I plan on using this character in an upcoming story, but I wanted her to be voted into the M:EM first. Some of you may remember her from Barinellos' Walker Creation Contest: MK. 4 a while back. She did not end up winning, but I enjoyed the character so much that I've decided to present her here, separate of the contest.
Anyway, she's fairly straightforward - let me know what you think:
Aloise Hartley
Appearance
Spoiler
Aloise is currently a twenty three year old woman with short blond hair and bright blue eyes. She wears clothing appropriate for travel, and keep a well-stocked pack on her at all times with a variety of emergency equipment or anything else she might need. Because of her spatial powers, her pack is, in fact, bigger on the inside. She is a small woman, but she often has more energy than she know what to do with, and is rarely solemn or dour.
She is swift to anger at the first signs of willful ignorance, but always takes an opportunity to teach. She loves meeting new people and seeing new things, and almost never turns down an opportunity to try something different. She is a bit naiive, but is intelligent enough to know when she is being manipulated or swindled.
She likes chocolate.
Background
Spoiler
Aloise has always been a clever and curious girl - It is unfortunate she was born into a xenophobic human culture that cut themselves off from the rest of the world. Having erected giant walls around their settlements for reasons long since forgotten, Aloise grew up on stories of the terrors of the outside, and how everything out there would flay you in an instant. Or perhaps crush you. Or eat you. She was young, and the stories were frightening, so she never tried to leave the settlement walls.
Until one day, when Aloise was twelve and her mother had taken her through the winding streets of the market, she stopped to look into a shop window at a beautiful doll. When she turned to find her mother, she was nowhere to be found. She wandered for three hours, looking for her mother, nearly in tears, when she came upon the wall. Fifty feet tall, made of pure alabaster stone. She suddenly very much wanted to be home, and she closed her eyes and wished for it very hard.
When she opened her eyes again, she did not know where she was. It was with a shock that she realized she was on the other side of the wall, staring at that blank white stone from...
... The outside.
Aloise shrieked. This was immediately followed by a commotion behind her. Several creatures poked their heads from the dense brush fifty feet away, shouting something at her. She ran to the wall, and pounded on it, begging to save her as the creatures rushed forward. But the wall did not respond, and one of the creatures grabbed her, lifted her up and-
"It's alright, little one. I have you, and you are safe."
Aloise was unsure what was happening, but the creature cradled her gently, and through the tears she could not see where they were going.
She was taken to a little town, in the middle of the forest. She had never seen a forest before. She had only heard that the trees were dark and gnarled. But these trees look soft and healthy. She was confused, but the green grass was soft and inviting, and there was a warm breeze where she had been told there would only be deathly chill.
When they approached the town, the creatures, of which there were six, let her sit down on the soft grass, and removed their masks.
They were humans.
She learned that the people - her people - inside the walls had grown afraid, long ago. That they had put up the walls, and shut out the outside world, because they did not like the change. The their people - and the called themselves the Enlightened - had watched with sadness as all progress was halted within the settlements. But they hadn't the ability nor the willpower to tear down the walls, and so, had simply gone on living. They had created vibrant, lush cities within the forests, and invented amazing things.
The next few months of Aloise's life were filled with wonder at every new discovery. She learned at the feet of scholars and shamans, and discovered that she found herself outside of the walls of her settlement because of latent magics she could not control. Through tutelage and practice, she was able to get a basic grasp of the teleportation magic that had revealed this new world to her. She made dozens of new friends, and became part of the ever-growing family that the Enlightened cultivated in their community.
But every so often, she would look at the wall, and remember that her parents were stuck inside.
She often insisted that the people inside should be told. The Enlightened told her that they would not listen. They would not believe. Over time, she became more and more irritated with the complacency of the Enlightened, until she decided that she would bring the message to her people herself. She returned to the wall, and teleported to the other side.
Her people reacted violently. She was arrested and accused of heresy. Her father and mother did not even visit her in her cell, and she was brought forth for execution only hours after her arrival in the settlement.
Through her tears, as she was brought forward and tied to a stake, she finally saw her parents. As the smoke billowed and the flames rose, she saw their faces. She saw their fear. And as the first flames began to lick her feet, she shrieked her despair into the sky, and found herslef suddenly free.
