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Centaurs off the starboard bow!
Full speed ahead! 83%  83%  [ 5 ]
Retreat! 0%  0%  [ 0 ]
Wait, what? 0%  0%  [ 0 ]
Don't care 17%  17%  [ 1 ]
Total votes : 6
Total voters : 6
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PostPosted: Sat Oct 31, 2015 2:39 pm 
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All Aboard!
by razorborne
Status: Private (until Ossia is complete)

All Aboard!, by razorborne

word count: 1295

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PostPosted: Sat Oct 31, 2015 11:05 pm 
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I like this story so much I pretty much built an entire game around it, so you know my answer.

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The format of YMtC and the Expanded Multiverse.
YMtC: My Deck of Many Things | NGA Masters | 2 | 3 | Roses of Paliano | Duel Decks: War of the Wheel | Jakkard: Wild Cards | From Maral's Vault | Taramir: The Dark Tide
Solphos: Solphos | Fool's Gold | Planeswalker's Guide | The Guiding Light | The Weight of a Soul
Game design: Pokémon Tales | Fleets of Ossia: War Machines | Hunter Killer | Red Jackie's Run


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PostPosted: Sat Nov 07, 2015 8:31 pm 
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oh sweet two votes!

:duel:

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PostPosted: Sat Nov 07, 2015 8:38 pm 
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I still find the POV shift a little awkward, but I like the story well enough overall.

"Yea."

[Pre-Edit]: Three votes, now!


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PostPosted: Sun Nov 08, 2015 3:09 am 
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This was good, actually. I'm probably going to vote "yea", but before I do...

First, I agree with Raven. That point of view switch sort of threw me off? I'm also not sure why it was necessary. I'd actually like to see how Swiftpad pulled off his heroics - and I don't think it would be such a stretch to tell the battle from his perspective. Maybe from a window or something?

Second, I still have no idea what race I'm dealing with here. I'm going to go with Viashino through context clues, but your inhuman races seem very... human. Besides the word "lizards" coming up and a reference to webbed feet, I'd never be able to tell that Swiftpad and his buddies were anything different from me.

For how short the story is, though, it puts it's point across well - and I love what I'm seeing of Ossia through these short pieces. It would be a shame if this one did not make it in. Normally, I'd vote "NAI", but instead, I'm going to vote "Yea".

You're a good writer and, even if this piece needs a little sprucing up, I'm confident you're next one will be even better.

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PostPosted: Sun Nov 08, 2015 3:42 am 
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First, I agree with Raven. That point of view switch sort of threw me off? I'm also not sure why it was necessary. I'd actually like to see how Swiftpad pulled off his heroics - and I don't think it would be such a stretch to tell the battle from his perspective. Maybe from a window or something?
the purpose is juxtaposition. admittedly, fulling getting that probably requires some background on Dragonroost, but the point of the story is to compare Narrin, who spent most of his time wandering away from the war and thus represents the "natural" worldview of the Lizards, and Kiir, who has had to stay home and protect the Isle, representing the worn-down ideals. it switches from a very carefree feel that isn't even concerned with the approaching enemy fleet to a much more harsh, focused one. that shift can't be portrayed without shifting perspectives.

Second, I still have no idea what race I'm dealing with here. I'm going to go with Viashino through context clues, but your inhuman races seem very... human. Besides the word "lizards" coming up and a reference to webbed feet, I'd never be able to tell that Swiftpad and his buddies were anything different from me.
they're lizards.

:duel:

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PostPosted: Sun Nov 08, 2015 11:33 am 
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Quote:
the purpose is juxtaposition. admittedly, fulling getting that probably requires some background on Dragonroost, but the point of the story is to compare Narrin, who spent most of his time wandering away from the war and thus represents the "natural" worldview of the Lizards, and Kiir, who has had to stay home and protect the Isle, representing the worn-down ideals. it switches from a very carefree feel that isn't even concerned with the approaching enemy fleet to a much more harsh, focused one. that shift can't be portrayed without shifting perspectives.


Yeah, that makes sense. Still, I think the story could benefit from making the shift more obvious. While there are some things that should be left for the reader to figure out, which character they are reading about is almost never one of them. Maybe a paragraph break, or some symbols? I like using "***" to notate shifts in perspective, or even just time lapses.

Like I said, I already voted yea - just something to keep in mind!

Quote:
they're lizards.


Oh.

That sort of cements my previous point. While I came into this story knowing a little bit about Ossia, and probably could have found out this tidbit of information with a little research, it's not apparent in the work until Swiftpad thinks the word "lizards", and even then (as was apparent by my reaction, hehe) that word could be used as a euphemism for any number of Magic races.

Basically what I'm saying is that there is no mention of scales, tails, flicking tongues, clear eye-lids... no mention of cold blood, possible regenerative powers, or claws. These are reptiles! Drive it home! Make them different from us mammals. ;)

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PostPosted: Sun Nov 08, 2015 1:38 pm 
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Yeah, that makes sense. Still, I think the story could benefit from making the shift more obvious. While there are some things that should be left for the reader to figure out, which character they are reading about is almost never one of them. Maybe a paragraph break, or some symbols? I like using "***" to notate shifts in perspective, or even just time lapses.
maybe, but the shift happens mid-scene. the action has begun, taking time out to say "oh, now it's a new person" would break the flow. I did go back and reexamine the transition after Raven originally mentioned it, but I really can't read it in a way that makes it non-obvious. the shift in gender helps, as does the shift in tone, as does the first sentence of the new perspective being explicitly about Kiir. I just can't find a way to read it such that it's not immediately obvious what happened.

Oh.

That sort of cements my previous point. While I came into this story knowing a little bit about Ossia, and probably could have found out this tidbit of information with a little research, it's not apparent in the work until Swiftpad thinks the word "lizards", and even then (as was apparent by my reaction, hehe) that word could be used as a euphemism for any number of Magic races.

Basically what I'm saying is that there is no mention of scales, tails, flicking tongues, clear eye-lids... no mention of cold blood, possible regenerative powers, or claws. These are reptiles! Drive it home! Make them different from us mammals. ;)
there's not really any mention of mammal-y stuff either, though. it's just not really a story about their bodies so much as their culture.

I think of these stories as functioning on two separate levels. one is an exploration, the other is a narrative. for the former, I think it's reasonable to expect some familiarity with Ossia. for the latter, I try not to make that necessary. for the former, it's important to know that they're Lizards and what that means in the context of the world, but for the latter... it's not really relevant.

them being physically human wouldn't really change much here, narratively. them having scales or forked tongues or tails doesn't play into the story being told and I don't think it'd be better if it did. what's important, at least to me, is the personalities. for instance, if they were humans, a character behaving the way Narrin does while in the middle of a warzone would be incredibly bizarre. that a personality like Narrin's serves as inspiration to the crewmen in a war says a lot more about the Lizards, to me, than any physical description could.

that said if I'm allowed to change things I can certainly sneak in a couple references to scales, tails, and whatnot. maybe not as much as you'd like but at least a little more than is currently there.

:duel:

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PostPosted: Thu Nov 12, 2015 8:49 pm 
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"Already arrows..." Either needs a comma after 'already' or else needs to be " Arrows were already..."

That's the only big boo boo I can see.

And I must say that any apparent naïveté in your writing style on this piece seems to only make it better.

I enjoyed the intense moments, and like the moral.

Yea


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