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How does it look?
Masterful 83%  83%  [ 5 ]
Terrible 0%  0%  [ 0 ]
In need of revisions 0%  0%  [ 0 ]
Who, me? 17%  17%  [ 1 ]
Total votes : 6
Total voters : 6
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PostPosted: Sun Oct 09, 2016 5:22 pm 
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Bard's Eye View

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PostPosted: Wed Oct 12, 2016 3:07 pm 
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Quote:
Oisin Followed the piece up

Unnecessary capitalization.

Quote:
It didn't take long, though, before he packed his things, his small harp in its case and his lute on his back, feathered cap on his brow. He departed into the night.

Perhaps this is a personal quibble, but the way this is structured I already read it with a full stop after the lute and as if the feathered cap and him departing were one line. As such, I'd suggest combining that last clause with his departing, i.e. "Feathered cap on his brow, he departed into the night.", but I can't say that's not just a personal reaction or that it would read any better that way. Food for thought, I suppose.

----

I would almost object to the use of such onomatopoeia as "WHAM", but I can see the overall tone tyre trying to set here with Oisin — free, flowing, youthful, perhaps a bit impetuous.


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PostPosted: Sat Oct 15, 2016 12:28 pm 
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I really like the way this piece accentuates the fact that Oisin is almost blindly obsessed with character tropes, and how he doesn't seem to quite leave his stories.

Yea


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PostPosted: Mon Oct 31, 2016 6:24 pm 
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Sorry I haven't gotten to this until now. I read it when it was first posted, so I could have voted a long time ago, I just didn't get around to it.

I really enjoy this piece, it is just fun to read. I like the time we get to spend in Oisin's head space, and as a performer myself I can attest that his thought process is accurately portrayed.

I also love the way he goes about defeating the thug. It fits the character so well. I particularly like the change in his tone in the last line before hitting the guy.

The ending is great, but I'm also a bit torn about it. This is an introduction to a new character, but it requires knowledge of an established character for the ending to make sense. But you can't tell the reader that the knowledge is required without spoiling the story. Unfortunately I don't think there's any way around that, and it didn't hinder my personal enjoyment of the story, I just thought it was a good point to raise.

Anyway, definitely voting Yea on this one.

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PostPosted: Wed Nov 02, 2016 11:20 am 
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Sorry y'all, I'm finally finding time to read and comment.

Another storyteller is added to the roster, it seems! His perspective is well defined and pleasant to read, and we get a feeling of his skills and behavior. The dark twist at the end is a good contrast, I had the smallest feeling that the we had already seen the Green-Eyed Girl...

Yea for me, now skipping to the other Oisin piece.

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