Her first instinct told her she must have used magic again; but no, they had set up wards preventing her from escaping.
She looked up at a bright, violet sky that was not her own, and despite her brush with death, could not help but stare at it in wonder.
Her schooling with the Enlightened had spoken of this - that there were people who could visit worlds beyond their own. That these worlds were numberless and full of new and exciting things, as well as dangerous. They had called them "Planeswalkers", and one such being had founded the teachings of the Enlightend, all that time ago.
Aloise returned to her home plane, and told the Enlightened what had happened. They were saddened, but relieved she was safe. When she informed them of her newfound ability, they were ecstatic, and encouraged her to visit many places, and return to them with tales from beyond their world.
Aloise is older now, and the walls of her people still stand, guarding them from change. She cannot break down the walls around the settlements, but she hopes that some day, she will be able to break down the walls around their hearts. She travels, using wind, water, and teleportation magic to protect her, and returns constantly to the forest to report what she finds. Always she returns with stories of world-spanning cities, of a plane shattered into five and become whole again, of a place of eternal sunlight.
Aloise wishes to discover all the multiverse has; to meet new people and make new friends across every plane. She understands the impossibility of it, but her thirst for the wondrously new presses her ever onward, with a smile and the memory of what refusing to learn can do to you.
Aloise, the Explorer (Card)
Spoiler
Aloise, the Explorer - WGUU
Planeswalker - Aloise
+1: Search your library for a Plain, Island, or Forest card, and put it onto the battlefield tapped. Shuffle your library. +1: Draw a card for every land that entered the battlefield under your control this turn. -3: Exile Target Creature. It's controller searches his or her library for a land card, and puts it into play tapped, then shuffles his or her library. -X: Search your library for a non-land permanent with converted mana cast X or less and put it onto the battlefield. Shuffle your library.
2 Starting Loyatly
Short Story - Stars and Smoke
Spoiler
Aloise kicked her feet idly, gazing up at the night sky. It was cool and clear, and the stars glittered far off in the distance. Even as a planeswalker, the stars felt beyond her reach. She wondered if maybe some day she would be able to go to that place - where the stars were. Some planes did not have stars, but she wondered if they connected those that did. She wondered what those far off lights really were.
A much more dim, but closer, light flickered in the fickle breeze.
Aloise glance at the little flame, noting that nothing had changed, and looked back at the sky. Still, being reminded of the little fire had distracted her, so she sat up on the flat stone upon which she had been reclining and sighed. Still nothing. She had suspected that she was being lied to, but that did little to temper her inquisitive spirit.
The source of the fire lay on a small rock not far from the much larger rock she was sitting on. It was a tiny, round coin with a hole in the center. When the hole came into contact with fire, she had found, it maintained a small, heatless flame, seemingly indefinitely. As far as she had seen, the little fire that was not really fire was harmless. It could not set fire to anything. She had even carried the lit coin in her pocket for a day, just to try it out.
Still, she came out here to this meadow every night because she had been told that was how to make it work. She had been swindled before - although she was not sure if she could call it “being swindled” if she had been given the little trinket freely. If she counted her time as a valuable resource, than she had probably been cheated out of that. But she always found efficient and meaningful ways to spend it. At least, meaningful to her. She supposed seeing how many different colors of wings a single species of moth had would be considered a waste of time to some people.
She picked at her leggings, then adjusted her blouse, and sighed. Looks like tonight was a bust. It had been about a week, which was about as long as she was willing to run her experiment. If even a fraction of what Bjorn had said was true, it would be quite the useful font of information if she could get it to work. But the instructions had been vague at best, and she had to grudgingly admit that Bjorn had probably gotten a good laugh out of the yarn he had spun.
She sighed deeply, again. She liked to trust people, but sometimes it was pretty tough.
“Quite the night for heavy thoughts.” Someone’s voice floated into the meadow. She yelped and nearly fell off the stone, looking around. Standing on the other side of flickering coin was a shadow of a man. She could make out boots and a coat, but that was it. The little light did more to hide him than reveal him. Still, Aloise stared, excitement growing. So it had been true!
“Oh, wow!” She stood up, and walked towards the figure, but he held up a hand.
