It is currently Thu Nov 28, 2024 10:33 am

All times are UTC - 6 hours [ DST ]




Post new topic Reply to topic  [ 14 posts ] 

Ride the tiger?
Poll ended at Sun Sep 27, 2015 10:49 pm
Yea 33%  33%  [ 2 ]
Nay 17%  17%  [ 1 ]
Not-As-Is 33%  33%  [ 2 ]
Abstain 17%  17%  [ 1 ]
Total votes : 6
Total voters : 6
Author Message
PostPosted: Thu Sep 10, 2015 10:49 pm 
Offline
Member
User avatar

Joined: Nov 04, 2013
Posts: 5157
Holly, Diver :diamond:
by OrcishLibrarian


Holly had just slipped her right foot into the water-sealed canvas leg of the diving suit when she felt her boot come down atop something soft, wet, and squishy. Cringing, she shuddered involuntarily.


“Damnation, Ronald, I thought you said you cleaned the suit out!” she yelled across the floating platform at the barometrician, who had the glass cover off from one of his console’s many dials and was poking at its needle with a confused expression on his face.


“I did clean it out,” Ronald said. He didn’t bother to look up from his work.


“Well, you did a terrible job,” Holly said. “There are still bits of him down at the bottom.”


The barometrician’s shoulders shrugged. “I rinsed it out,” he said. “I didn’t scrub it down with a fine cloth. I figured that fixing the umbilicus was a more important use of my time.”


“I ought to make you climb into this thing. It’s disgusting,” Holly said.


But the apprentice salvager gritted her teeth and slid her other leg into the diving suit as well, trying doggedly to ignore the wetness which she felt seep up around the tops of her boots.


“I should get an extra share for this,” she said. “Especially after what happened to Ozborn.”


Until earlier that day, Ozborn had been the expedition’s salvage master. He had spent more time inside the half-mechanical, half-magical diving suit than any other man alive, and he had been training Holly to follow in his footsteps.


But then the umbilicus had sprung a catastrophic leak while Ozborn was down at depth among the old academy ruins. The suit had lost pressure, and, as the surrounding water collapsed the suit’s soft canvas body, it had forced the entirety of Ozborn’s soft, fleshy body up into the suit’s thick, riveted-brass helmet.


To call that a tight fit was an understatement.


Which meant that, now, Holly had spent more time in the diving suit than any other man alive. And she wasn’t so much following in Ozborn’s footsteps as she was standing in puddles of him.


This was not how she had envisioned graduating from apprentice salvager to master salvager.


She had wanted to call the dive off, but the artificer who headed the expedition had overruled her. They’d come too far, he’d said, and the rewards were too close. Besides, Ozborn had signed a contract which pledged him through to the job’s completion, with no loopholes for catastrophic decompression or being crushed into a red, soupy mush, or anything like that. And, as his employee at the time of signing, Holly was bound by the terms of the deal as well.


She’d demanded to see the contract – which, with a smirk, the artificer had provided. To her dismay, she’d found that the weasel-bearded man was right: there was no escape clause for death by crushing, or anything like it.


So, while she did not relish the thought of undertaking the dive she was about to make, she relished the thought of rotting away in debtor’s prison even less, and therefore she had resolved to take her chances with the suit.


“And you’re sure you fixed the umbilicus?” she said to Ronald. “Totally, one-hundred-percent sure?”


“Oh, absolutely,” the barometrician said. “I’m pretty sure.”


Holly swallowed. Her throat felt dry.


Well, there would be plenty of water where she was going.


“Let’s get this over with,” she said. “Seal me up.”


The barometrician’s assistants helped her to put on the suit’s great domed helmet – the thick crystal viewports of which did mercifully seem to have been scrubbed clean, although a faint, vaguely nauseating smell lingered unpleasantly around her nostrils. Through the tiny, circular viewport, Holly watched the assistants scurry around her as they fastened the helmet to the rest of the suit and checked all its various valves, gaskets, and seals. Finally, she saw the head assistant give the barometrician a thumbs-up.


At that signal, Ronald started the pressurizer running. Holly knew that the machine’s pumps and pistons made a powerfully loud racket when they were in operation, but, sealed-up inside the suit, the only noise she heard was the slow, steady hiss of air as it started to circulate in and out of the helmet through the umbilicus. Her ears hurt as the pressure inside the suit started to increase.


