viewtopic.php?f=19&t=11200

Originally posted here.

I put off putting this one to vote, but it was more just out of apathy than any need to work on it, so, here it is.

It took me a few moments to remember which story this was. Then it all came back to me at once, and I immediately voted Yea (or, well, Thrust). This is good stuff, and it should have been in the archives months ago.

Ah, yes. I recall this one!

I'll mainly defer to my comments on the original thread, but the short version is that I'm a fan, and I'm pleased as punch to add my "yea."

I liked this story
Words as leafs in autumn
I vote Yea (or thrust)

I havn't done this in a while, but I decided to give my opinion on the more direct grammatical foibles- putting aside my desire to tear apart whole sentences.


Saigo set the pen aside and reread the verses he'd just written as the rain outside drummed a constant staccato beat on the tiled roof above.

"... staccato, beating on the tiled roof above."


Until you caught his eyes, the chill ebony darkness there that spoke of a killer.


Sentences like this^ one would benefit from changing the tense of the action verb- "Until you caught his eyes, the chill ebony darkness there speaking of a killer."


It had stopped raining at some point during his narration and moisture hung heavily on the plants outside, the dew edged green a vivid shock against the still gray sky.

The complexity of your sentence structure can be tricky to navigate at times, which in my opinion is due to the importance of getting the story out of your head quickly. - "It had stopped raining at some point during his narration, and moisture hung heavily on the plants outside, shocking the still gray sky with a dew edged green."

Considering compound sentences, in this case it seems like it would benefit from the action verb leading the third phase.


What I like most about this story, as with your writing style in general, is how well you compliment mood with pace.(whatever that means lol) This story reveals that a vision of power and strength can be better served delicately.

It's great to get a closer look at Nodeshi.

I vote yea. Sorry about the nitpicking- I know things are whack when they get uptight around here, I just get carried away with showing off what I think I know, in true show-boat fashion.

I really love the piece though, and was very moved by how you cut out the fight scene. It was beautiful.