I FOUND IT! No thanks to the totally broken search function on the old forums. Seriously, how in god's name did they justify this software update to themselves?

Anyway, here's TEZZERET PUNCHES OUT THE MULTIVERSE. Apologies for the horribly borked formatting, and possibly for the really really dated and possibly not very good jokes.

If you'd rather read something less terrible, try reading Magic: The Musical, which I also found via google after wasting like 15 minutes trying to get the damn search function on the site to work and failing.


MIRRODIN BESIEGED: Koth, Venser, and Elspeth arrive on Mirrodin to find the plane in dire need

of help. The Phyrexian invasion has gone above ground and the Mirrans are fighting a hopeless

war of attrition against monsters that now swarm beneath their very feet in the core of the

world. Elspeth persuades (read: seduces) Venser not to just punch Koth in the face and piss off

back to Dominaria. The three descend into the core of the world to confront Karn. Meanwhile,

Geth attempts to betray the Phyrexians in an effort to take over the plane for himself, but is

quickly stopped by Sheoldred (who is actually Glissa) who cuts off his head again and sticks it

back onto a Memnite with the help of Phyrexian!Slobad. (Wintermute takes a page from certain

other Magic authors and has Geth wandering around for the entire block novel making crude

jokes.)

Meanwhile, Tezzeret arrives naked on the plane.

Koth, Venser, and Elspeth fight there way to the core, where Venser tearfully reunites with

Karn, who can't remember who Venser is--not because he's been corrupted, just because Venser was

sort of a dull person. He reveals to the others that the Phyrexians have been trying to get him

to help their conquest efforts for quite some time, and he agreed to create a powerful weapon

out of the Mirari and the oil from his heartstone. "It seemed like a good idea at the time," he

admits sheepishly.

Meanwhile, Tezzeret meets up with Geth, and the three (counting Dr Jest) engage in three

chapters of sex jokes.

Several legends that have appeared on the cards show up in various battles and are killed in a

few paragraphs. Oh, and that wolf from Darksteel Eye comes back, says some cryptic stuff, and

then is stepped on by a golem. Whoops.

"It's too late for me," Karn tearfully explains to the three Planeswalkers. "And it is too late

for Mirrodin! You must take the remaining Mirrans to Dominaria with your convenient

planeshifting device mentioned at the beginning of this story arc!"

"No" Venser says, to the surprise of his companions. "I won't bring the Mirrans to Dominaria...

I'll bring Dominaria to the Mirrans!"

Meanwhile, Tezzeret, in a hilarious scene, attempts to find clothes for himself in a Neurok

brothel. Tezzeret eventually finds a cloak. Geth's Head gets transplanted onto a female Neurok's

body. No mention of this scene is ever made again.

And far away on the distant plane of Zendikar an elder dragon seeks the final piece necessary

for his final triumph...

TO BE CONTINUED???

...

NEW MIRREXIA PURE (T): Venser, Koth, and Elspeth return to Mirrodin with the ENTIRE POPULATION

OF DOMINARIA in tow. In a triumphant moment, the fourth movement to Beethoven's 9th playing in

the background, they rally the remaining Mirrans and push the Phyrexians back to the core of the

world.

Meanwhile, Tezzeret has made his way into the core as well, and approaches the very center

slowly... The powerful mana burns off his clothes, leaving him completely naked.

Koth, Elspeth, and Venser reach the core just in time to watch Sheoldred/Glissa kill Karn. "THIS

IS FOR BOSH!" she screams triumphantly, holding Karn's head aloft... right before being stabbed

in the back by Slobad who, in a four page long stream of consciousness monologue, proclaims his

undying love for her while explaining the necessity of her death, and also something about

sprockets maybe. Koth, disgusted, drops a giant rock on them. Finally!

As the three heroes pat themselves on the back, they hear a chilling laugh from behind them. It

is Koth's head, attached to Karn's headless body!

Meanwhile, Tezzeret approaches the core (naked), and beholds Karn's most powerful weapon, forged

of the Mirari and infused with Phyrexian oil and the serum created from the xenocide of the last

blinkmoths: The Ax of Absurdity--the most powerful and evil electric guitar in all of the

Multiverse. In an absolutely mindbending scene Tezzeret ascends to a higher plane of existence

and meets with Dio who tells him the secrets of the Multiverse.

Then there is a time skip of five years.

After the time skip, we see that Elspeth is dead, Koth and Venser are married (to each other),

and Geth has united with the Mirrans against a common foe more terrible than all of them:

Yawgmoth Himself, back from the dead. It is explained that before He died Yawgmoth made J.

Robert King into a horcrux. Now J. Robert King serves as a host to the Father of Machines,

hiding the face of the dark lord on the back of his head with a turban that smells of garlic.

This plotline is not resolved in this book, however, as it is all a buildup to the sequel to the

hit Magic novel Test of Metal:

BEST OF METAL: This bookROCK OPERA begins where New Mirrexia Pure(T) left off: with J. Robert

King assailing the forces of Mirrexia with the power of his Dei Ex Machina, Bolas seeking a

terrible artifact on Zendikar, and Tezzeret tripping balls in Mirrodin's core. Tezzeret, in an

even more bizarre scene than any yet seen, meets with Brady Dommermuth and after a long

discussion reveals that The Ax of Absurdity has given him the unlimited power needed to

clockwork whatever he wants into existence. Brady reveals in turn that the artifact Bolas seeks

on Zendikar, long hidden in the resting place of the three Eldrazi Titans, is the Ax of

Continuity, the only guitar that can match the Ax of Absurdity.

Tezzeret responds by punching Brady in the face while singing "I don't give a damn about

coherency!", a rousing teen anthem composed specifically for this bookROCK OPERA by Andrew

Lloyd Weber.