Then a crackle of static erupted inside the helmet, and she heard Ronald’s voice over the intercommunicator. His words sounded thin and distant – tinny, even. Like a mechanical fly buzzing around in her ear.


“Okay, let’s make this one quick,” the barometrician said. “Just get the powerstone and get out of there. No sightseeing. Yank on the tether when you’re ready to come back up. We’d all like to get out of here before sundown.”


“And here I was really hoping to make a leisurely dive out of this,” Holly said, not bothering to hide her sarcasm. “Just tell me when we’re at pressure. I want this over with worse than you do.”


A few minutes passed in uncomfortable silence. Finally, the barometrician’s voice crackled over the intercommunicator again.


“We’re at pressure,” he said. “You’re clear to dive.”


Without saying another word, Holly stepped over the edge of the floating platform and sank beneath the surface into the depths below.


As the suit’s heavy metal boots pulled her slowly, inevitably down towards the ocean floor, she watched the light around her steadily fade away, the clarity of the shallows replaced by the dark, inky stillness of the cold depths. Small schools of shiny, silver fish swam past her viewport and scattered away in all directions. A small stream of bubbles from the helmet’s one-way pressure valve floated up towards the surface.


Finally, after what felt like an eternity of sinking, she felt her feet touch the sandy bottom. The water at this depth was midnight black, so she switched on the luminescent crystal headlamp, which cast a thin, bluish light out in front of her. In the distance, she could see seaweed clinging to fallen marble arches, and barnacles growing atop toppled stone columns.


“Okay, I’m on the bottom,” she said. “I can see the ruins ahead of me.”


“Good,” Ronald’s voice crackled back. “Follow the mosaic.”


It was easier said than done, but Holly directed the headlamp’s thin beam down towards her feet, where the tiled remnants of a mosaic floor were visible in patches beneath a thin coating of white sand. Kneeling down as best she could, she used her thickly-gloved hands to wipe away some of the sediment, revealing an array of colored lines among the patterned tiles.


“Which path do I follow?” she asked.


“Red,” said the voice from the surface. “The red path should lead to the generator hall.”


With a little more sifting of sand, Holly found a trail of red tiles stretching off into the distance. She started to follow them, her steps slow and cumbersome. It was always a strange experience, moving slowly through the deep water, encased inside the small, sealed world of the diving suit, with no light but the headlamp to guide her, and no sound except for the hiss of the umbilicus and the steady rhythm of her own breathing.


She moved carefully and purposefully as she went, making sure to check every so often that her tether was still attached, and that the umbilicus had a clear and unobstructed path behind her. Sometimes she would have to stop to clear some small debris which blocked her path, or to wipe away sand which had obscured the colored tiles beneath her feet. But, otherwise, the ocean was dead and still around her, the only movement coming when startled crabs would scuttle away from her path, or when an eel would poke its head out from a gap in the ruins, regard her curiously with its beady green eyes, and then vanish back into its dark hole.


The water was too cold for sharks and too shallow for sea serpents, the artificer had assured her. She prayed that he was right.


Finally, after what felt like an eternity of picking her way through the crumbled walls and sunken hallways of the lost academy, she saw an imposing arched doorway appear in front of her. A few old, rotted boards hung limply from the gaping doorframe. The red line on the tiled floor vanished through the open doorway and into the dark water beyond.


“I found the generator hall,” Holly said through the intercommunicator.


“Good,” crackled the reply.


“How will I know this thing when I see it?”


“It’ll look like a big, shiny diamond. You’ll know it.”


“Big, shiny rock. Got it.”


Holly pulled down a soft, crumbling timber that lay across the doorway, then she stepped into the generator hall.


Inside, the room was vast and cavernous. She looked up, but the thin light from her headlamp did not penetrate far enough to reveal the ceiling. Various bits of rusting machinery littered the floor, and copper tubing snaked across the walls.


She switched off her lamp and swept her head around in wide arcs, searching for any other source of illumination. Finally, through the glass of the viewport, she spotted what looked like a faint light off in the distance.


“I think I’ve got it,” she said. “I can see a light.”


She started to move towards the distant shimmer, only to draw up short when a second light seemed to appear from nowhere, shimmering in the water just next to the first one.


“Wait, there’s two,” she said.


“Two what?” crackled the voice from the surface.


“Two lights,” she said.


“Can you tell what they are?”


