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Blackrock stands!
yeah! 67%  67%  [ 4 ]
no! 0%  0%  [ 0 ]
not today! 0%  0%  [ 0 ]
that's not a question 33%  33%  [ 2 ]
Total votes : 6
Total voters : 6
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PostPosted: Sun Feb 28, 2016 3:20 pm 
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I went back and forth on this but Imma put it up. I made a small change to the ending to help explain a bit what's happening there, but otherwise this is the same as before.

Orgoth Stonebow
by razorborne
Status: Private (until Ossia is complete)

Orgoth Stonebow


word count: 1400-ish?

:duel:

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PostPosted: Sun Mar 06, 2016 3:13 am 
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I like the additions, although I'm still not sold on every aspect of this, particularly the restated theme, which I still struggle to see the purpose of at the end. Regardless, though, my problems with this piece are both minor and a matter of personal taste rather than any object to the story itself.

"Yea."


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PostPosted: Sun Mar 06, 2016 3:53 am 
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I like the additions, although I'm still not sold on every aspect of this, particularly the restated theme, which I still struggle to see the purpose of at the end. Regardless, though, my problems with this piece are both minor and a matter of personal taste rather than any object to the story itself.

"Yea."

Yeah I don't think I can really explain why that's important to me, or what purpose it serves, but I really feel like it has to be there, and it makes sense to me.

:duel:

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I tend to agree with Razor.

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I'll never again complain about raz's criteria.


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PostPosted: Sun Mar 06, 2016 8:04 am 
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I'm also not the biggest fan of the ending, but, like Raven, I do very much like the story. Gets my "yea!"

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PostPosted: Sun Mar 06, 2016 4:26 pm 
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razorborne wrote:
I like the additions, although I'm still not sold on every aspect of this, particularly the restated theme, which I still struggle to see the purpose of at the end. Regardless, though, my problems with this piece are both minor and a matter of personal taste rather than any object to the story itself.

"Yea."

Yeah I don't think I can really explain why that's important to me, or what purpose it serves, but I really feel like it has to be there, and it makes sense to me.

:duel:

Well, we all have things like that. I've certainly been known to put things in my stories that are there solely for my amusement, and this is certainly no worse than that! :V


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PostPosted: Wed Mar 09, 2016 7:40 pm 
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Orgoth didn’t bother watching it fly, but smiled at the satisfying thud of the massive bolt tearing through the centaurs’ hull. One less fly buzzing around her home, but the swarm was far from gone. Three more harriers crested the horizon, their sails billowing in the wind, and again she was off.

This opening stanza is lacking in subject matter, and the use of "fly" suffers, especially with the addition of the word "harrier". It's just not a good place for it.

Orgoth didn't bother watching it fly, but smiled at the satisfying thud, as a massive bolt from her longbow tore through the Centaurian airship's hull. One less nuisance to her home, but the fight was far from over. Three more crested the horizon, their sails billowing in the wind, and again she readied her bow.


"Splash" would benefit from a subject. I ended up picturing an airship made of water.




It was a two-troll rig. There was one of them, struggling to line up the sights alone. And there was the other, flat on the ground, with a decidedly fist-shaped dent around his left eye. Damn. Who’d let Tolrak and Tagamite share a station? The two had been at each other’s throats since the incident with Volchek. Was no one playing attention? And now a raider was drawing close to shore, with no one to stop it.

This stanza is suffering from an improper placement of tenses, basically.
My best deduction would be, that nouns are better served when they are placed as closely to the front of a sentence as possible.
Ex. It was a two troll rig( notice "It" at the beginning? Now, in the next line, we'll bring "one" forward)
Ex. One of them was struggling to line up the sights by himself( switching from "alone" to "by himself" because we've added another subject with "sights" and we want to be clear about what thing is alone. You could have added a comma, instead, but it's better to be specific when pointing)
Now in the next line, we'll do our best to bring the subject forward also- which is " the other"
Ex. And the other was flat on the ground, brandishing a battered eye socket.


(You knew this was coming.)

"...Damn it, damn it, damn it. Orgoth shook her head...."


Cuss words and exclamations are typically better served when they are isolated and inflected.

Ex. Damn it!



Well... For me, this story barely gets by with unlimited resources in another dimension where questions don't exist.

The reasons:

The pace is not there. It moves like a flat line because of structure.

I would suggest that the "draw pull fire" intervals be done away with completely.

The redundance of such "meh" words, is not heightening any lushness.

*continuing

Stone bows are not sexy.

I also am perplexed by the amount of violence.

