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PostPosted: Tue Sep 30, 2014 3:19 am 
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Hello! Here's the first story I've been working on in my extended absence. I hope you all enjoy it - I probably won't be around much, still. If you need to get a hold of me, though, feel free to PM me! Anyway, I'll be watching this thread, so thanks in advance for reading it! I'll see if I can make some time to comment on if/when any comments are made.

If anyone's wondering - Yes this is pretty weird. Sorry in advance! Just sort of how things turned out, ahaha.

Word Count: 6562

Truth Made Untrue


Dossier

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PostPosted: Tue Sep 30, 2014 12:25 pm 
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Just a quick note to say that I'm looking forward to reading this the way my cat used to look forward to tripping me on the stairs. Which is to say: A whole, heaping lot. I'm planning to read it tonight, assuming I manage to keep myself upright past dinner.

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PostPosted: Tue Sep 30, 2014 10:25 pm 
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This is a really interesting one, Ruwin. I can tell that I'm going to have to re-read it at some point, just to try to puzzle things out a little bit more. But I can already tell you that I enjoyed it very much.

Obviously, it's nice to see my people and my preferred color getting rep'd, even if I myself am more of the eater-of-books type than the splitter-of-heads type. :)

I know I've mentioned this elsewhere, but I'm always impressed at how you're able to modify your sentence construction to suit your POV characters. That's a tough thing to do without it coming across as forced, but I think it's subtly done here. The story has a lot of short, simple, declarative sentences, which makes sense for Sava.

Also, you have a good first sentence. I am a sucker for good first sentences. The fact that the final sentence brings it full-circle makes me smile.

I will be interested to see where Sava goes from here. I don't feel like I know her just yet. (Which, to be clear, isn't a criticism.) Even though she is the central character in the story, this is really her father's story as much as it is hers, and it leaves me curious as to what she would be like when we're not seeing her beneath the shadow of her father's past. I can envision her going several different ways, and it's an interesting question to ponder.

I appreciated that all three of the spirit animals felt distinct. And I am deeply jealous that I never though of "hard to chew" as a euphemism for "difficult to kill." That little bit with the wolf is wonderful. It reveals a lot without ever saying it directly.

And the moment with the blood at the end is suitably chilling. As someone who gets uneasy at the sight of blood, that description packed a lot of punch for me. It's a pretty horrific idea, and I think you made that impact felt.

One little super ticky-tacky thing which I noticed. At the beginning, you describe the people in Sava's father's tent as eating succulent dried fruits. Since "succulent" specifically connotes juicy in addition to tasty, seeing a dried fruit described as "succulent" just threw me a little bit.

Thanks so much for posting this one!

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PostPosted: Wed Oct 01, 2014 12:16 am 
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One little super ticky-tacky thing which I noticed. At the beginning, you describe the people in Sava's father's tent as eating succulent dried fruits. Since "succulent" specifically connotes juicy in addition to tasty, seeing a dried fruit described as "succulent" just threw me a little bit.

In fairness, it could be a cactus fruit.

Image
Image

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PostPosted: Wed Oct 01, 2014 3:15 pm 
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Thanks for reading, OL - glad you liked it.

I do write a lot of stories with active observers as the main characters, don't I? Hm...

Not sure why I got hung up on the word "succulent"... I just remember thinking about that word whenever I eat raisins. ...This is not a strong argument.

Oh man, I cannot seem to get my head into responding to this properly, but yeah! Thanks for reading, yo. I've got plans for her. PLANS!

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PostPosted: Thu Oct 02, 2014 8:52 am 
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I've got plans for her. PLANS!

Excitement levels rising! :)

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PostPosted: Thu Oct 02, 2014 4:17 pm 
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Good story, Ruwin. I'm always fond of a good, trippy dream/delusion/vision sequence, and this one was very good! Sava is a pretty interesting character, and I look forward to seeing some of her interactions. Morgezka Shanak really comes to mind, here...

RuwinReborn wrote:
The Raven was crafty, and could twist words into pointless meaning and confound even the most steadfast of minds. She would say little, and attempt to glean what she could from whatever riddles it spouted.

I can only assume this was a direct homage to me, because I'm a narcissist like that. It made me smile!

Anyway, you did a great job with creating a really fascinating world that felt very complete. Between the cultural cues of the War-Band and the mythic figures of the totem spirits, this whole thing felt complete and evocative. Well done.

Thanks for posting!


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PostPosted: Thu Oct 02, 2014 4:27 pm 
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Oh, I love the tragedy of the father. His desperation to have a family which can understand him slowly turning into a tedious habit, and how his emotions just slowly faded away as he realized that he could never truly get what he wanted. And then he kept doing it, because living for a flawed purpose is better than having no purpose at all. Man, this makes me sorta emotional.

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PostPosted: Thu Oct 02, 2014 7:53 pm 
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Man I was super nervous about this one for some reason. Looks like I shouldn't have been. I'll have to examine that later...

@Raven: Ahaha, yeah, I can't say I had you in mind when I made the Raven the totem animal, but I definitely laughed to myself about it as I wrote that part. Thanks for reading!

@Aaarrrgh: Thanks for reading, yo. Kurda was misguided, and possbily deceived, but he certainly cared about his children - enough to give all of them a shot at immortality, at the price of removing them from a "flawed" existence early should the fail to succeed. It's sort of indicative of the kinds of decisions fathers make for their children. Decisions that they don't realize the children should be making for themselves.