“No. I’ll have to get closer.” And she started to walk again.


Suddenly, the lights vanished for a second, only to reappear a moment later. Like a flicker, almost.


Or a blink.


Suddenly, Holly had the very real, very disconcerting sensation of being watched.


The lights started to move on their own, started to draw closer to her. As they did, their shapes seemed to shift subtly to become less circular, and more horizontally oblong, with pointed corners, like the eyes of a cat in the black and blue.


Trembling a little bit, she switched the headlamp back on, and came face-to-face with what looked like a tiger. A metal-black and rust-brown tiger with two softly glowing eyes.


Her breath caught in her chest. “Oh, hells,” she said.


“What?” the intercom asked. “What is it?”


“It’s a tiger.”


“That’s not possible.”


“Believe me, it’s possible,” she said. She tried to stand stone still.


“You’ve been down too long. You’re seeing things.”


“I don’t think so,” Holly said, even as she hoped that Ronald might be right, that it might just be an imbalance in the air mixture which was affecting her mind.


“Nice kitty,” she said to herself, and she took a small step backward.


The tiger bared its fangs and lunged.


Cursing, she tried to dive to one side. She was slow and clumsy inside the suit, but the tiger had been some distance away when it leapt, and she just managed to half-swim, half-tumble out of its path. As the strange beast flashed past her, she caught a better glimpse of it in the light from her headlamp, and what she saw made her gasp audibly.


The cat – which was at least as big as she was, diving suit and all – seemed to be made from intertwined coils of razor-like wire. Some of the wires must have been iron, because they had turned largely to rust from years of saltwater corrosion, such that the tiger left a faintly red trail in the water behind it as it moved. But other bits of wire looked steely-black and sharp as the day they had been forged. And, as she thought about what the tiger’s black stripes could do if they caught the canvas of her suit, Holly felt a dry lump form at the base of her throat.


“I’m not imagining it!” she screamed into the intercommunicator. “It’s a giant wirecat, and it’s very alive – or whatever you’d call it – and it’s very not happy to see me!”


“Get away,” the barometrician called down to her. “Get away!”


“I’m trying!” she called back. But the tiger was between her and the door now. She could see the look in its eyes, and she knew it was mean.


Slowly, she started to step backwards, trying to back away from the wirecat, to buy herself time and space for maneuver. As she did, the tiger lowered its head. Its tail swished through the water behind it, leaving a billowing red wake, and it clawed at the sandy floor with one massive metallic paw.


As the beast moved, a large, rusty section of metal cracked and fell away from its side, and Holly was able to get a glimpse inside the creature’s wire frame. Bright, white light shone out through the newly-opened hole, and she saw a large, glowing stone pulsing away inside the creature, roughly where a real animal’s heart would have been.


It was the powerstone. It was what had kept the wirecat alive for years and years below the deep, dark sea. It had to be.


As she watched the tiger’s tail flick back and forth as it readied itself to pounce, an idea started to form in her mind. It was a bad idea. A terrible, horrible, desperate idea.


But, as she waited for a better idea to appear inside her head, nothing else came.


She took a hard, dry swallow and flexed her fingers. She hoped that the diving suit’s heavy leather gloves were really as thick as they seemed.


For a long, tense moment, she and the wirecat simply stared at each other through the dark, swirling water and the clear glass of the viewport.


Then, finally – just when Holly felt like she couldn’t take it any longer, like she would lose her nerve if she had to wait for even another second – the cat leapt again.


And, again, she pivoted out of the metal tiger’s path as nimbly as her diving suit would allow. But, this time, as the feline tangle of live wire sailed by her, she reached out after it, closed her hand around its bobbing tail, and held on for dear life.


She felt raised points beneath the thick leather of the glove, but the wire did not seem to pierce all the way through. Before she had much of a chance to be thankful for that, though, she was yanked off of her feet, and found herself being pulled through the water in the big tiger’s thrashing wake.


For a few horrible, stomach churning moments, she rode the tiger, terrified to hold on, but even more terrified to let go. The wirecat bucked and thrashed fiercely beneath her grip, and, with each shake and toss, she was terrified that the wire of its tail would tear through her glove, or that she would be pulled alongside it and raked across its clean, sharp stripes. She fought back as best she could, refusing to let go, trying to shift her body so as to keep the beast off-balance, trying to hang on long enough for the opportunity she knew she needed.


