory! There is something quite satisfying about blowing Thalia, White Supremacist with a Skysovereign. Mono white, multi Gideon human deck. Closing rank 33.

This deck also earns a sISSY rating of 13/18. A lot of fun, plays well, uses the tribe well. The only possible downside is that it didn’t feel new.


CardboardNomad’s Bounce Da|mage

AI Hard 1 - Victory! I don’t know how this deck works!

AI Hard 2 - Victory! I still am not sure what this deck is trying to do, but whatever it is, it’s doing it well. Two solid, lopsided victories against the AI, so far.

AI Hard 3 - Victory! Is this a flicker deck? I just don’t know, but as long as it keeps winning in the real world, it’s fine by me.

Versus 1 - Loser! This was the most tedious game of mana flood versus removalman. Some kind of 4-colour counters deck, I guess. Closing rank 32.

Versus 2 - Victory! Thought I was going to los this one against mono white random assortment that played cards I don’t see in play very often. Who uses the Deadeye Harpooner or Subjugator Angel? Anyway, when my Elder Deep Fiend showed up, everything started to go my way and BAM! Wictory! Closing rank 33. Like Jesus.

Versus 3 - Loser! Some times you just get a bad matchup. This deck fares poorly against a solid izzet burn and bounce deck, it turns out. Very frustrating. Closing rank 32.

Versus 4 - Victory! This one was fun! Played against a mono rojo (which seemed loco). And had answers at every turn, so even though it all looked balanced at the outset, everything quickly slid my way. MVPs: Spell Queller and Reflector Mage. Closing rank 33.

Versus 5 - Victory! Superfriends? More like Stupid Friends, am I right? It’s funny because I won. Closing rank 34.

sISSY rating 14/18. This one operated about as well as the previous deck, but felt so fun to play. Partly, it didn’t make sense, but maybe that was what I wanted. Not the predictability of a stable relationship, but a wild fling with an entire tribe of wizards

Haven_PartialTumor

AI Hard 1 - Victory! Does what it says in the box. I kept a questionable hand with one mountain but three Bloodlust Inciters and the white cartouche. Still worked out.

AI Hard 2 - Victory! Kept another questionable hand and went pretty evenly with the AI for a bit, but then I got the combo of Insult and the Party Crashing Minotaur to eliminate defense for the minotaur, Gideon his little ally and BOOM! Surprise, 20 damage!

AI Hard 3 - Victory! Outcome was never in question, really. Good starting hand, T6 victory.

Versus 1 - Victory! Huh! Angelic Destiny on an Aethersphere Harvester... Who woulda thought? Anyway, a decent golgari ramp and removal deck, but I applied pressure early and consistently, so I was never really in any danger. Closing rank 35.

Versus 2 - Victory! A mono black zombie deck. Again, I got a good starting hand and just went to town. Finished off the opponent with a pair of Party Crasher Minotaurs to get by his only pair of zombie tokens. Closing rank 36.

Versus 3 - Loser! An intensely frustrating loss to an izzet mill deck. You know when you get your opponent down to 3 life, then they start countering every single thing, flashing in a blue gearhulk, laying down some planeswalkers... Everything falls apart and you find yourself wishing this deck packed a bit more face burn. Closing rank 35.

Versus 4 - Victory! Went very fast at first. A T4 Insult on a renowned Goblin Gloryhole Chaser and Gloryhole-Bound Initiate brought my opponent to 2, but then he started bouncing and generally being a blue/red jerk for a while. In the end, it was Injury that did him in. Closing rank 36.

Versus 5 - Victory! Nice! I liked this match like a like my women, short, sweet, able to do 13 damage in a single turn. T4 swing and a hit with my Selfless Spirit, renowned Glory Chaser, and an Angellically Destined Honored Crop Captain. Pardon me while I drop my mic. Closing rank 37.

Holy bonkers! A sISSY rating of 16/18? This deck just went to town. It worked well and fast and the warrior tribe just clicked the way it should have.

