Hoo boy. I think you may have taken the wrong message away, Tevish. Let me go through this blow-by-blow.
Alright, having collected a good deal of NAI, I have to think about how to address them
Huey: The opening scenes are too long compared to the rest of the story
Luna: The opening scenes are too different from the rest of the story
Razor: Dantalion and Ellia's scene is too flat, the other opening scenes too
I really struggle with thinking of how to address Luna's complaint because, well, those are scenes from the points of view of Skogul and Dantalion, beings with different outlooks on reality to whom I tend to apply different voices or at least strategies of narration.
Yes, and I appreciate that each perspective brings with it a change in narrative, but there's a big difference we're talking about here. I think most everyone agrees that from the wedding (or at least, the gathering for the wedding) onward, things are fine. But take a look at some of the scenes there. The action scene with Dantalion is different from the pre-wedding scene, and that is different from the post-funeral scene with Ellia, and that is different from the funeral scene. They all seem to fit together cohesively, though. Comparing Ellia's two scenes really shows just how different a voice you're using, and one of these things don't feel like they belong. I said before that the Ellia/Dantalion scene was too filled with Dialogue, and maybe razor is right in that it's flat? I don't really know how to tell, myself. But it's obvious that there's some deeper style present from wedding onwards that isn't there in that scene.
The Skogul scene has other issues entirely, where I feel it's trying to tell a second (or third depending on how you squint) story that's just there to say why and not necessarily who (I'll get to that in a minute). Honestly I never thought of it as "the Skogul scene" because she doesn't really seem like the protagonist for that scene; it always felt like she was the secondary to bounce off of Larus first and then Rani/Rangrid.
The very first scene with Illarion and Marina I feel are fine, but half the problem is they set both the mood and the style for the piece, which it eventually returns to with the wedding, but in-between has completely different styles and moods and seems only tangentially related to the story at the heart of it.
Quote: And perhaps I've done that poorly but I don't think those are scenes I can afford to cut. I was considering it, after all there is the adage that you're done not when there's nothing left to add but when there's nothing you can take away.
First off: No. Don't cut them out. I wasn't saying they were unnecessary to the plot, but that they don't feel like they're in line with the rest of the story.
Quote: Perhaps Skogul's scene could be adequately explained in the first scene of the wedding, where Larus and Rani briefly talk before the ceremony. We'd miss why Rani is in Rettrborg (Larus I assume would come off as less of an anomoly) though, and also who the valkyrie Marina recognizes as one in the end is since she doesn't seem to catch Skogul's name. For now I'd like to keep it but if it's really killing the flow it can be dumped.
Here's the thing:
- I barely know why Rani is in Rettrborg as it is
- Larus is as much an anomaly to me now as he would be if you cut the scene
- I had no idea that the vallkyrie in the funeral scene was Skogul
So you've failed on all three accounts.
Here's what I know: Rani has been "bringing light to the dark places" and has run into Skoll the Suneater, which by context I assume was on an island not far from Rettrborg and which I think happened at some point in The Ring. Larus is some prince and has some relationship with Skogul if no other valkyrie. The valkyrie in the funeral scene had wings.
The biggest problem, I feel, is that I don't really remember anything about Aralheim and this story didn't try to clue me in on it. If I didn't have at least a tiny memory of the dossier from way back when I would even be lost as to what Builders were. The problem then becomes, story-wise, that the Skogul scene is too distracting. It tells me why Larus and Rani end up at the wedding but not who they are. If I hadn't read Rangridsaga I wouldn't know who she is and I don't remember if I've ever seen Larus before. I'm sitting here trying to tease information out of these scraps and meanwhile missing the bigger context of the wedding.
Quote: The Ellia and Dantalion scene that establishes why and how the heck Dantalion can be here, and beyond that why ellia shows in the final scene... I think even I'd be lost without having an establishing scene.
The Ellia/Dantalion scene needs adding to if anything. Less adding dialogue and more adding atmosphere. Which way is Ellia facing? Is she just standing there in the dark or is she working on something? Is Dantalion in another body, or in his wormy state? What time of day is it, on what plane (I don't think you ever even mention if they're on Aralheim at the time)? Is there something going on behind the scenes? Maybe some of the dialogue could be reworked, because I think razor hits some good points on that, but its place in the story is essential.
Quote: Instead, I think I'm going to go back to my original outline -- the arrival of the guests was going to be attended with another scene, one where Dantalion attempted to confront and manipulate Marina only to find it a no sell. I cut it because I could think of no good reason he'd attempt that and not attack (one way or another) immediately after, but what we lost was also a "zoomed in" scene at the point in the narrative that most people seem to have trouble with: the opening four scenes. So while that plot turn is staying cut, I think I'll write an extention to the greeting scene where Marina actually talks to someone (Probably Aria both for narrative reasons -- aria gets a PoV scene later -- and the simple reason that aria is the least threatening of Illarion's guests) so that I can actually get some dialogue and introspection, which seems to be missing.
Here's something I've wondered since reading Phantoms: why didn't Dantalion just infect someone? Specifically, why did he turn to "attack everyone in my mech" mode rather than just infecting Marina before the wedding? Not that I think there should be that much of a change, but it was weird after seeing him in action elsewhere.
As for the extension, I'll withhold judgement on that until I see it. I don't know what exactly you intend, so I'll give you the benefit of the doubt.
Quote: And I'd like opinions (From both the NAI voters and anyone else) on whether or not the Skogul scene ought to be cut entirely.
No. It needs to be reworked, but I don't think it needs to be cut.
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(Rani no longer tells a story, it goes to narration, leaving any details for a future story)