Then, in a flash, it came. The tiger tried to make a quick turn in order to bring her into its line of sight. And, as it did, it exposed its damaged side to her, and she saw the powerstone shining and pulsing within its core, less than an arm’s reach away.


Before she could think about the risk she was taking, she let go of the wirecat’s tail and shot her hand out, trying desperately to reach through the rusted-out gap in the beast’s side, grabbing blindly at the glowing powerstone with her outstretched hand while trying not to catch the suit’s canvas arm on any sharp points.


She felt her gloved fingertips brush something warm. She closed them around it and pulled as hard as she could.


There was a sudden, bright flash outside the viewport as the powerstone came free from its wire aperture. She felt the sharp edges of the opening scrape against the diving suit’s arm, but – somehow, someway – the fabric stayed whole, and, as she fell over backwards under the force of her own momentum, she did so with her diving suit intact, and with the warm, pulsing powerstone clutched in her hand. Just in front of her, the suddenly-lifeless wirecat collapsed noiselessly onto the sandy floor with a great billow of rust.


For a moment, she simply lay there on her back, gasping for breath, listening to the strange, hypnotic hiss of air from the umbilicus, and staring at the priceless artifact she now held in her gloved hand.


“Holly?” Even through the static of the intercommunicator, she could hear the panicked edge in Ronald’s voice. “Holly, are you there?”


“Yeah, I am,” she eventually said between long, ragged breaths.


“Are you alright?”


“Yeah, I’m alright.”


“What happened down there?”


“I rode the tiger,” she said.


“I’m not sure I see what you mean.”


Holly reached down with her free hand, found the suit’s tether, and gave it several short, sharp pulls. “I’ll explain it better when I’m on the surface,” she said.


But she knew that was a lie. Some things just have to be seen.


_________________
"And remember, I'm pullin' for ya, 'cause we're all in this together." - Red Green


Last edited by OrcishLibrarian on Sat Sep 19, 2015 9:55 pm, edited 1 time in total.

Like this post
Top
 Profile  
 
PostPosted: Thu Sep 10, 2015 11:42 pm 
Offline
Member
User avatar

Joined: Jun 21, 2014
Posts: 8338
Location: Singapore
I'm not sold on this one. There's nothing wrong with the writing, but the technology and terminology in use feel just a little too modern for my taste. I created Solphos, true, but Solphos has its own internal logic and aesthetic that make it feel like a fantasy world. Things work fundamentally differently on Solphos. Here, it feels like you just took a story about a modern-day diver with radio and electricity and reskinned it - which is a fine story, but not Magic.

Voted NAI.

_________________
Image
The format of YMtC and the Expanded Multiverse.
YMtC: My Deck of Many Things | NGA Masters | 2 | 3 | Roses of Paliano | Duel Decks: War of the Wheel | Jakkard: Wild Cards | From Maral's Vault | Taramir: The Dark Tide
Solphos: Solphos | Fool's Gold | Planeswalker's Guide | The Guiding Light | The Weight of a Soul
Game design: Pokémon Tales | Fleets of Ossia: War Machines | Hunter Killer | Red Jackie's Run


Like this post
Top
 Profile  
 
PostPosted: Wed Sep 16, 2015 10:14 am 
Offline
Member
User avatar

Joined: Sep 22, 2013
Posts: 5699
Location: Inside my own head
Identity: Human
I'm afraid to say I echo CKY's sentiments on this one.

I'm reminded of the difference between parody and reference. I see potential here, but its obscured by the odd writing style, especially where you've chosen to copy lines from the original song. See, in Love and Theft, you crafted a self-contained story that didn't need knowledge of the song to be appreciated, whereas here, the story is almost saying to the audience "hey, you remember this song? nudgenudge winkwink saynomore".

Even discounting that fact, as CKY also said, this doesn't feel like a Magic story, and not even in the same way that Small Magic didn't feel like a Magic story. In Small Magic, there was a lack of clues to let the reader know it's a Magic setting and not a generic fantasy one, whereas here it feels like it's deliberately not a Magic story, but just a story about an early underwater diver reskinned to make it sound fantastical.

I have to say Nay.


Like this post
Top
 Profile  
 
PostPosted: Thu Sep 17, 2015 10:48 pm 
Offline
Member
User avatar

Joined: Nov 04, 2013
Posts: 5157
Thanks so much for reading and voting, CKY and Luna! I really appreciate your thoughts and comments. I'm sorry to hear that it seems like this story hit a sour note for you two.