“Easy, doll. Let’s keep our distance, yea?” She stopped in her tracks at his request, but bobbed slightly, grinning. The man seemed to hesitate for a moment, then continued to speak. “Name’s Fisco Vane-”
“I’m Aloise!” She blurted out sharply, then cleared her throat. “Aloise Hartley. It’s nice to meet you, Fisco! Or, uh. Mr. Vane, if you prefer?”
The shadow was silent for a very long time, but Aloise figured he could take all the time he needed.
“...Fisco is fine.” He said. “So… Aloise… What can I do for you?” She grinned, and raised her hand.
“Oh, so much! But first, may I give us a little light? I want to get a good look at you.” She wiggled her fingers to indicate the light would be of a magical nature, and Fisco seemed to understand. He grunted in what she assumed was assent, and she might have seen him nod? She cast the light spell, which threw a small white orb into the air above her head.
Hm. She had not expected him to be so short. Or look so grumpy.
He looked just like an older man. His hair was perfectly slicked back, and oiled just enough to seem cared for but not slimy. His nose was straight, but a little flat, and his cheekbones were wide, but deep. The shadows caught on the crevasses of his face and clung, accentuating his already sharp features. They filled in the spaces between his wrinkles, which perforated his face around the eyes and mouth, indicating they were from worry rather than age. He looked intelligent, well-traveled, and most of all, non-plussed.
She was not sure what she was expecting a knowledge spirit to look like, but she had experience with her expectations being defied before.
Fisco raised an eyebrow.
“...You’re a little younger than most of my clientele.” He muttered. Aloise shrugged happily.
“That’s a word you don’t hear a lot around here.” Aloise told him. “Clientele. You really must be what they say you are.” Fisco’s eyes flashed, and he reached into his jacket. Aloise watched his hand with interest, and nearly yelped once more when he produced a cigar. And not just any cigar - that was a Jakkardian Smokey! The ones that were left on the plane were jealously guarded, she had been told there were only three left. How had he gotten one? Was he…?
Fisco stooped and lifted the coin, then held the small flame to the cigar. It lit almost instantly.
“How did you do that?” She almost took a step closer to look at the cigar, but remembered his warning and stayed in her place. Fisco’s hand stopped halfway to his mouth, and he regarded her with a furrowed brow.
“My coin, my rules, doll.” He puffed on the priceless cigar nonchalantly, and tucked the still flaming coin into his pocket. “I know you’ve been messing with it.” He mentioned, giving her a point look.
“Sorry!” She put up her hands, then clasped them together. “It was just such an interesting little enchantment, I couldn’t figure out how it worked. Really, the spellwork may be small, but it was excellent.” Smoke trickled from the corners of Fisco’s half-opened mouth slowly.
“...Thanks.” The smoke trailed behind him harmlessly, and she was glad for that. She had learned plenty about cigars, but she still did not like the smoke. “So, like I said, what can I do for you?”
“I just have a few questions-” She patted her leather vest, searching for the pocket that contained her list.
“No questions.” Fisco stated. Aloise froze.
“Um. Why not?” She still pulled the list out of her pocket, but stared at Fisco for askance.
“I don’t do questions, doll. I do solutions.”
“But I was told-” She began, but suddenly the shadows around Fisco deepened, and it seemed as though the faint, glowing of the cigar was the only thing that lit the area around him.
“Yes, let’s start there. What were you told?” Fisco’s voice was gravelly and menacing. Aloise opened her mouth, then closed it again. This certainly seemed ominous, but was it just for show? She took a deep breath. It was as Lys had always taught her. Feel the fear but don’t be controlled by it. She felt like she was in danger, but was she really?
“I was told you would answer my questions, but I only got a few.” She lifted her parchment to show the enshadowed Fisco. “So I wrote them down.” The shadow died down, and he appeared to be a small, old man once more. Fisco held out his hand for the paper, and she gave it to him. He flipped it open quickly and skimmed it.
“...These questions have nothing to do with me.” He handed the paper back to her, then sighed as he removed the cigar from his mouth. He chucked it on the ground and stamped it out, shaking his head.
