Typo:
Quote:
letting her sight settled where it normally rested,
Should be "settle".
This line:
Quote:
She couldn’t maintain it for long and time flickered back to normal speed as she jumped forward once more catching another combatant in yet another bubble.
Feels like it could use a comma. I'd put one between "more" and "catching".
This line:
Quote:
She didn’t like to hurt people, but these **** had tried to kill her.
Would perhaps do better without the censored word for two reasons:
1. The censor being there is a little jarring because of it being a censor in the first place.
2. The story thus far has been... lighthearted, I would say. The language hadn't been rough enough for me to have expected Alessa to say something like that.
I believe "bastards" would work just as well since it should get past the censor and has most of the same connotations.
This line:
Quote:
There was only one option left, but it was unreliable at least and might make things a hundred times worse…
Sounds a little off. I think it would likely read better as "unreliable at best", or perhaps just dropping "at least" entirely. Just my thoughts.
Although I had not noticed them on my own read-throughs, I will agree with Raven on the counts of: "It'd cost her a childhood" would read better spelled out "It had"; and that "there was a handful that blazed to her" should be "were" instead of "was".
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Now, first things first: I realized that this story really works to your strength in descriptions more than usual. I have complained before that your pacing sometimes suffers for your descriptive language, but I think this works
very well with the time-magic and future-sight involved in the story. It just really blends together well.
That really leads into my next point: I can tell a lot of thought went into the word choice and symbolism and I both appreciate that and like it in the story. There was a lot of things I can tell were very carefully thought out, with the way the futures are described, the manner in which she casts spells, the sandstorm-in-an-hourglass, her relationship with ghosts, the colors she used, and of course the reference at the end. It gave it a very cohesive feel.
Now, I know talk of Alessa's morality and how likeable the character is, but personally I was more driven by the character's powers (and torn over them) than her personality/morality. Inwardly, I was kind of cheering that time magic was being used at all and that it was being used in a way that doesn't really complicate having a shared universe. At the same time, I am worried that someone who wouldn't understand the fine line you are treading with both the character itself and the powers she has might end up mucking up things unintentionally. Pretty much my entire interest in the character is her powers and how she uses them; I'm neither drawn in by her morality nor repulsed by it.
The work itself, though has a quality about it that, as Keeper said, it
does feel like the work is more testing the waters than either exploring the character or setting up a plot. I think it does serve as a good introductory piece, though, and would like to see it in the archives. At the same time, because of the concern I already raised, I'd like to see a character sheet for Alessa very shortly that outlines just what should be done with her and what cannot be done with her for complicating the universe in which we work.
So those are my thoughts on the matter.