I'm not sold on this one. There's nothing wrong with the writing, but the technology and terminology in use feel just a little too modern for my taste. I created Solphos, true, but Solphos has its own internal logic and aesthetic that make it feel like a fantasy world. Things work fundamentally differently on Solphos. Here, it feels like you just took a story about a modern-day diver with radio and electricity and reskinned it - which is a fine story, but not Magic.

Voted NAI.

Thanks for sharing this concern, CKY. I confess that the technology here wasn't something that had struck me as too problematic, so it's helpful to hear your perspective. My intent was for the devices in question to be pretty simple and straightforward, without anything that goes notably beyond what you might find artificers cooking-up elsewhere in Magic.

The diving suit itself is a pretty low-tech piece of equipment. Basically, all that's required is a water-tight suit with a helmet, an umbilicus to connect the diver to the surface, and an air compressor to keep the suit pressurized and supplied with air. Theoretically, the compressor could be either magical, or mechanical, or some combination of the two, but, in this case, I actually envision it being man-powered -- I think that Ronald's assistants are just pumping the darn thing by hand. And my intent for the suit's luminescent crystal headlamp is that it's just a glowstone in a housing that gives it some manner of directionality.

Maybe the intercommunicator is the biggest issue? I confess that, when I was imagining this story, it struck me as natural that the artificer would have rigged something that could transmit voices between the suit and the surface, since the two points are linked by the umbilicus. I wasn't picturing any kind of a sophisticated radio -- rather, something much closer to a pair of tin cans linked by a wire, with a little magical amplification on both ends.

Anyway, this wasn't something which had been on my radar, so thanks for pointing-out your concerns.


I'm afraid to say I echo CKY's sentiments on this one.

Hey, you never have to be afraid to say what you're feeling!


I'm reminded of the difference between parody and reference. I see potential here, but its obscured by the odd writing style, especially where you've chosen to copy lines from the original song. See, in Love and Theft, you crafted a self-contained story that didn't need knowledge of the song to be appreciated, whereas here, the story is almost saying to the audience "hey, you remember this song? nudgenudge winkwink saynomore".

I'm sorry that you felt like the references are detracting from the story. Certainly, that wasn't the effect that I was trying for. My hope is that, if you're aware of the song references, they prompt a smile or two when they pop-up, but that, for someone who doesn't have that additional context, the piece still works as just a fun adventure story. That's actually one of the reason's I'm fond of this piece -- I feel bad for Holly's predicament, and I enjoy rooting for her when she goes toe-to-toe with the tiger. But it sounds like you didn't enjoy things nearly as much, and I'm really sorry about that!


Even discounting that fact, as CKY also said, this doesn't feel like a Magic story, and not even in the same way that Small Magic didn't feel like a Magic story. In Small Magic, there was a lack of clues to let the reader know it's a Magic setting and not a generic fantasy one, whereas here it feels like it's deliberately not a Magic story, but just a story about an early underwater diver reskinned to make it sound fantastical.

Again, I'm really sorry if the story ends up feeling that way. I confess that I've never had that reaction to this story, but that's probably because this piece is indelibly linked to a pair of cards in my mind -- specifically, Umbilicus and Wirecat.

I've always had a soft spot for Umbilicus. Partly, that's because I must have spent the better part of a year trying to break that card when it came out. (So much so that, when Second Chance got printed, I traded away a lot of good stuff to pick up a playset, because I thought that you could combo it with Umbilicus to take infinite turns. Believe me, I was a sad, sad panda when I found out that it didn't work...) But also because I love the art on that card -- the image of this sort of slouch-shouldered person in this outfit that looked like a Magic/steampunk diving suit/space suit, venturing into some horrifying place with only this fragile-looking tether to connect them to safety. That art always seemed to have this feeling of resigned dread to it, which sort of formed the basis for Holly's character.

And, once I was thinking about Urza's Saga artifacts, I remembered the Wirecat, and I immediately loved the combination of the two. It struck me that, if you were in that suit, and you found yourself face-to-face with this predatory cat that was made of barbed wire, it would be a terrifying moment. Thanks to the suit, you'd be slow, and your senses would be restricted, and you'd have very little freedom of movement. And, meanwhile, here's this lifeless thing that, while it looked scary enough in its own right, would be especially dangerous to you, because all it would take is one little puncture in your suit, or one little tear in your umbilicus, and you'd be done for.

