Title: At home in the Unknown
Author: Phantom M
Status: Public
Word Count: 717

-{Editor's notes}-
!Change log!

Merudia to Monique (Planeswalker name)
Kraforl to Valencia (Plane name)
Oryunh to Fraea (Hometown's name)



Another day spent staring into the ominous horizon, Monique reflected on the lessons and values imparted upon her from her youth.

Born on the plane of Valencia she grew up trying her best to put up with the societal norms of her hometown, , a peaceful settlement spearheaded for prosperity and stability at the cost of excessive uniformity.

Under the governance of a conservative patriarchy, the people of Fraea led their lives performing a myriad of functions for the upper-class, which in return ensures safety and justice to its population.

Fraea was secluded from other civilizations in Valencia, a plane which runs scarce on red mana, it perfected a civilization which has clear class divisions. The ruler's bloodline would act as a benevolent oligarchy, followed by advisers and bureaucrats undertaking security and manpower allocation, the rest of the populace would be nurtured into agriculturists, artists, sculptors, healers and architects.

The mundane cycle of routines and structured living system only served as fuel for Monique's questions, questions about nearly everything. Citizens of Fraea never bothered to muse on what lies beyond their grasp, to dabble in the taboos which the straight-laced culture never seek to understand.

Human nature and their prideful ways baffles Merudia.

"What makes the life of a human more valuable than that of a fish?" she mumbled, hardly a people-person.

She took the path of an agriculturist, being one of the few who can wield magic, she found her affinity heavily tied with the flora species. She would stay in the greenhouses to sit among plants, finding a strong sense of belonging with her unspeaking potted friends.

When the reaping season came, a wave of terror swept through her very core when she stood by the edge of the crop fields to witness a slaughter which reaps screams that only she could hear.

When questioning the cruelty of the harvesters, she was brushed aside for being overly imaginative, from the attitude posed by everyone else, she understood that sacrifices must be made for humans to thrive.

Humans have to consume other living beings to grow and populate, whereas plants are self-sufficient. She saw the similarity in the necessary dominion within human civilization and decided to find a way to live life without sacrificing another being as it passes off as selfishness. Her command over green mana allowed her to acquire sustenance in similar fashion as the plants she so admire.


_______________________________________________________________

She had been pondering about travelling across the seas in search for a virgin land to reside in for the rest of her life, since all she will ever need would be sunlight and taking barefoot strolls in the forest. Ultimately she seeks immortality, knowledge of all sorts, and solitude.

Shirking the life of a puppet to society, Monique set adrift a boat she found at the outskirt of Fraea. With her shackles severed, she drifted along the endless blue with an overcast approaching in the direction she was headed toward. She laid herself down and let her potted pets paddle the boat forward, a new life on an uninhabited island.

Jolted awake, she found her boat docked upon the shore of an ominous island guarded by twisted thickets. The dreaded skies watched over her as she planted her feet on the dark colored sand, with her potted companions in each arm, she commanded them to break their cages and lay roots into foreign soil.

Their rapid growth took a horrifying twist, the plants reeked death, uprooted and sprouting carnivorous mouths and vines, Monique saw the beauty of black mana for the first time, a forbidden practice back in her hometown.

Besides her access to black mana, Monique heard a voice echoing in the depths of her psyche, an ancient voice of unknown language brimming with madness and indifference to all that she had ever knew.

A surge of visions flushed through her mind, almost breaking it with pressure beyond comprehension, the island had unleashed a floodgate of surreal notions upon identifying a visitor, Monique unlocked blue mana with her affinity to the ocean.

In addition to her reclusive and quirky nature, the new found wisdom of the Ninth Depths affirmed her desire to be a solitary nihilist protecting the island she now called home. Never again would she allow civilization to taint it.

Okay, so first of all, welcome to the NGA forums and to the M:EM boards! As I said, it's nice to have people around interested in expanding on MTG lore beyond their canon.

I have read this, and I have some comments. A few notes before I begin, just because I don't know you and therefore have no idea what sort of experience you have with critiquing and being critiqued, or how much knowledge you may have about the M:EM and those of us in it.

So, just a few notes on me before I get going here, so that hopefully you can more accurately gauge how seriously you will take my comments. I'm Raven. I've been around the flavor boards for about two years, and I've been a M:EMber for about a year and a half. I am a fairly prolific writer on this boards, having contributed numerous stories, dossiers and poems to the boards and to the M:EM Archives. I'm currently working on an M:EM novel, The War of the Wheel, which is, at present, about 177,000 words long. Also, I teach English and writing at the college level. So, whether right or wrong, I feel qualified to discuss writing, be it mine or others.

