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[Vote] [Story] [Beryl] Small Magic
http://862838.jrbdt8wd.asia/viewtopic.php?f=45&t=2162
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Author:  OrcishLibrarian [ Sun Jan 19, 2014 11:28 pm ]
Post subject:  [Vote] [Story] [Beryl] Small Magic

Small Magic :diamond:
by OrcishLibrarian

Notes:
Original draft, discussion thread, and summary of revisions are here - https://www.nogoblinsallowed.com/viewtopic.php?f=19&t=1032

Small Magic


Since this is Beryl's origin story, here is a quick character summary:

Beryl, the Heart-Scarred

Author:  Lord LunaEquie is me [ Sun Jan 19, 2014 11:53 pm ]
Post subject:  Re: [Vote] [Story] [Beryl] Small Magic

You're in luck; I made some time to read this week and probably read half of this already. I was actually hoping to give you my feedback before you put it up for vote, though... Well, I'll give you it when I've read the whole thing.

Author:  OrcishLibrarian [ Mon Jan 20, 2014 12:49 am ]
Post subject:  Re: [Vote] [Story] [Beryl] Small Magic

@ Lord Luna - I'm looking forward to your feedback. If you have major concerns about the piece, I can always pull it down and make revisions.

Author:  Lord LunaEquie is me [ Mon Jan 20, 2014 2:57 pm ]
Post subject:  Re: [Vote] [Story] [Beryl] Small Magic

Just a note in case you missed it (because I've been adding them to stories): the [p] tag applied to each paragraph makes an indent equivalent to a first-line tab. I can add it after this gets in, of course, so you don't need to worry yourself over it. Just a note for the future.

Author:  OrcishLibrarian [ Mon Jan 20, 2014 3:45 pm ]
Post subject:  Re: [Vote] [Story] [Beryl] Small Magic

Given that there are, by my count, 208 paragraphs in the story, that seems like a lot of work to dump on you, so I took care of it. No one else should have to pay the price for my love of short paragraphs.

Author:  Lord LunaEquie is me [ Mon Jan 20, 2014 4:44 pm ]
Post subject:  Re: [Vote] [Story] [Beryl] Small Magic

Typo found:
Quote:
waiving a hand in the direction
Should be "waving".


I'm a sucker for any work that makes me reach for a dictionary, but there are a few places I noticed it getting a little purple, like in this line:
Quote:
the ability to sense the magic in a thing, to probe its secrets, and know the mind of its maker with an innate, subconscious alacrity

I'm not entirely sure if the words as phrased have the greatest effect/efficiency, but I can appreciate that you're using these purple sections to contrast and highlight the "small magics" angle.


The mention of "Heartstone" immediately took my mind to Phyrexia and newts. May need to change the specific device name.


I would suggest rewording this line slightly:
Quote:
The dream began as it always did, with the sound of music.

So that I don't immediately think of Julie Andrews.


You mention lighting matches in the dream sequence. Now, I'm no expert on this, but I believe matches are somewhat of a rarity in the multiverse, to the point that they are called devil-sticks on Innistrad rather than matches (and that is the only mention we have of matches in Magic's history to my knowledge). I would suggest changing the line to "never make a candle light," especially since it mirrors her older sister's cantrips from just a few paragraphs back.


All in all, that was a very good piece. It feels like a chapter from a professional novel; though I will say that if Beryl wasn't already in the Archives (or rather, if I hadn't already read her later adventures), then I would have to agree that it doesn't really feel like a Magic piece so much as a fantasy piece on a set of your own creation.

Oh, also: While I don't think it really needs its own vote, I will be separating that character summary so that she has her own page with some "Featured in" links.

Author:  OrcishLibrarian [ Mon Jan 20, 2014 5:36 pm ]
Post subject:  Re: [Vote] [Story] [Beryl] Small Magic

@ Lord Luna - Many thanks for all the good notes!

Re: "Waiving" - Hah, that error must have been one-hundred-percent Freudian. I wrote this while we were killing ourselves to close out a project at work, and I was processing bug waivers all day.