This act of power collapses the vision and blows a giant hole in the center of Mirrexia. J.

Robert Yawgmoth turns to confront this new enemy, and the two begin a titanic battle across

reality that will strain the very fabric of credibility to the tearing point. Finally, in a last

blast of power Tezzeret sends J. Robert Yawgmoth plunging back into time to Dominaria, where the

absurdity of the plotline brings Karona into being. In the process, Yawgmoth's spirit is

absorbed into the Ax of Absurdity, singing a powerful song about his life and downfall as he

dissolves into the metal of the instrument.

In the course of the battle, Tezzeret's clothing is completely destroyed.

Meanwhile, Bolas, now in possession of the Ax of Continuity, arrives on Ravnica and attempts to

persuade Jace to leave his wife Chandra and join him in domination of the multiverse. After a

long and moving scene Jace finally agrees to join Bolas and the two planeswalkers tearfully sing

the duet "We Were Gods Once," kiss tenderly, and prepare to planeswalk away when Tezzeret

appears and punches Jace in the face. Bolas and Tezzeret begin an epic Battle of the Bands in

which Tezzeret reveals that he has finally gained the upper hand against Dr Jest. Now, he

explains to Bolas mockingly, Dr Jest is simply another part of him... specifically his stage

name!

Dr Jest takes over and, accompanied by Baltrice on bass, Liliana on keyboards, and Garruck on

drums, sings a stirring song with Ajani Goldmane. The band summons SpiritBolas and Nicol is out

rocked. Tezzeret fuses the two guitars together to become The Double Ax Of Absolute

Implausibility, summons a massive plot hole, and hurls Bolas in. As he falls, however, he calls

out: "THERE IS A GREATER FOE THAN I, TEZZERET! YOU ARE DOOOOOMED!"

The sky darkens overhead and a dark chuckle rumbles through the entire plane...

"Parcher," Tezzeret whispers as the clouds begin to take on a human form overhead.

He cracks his knuckles, puts The Double Ax of Absolute Implausibility down, and begins taking

off his clothes.

This is where the book ends... to find out what happens next you will have to wait for the final

book in the series:

TEZZERET PUNCHES OUT THE MULTIVERSE.

Most of the jokes here fall flat for me now but I'm not gonna lie, the "5 year timeskip" bit and the recurring "Tezzeret is naked" gags still had me laughing.

Also, I should dig up the Jace/Bolas fanfic, now that I think of it... That thing was golden.

You mean this? Or was it something else?

Oh hey! I forgot that I moved that over here! Sweet!

I'll be reading this either later tonight or tomorrow. Out of curiosity, was this one of yours, Keeper? You don't actually say in the intro.

Oh heh yup to my shame it's one of mine.

I laughed. Actually, in my disconnected, English-Masters way, my favorite part of the entire thing was that the Title is taken from the book that is not summarized. For whatever reason, that amuses me to no end. The naked Tezzeret is, as you said, a fantastic running joke. And just the atmosphere of the Rock Opera in Best of Metal was great. And of course, Karn forgetting about Venser because it was Venser is just magical.

Oi, I just realized (on actually reading it) that either A) in saving it from the mothership the story has picked up a bad case of line breaks, or B) there's something going on regarding spacing and timing that is going right over my head.

I still think this is wholly worth preserving, even though it only really gets a few chuckles out of me. It's probably mostly because of my unfamiliarity with the book(s) you're parodying and many of the characters involved.

A lot of the jokes are also very relevant to the Storyline community... of a few years ago. >_< This came out before Test of Metal or Quest for Karn, after all.

I think I've just never been part of the storyline community in the strictest sense. I've always enjoyed the flavor of MtG, but I've never really followed the storyline.

Oh gods, the line breaks, my eyes!

~SE++

I bet it came with a really sweet tote bag.


I can't resist this opportunity to mention that a friend of mine once made a Ronnie James Dio lyric generator. Using which, I have created this metal ballad for Tezerret, which I have tentatively titled "Naked In The Dark":

There is no rain of the virgin spell
There is no wizard from the evil witch, RUN AWAY!
I am the heart of the mystic dream
Run from the valley between the holy masters
WHOA-OA! Run from the mystery from the unholy wind
She is the mystery of the holy dark, YEEAAAHHH!

Just add a couple long guitar solos, and I think you've got a hit.

(R.I.P., Ronnie James Dio)

Back on topic, this was hilarious. Thanks for rescuing it, Keeper!

Dio has rocked... for a long, long time. Now it's time for him to pass the torch... (Also that generator is perfect)

To quote Mrs. OL, after we played "Rainbow In The Dark" for the first time in RB3 (since she sings, she gets to study all the lyrics in the songs): "I have no idea whatsoever what that song was about, but it certainly seemed to be about it in a very intense way."

I've actually been toying with the idea of writing a "Holy Diver" inspired piece for a while now, but haven't found the right vehicle yet...

I think my favorite parody of that era of metal is the opening* to Perfect Hair Forever:



*well, the opening for one episode, anyway.

Keeper, this, THIS was hilarious.

The time skip was my second favorite part, but my FAVORITE part was when Phyrxian!Slobad kills Glissa/Sheoldred while blabbering. Oh my word. The mental image had me in stitches.

You should be proud. This is a masterpiece.

EDIT: SPROCKETS OH MY GOD.

Hahaha, glad you liked it.

The one thing I particularly liked about that section was the "Finally!" at the end

Also can we talk about how that planeshifting tech Venser was working on seemed like it was going to be a huge deal and then was never mentioned again, ever? Some of the parody stuff in here isn't that far off from what we actually got... Maybe that's why some of the jokes fall flat for me now: they're too painfully real

I assume that the right vehicle would be a deep-sea diving suit chained to the back of an electric blue tiger which is riding a lightning bolt. In the dark.