This vote would be for the story The Rattler and the Talking Stone, by newcomer Reality Glitch. A new planeswalker is included in this story.

On the one hand, there's still a lot of potential here, but I feel like this is too early for you to put it to vote yet.
It hasn't even been up a week with very few comments yet. I think it could use a little more polish before we let it in.

I'm not saying "no" really, but it needs a little bit more work before my vote makes it to a "yea".

To speak of my general thoughts, this story rubs me the wrong way, and not in a good sense. It doesn't feel like something that I should be trying to tackle as an uncomfortable subject so much as it feels like a pseudo-propaganda piece written by the very people I should be against. All I can take notice of when I read it is how stereotypically "civilized" the "savages" are. The settlers are not written any better, though; seeming like something out of a children's fable -- barely a step away from tying women to train tracks and twirling their mustaches (in a very un-Mel like way).

Perhaps the basic premise could be re-worked into something I would accept, but as it stands not even an incredible re-write would make me like it.

Nay.

So, I'm going to be an NAI on this.

There's a lot of potential here, and I'm really encouraged by the discussion which is going on in the original thread. But, as evidenced by that discussion, this walker and story are going to need real revisions before they're ready for the Archives.

I look forward to seeing those revisions when they happen, and I will reevaluate my vote then.

You are, I believe, well aware of my thoughts on this story. This gets a "Nay" from me, though I still believe in the potential of the character and the plot and settings you use here.

Wait....what?

Yeah, I don't have much to say that has not already been said, so I'll refrain from beating the dead horse on this one.

However, I will say that there is potential here! Snakefolk walkers - and Green walkers besides - are not something we have an abundance of.

Now, RG, since you've put this up for vote a little prematurely, you've found that the responses probably have not been what you have hoped. Despite the high percentage of works that get accepted into our archives AFTER they are put up for vote, we are still a rather discerning and critical little sub-forum. I bring this up because I'm not sure why this piece, particularly, is up for vote at all. It was barely two days since you posted it that it was put up, and it had already become abundantly clear before that point that this piece needed work.

Now, the gun has already been jumped, and I am not saying you are being "punished", exactly, for your hastiness, but there are consequences to rushing something towards a finished product and those consequences can be seen pretty plainly here.

What I really think you need to do, my friend, is buckle down and work this story over. Really get into it. Take Raven's advice, take Barinellos' advice, Keeper's advice, OL's advice, Luna's advice - take it and RUN with it because you are never going to receive such quality education for so cheap ever again. If you delve into this piece and rework it, it can be something really wonderful that delves into a facet of Jakkard that, frankly, we have not seen yet! And that's so important! I want this story to be great, and it can be, you just need to do it!

But it's THIS story that needs work - and I see you've already moved on to other projects. I know I don't always finish the things I've started - sometimes I even post unfinished things here, that I never actually get around to completing. There's nothing wrong with giving up on a work if you feel it's really not flowing how you originally envisioned - but, if you'll hear my advice now, you shouldn't move forward with Szetsh without his origin story being complete.

It seems to me like you're in a rush to produce something good. Cranking out product after product as fast as you can without heed for the process is not the way to do this.

Revise the story. Edit this story. Finish THIS story. It can be well written, and it can be engaging, it just needs to be done! But, until such a time that you actually DO revise it, I will say that it is going to be... difficult for our peers to read and review your work. Because if any new stories you right suffer from the same problems that THIS story does, then... well, what's the point of telling you so? It feels good, as a writer, when people comment on our work. It also feels good, as a critic, when people acknowledge our criticism as valid.

You've gotta give what you get, my friend. So far, it seems a whole lot like you've been reading our advice, and then refusing to do anything about it. If the revision is too difficult for you, or you just don't want to put in the time to go through with it, then scrap the piece. But I, for one, would be delighted to read a revised version of this story - and I don't think I'm the only one.

I'll be voting Not As Is. I hope you'll consider working on it.

There's very little I can say that hasn't already been said, and better, by Ruwin here or Luna on the main thread in particular. This needs work, and polish. In order to get a yes vote, it has to go through some pretty serious revision, but on the other hand it deserves to get that serious revision. You're already a lot better off than most people's early attempts at fiction, most of my own included (and I mean any fiction, not just fanfiction) in that there is a core here -- hell, a pretty big one -- that can be built into something honestly good.

