Quadratic Fire -
Sorcery
Solve ((-b)+sqrt((b^2)-4ac))/(2a),
where a is the number of creatures on the battlefield, b is the number of permanents on the battlefield and c is the number of lands on the battlefield. If there are no creatures on the battlefield, a is 1.
Then, take the absolute of the answer and round it up, ~ deals that much damage to each opponent and creature you do not control.

Keeper: Make the Juggalo.

Everyone else: Okay fine! Give me a couple days maybe. It's been a while since I graded and I like to do it well.

But also, just because the contest is over doesn't mean that you can't make tribute cards to me. Who am I to stand in the way of you fulfilling your desire to appease me?

That a boy Pabs! You know you have good internet friends when they can arm twist you like this.

Speaking of arm twisting -- shouldn't you be alive again, by now?

School's kind of kicking my ass right now. I expect to resurrect early next week.