When I critique work, particularly with someone I have never worked with before, I like to start with the positives. Regarding your story, "At Home in the Unknown," the thing I like best is the character. Now, I have read the dossier you put up, as well, and I will discuss that in its own time and thread, so for now, understand that I am talking about Merudia as she appears in this story. People coming to a story blind will only have that to go on, so I'll limit myself to that. Overall, I enjoy Merudia as a sort of eco-nut misanthrope who rejects social norms. Although she hits a lot of the same notes as, say, Poison Ivy from Batman, I think you've done a pretty decent job of grounding the character in MTG lore and the color-wheel system of Magic. I mostly find myself interested in whether she will prove a heroine or a villain. With her, I suspect it will largely depend on the story, and I like that she seems to be able to go either direction with that.

I also like the island Merudia winds up on. It's got a nice visual to it, and fits Merudia nicely. It is possible that it fits her TOO nicely, in that she just sailed off one day and happened to land on her own personal paradise, but I think the introduction of the black-mana there might make for an interesting hook down the line. Possibly.

Now, here's where it can get tough: the things I don't really like. Hopefully these don't come across as too negative, but it does you no good for me to overlook them. First and foremost, and something that struck me immediately in reading this, is that this really doesn't seem like a story to me. To me, this reads more like a stylized dossier meant only to give a bit of background information on Merudia and her plane Kraforl. A story needs to involve some sort of conflict, and I really don't get any sense of that in this story. I mean, sure, there's that implied conflict between Merudia's desires and those of society, but that's all background. In this story, Merudia wants to leave and find a new home, so she does. The end.

I think this is a workable story, but I would just like to see it told as a story. Similarly, rather than being told by the narrator every important facet of the plane and her hometown specifically, it typically works better to reveal that sort of thing slowly as you allow us to experience the world. Let us see Merudia move through her world, interact with it and the people within it. Now, we know Merudia would not enjoy that, but that also gives us an opportunity to see how she reacts, rather than being told. For instance, when you drop in the comment that she is "not a people-person," you would be able to simply let us see that. A phrase people like to throw around in Creative Writing is "Show, don't Tell." There are times when you should do one or the other, but I think it's a good rule of thumb to follow.

Another thing I should note (and admittedly, this is something I myself did in Planes of the Dual-Walkers) is that usually, mana isn't actually mentioned by color in-world. Like I said, I'm actually not sure I agree with that completely, and I often defend doing it, but just so you know, most people avoid it.

This is a minor note, and just personal taste, but I find your names a tad unwieldy. Merudia isn't bad. It seemed more land the name of a plane or kingdom or something while I was reading, but it's growing on me a little. Kraforl, the name of the plane is a little awkward, just because I keep mentally trying to invert the "r" and the "a", or put the "f" in the first syllable. But that's minor. I'm having the most trouble with Oryunh, just because of the combination of odd letters and their usage. The "yu" looks a little odd, and ending with "h" seems odd. Again, those are minor points, but things that I noticed.

You seem to have a pretty decent grasp of language. There were times I wondered if you were trying too hard with the vocabulary here, but overall, I think it's pretty good, from a language standpoint.

Thanks for posting! I look forward to any revisions you decide to make!

Hi Raven!

I'm fine with constructive criticism, since I aspire to be writer someday, it's always nice to receive pointers from others. Here's a paradox, I love to write but I've hardly picked up a novel in my life.

So! I'm Glad to have an English teacher's guidance! :-)

I agree with the story's lack of dialogues and events, I've skimmed through some of the works here and saw what's missing in mine.

About the story, yeah, I agree with how she got it easy after an aimless drift. Perhaps a revamp to the island should be in order!

My idea of the island is inspired by Cthulhu Mythos, ancient beings beyond good and evil, with concepts foreign to the mind of mortals. Off the top of my head I shall try to depict the place as slightly inhabited, with an barbaric settlement of bandits.

She would come to learn that with or without civilization, humans are still rotten. This brought her to eliminate the population on the island.

Her actions created a feedback loop of emotions between her and the floral commune on the island, twisting her psyche further. She would love to wage war all humans and humanoids alike but that would inflict casualty on her newfound family. So like any mother would, she set aside her homicidal ambitions and chose family over vengeance.

You got it spot on that Merudia is similar to Poison Ivy. I'm personally a plant-nut, so the process of channelling life into Merudia felt almost natural.

As for the names, I would love to rework them, I admit I wasn't taking the naming too seriously, also, I am not familiar with the way a mtg character would be named.

In conclusion I'll redo the story and change the names while keeping the concept intact.

And I'll refrain from naming the colors!


Thanks for your time!

For the record, the main advice I do give people who want to be good writers IS to read a lot. You would be shocked how much you can pick up just from reading.

Also, I absolutely encourage you to read our stuff for a number of reasons, not least of which is...we like comments.

But yeah, Welcome! (I'll get to Merudia's dossier tomorrow or Sunday, hopefully!)

I shall dive into the lore created by the community too. Thanks for the advice! Please guide me along the way :-)

As for Merudia's name, I'm thinking of a changing it to Monique, it fits her character role, Latin French for 'adviser'.

So, Monique the Dreaded Naturalist!

As for the Plane and City's name, I'll work on that.