“...Is something wrong?” She asked. He seemed agitated. He glanced up at her and rolled her eyes.
“Yes.” He spat. “You’ve been set up. I don’t know what you think I am, but I’m not whatever it is. You were lied to.”
“So… What are you?”At that question, Fisco paused. He watched Aloise for a long time, though he did not seem puzzled or angry. He simply… looked at her.
“Did you really come out, alone, to this field every night, lighting a mysterious coin, to summon something that would answer a few questions for you?” She had to admit, that sounded a little foolish. But she had done stranger things.
“Yes.” She replied honestly. “And you asked how you could help me, so I sort of assumed that you… could.”
Fisco’s mouth thinned into a small line, but then his face relaxed, and he shrugged.
“You got me there.” He admitted. “But I don’t do anything for free. I know the answer to a few of those questions, but you’ll have to pay me up front.”
“With what?” She asked, slightly wary. Fisco gazed at her flatly.
“Gold?” He offered, along with his palm.
“Why does a spirit need money?” This was a problem; she did not have any of her money on her. What little she did have was back at the inn she was staying at.
“I’m not a spirit!” Fisco snapped. “I’m a man who likes gold. Now pay up, or ship out.” A man, huh? Well. At least his guise was not some sort of clever illusion. That was… disappointing.
“Um… Do you think we could barter? Maybe, trade? Answer for an answer?” Then, Fisco gave her this sort of look. She could not really place it. It was almost like he was dumbfounded, but without the “dumb”. Like he could not believe what she was saying, and yet, here she was, saying it. But it was less a crisis of belief and more like he was… affronted, maybe? Offended, almost? A sort of “How is she actually talking to me like this” look. Yes, that summed it up nicely - now she just needed a word to go along with it. She would read up on it later.
“...Alright, that seems fair.” He stuck his hand out, and she realized quickly that she was supposed to shake it, so she did. Fisco seemed satisfied with that. “Who gave you my coin?” He asked immediately.
“ A man named Bjorn, he was visiting the inn that I am staying at.” Fisco’s face remained unchanged at the revelation. “Where’d you get a Jakkardian Smokey? I didn’t know they even had cigars on this plane.” At her question, his eyebrows shot up.
“...Good eye.” He muttered, and narrowed his eyes, sizing her up. “I had it made, but the brand is out of production so I kept a couple crates for myself.” He sniffed. “Why did Bjorn give you my coin?” He seemed pretty bent on the coin, but what he had just said astounded her. Had it made? How had he even gotten hold of it? Was there really some sort of interplanar cigar smuggling cartel?
“I was asking him some questions, and he offered me the coin as a way to contact a spirit of knowledge for the answers. But that it would only answer a few of my questions.” Which had proved disappointingly untrue, but it seemed to have the desired result. So, success! Maybe. She still had not gotten to her original questions, but Fisco just seemed so much more fascinating… He seemed to be pondering what she had just told him, so she decided to ask her next question. “How did you get here?” She asked. Fisco smirked.
“I walked.” He said. Aloise almost shouted, but managed to control her excitement. He could not be… Just one more question. “Where is Bjorn now?” He asked.
“He headed into the mountains to hunt for pelts.” She responded quickly. She was positive that was his next question, and was glad to be right. “Are you a planeswalker?” She asked hurriedly, grinning.
Fisco’s eyes hardened, the lines around them tightened, and his frown deepened.
“...That. Is the wrong sort of question, Aloise Hartley.” He murmured lowly, and Aloise suddenly had the intense feeling that something was wrong. Something was very wrong about this whole thing. Her eagerness had gotten in the way of her really seeing it, but Fisco Vane - this man - was something dangerous. Something… not to be trifled with. She was uncertain if she could escape him if things went south…
And yet…
He was just a man, he had said. A man who likes gold.
His eyes were black as jet in the night, and his look brooked no argument nor gave any mercy.
Aloise remembered suddenly a story Lys had told her, many years ago.
“I’m a planeswalker.” Aloise said. Fisco’s gazed remained unchanged, but he stepped away and raised his hand. She held up both hers. “I thought you might be too, when I saw the cigar.” She told him. He was silent. “I was hoping we could be friends.” Fisco lowered his hand, then shook himself.