Anyway, I loved the interaction between those two images, and between the cards and the song, and the story sort of spooled itself out from there.

Somehow, I doubt that addresses your concerns, but hopefully it gives some indication of why I felt like the story had a Magic feel to it, and would make sense in the M:EM.

_________________
"And remember, I'm pullin' for ya, 'cause we're all in this together." - Red Green


Like this post
Top
 Profile  
 
PostPosted: Thu Sep 17, 2015 11:16 pm 
Offline
Member
User avatar

Joined: Sep 22, 2013
Posts: 5699
Location: Inside my own head
Identity: Human
To be fair, the issue wasn't with the major themes or big plot points. I can get behind the idea of an early deep-sea diver in Magic. I liked the rusty wire tiger in a sunken ruin.

The problem is in the execution.

I can't really focus on the individual points of issue because it's not any one of them, but all of them put together. I can understand your explanations of the radio and the light and the pump and all that. However, the issue is that, taken together, they make the piece feel less like its own entity and more like a true story of a 19th-century diver being interpreted through a fantasy lens. Radio as a crystal communicator? Of course! Half rusted sunken ship with dangerous sharp points? Yeah! Hints of Atlantis? Why not?

And again, the writing style does not do this piece any favors. Particularly jarring were the lines "She could see the look in its eyes, and she knew it was mean" and "I’m not sure I see what you mean". The former because it's wonky as all hell and the latter because it doesn't actually make sense as a response. They stick out like sore thumbs and was what I meant when I mentioned the difference between parody and reference.


Like this post
Top
 Profile  
 
PostPosted: Thu Sep 17, 2015 11:24 pm 
Offline
Member
User avatar

Joined: Jun 21, 2014
Posts: 8338
Location: Singapore
If you changed the names, rewrote the dialogue to be less modern, and drew more emphasis to the fantastic nature of the devices involved, I think this would feel much more like a Magic story.

_________________
Image
The format of YMtC and the Expanded Multiverse.
YMtC: My Deck of Many Things | NGA Masters | 2 | 3 | Roses of Paliano | Duel Decks: War of the Wheel | Jakkard: Wild Cards | From Maral's Vault | Taramir: The Dark Tide
Solphos: Solphos | Fool's Gold | Planeswalker's Guide | The Guiding Light | The Weight of a Soul
Game design: Pokémon Tales | Fleets of Ossia: War Machines | Hunter Killer | Red Jackie's Run


Like this post
Top
 Profile  
 
PostPosted: Fri Sep 18, 2015 12:00 am 
Offline
Member
User avatar

Joined: Sep 22, 2013
Posts: 11080
What, someone writing a Magic story based on a song? I just don't see it. It could never work. Who would even do such a thing? :paranoid:

Anyway, I'm going to defend this story. I really don't see anything wrong with this as a Magic-themed story. Between the Umbilicus, Wirecat, and Academy Ruins, there are plenty of actual cards referenced her to put together an argument for that, as well as the inclusion of powerstones, put it pretty solidly in MTG realm, as far as I'm concerned. I would also say that while I've never been a fan of "modern" technology in Magic (I was originally opposed to guns on Jakkard) I will say that we've seen this level of tech or worse even in canon, and the bulk of this story, to me, lies within more traditional lines, like the description of the temple or the artifact creature than not.

That said, I do think there are a few places it could have been "Magic'ed" up a bit. I think the "switching on" of Holly's light could have been a magical invocation, and the intercom thing could have done away with the "crackling" effect, and made it more a telepathic connection or something. Still, I'm honestly not seeing anything in this story that would preclude me from voting it in, because I think we as a whole have voted in an number of things equally questionable as far as a fit for "traditional" MTG, if that's even a thing.

There are, however, several typos that should be addressed before being voted in. Here are a few I spotted:

"while Ozborn was at down at depth among the old academy ruins." - the first "at" is unneeded

"onto sandy floor with a great billow of rust." - onto the sandy floor

There was at least one or two others that I thought I had copied down, but apparently didn't, so I would just recommend another close read-through for those.