Re: Getting wordy - If there are any other lines which stick out, feel free to point them out. I know that I get a little loose with language and syntax in places, especially when I'm trying to form things in the way I imagine characters would be thinking them, and it doesn't always work, so it's nice to have sanity checks.

Re: The Heartstone - I though I nixed all the Heartstone mentions in the revision. Did I miss one? For the very reason you mentioned, Barinellos pointed this out as a continuity killer, so I swapped in a Fire Diamond for the Heartstone.

Re: Julie Andrews - I'll tweak this to make the hills slightly less alive.

Re: Matches - Good catch. I'll probably change that to paraffin wicks or something similar.

Re: Connection to the multiverse - Yeah, this was a big concern that came up. I tried to work mana into the revision a little bit more, and to clean up Beryl's spell profile to fit the color pie a little better. Hopefully that helps.

Author:  RavenoftheBlack [ Mon Jan 20, 2014 5:42 pm ]
Post subject:  Re: [Vote] [Story] [Beryl] Small Magic

Re: The Heartstone - I though I nixed all the Heartstone mentions in the revision. Did I miss one? For the very reason you mentioned, Barinellos pointed this out as a continuity killer, so I swapped in a Fire Diamond for the Heartstone.

I still need to go through and reread the rewrite, but I skimmed through it last night, and I say some things about a fire diamond and some about a "Heart-Seal," which struck me as odd, but again, I haven't reread it fully, so it might make perfect sense. I'll try to get to it tonight or tomorrow, though, to be certain.

Author:  OrcishLibrarian [ Mon Jan 20, 2014 5:50 pm ]
Post subject:  Re: [Vote] [Story] [Beryl] Small Magic

Re: The Heartstone - I though I nixed all the Heartstone mentions in the revision. Did I miss one? For the very reason you mentioned, Barinellos pointed this out as a continuity killer, so I swapped in a Fire Diamond for the Heartstone.

I still need to go through and reread the rewrite, but I skimmed through it last night, and I say some things about a fire diamond and some about a "Heart-Seal," which struck me as odd, but again, I haven't reread it fully, so it might make perfect sense. I'll try to get to it tonight or tomorrow, though, to be certain.


There's a fire diamond locked inside a box, which has been sealed with a kind of enchantment called a "heart-seal."

If it turns out to be too confusing, holler, and I'll try to clear it up. It's always the problem with things you write yourself - they make sense in your own head, because you've already got the inside scoop.

Author:  RavenoftheBlack [ Mon Jan 20, 2014 6:00 pm ]
Post subject:  Re: [Vote] [Story] [Beryl] Small Magic

If it turns out to be too confusing, holler, and I'll try to clear it up. It's always the problem with things you write yourself - they make sense in your own head, because you've already got the inside scoop.

I try to tell my students this all the time. Not only do things make sense logically to you even if they actually don't, but the mind actually skips over typos because it remembers what you meant to type, and just chooses to read it that way! Happens to me all the time.

Author:  Lord LunaEquie is me [ Mon Jan 20, 2014 6:21 pm ]
Post subject:  Re: [Vote] [Story] [Beryl] Small Magic

Re: Getting wordy - If there are any other lines which stick out, feel free to point them out. I know that I get a little loose with language and syntax in places, especially when I'm trying to form things in the way I imagine characters would be thinking them, and it doesn't always work, so it's nice to have sanity checks.

No, I actually think it works -- like I said, I can appreciate how the extra wordiness (I know there's a singular word for that concept [that's not an internet slang], but I can't recall it offhand) is used to offset the angle of "simple magics." It's just something I noticed as I read through it.

Re: Connection to the multiverse - Yeah, this was a big concern that came up. I tried to work mana into the revision a little bit more, and to clean up Beryl's spell profile to fit the color pie a little better. Hopefully that helps.

I did skim through the replies on the original thread at one time, which is why I said "I would agree", but I actually think it fits within Beryl's story arc. There are, to my understanding, 6 total characters introduced, so you have a lot of room to make her world into a setting befitting Magic, even if all 6 were human. That's something you can expand upon in later stories, since this isn't even her ascension story, strictly speaking.

Speaking of, something I forgot to mention is that I was really left wanting more, wanting to know how she goes from here to meeting Aloise. That's a good thing, for one, but I have to ask whether that intermediary story is written and I haven't seen it, or you're working on it, or what?