“...You’re stupid, doll.” He said, and turned away. “Perky, I guess. But stupid. If you’re going to be wandering the eternities, perk down and ditch the stupid. It’ll get you killed.” He started to walk away.
“Hey, wait-” A wall of smoke flared up in front of her as she tried to follow him, and she threw her hands in front of her face. She fell backwards, coughing, and when her vision cleared, she saw Fisco standing over her, framed a dark void framed by the stars.
“This is what I mean. I could kill you, Aloise. No doubt Bjorn suspected I would. He made the mistake of thinking he understood what I’m about.” He paused as she tried to stand up, and whipped out his hand. She froze. “He doesn’t get to learn from his mistake.” Fisco lowered his hand. “You do.” And he turned to walk away once more. Aloise opted not to follow him, this time.
“Goodbye, Fisco Vane!” She called after him, watching him vanish into the brush and the night. He, unsurprisingly, did not respond. She lay back in the grass where she had fallen. Her heart was pounding in her chest, and she grinned to herself. She had met another planeswalker for the first time! And he was so different from her - just like regular people! How many more were there! And what did they know? What did Fisco know? He had probably seen so much - frankly, she was jealous.
Wait, had he called her stupid?
She shot up and stared after where Fisco had walked off to.
“I’m not stupid!” She shouted at the night, then huffed angrily. What a lousy man!
Aloise stood, after calming down, and left the meadow yawning. Today had been fun, and she needed some sleep. It was back to the inn for her. She may not have learned what she had wanted to, but she had learned something nonetheless, and that was good enough.
***
A day later, Fisco was staring into a small Fire, late at night, thinking. Bjorn’s carcass had ceased kicking a few minutes ago. Now it hung from the tree like a well-behaved corpse should. He had plucked out his eyes afterward, and thrown them in the fire. They boiled angrily as he watched, uninterested. He poked at the fire with a long stick, not thinking about how he had hung Bjorn from the tree. Not thinking about how the eyelessness fed a local superstition of blind shadow creatures preying on hunters for their sight. Not thinking about making sure he was paid the dues Bjorn owed him or how he had tried to dodge the Shark.
He was thinking about how he had never answered that last, stupid question.
***
Aloise went down for breakfast a few days later, washed up and ready to explore a little more before returning home. She sat down at a small table, and the innkeeper, a young man named Bertholdt, informed her that a package had come for her last night. He placed the small parcel on the table and, though curious, she thanked Bertholdt and waited from him to leave before opening it. It was wrapped in simple brown paper and twine, and simple read For Aloise.
She unwrapped it. A small, wooden boxed. She opened that. A folded piece of paper.
And beneath it, the small coin with the hole in the center. Aloise grinned, and unfolded the paper.
Yes.
Was all it read, until she flipped it over.
In case you need any more questions answered. Gold next time, I don’t barter.
Aloise folded the note, humming to herself, and tucked it into her vest. The coin went into her pocket. She remembered again the story Lys, that old, wise, sage, had told her all those years ago. The story about the flint eyed monster scared people away from his bridge. About how the monster just wanted someone to talk to. About how the monster just wanted a friend.
She left the box on the table, and checked out of the inn. She needed to return home and tell Lys what she had learned.
EDIT: Oh, also tangentially related - Raven, should we be putting those stories up for vote? If so, should they be voted on separately or as a whole - and if THAT is the case, do you want to wait until the story ACTUALLY closes, or...? I suppose you can send me a PM about this.
EDITEDIT: Added the story. Phew. I got super emotional over the revelation that the next Homestuck Update will be the last (and the largest) so I decided to channel those feelings into writing this. Not sure how well it turned out, so let me know!
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Don't you have anything better to do?
Last edited by RuwinReborn on Fri Oct 18, 2013 3:40 am, edited 3 times in total.
Actually, with characters, you don't vote for the character until you have a story for them, unless there is some extenuating circumstances. So, you should hold off on voting for her until your story is put together.
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At twilight's end, the shadow's crossed / a new world birthed, the elder lost. Yet on the morn we wake to find / that mem'ry left so far behind. To deafened ears we ask, unseen / "Which is life and which the dream?"