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PostPosted: Fri Oct 03, 2014 1:20 pm 
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Man I was super nervous about this one for some reason. Looks like I shouldn't have been. I'll have to examine that later...

Ruwin, I feel that way about Every. Single. Story.

So if you only get it for some pieces, then you're miles ahead of me. :)

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PostPosted: Fri Oct 03, 2014 2:30 pm 
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Man I was super nervous about this one for some reason. Looks like I shouldn't have been. I'll have to examine that later...

Ruwin, I feel that way about Every. Single. Story.

So if you only get it for some pieces, then you're miles ahead of me. :)

I think most people feel that way (I mean, not me, because of my extreme and obvious awesomeness, but you know, most people.) I mean, we all put a lot of ourselves into these stories, and it's difficult to put all of that out there for others to criticize, I would imagine. And there's always that irrational fear that people are basing their entire judgment of you as a person based solely on this one, lone piece, ignoring anything that came before and discounting anything that might come afterward, uh, or so you all might well think... We all define ourselves, at least somewhat, as "writers," the extension of which is the concern that one bad example of writing means we're bad at what we do (I assume. I don't know, owing to the aforementioned awesomeness...)

:paranoid:


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PostPosted: Fri Oct 03, 2014 3:41 pm 
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I think most people feel that way (I mean, not me, because of my extreme and obvious awesomeness, but you know, most people.) I mean, we all put a lot of ourselves into these stories, and it's difficult to put all of that out there for others to criticize, I would imagine. And there's always that irrational fear that people are basing their entire judgment of you as a person based solely on this one, lone piece, ignoring anything that came before and discounting anything that might come afterward, uh, or so you all might well think... We all define ourselves, at least somewhat, as "writers," the extension of which is the concern that one bad example of writing means we're bad at what we do (I assume. I don't know, owing to the aforementioned awesomeness...)

:paranoid:

It's funny, but my anxiety usually has a very specific form to it. My obsessive fear of choice usually takes the form of: "I'm afraid this thing I just wrote isn't nearly as good as [insert name of some other thing I wrote]. What if people feel the same way? And what if, by extension, that makes them retroactively like the characters less?"

I think I get that particularly bad because I've basically been writing with a very small roster of repertory players, all of whom I have a tremendous amount of affection for. So I feel like I'm putting them on the line every time I start a new story, and I'm always terrified that I won't do them justice.

It's a nice problem to have, in the sense that it stems from getting to work with characters that I really enjoy. But it makes me bite my nails way more than I'd like, too.

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PostPosted: Thu Oct 16, 2014 7:16 pm 
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Typos

Dossier typos


So, first of all, I have to say that it seems like everything you write reminds me that you're a homestuck. First it's the multiple references in the mini-fic anthology, and now within 10 minutes I'm thinking I'm reading about a troll.

Second of all, I have to say how expertly the father's backstory was handled. There were some small warning bells going off in my head when he first appeared next to Sava, of course, but you have the audience question what they're presented at the same time as Sava herself does so, and you reveal things at a perfect pace to explain it all. Hell, I was ready to accept the oldwalker concept searching for a family as soon as she met the Devourer (is that the right title? I'm referring to the wolf, of course); I think it's an absolutely brilliant concept that I'm surprised nobody else has explored.

As has been noted, this is more the father's story than Sava's, even though it's her ascendency. Still, I think you did a marvelous job introducing and "killing" such an interesting character in one short story. I'm also quite interested in seeing Sava's visions of her father's past in the future. Uh. That is... I'm intrigued by the possibility of stories set in Sava's future from the point of view of this story, to explore her headspace and the visions of her father's past that may come up.

A small side-note: My immediate thought about succulent dried fruits was apricots. Good apricots are quite succulent. Unless succulent means liquid-pouring-out-the-edges-of-your-mouth juiciness. In that case, then maybe they're not that succulent.

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PostPosted: Thu Oct 16, 2014 7:31 pm 
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Hell, I was ready to accept the oldwalker concept searching for a family as soon as she met the Devourer (is that the right title? I'm referring to the wolf, of course); I think it's an absolutely brilliant concept that I'm surprised nobody else has explored.
For the record, I believe the reason for this is because of Taysir's little pseudo family that developed with Kristina and Daria.
Just a theory there, but it seems possible.

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Yet on the morn we wake to find / that mem'ry left so far behind.
To deafened ears we ask, unseen / "Which is life and which the dream?"


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PostPosted: Fri Oct 17, 2014 12:14 am 
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Barinellos wrote:
Hell, I was ready to accept the oldwalker concept searching for a family as soon as she met the Devourer (is that the right title? I'm referring to the wolf, of course); I think it's an absolutely brilliant concept that I'm surprised nobody else has explored.
For the record, I believe the reason for this is because of Taysir's little pseudo family that developed with Kristina and Daria.
Just a theory there, but it seems possible.

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PostPosted: Fri Oct 17, 2014 1:00 am 
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Barinellos wrote:
Hell, I was ready to accept the oldwalker concept searching for a family as soon as she met the Devourer (is that the right title? I'm referring to the wolf, of course); I think it's an absolutely brilliant concept that I'm surprised nobody else has explored.
For the record, I believe the reason for this is because of Taysir's little pseudo family that developed with Kristina and Daria.
Just a theory there, but it seems possible.

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History!

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At twilight's end, the shadow's crossed / a new world birthed, the elder lost.
Yet on the morn we wake to find / that mem'ry left so far behind.
To deafened ears we ask, unseen / "Which is life and which the dream?"


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