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PostPosted: Sun Oct 06, 2013 4:23 am 
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Hoo boy! this has been a long time coming. Finally got it done.

Thanks to RavenOfTheBlack for Daneera, Syl, and Chardis of course. This is a continuation of the story "Deal and Devils" that Raven wrote back on the WOTC site. Hm... we should probably see about salvaging that.

Anyway, hope you all enjoy. I have a few little concerns that I'm going to outline here so you all can comment on them.

1: And this is mostly for Raven: Did I handle Syl, Chardis, and Daneera well? Do they feel misrepresented? How so?

2: How's the pacing? This came out to about 18 pages (I don't understand it, Fisco always gets away from me. T_T) on google docs and I intended it to be... shorter.

3: Is everything clear? Except for the parts that were to remain unclear? Did everything make sense within the Multiverse? Fridge logic may abound.

4: Is Xeran too confusing? I think I may have fumbled him as a character, and I don't think he was a very good foil for Diana. Still.

Yea, those are my main concerns. Any other commentary, compliments, or criticisms are appreciated, as always.

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PostPosted: Sun Oct 06, 2013 11:03 am 
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Oh ho ho, very, VERY good! I thoroughly enjoyed that, and it was well worth the wait. Thank you, Ruwin! I'll take your questions/points one at a time.

RuwinReborn wrote:
Thanks to RavenOfTheBlack for Daneera, Syl, and Chardis of course. This is a continuation of the story "Deal and Devils" that Raven wrote back on the WOTC site. Hm... we should probably see about salvaging that.

Anyway, hope you all enjoy. I have a few little concerns that I'm going to outline here so you all can comment on them.

1: And this is mostly for Raven: Did I handle Syl, Chardis, and Daneera well? Do they feel misrepresented? How so?

2: How's the pacing? This came out to about 18 pages (I don't understand it, Fisco always gets away from me. T_T) on google docs and I intended it to be... shorter.

3: Is everything clear? Except for the parts that were to remain unclear? Did everything make sense within the Multiverse? Fridge logic may abound.

4: Is Xeran too confusing? I think I may have fumbled him as a character, and I don't think he was a very good foil for Diana. Still.

Yea, those are my main concerns. Any other commentary, compliments, or criticisms are appreciated, as always.

I can get Deals and Devils up today, if you would like.

1. I thought the characterizations were fantastic. Syl displayed a little more weakness than she usually does, but not nearly enough to be considered out of character. Daneera and Chardis were dead on.

2. The pacing was good, although the conclusion was a little quick. Although, for the escape plan to work, it pretty much had to be. And besides, the narrative sort of gained speed as it went anyway, so that's pretty much in line.

3. I think things were pretty clear. I thought I had spotted some kind of awkward wording somewhere, but I didn't think to jot it down, and now I can't find it. I'll reread it sometime and see if I can spot it. Otherwise, though, clarity was not an issue for me.

4. Xeran wasn't confusing, he just didn't get the "screen time" that Diana did. I see what you're doing with him, and I love it, he just didn't have the chance to shine the way she did. Still, now he's set up for future use if you want him, and I think that's solid.

Overall, I think this is excellent work, and I appreciate that you were willing to undertake it. Thanks!


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PostPosted: Sun Oct 06, 2013 2:08 pm 
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I love how well these stories work together. The "We're better than everyone" line in Raven's story countered with Fisco's "they think they're better than everyone" line here... the wide cast of characters in Raven's story juxtaposed with Fisco's supposition that the Dualwalkers have plenty of enemies... it's like this great little dance of rise and fall that makes the prequel story seem highly significant and this story seem like a logical continuation of the themes introduced previously.

You guys are really in sync here. Or should I say... N'SYNC????

START A BOY BAND GUYS DO IT I COMMAND IT AS YOUR M:EMPoh wait no I resigned uh YXOQUE MAKE THEM START A BOY BAND

The resolution did feel a little fast, and the one thing that caught me off guard a little was the fact that Fisco only wanted Daneera to follow his instructions and help him screw with the Dualwalkers. I expected him to want something more in return, honestly. But overall this came together well, I think. It's almost more a character study than anything else--this is what happens when these characters are all forced to interact. It helps that you've already established, in particular, Fisco's malaise and tendency to take what an outsider might think of as "out of character" risks due to his boredom and dissatisfaction.

Yeah, very nice work.


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PostPosted: Sun Oct 06, 2013 2:50 pm 
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O_O

I do have great hair.

@Raven: Yea, I needed a reason for Syl to miss the trap on the sphere. She didn't trust Fisco by any stretch of the imagination, but she sincerely believed he was fully invested in the money they had given him. So much so that she did not pay much attention to the sphere until it was too late. Not that Fisco expected the blast to kill her - it didn't - he was just looking to get out alive.

Xeran is a character that deserves more screen time, but sending a demon to talk to Daneera... well. Not so much. Fisco values Xeran's input, but he's not always easy to control.

@Keeper: Well, Fisco did want something from Daneera; knowledge. Once he figured out that she had actually been to the plane that Syl and Chardis had been hiding... then, when she FINALLY cooperated... well. Fair's fair. Now Fisco knows where the Wheel is and the Dual Walkers don't know he knows. That's quite the valuable edge...

And when word gets out that he has this info, as well that Daneera has his coin... well, Fisco stands to make quite the profit. ;)

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PostPosted: Sun Oct 06, 2013 3:11 pm 
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OH SNAP PEOPLE MIGHT TRY TO ACCESS HIM THROUGH HER

Oh you are a devious plotter indeed, sir.

Man you and Raven are kind of Dualwalkeresque yourselves--the more you work with each other's characters, the more dangerous you become.


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