Actually, with characters, you don't vote for the character until you have a story for them, unless there is some extenuating circumstances. So, you should hold off on voting for her until your story is put together.
...See, that makes sense.
Righto, just ignore this then - I'll put the character and the story up to vote once I'm finished with it. Thanks!
EDIT: Oh, also tangentially related - Raven, should we be putting those stories up for vote? If so, should they be voted on separately or as a whole - and if THAT is the case, do you want to wait until the story ACTUALLY closes, or...? I suppose you can send me a PM about this.
I have no problem talking about it here. I see no reason not to start getting them up for vote. I'm inclined to think we should wait a week until the currently up-for-vote stuff is finalized, but I have no real reason for that beyond the fact that three of the four voting items are mine. Of course, with the rules we're going with, I don't think the voting technically starts till next Monday anyway, so it likely doesn't matter. As for waiting until the story arc closes, that's going to be a long wait. It'll be a little while before I can even start on the next part, and it's going to take some time to write. So I would say there's no need to wait for that.
Joined: Sep 22, 2013 Posts: 5700 Location: Inside my own head
Identity: Human
RuwinReborn wrote:
Added story to the original post. Let me know what you think!
That's a short story?! But in all seriousness, I'm eager to dig into this; but I'm currently trying to keep my and our (meaning the M:EM) focus on completing the Innistrad Anthology in time for Halloween, so I'm not going to dive in right away.
Sooo, with the story added on, does that mean this is officially "ready to vote?" It would start on Monday, if it is.
RuwinReborn wrote:
EDITEDIT: Added the story. Phew. I got super emotional over the revelation that the next Homestuck Update will be the last (and the largest) so I decided to channel those feelings into writing this. Not sure how well it turned out, so let me know!
Nice little story there, although now I wish I knew more about this, what was it, Fisco? He seems interesting.
In all seriousness, I like her naivety, and it plays well against Fisco's all-business approach. Her perky, upbeat attitude also serves as a nice foil for Fisco's often heavy character.
My one concern here is that we really don't get a ton of her character in this piece. This seems almost more like a story about Fisco than one about her. That's not necessarily a bad thing, since not every character can or should be a MAIN character, just something I noticed.
Ehehe, reading through it again, I found some of my signature grammar mistakes. Classic Ruwin. (T_T)
@LordLuna: Hey, you do you. No one's required to read this stuff. I just put it up in case anyone is interested, you know? You all seem to like Fisco, and I'm eager to actually move forward and maybe complete his character arc. That's what this is setting the groundwork for - Fisco Vane has appeared in a lot of stories in his short time as part of the M:EM, but I want him to actually progress as a character. (Which is difficult since part of his progression as a character is the fact that he does not progress. ??? So confused. I'll figure it out. These things usually fall into place for me anyway, and I'm just all like "YEA I MEANT TO DO THAT TOTALLY.")
@Raven: See, I was concerned about that. Aloise is going to be a big part of Fisco's story - maybe not from now on, but she's important. I'll let you speculate as to how she's important, but I'll just say now that it's definitely not as a love interest. We've been down that road before and I don't need to be re-hashing old conflicts. (Besides, then I'd feel creepy. I mean, she is 23, but writing for her she seems more like... 16 or something. Bllblbrbrlllugh. Heebly Jeebies.) Anyway, it's important that I set the stage with her introduction as a tie-in to Fisco, so that the readers know what story arc she is a part of, but I want her to be her own entity, because in order for people to understand what comes next, I need them to understand Aloise.
THAT ALL BEING SAID. What about the piece, in particular, drew away from Aloise and towards Fisco? I wanted to make it clear that she was very observant - of everything but herself. She rarely realizes what she is doing, but takes the time to examine Fisco's features in detail. She's honest, empathetic, and very, very naive, which I believe I showed well. Mostly carefree and wants to believe everyone else is intrinsically good. I guess I want to know how to shore up her personality of "Meet new people, learn new things!!!" so any advice would be appreciated.
