I worked through part one (or at least the first of the two posts that comprise the style guide), and found a few things I'd like to change along with a handful of typos.
The first mention of rattlers, in the paragraph in the section on planeswalkers immediately following the list of races, does not explain that "rattlers" is the term for the Jakkardian snake-people. This should probably be amended, perhaps by putting the description of the races between the two sections. I would prefer it that way since that section on planeswalkers also hints at but doesn't describe the fox-folk' status as the ruling body.
Actually, on second thought, and upon reading a bit further, I've decided the organization as it currently stands is pretty good, but it's still a bit confusing since snake folk are not shown to be called rattlers until later. I would probably change the mention of rattlers in the paragraph in question to snake folk, to keep the meaning clearer.
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Interesting, this makes Angels complicit in the suppression of faith traditions
Should be "interestingly".
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I like the short, intriguing descriptions for both trains and guns; in particular I'm getting nostalgic flashbacks to Outlaw Star with the spell-slinging variety of guns.
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It was not capable, however, of effectively supporting the refugees that flooded the last place where mana still flowed rich within the soil, not were, frankly, its technocrats interested in the problem.
That "not were" should be "nor were"; also, I would suggest italicizing that opening quote from Raleris, as I didn't even realize it was a quote until I noticed Raleris's name at the end.
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Where you describe each race in turn, I think it would be worth it to place the mana associated with each race again, so that someone who is interested in that angle (such as I) doesn't have to keep scrolling back and forth.
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Typo?
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they'll clash over issues of development, excessive mining, the building of trains on native-controlled landlines, and so on.
At first I was unsure what you were trying to say, but reading further, I believe that "landlines" is supposed to be "leylines".
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Their civalric and still semi-feudal culture
Should be "chivalric".
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Nogs the main source of guns,
I believe you're missing an "are" after "Nogs".
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fled the city en masse in order to escape what is essentially endentured servitude.
Should be "indentured".
Typo (non-agreement):
Under the section on Rattlers, there are two instances of "Cascavel" and one of "Cascoval" -- which is it?
I'll hold my vote until I've finished the whole guide.
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