I teach them to mess with my cats by injecting them with a neurosteroid concoction that transforms them into ninja cats! Now whenever a minion gets close, they get clawed.

My base is somehow overrun with ninja cats. How do I fix this?

Why you train your minions to be ninja cat CATCHERS!!! For a third of minimum wage, not only will they catch all the ninja cats in your base and retrain them to be normal cats, but for a limited time only you won't have to cover the medical bills involved!!!! What a great deal.

Your minions want a pay hike and are striking for better wages. Apparently the recent string of cat maulings has led them to believe that they at least deserve $10/hr plus benefits. Minion Richard Simmons from a while ago in this thread is back and leading the strike. You don't know what's more problematic. The fact that your entire workforce is not minioning anymore, leading to a halt in all progress for evil plans/activities, or the fact that they are blasting that awful work-out music in lieu of chanting. What do you do?

Musi hmmm? I'll give them a real earful! I keep cranking up the Richard Simmons music until it's literally loud enough to kill a man. Once the first minion falls the rest get the general idea and get back to work.

My paintball team made it to the nationals! How can I ready myself for the big game (in a way that involves killing a minion)?

Did I mention you have your own private practice course? Your team decides to practice really hard. To motivate the minions to be really tough opponents, they'll be stuck using paintball guns but you are using live fire.

Your minions are undefeated playing against you in paintball while you practice for nationals. What's worse, they haven't ever even gotten hit yet. What do you do?

I engineer a minion-seeking bullet. Unfortunately I forgot to switch back the ammo for the paintball tournament and instead of paintballs I only shoot minion-seeking bullets! Took me a couple clips of ammo to figure out what went wrong there.

You're losing in a paintball tournament and your gun doesn't have any paintballs. How can you fix this?

It turns out minion snot is a good substitute. Also apparently minions cannot secrete snot at an alarming rate and survive. Who knew?






This is the fire prevention and response division of your evil lair:



You are trying to hold a fire drill. Not only do the above minions have some serious trouble responding in an organized fashion, but the non fire-department minions apparently deem this to be a good standard for "leaving the building in an orderly fashion":




The response you get after repeated attempts at a serious fire drill is obviously not up to your standards. What do you do?

I burn some minions to death and say that they all shall have the same fate if they don't do a better fire drill.

I want to own every magic card in existence.

You get your minions to start a MTG counterfeiting operation. What's weird is that they are oddly good at it.

Due to your highly successful minion counterfeiters, the bottom has fallen out of the MTG collector's market. if something isn't done, Wizards isn't going to be able to keep printing new sets. What do you do?

To pay for them would be too expensive so you opt for armed robbery instead. A few of your minions get gunned down by angry homeowners/police, but the black lotuses are worth it. Actually, the sudden drop in supply will probably lead to a price spike.
I stage a mass suicide protest of minions at WOTC headquarters. The media backlash brings the company to its knees and I buy up all the stock on the cheap. With me in charge they'll never stop printing new cards.

Your trading card company is losing money at a horrifying rate. How do you fix this?

I recoup the losses through mass fraud. Don't worry though. The minion who we made head of the company will take the fall for it.


It turns out the minion you set up to take the fall for your company's shady dealings is part of an elite group of assassins and never bothered to put that on the resume. He has escaped from prison and is coming to get you. What do you do?

Pile up a twenty-minion thick, fifty-minion high wall around your house at all times. All the minions are glued together, and they are all wearing metal armor. If that doesn't work, I'll put a minion in my bed so that he looks like me and gets assassinated.

i play UB, but everyone in my store started playing motored.

I get minions to start playing at your store and crowd out the regulars. Unfortunately, despite all the interaction they've had with WOTC, the minions are terrible at playing Magic. They provide no challenge and are boring to play against.

I can't get enough non-minion people to show up at my weekly board game nights.

You send your minions out on a campaign to get more non-minion members for your group. Unfortunately they take this too literally, and your playgroup now has a chihuaha, a porcupine, and a duck in it.

Your minions have a 90% loss rate in Magic the Gathering to the new duck in the group. What do you do?

I send them to murder the duck. Unfortuately 90% of my minions are worse at murder than the duck is and only the tenth one succeeds.

You need to teach your minions how to fight.

I hire Manny Paquiao to teach my minions how to fight. However, this gives them a little bit too much confidence, and now they are on strike again.

Your minions are on strike because they have all learned how to box. What do you do?

I remind them why I am the master- because I have Chuck Norris on speed dial. Manny whipped 'em up into fighting shape, now Chuck's going to whup 'em back into working shape.

You owe Chuck Norris a favour. How do you repay him?

I create a line of minions from every store I can find within a five mile radius of his house so they can pass anything he asks for from any store down a line of them. Of course, I won't feed them or allow them to move, so they'll die shortly after the system is set up, but I'll just find more minions.

How do you clean up the miles of dead minions?

~SE++

I make my minions go clean it up. With shovels. Unfortunately they do a very bad job of handling the whole thing and some of them get sick because of it.

^^ Some of your minions are sick because they didn't wear gloves while handling dead minions. What do you do?

I let nature take its course.


Your minions have started making spambot accounts on NGA. What do you do?

i sell the vital organs of my minions on the black market until i have amassed enough wealth to become a masked nighttime vigilante equipped with futuristic gadgets and a base in the bottom of a lake where i do my martial arts training. i go to the offending minion's homes, confiscate their computers and beat them senseless with my bare hands. thanks to the mask they have no idea it's me, thus i retain their loyalty and things aren't awkward back at the office.

your soup is too hot, but if you don't eat it in the next 45 seconds to neutralize its explosive properties with your stomach acid, it will detonate and destroy most of north america.