Author:  OrcishLibrarian [ Mon Jan 20, 2014 10:59 pm ]
Post subject:  Re: [Vote] [Story] [Beryl] Small Magic

If it turns out to be too confusing, holler, and I'll try to clear it up. It's always the problem with things you write yourself - they make sense in your own head, because you've already got the inside scoop.

I try to tell my students this all the time. Not only do things make sense logically to you even if they actually don't, but the mind actually skips over typos because it remembers what you meant to type, and just chooses to read it that way! Happens to me all the time.


The brain is amazing at filling in gaps, which is adaptive behavior 99 percent of the time, but is counterproductive when you're trying to edit.

Back when I was a grad student, I had an 8.5"x11" sheet of cardboard, and I used an exacto knife to cut out a horizontal window that was as wide as a sheet of paper and as tall as a single line of text. When I needed to edit papers, I would print them out, and I would go through one page at a time, and put the cardboard on top of it so that I could only read one line of print through the cutout. I would read the line out loud, then slide the cardboard down and read the next line. I was trying to eliminate as many context clues as possible, so that I couldn't just read over any mistakes. It was surprisingly effective.

It was also a massive pain in the arse when it came to my thesis, because that sucker ran long. But these are the choices we make in life.

Author:  RavenoftheBlack [ Mon Jan 20, 2014 11:03 pm ]
Post subject:  Re: [Vote] [Story] [Beryl] Small Magic

I have a text-to-voice program on my computer, and I will often listen to everything I write, while also reading it, to try to catch mistakes. The best part is, I have a voice on there that sounds like an old British guy, which works great for the kind of stuff I write.

Author:  OrcishLibrarian [ Mon Jan 20, 2014 11:06 pm ]
Post subject:  Re: [Vote] [Story] [Beryl] Small Magic

Speaking of, something I forgot to mention is that I was really left wanting more, wanting to know how she goes from here to meeting Aloise. That's a good thing, for one, but I have to ask whether that intermediary story is written and I haven't seen it, or you're working on it, or what?


Currently that is a gap in the record. There is a period of a couple days between when "Small Magic" ends and when "A Bet On Kindness" begins that we haven't been privy to yet. We've heard Beryl's rough version of events in "Bet," and in the piece I'm working on now, we actually get another secondhand version of events from a different person, but so far the action is entirely off-camera.

There's a little strategic ambiguity at present.

Author:  RavenoftheBlack [ Thu Jan 23, 2014 3:22 pm ]
Post subject:  Re: [Vote] [Story] [Beryl] Small Magic

Okay, I was finally able to reread this, and I like the changes. The whole heart-seal thing was occasionally confusing, but not nearly so bad as I suspected from the skim. I think this still works pretty well, and I have no problem voting this one in.

Author:  OrcishLibrarian [ Thu Jan 23, 2014 4:43 pm ]
Post subject:  Re: [Vote] [Story] [Beryl] Small Magic

Okay, I was finally able to reread this, and I like the changes. The whole heart-seal thing was occasionally confusing, but not nearly so bad as I suspected from the skim. I think this still works pretty well, and I have no problem voting this one in.


If there were any particular places which stuck out to you, feel free to point them out, and I'll try to clarify the language.

Thanks for the re-read.

Author:  KeeperofManyNames [ Mon Jan 27, 2014 2:58 pm ]
Post subject:  Re: [Vote] [Story] [Beryl] Small Magic

The only thing that stood out to me was that I'm still not totally clear on how the heart seal actually worked. Not that it matters now since the vote is closed (I thought I had a bit more time :/ ) and I would've voted yes anyway, but that stood out.

Author:  OrcishLibrarian [ Mon Jan 27, 2014 3:11 pm ]
Post subject:  Re: [Vote] [Story] [Beryl] Small Magic

Guh. Another calendar fail for me. Sorry.

Author:  M:EM Archivist [ Tue Jan 28, 2014 10:52 am ]
Post subject:  Re: [Vote] [Story] [Beryl] Small Magic

This work has been Accepted (sorry for the late response).

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