If you should entertain a palatte, then you must consider many spices, which balance and compliment one another.

Also, it's packed full of grammar mistakes, which I am certainly available to help you fix.


You have some interesting ideas, it just needs a lot of work to really shine.

I'd like to see the more gentle side of such a wonderful new world, as Ossia.


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PostPosted: Sat Mar 12, 2016 5:26 am 
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Orgoth didn’t bother watching it fly, but smiled at the satisfying thud of the massive bolt tearing through the centaurs’ hull. One less fly buzzing around her home, but the swarm was far from gone. Three more harriers crested the horizon, their sails billowing in the wind, and again she was off.

This opening stanza is lacking in subject matter, and the use of "fly" suffers, especially with the addition of the word "harrier". It's just not a good place for it.

Orgoth didn't bother watching it fly, but smiled at the satisfying thud, as a massive bolt from her longbow tore through the Centaurian airship's hull. One less nuisance to her home, but the fight was far from over. Three more crested the horizon, their sails billowing in the wind, and again she readied her bow.
that fix lacks any sense of subtlety though. the reader can easily deduce the object of "it" both from the fact that they were just told that a bow was fired and the fact that a bolt is referenced later. and your version doesn't even fix that, it just rewords it into a clunkier form. I'm also not sure what you're talking about re: fly and harrier. I guess I used two different forms of fly in that paragraph, but I don't see that as a problem. I could change the second one to insect. that'd fit.

"Splash" would benefit from a subject. I ended up picturing an airship made of water.
I can't imagine how? it's referred to as loud and, again, directly follows the indication that an arrow was fired into a naval area. it hasn't explicitly been stated that it's a sea yet, but given the references to both hulls and sails, I don't think "body of water" is an unreasonable leap to ask of the reader.

It was a two-troll rig. There was one of them, struggling to line up the sights alone. And there was the other, flat on the ground, with a decidedly fist-shaped dent around his left eye. Damn. Who’d let Tolrak and Tagamite share a station? The two had been at each other’s throats since the incident with Volchek. Was no one playing attention? And now a raider was drawing close to shore, with no one to stop it.

This stanza is suffering from an improper placement of tenses, basically.
My best deduction would be, that nouns are better served when they are placed as closely to the front of a sentence as possible.
Ex. It was a two troll rig( notice "It" at the beginning? Now, in the next line, we'll bring "one" forward)
Ex. One of them was struggling to line up the sights by himself( switching from "alone" to "by himself" because we've added another subject with "sights" and we want to be clear about what thing is alone. You could have added a comma, instead, but it's better to be specific when pointing)
Now in the next line, we'll do our best to bring the subject forward also- which is " the other"
Ex. And the other was flat on the ground, brandishing a battered eye socket.
again, this removes all nuance from the language. it's told through a character's eyes, it takes in the scene as Orgoth does. this is not asking herculean leaps from the reader, and it doesn't appear anyone else was tripped up by it.

(You knew this was coming.)

"...Damn it, damn it, damn it. Orgoth shook her head...."


Cuss words and exclamations are typically better served when they are isolated and inflected.

Ex. Damn it!
that's a) completely subjective and b) completely context dependent. I wasn't trying to portray an explosive reaction. if I was, a single emphatic exclamation would fit better, but the repetition and lack of emphasis instead conveys a quiet frustration.

The pace is not there. It moves like a flat line because of structure.

I would suggest that the "draw pull fire" intervals be done away with completely.
these seem contradictory. the Draw-Pull-Fire lines are a pacing element.

The redundance of such "meh" words, is not heightening any lushness.
I don't know what this means.

Stone bows are not sexy.
I don't know how this is relevant.

I also am perplexed by the amount of violence.
it's a depiction of a warrior culture in a world embroiled in a decades-old violent conflict, some violence is gonna creep in.

If you should entertain a palatte, then you must consider many spices, which balance and compliment one another.
again, I don't know what this means.

Also, it's packed full of grammar mistakes, which I am certainly available to help you fix.
given that nothing you've pointed out is a grammatical error and the fixes you've proposed emphasize needless specificity and granularity over any sort of narrative voice, I think I'll pass.

I'd like to see the more gentle side of such a wonderful new world, as Ossia.
then you probably shouldn't be reading the Troll story, because "gentle" isn't really what they're about. I'd recommend this one as probably the gentlest of them so far, although if I'm being honest gentle really isn't what anything on Ossia is about these days.

:duel:

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I tend to agree with Razor.

Mown wrote:
I'll never again complain about raz's criteria.


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PostPosted: Sat Mar 12, 2016 6:39 am 
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I concede.


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