No Goblins Allowed :: [Vote][Story][Adrisar]Skin Deep

For some reason, the word "west" really stood out to me. Does the Underground have a solid sense of cardinal directions? Even if they do, my understanding of the tunnels makes "listing west" seem...almost impossible? I don't know, I'm probably reading too much into that one. It's just what I noticed.

At one point your wrote: “we were all starting to smell something rank, and that’s something the small springs we’ve found without Bederd to conjure fresh water can’t solve.” - which reads very awkwardly to me. Did they smell something rank as in produce a foul odor, or did they smell something rank, as in a dead possum in the cave? And then the latter half is just a bit clunky.

The final complaint is purely personal, but I really hate the term "sterner stuff." I find it used in the weirdest places and, despite being a Shakespeare quote about ambition (or lack-thereof) it is often used to describe people now. It's just a pet peeve of mine.

Author:	Tevish Szat [ Fri Jan 03, 2014 6:14 pm ]
Post subject:	[Vote][Story][Adrisar]Skin Deep
Skin Deep, by Tevish Szat

Author:	Aaarrrgh [ Sat Jan 04, 2014 3:33 pm ]
Post subject:	Re: [Vote][Story][Adrisar]Skin Deep
There is no punctuation at the end of entry 1865.3.1.3. Also, you have a reference to Nyx in entry 1865.2.9. Other than that, I think this is brilliant! Voting yea.

Author:	OrcishLibrarian [ Sat Jan 04, 2014 8:43 pm ]
Post subject:	Re: [Vote][Story][Adrisar]Skin Deep
I'll just echo my comments on the original post - very atmospheric, enjoyed reading it. Thumbs up from me.

Author:	Tevish Szat [ Sat Jan 04, 2014 10:02 pm ]
Post subject:	Re: [Vote][Story][Adrisar]Skin Deep
Aaarrrgh wrote: There is no punctuation at the end of entry 1865.3.1.3. Also, you have a reference to Nyx in entry 1865.2.9. Both those issues should now be fixed.

Author:	Aaarrrgh [ Sun Jan 05, 2014 12:47 am ]
Post subject:	Re: [Vote][Story][Adrisar]Skin Deep
Tevish Szat wrote: Aaarrrgh wrote: There is no punctuation at the end of entry 1865.3.1.3. Also, you have a reference to Nyx in entry 1865.2.9. Both those issues should now be fixed. Yay! I gave feedback which mattered!

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[Vote][Story][Adrisar]Skin Deep http://862838.jrbdt8wd.asia/viewtopic.php?f=45&t=1911	Page 1 of 1

Author:	RuwinReborn [ Sun Jan 05, 2014 1:46 pm ]
Post subject:	Re: [Vote][Story][Adrisar]Skin Deep
...Creepy. I vote yea!

Author:	Lord LunaEquie is me [ Mon Jan 06, 2014 11:43 am ]
Post subject:	Re: [Vote][Story][Adrisar]Skin Deep
I became aware of the oddly numerous ellipses. It's not something a personal journal is likely to contain, unless the person in question likes being kooky. I would opt for a dash instead, or perhaps just a line break without punctuation. Typo: Quote: Unfortunatley Having recently read a well-done journal-style supernatural horror fic that kept me up an additional 2 hours after I read it and gave me a nightmare or two, I can't say I particularly like the way this is done. Mostly, I think it's a tad too short, that you could have gone much further with it. The transformation of our narrator comes on rather quickly, and it's only three entries from "well, now I'm hearing whispers, too" to "damn them all, they don't understand!" (Entries Expedition Journal: 1865.2.9.21, 1865.2.9.23, and 1865.3.1.1, so you know). It never built up in a meaningful or creepy way, it's just "this happened, that happened, this strange thing happened," then BLAM! "I hope you all die, I've seen the truth." I also kind of dislike how the Death God is kind of just dropped there like a prop. I mean, I get that we the readers are supposed to connect the whispers and fury to the corpse (fossil?), and it's left open for use by the next story, but since there's just the one entry on it specifically, it's not exactly built up. There doesn't seem to be any real emotion from the character about the thing. (I also had a little problem understanding that last paragraph, but that's just awkward phrasing and ultimately not related.) It is very atmospheric, but I feel like it tries a little too hard to be. Especially since there's a very cold detachment throughout by our narrator. The only time he seems at all shook up is when they have to kill the wizard. (I cannot remember any of their names, but again that isn't a point against you; it's mostly that there isn't enough time to get to know them.) I think you could take this a lot further, and as such I'm going to say Nay for now, because I can't specify exactly what I want for a NAI vote.

Author:	RavenoftheBlack [ Tue Jan 07, 2014 4:06 pm ]
Post subject:	Re: [Vote][Story][Adrisar]Skin Deep
This one took a little time to grow on my, but once it got going, I really enjoyed it. Part of it reminded me of my own "Allo's Fortnight," and that sort of survival horror genre, which I love. As for the characterizations, the only one I think really suffers from it is Bederd. The others seemed like they were either fine, or didn't need to be fleshed out. I only have three (very minor) complaints: Spoiler For some reason, the word "west" really stood out to me. Does the Underground have a solid sense of cardinal directions? Even if they do, my understanding of the tunnels makes "listing west" seem...almost impossible? I don't know, I'm probably reading too much into that one. It's just what I noticed. At one point your wrote: “we were all starting to smell something rank, and that’s something the small springs we’ve found without Bederd to conjure fresh water can’t solve.” - which reads very awkwardly to me. Did they smell something rank as in produce a foul odor, or did they smell something rank, as in a dead possum in the cave? And then the latter half is just a bit clunky. The final complaint is purely personal, but I really hate the term "sterner stuff." I find it used in the weirdest places and, despite being a Shakespeare quote about ambition (or lack-thereof) it is often used to describe people now. It's just a pet peeve of mine. Anyway, overall I liked this piece. Again, I'm picking up some Lovecraft influence here, which is by no means a bad thing. This definitely gets a "Yea" from me.

Author:	Yxoque [ Sat Jan 11, 2014 7:26 pm ]
Post subject:	Re: [Vote][Story][Adrisar]Skin Deep
I understand Lord Luna's complaints and I also wish it was a bit longer. The main reason I'd make it longer is to give all the characters some room to exist. I was able to remember three or so name while reading, but if the other people came up a little more often I would probably have to scroll up less to check their job description. I'm going to echo the NAI, despite liking this piece.

Author:	M:EM Archivist [ Mon Jan 13, 2014 11:44 am ]
Post subject:	Re: [Vote][Story][Adrisar]Skin Deep
With a majority of Yeas over Nays, this work has been Accepted into the Archives.

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