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PostPosted: Wed Sep 25, 2013 7:30 pm 
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Title: The Fallen Pharaoh
Author: RavenoftheBlack
Status: Public

The Fallen Pharaoh


Yea:
Nay:
Not As Is:
Abstain:


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PostPosted: Thu Sep 26, 2013 4:00 pm 
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Yea: 1
Nay:
Not As Is:
Abstain:

I assume this hasn't been changed since we left the mothership? Because I read it there and loved it, so I have no problem voting right now without re-reading it.

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PostPosted: Thu Sep 26, 2013 4:08 pm 
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Aaarrrgh wrote:
I assume this hasn't been changed since we left the mothership?

I believe I changed two punctuation marks. I think I changed a period to an exclamation point or something, and I added in an end quotation mark that I had missed the first time. Other than that, nothing has changed.


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PostPosted: Thu Sep 26, 2013 9:25 pm 
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This is a little rougher than some of your other work, I think... I remember feeling like there was something not quite functional with the exposition, but I'm not sure I can articulate what bothered me.

I'm going to go ahead and vote Yea provisionally, since I do like the story and I'm interested in both the characters as you've portrayed them and the world's concept, but something is definitely nagging at me... Blurgh.

Yea: 2
Nay:
Not As Is:
Abstain:


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PostPosted: Sat Sep 28, 2013 6:18 pm 
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This is partially to bump this thread but mostly to remind myself to read it soon. I promise to get around to it, okay?

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PostPosted: Wed Oct 02, 2013 10:20 am 
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I liked this. I do feel I missed some of the Lukas Harran backstory, but it didn't hinder my enjoyment. The plane this takes place on is a bit on the boring side, but that doesn't affect the rest of the story too much.

Yea: 3
Nay:
Not As Is:
Abstain:

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PostPosted: Wed Oct 02, 2013 2:37 pm 
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First, the typos.

" It had been years now since Gabrielle’s murder, and Lukas still see her beautiful, angelic face when he closed his eyes and allowed himself access to his happiest thoughts."

"But still, in his mind, her murder was still unavenged"

"Finally, after Kahr finally accepted the truth, he turned to Lukas"

"But if I am still alive, than the throne of Pharaohs belongs to me"
-------------------------

Now the more general problems I had with it.

"He had dealt with demons on numerous occasions, and he had developed something of an innate sense of their power" Earlier it was implied that he had spent a long time finding and facing demons, yet we have this somewhat overly-eplanaining line about his demon experience. I would like to see that pared that down a bit.

A lot of the dialogue seems a bit too stiff, and the exposition feels just a tad too forced. Especially in the first half, where even the non-dialogue seems a bit overly descriptive.

The pharaoh accepts the planeswalker/ spark explanation a little too easily, IMO. On the other hand, I'd have liked to read his reactions to the explanation of 'walking and the spark.

All in all, it wasn't that great. Not bad by a long shot, but I do believe it can be improved, if only to bring the first half up to the greatness of the second. I notice that Planes of the Dual-Walkers had that same problem. Maybe something you need to work on?

Anyway, I'm not necessarily against this, but I think it could be improved a bit. Mainly, like I said, the dialogue feels overly... let's go with "formal" and there's times when the exposition is a bit too obvious. I'm going to go with "not as is".

Yea: 3
Nay:
Not As Is: 1
Abstain:

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PostPosted: Wed Oct 02, 2013 4:19 pm 
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I think that kind of puts into words what I was sensing, honestly. Some of the interactions did seem a bit wooden. I don't think I'm going to change my vote since I already voted but I think Lord Luna's thoughts are worth considering.


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PostPosted: Wed Oct 02, 2013 4:27 pm 
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KeeperofManyNames wrote:
I think that kind of puts into words what I was sensing, honestly. Some of the interactions did seem a bit wooden. I don't think I'm going to change my vote since I already voted but I think Lord Luna's thoughts are worth considering.

Of course, they are! Also, I don't see a problem with you changing your vote, if you feel it's not strong enough for the archives. It won't hurt my feelings.

:cry: (kidding!)


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PostPosted: Tue Oct 22, 2013 8:53 pm 
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Uuuhh, right.

I should have called this already, shouldn't I have?

This work has been ACCEPTED.

I'll lock this for now and add it to the Archives later.

EDIT: Nevermind, I don't seem to have the ability to lock threads. Should it be locked? Is there really any need?


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