No Goblins Allowed :: [vote] Hide and Seek

Quote:

"Canti isn't coming." The shaman stated plainly as he finished laying the third hashmark on her arm and looked into her sullen eyes, sighing sympathetically. "He's decided it doesn't matter. Either he believes in you totally or not at all. I'm not sure which is the heavier burden."

"Regardless, good luck, Thorn." The old man smiled, pointed teeth bared in the closest thing Tryst had seen to kindness in weeks. She stood vexed as he tottered off before she could hiss after him.

I believe this is the main reason why some had issues with keeping track of the shaman; normally if the same character is continuing dialogue across multiple paragraphs, there is no closing quotation. This, coupled with the fact you call him "the shaman" in one paragraph and "the old man" in another, makes it seem as if two different characters are talking. I myself hazarded a guess that there was only the one character, and it only happened that I was correct. I'd suggest dropping that closing quotation mark on the first paragraph or else combining these two into one paragraph.

Quote:

The shadows darkened the walls like portcullis, jagged and impenetrable and Tryst's hackles rose as time rolled by and nothing happened.

Is that the proper plural for portcullis? Also, I would suggest adding a comma after "impenetrable" to break up the sentence a bit better.

Quote:

unfamiliar instincts threatening to overwhelm her inexperience and fear bringing caution.

I believe this is meant to be "fear-bringing". As it stands it almost seems to say the instincts are bringing caution.

Is that the proper plural for portcullis? Also, I would suggest adding a comma after "impenetrable" to break up the sentence a bit better.

I believe this is meant to be "fear-bringing". As it stands it almost seems to say the instincts are bringing caution.

Secondly, I really, really like this. I love the metaphorical tone you have going for the piece, I love the dark setting mirroring the dark tone, and for whatever it's worth the problems I normally have with your writings don't seem to be here (not that I've ever been able to pin down the issues I usually have with your works).

"The only reason he hasn't killed you yet is that fact you're so eager to spit on."

I like this story, apart from that one line I mentioned in the original thread. This line:

Barinellos wrote:

"The only reason he hasn't killed you yet is that fact you're so eager to spit on."

I just really think this line doesn't parse well. I would suggest something like:

"The only reason he hasn't killed you yet is the very fact that you seem so eager to spit on."

I'm going to vote Not As Is for this one until this line gets cleared up. I would also like to see that "old man/shaman" confusion cleared up, but I'm not going to make that a stipulation of my NAI vote.

Author:	Barinellos [ Sun Sep 11, 2016 2:01 am ]
Post subject:	[vote] Hide and Seek
viewtopic.php?f=19&t=14934

Author:	Lord LunaEquie is me [ Thu Sep 15, 2016 1:20 pm ]
Post subject:	Re: [vote] Hide and Seek
typographical issues Quote: "Canti isn't coming." The shaman stated plainly as he finished laying the third hashmark on her arm and looked into her sullen eyes, sighing sympathetically. "He's decided it doesn't matter. Either he believes in you totally or not at all. I'm not sure which is the heavier burden." "Regardless, good luck, Thorn." The old man smiled, pointed teeth bared in the closest thing Tryst had seen to kindness in weeks. She stood vexed as he tottered off before she could hiss after him. I believe this is the main reason why some had issues with keeping track of the shaman; normally if the same character is continuing dialogue across multiple paragraphs, there is no closing quotation. This, coupled with the fact you call him "the shaman" in one paragraph and "the old man" in another, makes it seem as if two different characters are talking. I myself hazarded a guess that there was only the one character, and it only happened that I was correct. I'd suggest dropping that closing quotation mark on the first paragraph or else combining these two into one paragraph. Quote: The shadows darkened the walls like portcullis, jagged and impenetrable and Tryst's hackles rose as time rolled by and nothing happened. Is that the proper plural for portcullis? Also, I would suggest adding a comma after "impenetrable" to break up the sentence a bit better. Quote: unfamiliar instincts threatening to overwhelm her inexperience and fear bringing caution. I believe this is meant to be "fear-bringing". As it stands it almost seems to say the instincts are bringing caution. Firstly, I must say that using the name "Canti" will always make me think: Secondly, I really, really like this. I love the metaphorical tone you have going for the piece, I love the dark setting mirroring the dark tone, and for whatever it's worth the problems I normally have with your writings don't seem to be here (not that I've ever been able to pin down the issues I usually have with your works).