I'm torn on how to vote for this, because while the changes I mentioned would be nice, I genuinely don't think they are necessary to the story, and I would vote for this even if Orcish just said a flat-out "no" to the changes. But that combined with the typos makes me lean NAI.

Okay, so I'll vote Yea with the understanding that the typos will be taken care of, and with the further understanding that I would support the adoption of any suggested changes.


Like this post
Top
 Profile  
 
PostPosted: Sat Sep 19, 2015 10:55 pm 
Offline
Member
User avatar

Joined: Nov 04, 2013
Posts: 5157
Thanks for reading and for voting, Raven! As ever, your comments and thoughts are helpful.

I fixed the two typos that you specifically mentioned -- thanks for the sharp eyes! I read through the piece again, to try to spot the other mistakes that you thought were in there, but I confess that I didn't notice anything. I've done several proofreading passes at this point, so, wherever the errors are, they unfortunately seem to be the sort that I can consistently read over. If anyone does spot them in the text, though, I will obviously fix them.

But, with that having been said, I think the exercise is somewhat academic at this point, because, based on the discussion so far, I do not expect this piece to end up in the Archive.

For the record, I really appreciate your suggestions for ways to tweak the piece to make it seem more like a conventional Magic story. They're good ideas, and, if I was going to do a rewrite of the piece, I think I would use them.

But the problem that I keep running into is that I don't want to rewrite this piece to make it feel more like a conventional Magic story. I *like* that this one is a little bit different.

Unfortunately, the aspects of the story which other people haven't enjoyed are some of the things about the story which I like the most. :(

I read this piece aloud to myself tonight, and I like the way that it sounds. I like that it has a tone that's a little bit different from most of what's in the Archive -- that's a little bit different from most of what I write, for that matter. For example, I like that the intercommunicator crackles. There's something about that little hiss from the speaker that really drives home for me the unnaturalness of Holly's situation. She's inside this sealed suit -- which is almost a reality unto itself, completely isolated from the rest of the world -- and she's at the bottom of the sea, which is a place where people were never meant to go. There's something important, in my mind, about the hissing sound of the air through the umbilicus, and the crackling sound of the intercommunicator. Those are strange, unnerving sounds, and Holly is in a strange, unnerving place.

I even like the conversational strangeness that arises from some of the referenced lyrics. Like Luna said, there are places where they read as odd, or off, or strangely-worded. But those moments happen when Holly is down at depth, and I actually like the effect they have. They make me pause for a moment, and they make me sort of question the reliability of her narration. Maybe the pressure is starting to get to her, either literally or metaphorically. Maybe she has been down a little too long. I kind of like the trippy effect it creates.

I honestly don't feel like this story is just a fantasy re-skinning of a non-fantasy story. If I felt that way, then I never would have written it. The characters, their language, their world -- they all make sense to me. I don't feel like I'm forcing them. They all feel okay.

But, at the end of the day, when it comes to voting and the Archive, my feelings aren't the relevant ones.

Now, my purpose in explaining this is not to attempt to change anyone's mind, or to argue that I'm somehow right, and anyone else is therefore wrong. I'm just trying to explain why I like this story the way that it is. Other people *don't* like it the way it is, and that's completely fine! That's one of the great things about stories, in fact -- different people can come to the same work, and can have very different responses to it!

But it's looking like my response is going to be the minority one, and that's okay.

_________________
"And remember, I'm pullin' for ya, 'cause we're all in this together." - Red Green


Like this post
Top
 Profile  
 
PostPosted: Sat Sep 19, 2015 11:03 pm 
Offline
Member
User avatar

Joined: Sep 22, 2013
Posts: 11080
@Orcish: Yeah, I totally get you. I think it's happened to pretty much all of us. I mean, I could easily rewrite "Showdown" (Antine's Jakkard story) to get to where people would want it, but I honestly don't like the story as much that way.

But for whatever it's worth, I certainly appreciate this story! :)


Like this post
Top
 Profile  
 
PostPosted: Sun Sep 20, 2015 12:54 am 
Offline
Member
User avatar

Joined: Sep 22, 2013
Posts: 5699
Location: Inside my own head
Identity: Human
After reading the ghost ship story, I think why I'm not as easy to forgive this piece the faults I find in it, is that the dangling plot threads that you admit are in this, lend it to feeling like the middle work in a larger series. I realize that CKY basically already said this, but I want to bring it up because this brings to the forefront the problems it has. We're almost forced to look at the oddities because we need to essentially ignore the details like why they're there and what they're looking for and so on and so forth. And in doing so, our attention goes elsewhere; specifically to focusing on the weird writing and odd setting.