Mowie’s Whole Lotta Eldrazi Going On

AI Hard 1 - Victory! Game locked up when I tried to use EvoLeap on an Elvish Visionary, so I jumped into the attached skill quest and came back. That worked. I also got a T5 Aid from the Cowl in play, which netted me a T6 Cruel Reality, which is just about as good as it gets.

AI Hard 2 - Victory! No great shakes, here. Just plain old Magic. It felt like the deck was just working along. How can I say this? It felt like a Honda Accord. It works, it’s just fine, but it doesn’t feel sporty or powerful.

AI Hard 3 - Victory! I went so wide that it’s a wonder the AI didn’t “coincidentally” have a sweeper. I would have been done for.

Versus 1 - Loser! No good draws and couldn’t ramp up to Ulamog fast enough against a blue and green superfriends deck. Closing rank 36.

Versus 2 - Victory! Managed to get the opponent down to 9, stalled for a bit, but then he miscacalated the damage he could do, and left me with 5 eldrazi and Westvale Abbey. Swing and a hit, and that’s the game. Closing rank 37.

Versus 3 - Loser! Against an izzet prowess deck, i had another frustrating matchup. In the end, I lost because he cast Confiscation Coup on my Ormendahl. Dang. Well done, annoying jerk. Closing rank 36.

Versus 4 - Victory! You know what really messes up a superfriends deck? T6 Cruel Reality. It was really no contest after that. Closing rank 37.

Versus 5 - Uh... victory? On T3, I had an Elvish Visionary, cast EvoLeap, then the opponent quit. I player on against the AI, got down low, pulled Ormendahl outta my butt and swung the game around. Closing rank 37.

sISSY rating only 12/18. Overall the deck worked, but felt largely unremarkable. The Honda Accord of Magic Duels decks.

Dork Alliance

AI Hard 1 - Victory! Whoever built this deck must be a handsome daredevil with incredible athletic skills. Got a bit of a mana flood until my opponent cast Memory and gave me everything I needed to defeat it.

AI Hard 2 - Victory! Ah, this one wasn’t a very good match. Beating a mana screwed AI is like bragging about kicking an armless blind guy’s ass.

AI Hard 3 - Loser! I am kicking myself. Took a questionable starting hand against a surprisingly tight AI deck. I don’t feel so bad about bullying him back in round 2.

Versus 1 - Victory! This was almost an exemplary performance for this deck. Kalastria Healer, Vampire Envoy, then Gideon, BFF of Zendikar. Closing rank 38.

Versus 2 - Victory! Once you get out three Kalastria Healers and a Cliffhaven Vampire, you barely even need to attack. Closing rank 39.

Versus 3 - Victory! I thought for sure that my opponent’s Ormendahl was the end of me, but I was just wide enough to obviate the lifegain and take him out. Closing rank 40.

Versus 4 - Loser! Wow! I just handed the opponent a victory platter. My opening hand was questionable, so I mulliganed, then mulliganed myself right out of the game. He walked right over me. Closing rank 39.

Versus 5 - Loser! Against a mono white humans and angels deck. It was a question of two forces both going wide and, in the end, he was wider than me. Closing rank 38.

Gasp! A sISSY rating of 13/18! That’s just not good enough and I’m no longer friends with the person who submitted this deck.

TheFlakyMage

AI Hard 1 - Victory! It’s so much fun playing all my cards on the opponent’s turn. I’m going to like this deck.

AI Hard 2 - Victory! Oh, yes. I do like this.

AI Hard 3 - Victory! Flaky, what is best in life? To flash your enemies, and tap the lamentation of the loser!

Versus 1 - Victory! My opponent took a hefty chunk of damage in the first four rounds, promptly bugged out without conceding, almost locked up my game, promptly lost. Closing rank 39.

Versus 2 - Victory! Another versus, another quitter. I can understand how frustrating it is to face a deck like this, with such a solid flash presence. It throws the flow of the game off more so than in MtG, and leaves the other guy off balance. Closing rank 40.

Versus 3 - Victory! This guy didn’t quit, at least. Once again, so many spells cast on his turn threw him off balance. Some kind of dimir planeswalker deck, I think. Closing rank 40.

