No Goblins Allowed :: [Vote][Story] A Wedding on Aralheim -- Edited Version

Next was Raleris, an elderly gentleman, and after him the next two to arrive, one after the other, were so strange Marina could not work up the nerve to approach and ask after them, being as they were a woman somehow merged with a horse and some manner of dragon-man, human only in the basic outlay of his form but wearing a fine suit, a tall hat of black satin, and a monocle.

the Kiriana the centaur

>and then he started having suddenly remembered something, closed the door that kept out the breeze
Should have another comma after "started".

>congradulations

>Perhaps, but she'd be less surprised at the opposite however fantastical the conclusions it brought about.
Suggest putting a comma after "opposite"

>whoconjured

>The crab monster swing its claws wildly,
Should be "swung"

>She focused, and the raw power of life, and nature's indignation at the thing before her flowed through her, and into it.
Would flow better either with another comma before "flowed" or without the comma after "life"

>the Kiriana the centaur,
Unnecessary "the"

>Those then left, Marina turn to, and at last she found her voice.
Difficult sentence to parse. Would suggest changing it to "Marina turned to those left,"

>Don't think about like that.
Should be "Don't think about it like that".

“I don't know that I would make a good shield maiden.” she said, “But neither do I know what else I should make of myself. Can you give me... give me some time to decide whether or not... to follow you?”

Author:	Tevish Szat [ Sun Jul 24, 2016 12:11 am ]
Post subject:	[Vote][Story] A Wedding on Aralheim -- Edited Version
Found Here: http://forum.nogoblinsallowed.com/viewtopic.php?f=19&t=14562 If Accepted, this work will be Public This work features a MAJOR CHANGE to existing M:EM Content.

Author:	Huey Nomure [ Wed Jul 27, 2016 3:45 am ]
Post subject:	Re: [Vote][Story] A Wedding on Aralheim -- Edited Version
You could have left the old version in place so the edits would be easier to spot. My concerns with the piece have mostly been addressed - the Larus/Rani introduction still feels a bit longer than it should be, but I appreciate the polishing nevertheless. The preparations to the wedding now have their due importance and make us really care about Marina, the part with Aria really definitely doing its job: I probably got hit more strongly by rereading the edited piece than the old one. A couple of nitpickings: Quote: Next was Raleris, an elderly gentleman, and after him the next two to arrive, one after the other, were so strange Marina could not work up the nerve to approach and ask after them, being as they were a woman somehow merged with a horse and some manner of dragon-man, human only in the basic outlay of his form but wearing a fine suit, a tall hat of black satin, and a monocle. I think you should give their names here, otherwise the following paragraphs are a bit clunky when they mention them and a first reader (someone who didn't know their names from the original thread) would be a bit confused at first to link the names to the characters. just add their names in the paragraph would do the trick. Aria has a somewhat similar problem, but being Day Trip a recommended reading it's a very minor issue. Quote: pincoushins pincushions? Quote: the Kiriana the centaur the first "the" should be dropped, I think. To sum it up, Yea it is.

Author:	razorborne [ Wed Jul 27, 2016 10:37 am ]
Post subject:	Re: [Vote][Story] A Wedding on Aralheim -- Edited Version
I read through the sections I'd complained about before, and I think they've improved, although many of the issues are still kinda there. the opening lines read kinda clunky, the Ellia-Dantallion dialogue still feels a little stilted at times, and the Skoll the Suneater bit still sets off Chekhov alarms. (although I didn't finish the whole story, so maybe it comes back this time?) but I think, quantitatively at least, they problems are a lot quieter, and I think if I'd read this version first I wouldn't have bothered to NAI, so I won't bother now either. one specific thing: in the guests-arriving section, you have a paragraph that starts with "After Aria..." but you never told us that the person you were describing was Aria. you can assume most of the M:EM's readers will know, but that seems like a bad tactic. you also later use the names Kiriana and Zouvek as if we already know them. (I'm assuming they're the centaur and the dragon dude?) I like the improvements to the section, though: I feel like I got to know a lot about Aria from it.

Author:	Lord LunaEquie is me [ Fri Jul 29, 2016 11:02 pm ]
Post subject:	Re: [Vote][Story] A Wedding on Aralheim -- Edited Version
Typos >and then he started having suddenly remembered something, closed the door that kept out the breeze Should have another comma after "started". >congradulations >Perhaps, but she'd be less surprised at the opposite however fantastical the conclusions it brought about. Suggest putting a comma after "opposite" >whoconjured >The crab monster swing its claws wildly, Should be "swung" >She focused, and the raw power of life, and nature's indignation at the thing before her flowed through her, and into it. Would flow better either with another comma before "flowed" or without the comma after "life" >the Kiriana the centaur, Unnecessary "the" >Those then left, Marina turn to, and at last she found her voice. Difficult sentence to parse. Would suggest changing it to "Marina turned to those left," >Don't think about like that. Should be "Don't think about it like that". I also have a question of punctuation and dialogue that I should probably take up with Raven since he's our resident English teacher. I was taught to replace periods that are at the end of dialogue to commas, but I noticed a lot of lines in here are like Quote: “I don't know that I would make a good shield maiden.” she said, “But neither do I know what else I should make of myself. Can you give me... give me some time to decide whether or not... to follow you?” Where the commas and periods are in the opposite places I would expect them to be. -------- So, overall, I do like the edits, and while I personally wish we had a more grandoise exit for our hero, I'll accept this as a fitting end. But, just like others have pointed out, the integration of Zouvek, Kiriana, and Aria is confusing as all hell, and I remember being just as confused before the edits, though I don't remember if I ever said as such. I kind of agree that you might be able to get away with Aria due to the story arc, but Kiriana and Zouvek, being completely new characters, beg to be addressed by name as they're being described, not offhandedly later.

Author:	RavenoftheBlack [ Sat Jul 30, 2016 3:01 pm ]
Post subject:	Re: [Vote][Story] A Wedding on Aralheim -- Edited Version
I liked the original version, and would have voted it in as it was, and I don't think the edits take anything away from what I saw there, so I'm going to vote Yea on this one, as well. A sad moment for the M:EM, but there we are. Sad moments happen, and we have to accept them.

No Goblins Allowed http://862838.jrbdt8wd.asia/

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Author:	OrcishLibrarian [ Sun Jul 31, 2016 1:06 pm ]
Post subject:	Re: [Vote][Story] A Wedding on Aralheim -- Edited Version
I was a "yea" the first time around, and I'm a "yea" the second time around as well. This one makes me awful melancholy, but it's a good story, and it gets my thumbs-up.

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