I'm a (self) published author now! You can find my books on Amazon in Paperback or ebook! The Accursed, a standalone young adult fantasy adventure. Witch Hunters, book one of a young adult Scifi-fantasy trilogy.
Joined: Sep 22, 2013 Posts: 5700 Location: Inside my own head
Identity: Human
Editing problems still remaining:
missing periods
Quote:
“I'm sorry you had to hear that.” Sibyl said, her voice ragged and slightly cracking
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“Would you?” Larasa asked
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“How many do we have?” she asked
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“Probably twenty.” Illarion said
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There she stopped, standing still, and Illarion hurried behind with the vengeful townsfolk
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Jenest growled, and Morgan spoke
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but her pride stung almost as badly as her scars-to-be
other punctuation issues
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It took perhaps an hours walk
Should be "hour's walk".
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Larasa couldn't see much and was glad for it., for what she did see were bloody muzzles,
Extra period.
Quote:
with the suns first rays.
Should be "sun's first rays".
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Then the rats nose twitched,
Should be "rat's nose".
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fighting to keep her voice from cracking, “that you should arrest Kasar Madronous. He” she swallowed again,
Missing comma at the closed quotes mark.
Quote:
Larasa looked up and saw a young woman fine make-up and perfect hair at odds with the sackcloth rags she wore.
Missing something, either a joining word like "with" or "in", or a comma after "woman", to link the two thoughts.
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“I can see.” she said,
I believe that period should be a comma.
typos
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Illarion hesitated another moment, than spoke again.
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tunnles
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a cylender turned,
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a regimen of bleach and die had helped them to approach a uniform gray.
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and hand already pounced,
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bit she knew the walls of the town were worryingly distant.
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Thus, it came as a relief when, after a brief period of silence, when Morgan was dismissed back to his cell or chamber, whichever it was.
The second "when" is unnecessary here.
In Teresh notes:
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the fine strands of which seem to write on their own.
suggestions for ease of reading
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leaving what the merfolk might do, or any other secrets of the plane mysteries to be explored.
I would put another comma after "plane".
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Things might be mystical or mysterious when night lasted a dozen hours most of which most folk slept through,
That's kind of a long thought for only one comma. I think you're wanting a comma after "hours" here.
Quote:
“And they're bloody sure this time. It's.”
The cutoff here is strange because there's an actual period at the end of the dialogue. I get that he's interrupted, but normally that is represented with a dash or complete lack of punctuation.
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Larasa was fast on her feet, and whether it was just her way or her need seemed utterly indefatigable.
I would suggest a comma here after "need". It took me a few passes to parse it correctly.
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“That's a good boy.” the Planeswalker said, blowing smoke from his cigar in Morgan's face. “Now get walking, before we have any trouble.”
Not that this is something necessarily needing to be changed, but after changing Kasar's description I feel you may have missed this line about his cigar.
Comments on the story: I forgot to mention when I first read through this, but do I spy a subtle jab at the Planeswalker novel early on when our intrepid trio are discussing Urza and Xantcha?
Quote:
"I don't like being lied to." Kasar replied, "Tired of your prize already, bah, even you aren't flighty enough to dismiss something that quickly. I hardly had time to change. Is he in the closet? Under the bed? No, that would be too obvious. Perhaps you sent him to the privy. It doesn't really matter."
Did I not notice this line before, or did you add it in? Because I remember reading it the first time around and finding it strange that he didn't question how quickly Morgan had just disappeared from her chambers.
I actually think the change in Kasar's appearance has done this story some good, because he much more obviously now in his armor has set himself up as the knight of the Witch Queen, whereas before he was kind of playing the rule of cool aesthetically while supposedly being the puppetmaster, which didn't work quite as well.
I noticed something missing, but I'm okay with how this whole thing plays out. You're an excellent writer and I think you wove a great tale here. I do have one question which I would like answered before casting my vote, and that's whether you want to bundle in the extra information about Teresh in this vote as well.
I'm a (self) published author now! You can find my books on Amazon in Paperback or ebook! The Accursed, a standalone young adult fantasy adventure. Witch Hunters, book one of a young adult Scifi-fantasy trilogy.
This story was creepy and horrifying in all the right ways. I inly read it after the edits happened, so I didn't have the issues other readers expressed. I want to affirm the way you handled that critique, by the way. You took it all with humility and kept going until the story was right.
Now that this poll is officially over, it's time to congratulate Aaarrrgh for designing Hill, which has been decided by popular vote to be the Card of the Month for October 2013!
I'm a (self) published author now! You can find my books on Amazon in Paperback or ebook! The Accursed, a standalone young adult fantasy adventure. Witch Hunters, book one of a young adult Scifi-fantasy trilogy.
I liked this story from the beginning, although there was one major element of it which, unfortunately, hit something of the wrong chord for me. But I really do like the edits that you made since that initial version, Tevish, and I'm happy to give my "yea."
_________________
"And remember, I'm pullin' for ya, 'cause we're all in this together." - Red Green
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