@Keeper: Well, I slammed this out in like a two hour session of mixed emotion last night. I always do my strongest writing when I'm feeling nostalgic or touched by something. I guess they call that inspiration? I got really down when I heard that the last update was coming - probably before the year's over. Man - I never really understood how much that hyper-comic means to me, but looking back, I've been reading it for a year now and so many of these characters I just feel so strongly for. Really, this is my first experience with actively empathizing with a fictional group of people, so I'm not really surprised that I was all mixed up with excitement and sadness over the gigapause.
Uhh, ok I'm gonna step out of the Horn pile and end the feelings jam, I think. What I meant to get at was, I type really fast and with almost no thought when I feel strongly about something. Makes my mind work more quickly. (Which is unfortunate, because my brain already outruns my mouth, so when I'm upset or really excited my stutter gets worse O_o hence why writing is my preferred medium I suppose.)
OK STOP TYPING RUWIN TIME TO GO TO THAT JOB INTERVIEW.
@Raven: See, I was concerned about that. Aloise is going to be a big part of Fisco's story - maybe not from now on, but she's important. I'll let you speculate as to how she's important, but I'll just say now that it's definitely not as a love interest. We've been down that road before and I don't need to be re-hashing old conflicts. (Besides, then I'd feel creepy. I mean, she is 23, but writing for her she seems more like... 16 or something. Bllblbrbrlllugh. Heebly Jeebies.) Anyway, it's important that I set the stage with her introduction as a tie-in to Fisco, so that the readers know what story arc she is a part of, but I want her to be her own entity, because in order for people to understand what comes next, I need them to understand Aloise.
THAT ALL BEING SAID. What about the piece, in particular, drew away from Aloise and towards Fisco? I wanted to make it clear that she was very observant - of everything but herself. She rarely realizes what she is doing, but takes the time to examine Fisco's features in detail. She's honest, empathetic, and very, very naive, which I believe I showed well. Mostly carefree and wants to believe everyone else is intrinsically good. I guess I want to know how to shore up her personality of "Meet new people, learn new things!!!" so any advice would be appreciated.
Spoiler
Hmm. Honestly, now that you ask me for a clarification, I'm not sure I can give you one. Maybe it's just the pre-existing strength of Fisco's character, or how familiar I am with him as a character. Rereading this, I do think you do a nice job of showing her personality. I guess for me it's more like Fisco has more of a story here: He responds to a coin-lighting, meets someone who annoys yet somewhat intrigues him, finds out Bjorn is ducking him, goes after him, "fixes" things, and then wraps things up with the one he met. Aloise's story is: she has some random questions, summons Vane (without knowing who he is,) asks him questions that aren't even on her list, is made to look a little stupid (but is mostly alright with that,) then gets a slightly better response and is more alright with it.
So, it's not that there's any problem there, I just think Fisco carries a lot more weight as a character, but as I said, a lot of that might be his pre-existing history. I don't know if any of that makes sense or not. But I don't think it's a problem that needs fixing, or anything.
I was a bit disappointed that it had to rely on Fisco, but for what it is it allowed some insight on Aloise. I just wish she had another story where she could shine on her own.
@Raven: Yea, Fisco's side of the story does seem more like Fisco, so it probably feels right. But that's just how Fisco is. He's dynamic. He moves the story forward by taking it with him. It follows him because he has such a strong gravity. And, like you said, you're already familiar with Fisco's antics, so I'm not really surprised his story feels more compelling inasmuch as it is actually a story.
Aloise, though, is not Fisco. (Which I'm sure is abundantly clear.) Fisco doesn't deal with defied expectations. Fisco doesn't forgive people. And Fisco kills. Aloise is practically a child, and because she is just Aloise Hartley, the wandering child, she does not have all this stigma. She's not known as "The Shark". She's not feared as the specter "Ol' Smokey" on an entire plane. Like you said, Fisco's character is heavy. Heavy with meaning, and power, and regret, and anger, and resentment, and all these things Fisco keeps way down deep inside that fuel his interactions with the Multiverse.
Aloise is a blank slate. She hasn't been burned. (Well, she almost was.) She has this excellent semi-familial support group to return home to. There is nothing making Aloise heavy. Nothing keeping her down. And I wanted to express that, even in the presence of Fisco, who usually drags everyone into the center of his gravity so that they function on his level, Aloise is above that. She's not effected by his scare tactics, or his name. Is it because she doesn't know any better? Yes, of course it is.