Before I begin, I'd like to make sure you know that even if this story is not voted in, that doesn't mean you need to scrap it. There has never been any set refractory period, but it's generally accepted that after a few weeks and a re-write, any story that was previously voted out may be re-submitted for voting.

Now, to address your question, this piece feels like a fantasy take on a lot of Old Western movies -- the kind of movies where John Wayne uncovers a Native American grave and shoots the corpse because "it was an injun" -- and that is the kind of passive offense that, while a lot of people are accepting of it, it doesn't create an accepting environment for everyone. This may be written from the rattler's point of view, but it feels like it was written by the settlers who still regard them as "uncivilized savages".

O.K. then. I thought I was making Regger out to be a more obviously villainous, but I guess one doesn't need to have seen those movies to be subconsciously influenced by them. I'll have to think on this. Probably make his ascension less "traumatic" and more a revelation of some kind in order to help me steer clear of that pitfall.

"Ain't that the truth," to quote, uh, someone who's said that before.

It really is amazing how prevalent tropes like this can become, and how little we realize it. Take a look at the desensitization of people to horror movies these days. People who were young in the '70s will often still maintain that The Exorcist is one of if not the scariest movies of all time. I don't even watch horror movies, and I found it surprisingly tame when I first watched it.

I'm personally not one to be entertained by self-detriment. It's why I don't drink alcohol.

I can only echo what others have said, particularly Ruwin's suggestion that you should work at revising THIS before you write something new. I think among other things I'd like to see the narrative expanded a bit. Like, what significance does the trial ritual have? How did Thomas Regger's men get the jump on four basilisks? Why did Regger want the Wishmaker? Wouldn't it be better if instead of Wishmaker it was called Wishmaster? (Yes)

I will say though that of everything you've written so far, this is the best. It's the most coherent, the most self-contained, and the most limited in what it's trying to accomplish. You are definitely improving. You've just got a ways to go yet.

I know, but it's so intimidating seeing everything that's already been accepted, that I'm hesitant to keep trying.

Not... honestly sure what we can do about that.

Normally I'd use this as an object lesson in the practical uses of Aloise's personal philosophy, but that would get me rambling so I'll refrain.

Instead, I will just say this - don't be intimidated. Honestly, we are just a bunch of people writing magic fanfiction. Sure, it's a large, self-contained, canon-compliant work of collaborative fanfiction, but it's fanfiction nonetheless. There's no pressure, my friend. I've had things rejected myself - the only reason so many things are being voted in without much nay-say is because it is being submitted by people who have been in this project for a while, taken the criticism, and heavily revised their original works!

Why, OL's first story, Small Magic, originally needed to be completely revised because it A) didn't feel like a magic story, and B) referenced problematic canon MTG objects. Now, Beryl is one of our favorite EM characters, and OL a respected and beloved member of the community. (It's definitely the cookies, though. He gets everyone with the cookies.)

We all start somewhere, my friend. If you don't think you can do it, think about this instead: This story deserves to be written, and it deserves to be written well. Any of us could take a crack at it if we wanted, but no, we want you to write this, because we believe you can.

Don't get discouraged! Just try again.

And yeah, Yoda's advice is totally bogus. There is totally a try.

Thanks, I'll see when real life will let me.

Ahahaha it's too bad WotC falcon punched their own forums in the stomach because if searching through the boards wasn't about as much fun as extracting your own eyeballs with a melon baller I could totally show you the thread containing all the revisions that Beast Engine went through with Molcru. It's mostly just him posting stuff and Barinellos shouting "WRONG! Do it again!" at him, as I remember.

Aaah, those were the days.

And the first time I tried to write Dominian Nightmares Barinellos and Beast were both like "This is terrible, nothing makes sense, it reads more like a plot summary than a story, and everyone is just a flat archetype rather than a character. It's forced and awkward.

And then I didn't write another story for like six months!

And that was stupid because ultimately I DID rewrite Dominian Nightmares into a story that DIDN'T suck, and it got into the archives just fine!

...Of course now there's a lot about it that I look back on and wince pretty hard, because I've grown a lot since writing it, but I mean... I FOUNDED THIS PROJECT and I still was told that my work wasn't near good enough to get voted in... and I recovered and eventually did better. I'm not as good as the other folks here, but, y'know, I get better over time.

Just throwing my hat in as another one who's been shot down. It sucks, but it's ultimately for the best, for the good of the archives, and the project as a whole. And several of my earlier pieces on BARELY made it in. But I definitely think I've grown as a writer during my time with the project.

Riiiight, no pressure.