Dear Person Who is About to Hire [Coworker],
-or-
Dear Moron,

(Choose whichever one applies to you.)

[Coworker] is a certified bad***. I am more sure about this than I have ever been about anything else in my life.

In fact, I don’t think it would be overstating things to say that [Coworker] is the greatest hero of the 21st Century.

Now, I know what you’re thinking to yourself. You’re thinking: “Slow down, there, [Manager]! How can you possibly know that? We’re only, like, 14 years into the 21st Century. Isn’t it a little premature to be awarding that title now? Are you doing so because you are drunk?”

Well, first off, no – I am not drunk, and I resent you implying otherwise. It has been a solid fifty-three minutes since my last tequila shot. And, at my weight and rate of metabolism, that means I am currently 88.33 percent sober, thank you very much.

Second off, your counterargument is dumb. [Coworker] is so far ahead of everyone else at this point that I can’t possibly see anyone else overtaking her for the title in the next 86 years. I mean, sure, maybe someone will broker peace between the Israelis and the Palestinians between now and 2100, or invent a bacon-flavored gum that actually whitens your teeth as you chew. Maybe. But we don’t know that, do we? And, for all we know, that person might be [Coworker], at which point she’d really just be rubbing her awesomeness in the faces of everyone else who isn’t as awesome as she is.

Which would be everyone.

Anyway, let’s talk about some of the ways in which [Coworker] is awesome. Sure, I could bore you with a bunch of business mumbo-jumbo about how she’s a great employee and adds value to the product and has inspired me to transcend to a higher level of self-actualization and all that, but I feel like that stuff goes without saying. You can tell all that just by looking at her, or even just by squinting your eyes really tight and trying to imagine her name inside your head. (If you have a hard time imagining a concept as abstract as a name, then I recommend imagining the concept in question on the label of a tequila bottle. That always works for me.)

So let me tell you some things you don’t know about [Coworker]. [Coworker] has never once attacked me physically or attempted to stuff me into the trunk of her car, despite the fact that I am constantly provoking her by not watching Archer so that I can continue to not laugh at her super-funny references. Also, [Coworker] has a gimpy dog who weighs something like a zillion pounds. When she told me about him, I immediately retrieved the pump-action shotgun which I always keep loaded and under my desk, and I suggested that we go “all Old Yeller” on his gimpy butt, or possibly just hunt him for sport – whichever seemed like more fun at the time. Instead, [Coworker] devoted herself to nursing the pooch back to health, and maybe also creating bionic legs for him, or something like that. (My mind had wandered off to some micromanagement I was planning to do later that day, and I had kind of stopped listening at that point.) Anyway, it’s clear that [Coworker] is as compassionate as she is hard-working, and possibly knows how to make bionic legs.

Another thing I appreciate about [Coworker] is that she drinks less at the office than I do. So it’s nice to have that around.

Oh, and I should mention that I have to work with this co-lead of mine who has the attention span of a sugar-crazed toddler and the verbal skills of a monkey. And I don’t mean one of those smart monkeys, either, like the ones who get to go into space, or wear a cute little fez and hold out the money cup for the organ grinder, or learn to speak sign language and get a pet kitty, or anything like that. I mean one of the dumb monkeys who throw feces at each other and embarrass themselves in front of the people at the zoo. Anyway, [Coworker] made a bunch of stickers for this clown, and that kept him out of my hair for at least a good, solid twenty minutes that day while he tried to learn how stickers worked, and then gave up and just ran around the office screaming at people and slapping them upside their heads as some sort of insane, male bonding ritual.

(You see what I have to deal with here? No wonder I’m barely keeping it together.)

Anyway, the fact that [Coworker] did me a solid like that makes her a cross between Mother Teresa and Stephen Hawking in my book. Specifically, she has the patience of Mother Teresa and the brains of Stephen Hawking. I’m not trying to imply that she smells bad and talks like a robot, or anything like that.

Although, if she did talk like a robot, that would be pretty bad***, too.

Hire [Coworker] or die!

Sincerely Yours,
-[Manager]