Aloise wants to know, but she needs to know better. Fisco already laid it out for her: "Drop the stupid, it'll get you killed." And he's definitely not coming to her rescue anytime soon. So, Aloise, who is so focused on learning, needs to really learn something. That was the real point here - and though she romanticizes the experience of meeting another 'walker for the first time, she'll begin to understand that, more than anything else, the Multiverse is a scary place.
And she'll have to decided whether or not to be afraid.
@Helios: Well, I wouldn't say it relied on Fisco. Really, any other planeswalker could have fit the bill. Fisco is here because I need to show that they met. He's here first because I needed to show how she reacts to his abrasive personality.
As for a story where she shines on her own, all in good time. Fisco didn't really take off as a character until Two Bullets - I'm not sure Aloise will get the same treatment (I think her character would benefit from a series of short stories.) but she'll get plenty of time to shine.
Hmmmm, this character's existence is making me reassess some of the things I had planned... I can't decide whether she renders a character I was working on redundant, or whether it actually makes for a great opportunity to bounce the characters off each other...
I liked the story. Raven's right in that Fisco has more of a narrative arc here, but it serves well as an introduction to Aloise. She's got a little of the Manic Pixie Dream Girl in her DNA, but in your capable hands I'm sure she'll be ok. Yeah, solid character, solid introduction. Well done
@Keeper: Thanks! It is actually sort of amusing me from a meta perspective that Fisco is the one in the story with an actual, orderly narrative, and Aloise is just sort of doing things.
I accidentally did that ON PURPOSE.
As for your character, well, Aloise isn't interested in cornering the market on peppy, adventurist girls, and neither am I!
@Raven: Oh, the interview did go well, thank you. I should get a call back on Tuesday.
@Anyone in the know: So, this would go up for official vote tomorrow, correct?
The thing is, she's NOT a peppy adventurer girl... but maybe she SHOULD be for the purpose she'll be fulfilling.
But then I realized that having her be aware of the fact that Aloise might be a better choice for [redacted] would be... well, cruel, but in a narratively interesting way.
Joined: Sep 22, 2013 Posts: 5700 Location: Inside my own head
Identity: Human
You know, call it over-exposure, call it ignorance, call it whatever you want, but whenever I see blond hair & blue eyes, I immediately think "Nazi symbolism!"
That's obviously not what you're going for here, but it's the first thing that actually comes to mind for me.
Anyway, on to business! I really enjoyed the story, though it may be because of Fisco being in it... personally, I don't see it as being more centered on Fisco so much as he's there to showcase the differences between them -- in essence, to show how lightly Aloise is taking some deathly serious stuff. Although I have to wonder how she managed to keep that outlook after being on Jakkard, which I've been led to believe is almost as bad as Zendikar on the life-threat-o-meter.
The character itself... while there's nothing wrong with her, she just doesn't really grab my attention. If it were just the character, I'd probably say NAI, but since this is kind of a dual-vote on both her and the story here attached to her, I'll say Yea.
Yea: 2 Nay: NAI:
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I want to ask this: should stories like this be posted separate from the characters in the Archives? I'm of two minds of it, myself, since medium-length stories like this could stand on their own, while Vasilias's story (in his character sheet) is really a little too short and lacking the proper reference points to exist outside of his dossier.
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RuwinReborn wrote:
Spoiler
Over time, she became more and more irritated with the complacency of the Enlightened, until she decided that she would bring the message to her people herself.
I want to ask this: should stories like this be posted separate from the characters in the Archives? I'm of two minds of it, myself, since medium-length stories like this could stand on their own, while Vasilias's story (in his character sheet) is really a little too short and lacking the proper reference points to exist outside of his dossier.
That's a pretty interesting question. You're right, that pieces like Vasilias, and Gruff, and I think even Fisco's intro story, are all better served when it's made clear that they are introductory pieces. Conversely, to me, this piece is NOT an introductory piece, but rather a story that features the character.
In general, I'm more inclined to say that stories should be separate, and maybe link stories that feature the character, though that might imply that all stories should be voted on separate and distinct from their characters. I guess for now I'll have to go with doing it on a case by case basis, leaning towards separate.
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