Versus 4 - Loser! A mono white humans deck went wide fast and I just couldn’t cover the spread. Closing rank 39.

Versus 5 - Victory! Standard play for this deck. Your turn is my turn! They’re all my turns. Who even plays Oviya Pashiri these days, anyway? Closing rank 40.

sISSY rating 17/18. This deck was fun, worked well, broke the tribe with functional synergies, annoyed the bleep out of opponents, and complimented me on my fashionable bowtie.

In the end, my breakdown of ratings goes as follows, from highest to lowest.

TheFlakyMage, 17/18... 6 points
Haven_PeruseTabloids, 16/18... 5 points
CardboardNomad, 14/18... 4 points
bzzt, 13/18... 3 points
CouchLombardo, 13/18... 2 points
soupcannon, 13/18... 1 points
Mowie###, 12/18... 0 points

Did I miss anyone? Who won? Was it that damned Haven guy?

So... I have 3 sets of results in my inbox - Barney, Mowie666, and bzzt (all correctly listed in the posted build order rather than by rank). In addition to soup’s I think Nomad and Cucho posted results at some point too? Anyway, could you guys pm me those results, in the same order the builds were listed in op? Makes adding them all up much easier!

You need a spreadsheet! Out them all in, sort by points descending order and make magic happen.

Flaky, did u get a new puppy?

Oh, no! You can’t trick me with that “It’ll make ur life easier” nonsense. Spreadsheets are work. Start messing around with spreadsheets and next thing you know, the boss is cutting off your escape route Friday to ruin your weekend fishing plans by having you come in BOTH days! And passive-aggressively busting your nuts for not putting a cover sheet on your TPS report. I’m not falling for it! I’ll do my tallies the good old fasioned way with fingers and toes as God intended!

@Barney: what gave it away?

Ok, here are the results for the Break the Tribes Contest - Round 6.

Bearing the Elements:
2.5 - Barney
4.0 - Mowie666
4.0 - bzzt
5.0 - Nomad
4.0 - Cucho
3.0 - Soup
Total: 22.5

I Will Come Up With a Better Name Dont Worry :
4.5 - Barney
3.0 - Mowie666
2.0 - bzzt
3.0 - Nomad
2.0 - Cucho
2.0 - Soup
Total: 16.5

Bounce Da|Mage:
4.5 - Barney
5.5 - Mowie666
6.0 - bzzt
1.5 - Nomad
3.0 - Cucho
4.0 - Soup
Total: 24.5

Warrior's Guild:
6.0 - Barney
2.0 - Mowie666
3.0 - bzzt
6.0 - Nomad
6.0 - Cucho
5.0 - Soup
Total: 28.0

Iron Lion Scion:
2.5 - Barney
5.5 - Mowie666
5.0 - bzzt
1.5 - Nomad
0.5 - Cucho
0.0 - Soup
Total: 15.0

D0rk Alliance:
0.5 - Barney
0.0 - Mowie666
0.0 - bzzt
0.0 - Nomad
0.5 - Cucho
1.0 - Soup
Total: We'll just pretend this never happened.

Spirits in the Sky
0.5 - Barney
1.0 - Mowie666
1.0 - bzzt
4.0 - Nomad
5.0 - Cucho
6.0 - Soup (who is clearly a far more competent judge than Barney, I might add)
Total: 17.5

As I predicted with my amazing powers of prediction, Haven wins!* Congrats, Haven, you are in charge of picking the card/theme for the next round.

*assuming I didn't forget to carry a toe while adding.

Congrats Haven!

Nice work Haven!

Thanks everybody!
Who would have guessed Warriors would be the best Tribe? I hadn't even noticed they were a Tribe before this contest...

I maintain my pick for the next contest, the horrible Desert. If you want add a 2nd option flaky, go ahead but I highly recommend you Choose another Land, just because we haven't done lands yet.

Good luck!

Great job Haven! I have foiled the deck all chrome , ready for Valhalla. I’ll continue to play the deck.

Mowie is the worst judge ever!!