Like this post
Top
 Profile  
 
PostPosted: Sun Sep 20, 2015 2:13 am 
Offline
Member
User avatar

Joined: Sep 22, 2013
Posts: 11080
I fixed the two typos that you specifically mentioned -- thanks for the sharp eyes! I read through the piece again, to try to spot the other mistakes that you thought were in there, but I confess that I didn't notice anything. I've done several proofreading passes at this point, so, wherever the errors are, they unfortunately seem to be the sort that I can consistently read over. If anyone does spot them in the text, though, I will obviously fix them.

I reread the story, because it was bothering me that I couldn't remember/didn't jot down the other ones I spotted. Here they are:

"the thick crystal viewports of which did mercifully seem to have been scrubbed clean," - the "of which" is unnecessary here. Just "which" would be the grammatically correct.

"Holly pulled down a soft, crumbling timber that lay across the doorway, then she stepped into the generator hall." - This one's a nitpick, but I would personally make the "Then she stepped into the generator hall" a separate sentence.

"to buy herself time and space for maneuver" - "to maneuver," or maybe "for a maneuver."

:D


Like this post
Top
 Profile  
 
PostPosted: Sun Sep 27, 2015 12:40 pm 
Offline
Member
User avatar

Joined: Sep 23, 2013
Posts: 4975
Preferred Pronoun Set: He/him
I meant to respond to this sooner, but had very little internet access this week.

I am in the exact opposite camp from Lord Luna here: I like the story, and I didn't even know that it was based on a song (could someone please tell me what song it is?). There were a few details about the equipment that felt a little too modern for me as well, but not enough to ruin it for me. I'm going to vote Yea.

_________________
Come and play 3 Card Magic! The Most Minimalistic Magic Format! (TM)

my ego sig


Like this post
Top
 Profile  
 
PostPosted: Sun Sep 27, 2015 1:07 pm 
Offline
YMtC Champ '14
YMTC Pro Tour Champion
User avatar

Joined: Jun 04, 2014
Posts: 15598
Location: Freedom
Preferred Pronoun Set: they
Aaarrrgh wrote:
I am in the exact opposite camp from Lord Luna here: I like the story, and I didn't even know that it was based on a song (could someone please tell me what song it is?).



so I'm really ambivalent on this. I have no problem with the setting. I think it's pretty interesting, and there's definitely room for this level of technology somewhere in the multiverse. I also really like the writing style. the intro was really well done and interesting, and for reasons I can't even begin to explain I'm always a huge fan of deep-sea salvaging stories. weirdly specific but whatever. none of that is my problem.

my problem is I spent half the story dreading the tiger.

I feel like if I didn't know the song I would've loved this, but my familiarity with the source meant that I knew the major conflict going in. I was sort of hoping the tiger would be part of the mosaic and then something else would happen once she was in that I couldn't predict as easily, but instead it was just the tiger that I knew was coming, and it felt forced because it was so blatantly telegraphed.

I'm not sure how to vote on this. I really like large swaths of it. I'd like to see more from this world. I'd really like to see a version of this with a lot fewer references. heck, you can keep the tiger if you take out all the references, then I'll just be making the assumption I was making before which is that the name is an allusion and nothing more. I'm gonna not-as-is because I really like it but can't deal with the level of referencery.

:duel:

_________________
I tend to agree with Razor.

Mown wrote:
I'll never again complain about raz's criteria.


Like this post
Top
 Profile  
 
PostPosted: Sun Sep 27, 2015 8:14 pm 
Offline
Member

Joined: Sep 22, 2013
Posts: 889
With three to two against, I'm going to call this NOT accepted for now. Voting activity is down right now, anyway, which I believe is partially attributable to the news of the WOTC forum shutting down.


Like this post
Top
 Profile  
 
Display posts from previous:  Sort by  
Post new topic Reply to topic  [ 14 posts ] 

All times are UTC - 6 hours [ DST ]


You cannot post new topics in this forum
You cannot reply to topics in this forum
You cannot edit your posts in this forum
You cannot delete your posts in this forum
You cannot post attachments in this forum

Jump to:  
cron
Powered by phpBB® Forum Software © phpBB Group