Maxililian Carter and the Temple of Origin
Found HERE
Words: about 13k
If accepted, this will be Public.

I'm going for NAI. The exploration part was gripping, I like Morgan's notes a lot and the discoveries L&M make are very intriguing indeed, but the piece has a number of issues.

Something about the title itself kept me from approaching the piece until now. As I read it I felt something was... odd. Maybe not wrong, but not exactly right either. I read the comments on the original thread, as I sometimes do when I feel something's off but I can't put my finger on it, and I found out I agree with some of the points Raven made:


I don't mind the "real"ness of Lake's name, but I do object to the choice of surname when a lake is heavily featured in the narrative. I kept thinking there was a link between the character and the location, and the fact no one, not even the narrator, acknowledge the fact makes me think it's an unfortunate coincidence that should be rectified.

About the man himself... I tend to find this type of character obnoxious, but that's just my personal taste. I won't judge the piece on this basis.
But the fact that the only moment where his behavior changes is to indulge some worn out cliché is not a good thing. There are a bunch of things that could be edited to make Jackson less two-dimensional while keeping him over the top, especially things that are shown instead of told us through Elise. On second thought, I find him obnoxious because there's no actual evidence that tells me he's like this just to be a comic relief or a prop to set an Indiana-esque scene on the third act.

And here we reach my second point.

Apart from the dynamite issue, which I don't particularly mind and is basically a matter regarding the idea each one of us has of the fantasy genre and the M:EM in particular*, I agree with this. There are parts that sing "don't care about the details! Nothing serious here! Everything's gonna be fine!", and others where very dark shadows indeed loom over the characters. What this piece lacks is an equilibrium that allows for a light (but still plausible) mood at the beginning and the end and a more serious and chilling part in the middle. You could also go for a strong and permanent mood whiplash, but I gather this is not what you wanted.

*If we accepted a Western-like plane and a steampunk one, reaching " '20s-esque archaeology" is a small step. Hell, I love the Shadowrun lore and worldboulding, and in that setting you can find an elven mage fireballing cybernetically enhanced trolls to protect her dwarven friend who connected his brain to the Matrix! But of course, others may disagree.

About secondary characters: James reeks awfully of red shirt. No actual line of dialogue or meaningful interaction I can remember, he seems just a name to throw under the monster army to show their magic. On the other hand, Sarah manages to be good at her role with very minimal characterization; the fact that someone mentions a relevant part of their background without it being the reason for very unprofessional behavior later on is greatly appreciated in this kind of story. Lily's... nothing to speak of, but there is no glaring flaw either.

A little thing that made my Chekhov's alarm go off was Elise getting zapped by the monster factory: From time to time I had the impression she was hearing or feeling things different from the others because of this, but in the end nothing happens.

An issue related to the last is the frequent shifting of the POV. This is a piece related to exploration and discovery, and you seem to choose a narrator very close to the POV; the problem is, the more close the narrator is to the POV's mind, the more jarring is the shift to another POV without a section break, at least to me.

I've been thinking about this all week, really fluctuating between just barely a "yea" and just barely not. There are a lot of things I like about the story, and a lot of things I don't. Some of them I recognize as personal preference, like the Dynamite issue, while others I really think detract from the story, like Jackson's over-the-top personality.

Ultimately, though, I think I have to go NAI, but my criteria for getting that up to a Yea is pretty simple, and maybe even a bit petty. Ultimately, I would like a change in names. I don't like the name Jackson Lake, and I don't like the secondary title of the piece. If you're willing to change those, I think the overall strength of the writing is enough for me to overlook the personality issues and some of the clichés. Even as I type this, it seems silly to me that that's my sticking point, but it is.

NAI

Edits made. I have 0 problems with name chances, especially when people pointed out that having Lake and a lake was confusing.

I may go back and address that bit at the ending that nobody liked, but for now, I've changed the names.

Okay, sounds good to me!

Yea it is.

I have at long last read this, and I enjoyed it!

I think Raven pretty much covered my thoughts on the original thread. (I mean, to a creepy level -- it's like he read my mind.) But, in summary, I think this is a fun one, and it gets my "yea."

Well, see, now I need to write a story called "My Mind," so that I can say people have read My Mind. Conversely, you should write a story called "Your Mind," so that I can say I've read Your Mind.

Of course, I should also write a story called "Nothing," so that my readers can imitate Polyphemus: "I have read Nothing!" And then a story called "Anything," which I won't post, so that I can say "You guys haven't read Anything." Then I can promise to post it at some point in the future, and amend my statement by saying "You haven't seen Anything...yet!"

Okay, I'm done now.

Dear Second NAI vote: I'd like it if you spoke up and made your reasoning known so I could potentially address it in edits

I found the pacing too slow in the beginning and Maximilian too insufferable. He felt like a comic relief character who was grating rather than endearing. I didn't finish the story, which is why I didn't comment.

Thank you for making your presence known.


For those displeased with the glasses trope at the ending, that's gotten a touchup (She still loses her glasses, but it's a matter of perspective, nobody comments on it)

Huey, could you please point out where I swap PoV without a section break? Because there should always be one PoV, a section break containing a Morgan's Notes, and then a new PoV for the next section, so if something shifts mid section I really do need to address that.

Weird, I did a quick reread and found nothing like that; maybe I tended to assume the identity of the POV in the sections where the narrating character is mentioned well after the first paragraph and made wrong guesses. Please consider that point of my post moot.

The "infamous" loss of glasses now is cool, and the following dialogue feels more like Max's "redeeming" moment. Kinda. Sorta. Maybe these are not the most accurate words, but the gist is: I approve those edits