Author:	Barinellos [ Thu Sep 15, 2016 9:27 pm ]
Post subject:	Re: [vote] Hide and Seek
Lord LunaEquie is me wrote: I believe this is the main reason why some had issues with keeping track of the shaman; normally if the same character is continuing dialogue across multiple paragraphs, there is no closing quotation. This, coupled with the fact you call him "the shaman" in one paragraph and "the old man" in another, makes it seem as if two different characters are talking. I myself hazarded a guess that there was only the one character, and it only happened that I was correct. I'd suggest dropping that closing quotation mark on the first paragraph or else combining these two into one paragraph. Fair enough. Quote: Is that the proper plural for portcullis? Also, I would suggest adding a comma after "impenetrable" to break up the sentence a bit better. I believe it is? I think it's a singular form plural. Also fair enough. Quote: I believe this is meant to be "fear-bringing". As it stands it almost seems to say the instincts are bringing caution. The fear brought caution. Otherwise the phrase doesn't really make sense. Quote: Secondly, I really, really like this. I love the metaphorical tone you have going for the piece, I love the dark setting mirroring the dark tone, and for whatever it's worth the problems I normally have with your writings don't seem to be here (not that I've ever been able to pin down the issues I usually have with your works). Glad you like it. I think it's a really successful piece, but there again, I am biased. I'd had this story in mind for ages before I put it together, so I'm just glad it's out there now.

Author:	RavenoftheBlack [ Sat Sep 17, 2016 2:46 pm ]
Post subject:	Re: [vote] Hide and Seek
I like this story, apart from that one line I mentioned in the original thread. This line: Barinellos wrote: "The only reason he hasn't killed you yet is that fact you're so eager to spit on." I just really think this line doesn't parse well. I would suggest something like: "The only reason he hasn't killed you yet is the very fact that you seem so eager to spit on." I'm going to vote Not As Is for this one until this line gets cleared up. I would also like to see that "old man/shaman" confusion cleared up, but I'm not going to make that a stipulation of my NAI vote.

Author:	Barinellos [ Sun Sep 18, 2016 2:02 am ]
Post subject:	Re: [vote] Hide and Seek
RavenoftheBlack wrote: I like this story, apart from that one line I mentioned in the original thread. This line: Barinellos wrote: "The only reason he hasn't killed you yet is that fact you're so eager to spit on." I just really think this line doesn't parse well. I would suggest something like: "The only reason he hasn't killed you yet is the very fact that you seem so eager to spit on." I'm going to vote Not As Is for this one until this line gets cleared up. I would also like to see that "old man/shaman" confusion cleared up, but I'm not going to make that a stipulation of my NAI vote. I'm fine with that change, though I'm unlikely to physically make it myself on the original. For the archive version, yeah sure, no problem.

No Goblins Allowed http://862838.jrbdt8wd.asia/

[vote] Hide and Seek http://862838.jrbdt8wd.asia/viewtopic.php?f=45&t=16288	Page 1 of 1

Author:	OrcishLibrarian [ Sun Sep 18, 2016 9:28 am ]
Post subject:	Re: [vote] Hide and Seek
I'll mainly defer to my comments of the original thread. But, suffice to say, who's got two thumbs, and is voting "yea" on this piece? [makes dual thumbs-up gestures, points said thumbs at self] THIS GUY! ... ... ... Okay, so that joke doesn't really work? Still, "yea" from me!

Page 1 of 1	All times are UTC - 6 hours [ DST ]
Powered by phpBB® Forum Software © phpBB Group http://www.phpbb.com/