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PostPosted: Fri Jan 09, 2015 1:00 am 
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Howdy, all! Okay, that's all the western slang I'm going to try for. Anyway, continuing in a long and glorious tradition, I have created this new Jakkard story for your, um...enjoyment? Let's hope so! So...enjoy!

Oh, and I suppose:
Trigger Warning


Seven Spineless Angels


Last edited by RavenoftheBlack on Tue Mar 31, 2015 8:41 pm, edited 2 times in total.

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PostPosted: Fri Jan 09, 2015 2:07 am 
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I probably shouldn't be making this post, but I have to share: because of how late it is, I initially read the thread title as "Steven Spineless Ageless", which of course confused the hell out of me. It took me three rereads to clear the fog, during which it morphed first to "Steven Spineless Angels" and then finally to the proper title.

I also want to say that my initial reaction to the proper title was "ew", because I was imagining angels who had had their spines literally removed. Like, blood and gore everywhere.

(I will read this eventually)


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PostPosted: Fri Jan 09, 2015 2:11 am 
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I probably shouldn't be making this post, but I have to share: because of how late it is, I initially read the thread title as "Steven Spineless Ageless", which of course confused the hell out of me. It took me three rereads to clear the fog, during which it morphed first to "Steven Spineless Angels" and then finally to the proper title.

I also want to say that my initial reaction to the proper title was "ew", because I was imagining angels who had had their spines literally removed. Like, blood and gore everywhere.

(I will read this eventually)

I like that you changed the Re: in the subject line.

:D


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PostPosted: Sat Jan 10, 2015 12:04 am 
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I am super excited about this, Raven. I'm either going to read it tonight or -- if I fade before that happens -- tomorrow.

Either way, soon! (And excited!)

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PostPosted: Sat Jan 10, 2015 11:48 pm 
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Thanks a ton for posting this one, Raven! I thoroughly enjoyed it.

Deep and not-so-deep thoughts

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PostPosted: Sun Jan 11, 2015 12:39 am 
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@Orcish


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PostPosted: Sun Jan 11, 2015 1:02 am 
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I probably shouldn't be making this post, but I have to share: because of how late it is, I initially read the thread title as "Steven Spineless Ageless", which of course confused the hell out of me. It took me three rereads to clear the fog, during which it morphed first to "Steven Spineless Angels" and then finally to the proper title.

I also want to say that my initial reaction to the proper title was "ew", because I was imagining angels who had had their spines literally removed. Like, blood and gore everywhere.

(I will read this eventually)

I like that you changed the Re: in the subject line.

:D

I'm actually rather surprised that anyone caught on. It's such an easy thing to not-notice.

(I will read this eventually. I've got like three other things from the M:EM to read first, though.)


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PostPosted: Sun Jan 11, 2015 1:30 am 
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@ Raven

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PostPosted: Sun Jan 11, 2015 7:54 am 
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Them angels creep the hell out of me. Quite a scary surprise, given the descriptions I've seen of Jakkard angels.

Love the antagonists. There's just so much humanity in the hands of duty, and you can't help but love them in spite of their "prime directive".


Overall, quite a nice little story. Will be re-reading a couple of times to see if I've missed anything.

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PostPosted: Sun Jan 11, 2015 12:48 pm 
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@Helio: Thanks for reading and commenting! Yeah, those angels are something. Jakkard's a strange place...

Glad you liked the Ridders. They were fun to write.


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PostPosted: Sun Jan 11, 2015 1:03 pm 
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Indeed. It's nice to see that kind of villain every once in the while, especially given how black-and-white (HAHAHAHA) official canon has been...

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PostPosted: Sun Jan 11, 2015 3:56 pm 
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I've gone ahead and edited the story to fix the errors Orcish addressed.


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PostPosted: Mon Jan 12, 2015 1:41 am 
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Good story. I'm not that familiar with the genre, but as far as I'm concerned you hit all the right notes.

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PostPosted: Mon Jan 12, 2015 1:50 am 
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Good story. I'm not that familiar with the genre, but as far as I'm concerned you hit all the right notes.

Thanks! Glad you like it, CKY!


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PostPosted: Fri Feb 13, 2015 4:27 pm 
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I finally read this!

Spoiler


So, yeah, I enjoyed it.


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PostPosted: Fri Feb 13, 2015 4:28 pm 
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Oh hey another story for me to catch up on :P


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PostPosted: Fri Feb 13, 2015 6:17 pm 
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@Luna: Thanks for reading and catching the typos. (I swear, I thought I fixed the parameter/perimeter thing. Maybe I used it twice and fixed the other one...). I could definitely see Sam Eliot playing Sage. As for the angels, it was intentional that I didn't mention them until I did. That doesn't mean it's the right call, but it was my intention. And Tesses, yeah.

@Keeper: And don't forget War of the Wheel! :P


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PostPosted: Sat Feb 14, 2015 8:26 am 
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The title at first glance feels like a callback to the Magnificent Seven. After reading it... I think this is intentional? It is kind of an anti-western, where the heroes look on upon injustice and fail to act, and then gain, that is already present in Westerns, it is just High Noon without Will Kane. I like it, I like the fatalism, it just irks me that I can't really find a place for this in comparison to other Western literature.

Just a few specific likes:
Excellent scene setting
Strong juxtaposition of movement and stillness
Description of the Angels (The poncho wings are my favorite part of the style guide, but you nail everything about them)
I also like when you first mention the Angels, it is a nice mini-revelation mid story.

A few thoughts on improvement:
-I feel like the Angels could be even more helpless if you demonstrated that that they were perfectly capable of saving the Lovers. Like, maybe they each have a pistol on their hip, but they still refuse to act. I imagine Kyla trying to take one of their pistols and being stopped, before she grabs Trevo's and commits suicide by posse.

-The gunfight feels a bit stale. I know how hard it is to write action sequences so I feel bad critiquing this, especially because I have no idea how to improve it. My gut tells me that Sage is giving the reader a bit too much information though. I'm thinking treat this like a movie, you have a shot of a pistol emerging from a window, and it either fires or you cut immediately to the returning fire. Maybe after you establish a pattern you cut to a shot of the experienced marksman carefully studying the scene, but you don't tell us what the marksman is thinking, because looking behind the scenes ruins the Magic trick. Just build expectation with stillness, and then when the marksman finally fires, he will get his result. How he knew? Who cares, the important thing is that the audience correctly identified the winner ahead of time. I feel like I got off track here, lets boil it down to "more showing, less telling."

Anyways, great story Raven :D

P.S. I want to take a cinematography class...

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PostPosted: Sat Feb 14, 2015 2:14 pm 
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@Dr_Demento: Hey, thanks for reading and commenting! I'm glad you enjoyed most of this. As for the title, it's actually a reference to the song I based this story off, although there are a few similarities to The Magnificent Seven, now that you mention it. I was pretty happy with the way the angels came across, so I'm glad you liked that.

As for the gunfight, I'll reread it with your suggestion in mind. No promise I'll change anything, of course, but it's certainly worth thinking about.

Thanks!


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