No Goblins Allowed
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[Vote][Story] Another Day, Another Fight: Warming Up
http://862838.jrbdt8wd.asia/viewtopic.php?f=45&t=12694
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Author:  M:EM Archivist [ Wed Nov 25, 2015 7:05 pm ]
Post subject:  [Vote][Story] Another Day, Another Fight: Warming Up

This is a vote for Huey Nomure's story, which they have requested be put up for vote:

Another day, another fight: Warming Up
:diamond: public
Author: Huey Nomure
(word count: 6892)

Definitive?

Author:  Lunar Mystic [ Sun Nov 29, 2015 6:30 pm ]
Post subject:  Re: [Vote][Story] Another Day, Another Fight: Warming Up

Lookin good, Huey!

I very much enjoy the plot, thus far.

I'll drop a few grammar fixes while I read. First one I noticed is at " Also, how one can breastfeed..." Should be " ...how can one..."

"Training should start soon. How has been yours..." Should be " ... How has yours been..."

"Two humans with a stretcher run pat her..." Should be " ... humans with a stretcher ran past her"

Author:  razorborne [ Thu Dec 03, 2015 12:31 pm ]
Post subject:  Re: [Vote][Story] Another Day, Another Fight: Warming Up

I don't usually read things this long but because it's for a new person Imma do it. let's see what happens.

:duel:

Author:  razorborne [ Thu Dec 03, 2015 1:26 pm ]
Post subject:  Re: [Vote][Story] Another Day, Another Fight: Warming Up

running thoughts


that seems like kind of a lot of objections, but they're all wording stuff, and I don't really view the point of the votes as and copy-editing one. beyond a certain baseline competence that this easily clears, I think the main goal is that of content manager, and I quite like the content here. the imagery is good too. my recollection is that english isn't your native tongue (looking it up, you said you were Italian. wooh I remembered right!) and given the quality of the narrative and imagery I'm entirely willing to place the problems with the prose on translation. it's something to work on, but not something I think disqualifies you from entry, so I'm happy to vote yes here.

:duel:

Author:  Huey Nomure [ Thu Dec 03, 2015 3:56 pm ]
Post subject:  Re: [Vote][Story] Another Day, Another Fight: Warming Up

Thanks to you both for pointing out those mistakes, I'll correct them in the original topic so the polished version can be archived.

Quote:
should "Be happy it didn't try to kill you" be "Be happy I didn't try to kill you"?

Nope, 'it' refers to Sharaka, as she merely knocked the elf out instead of clawing his eyes off or gutting him.

Quote:
"Your cells are made to prevent me from killing you, not the other way around; do not forget that.": is this backwards?

I... don't think so? The basic concept of this sentence is "you outside a cell -> killed on the spot"

Quote:
there generally seems to be a shift back and forth between gendered pronouns and just using "it" to refer to people. I don't know if that's a translation thing, but at the very least it should be consistent. if you'd like to do non-gendered I'd recommend "they" over "it", "it" has non-human connotations.

The derogatory connotation is deliberate on Sharaka's part; she uses 'it' for other (non-viashino) people until she figures out their actual gender. I'll eventually make a quick read to be sure she doesn't return to 'it' for familiar individuals or uses gendered pronouns before the appropriate time, I guess.

Author:  razorborne [ Thu Dec 03, 2015 4:40 pm ]
Post subject:  Re: [Vote][Story] Another Day, Another Fight: Warming Up

Quote:
should "Be happy it didn't try to kill you" be "Be happy I didn't try to kill you"?

Nope, 'it' refers to Sharaka, as she merely knocked the elf out instead of clawing his eyes off or gutting him.
oh, I see, that dialogue is aimed at the elf. I read it as the vedalken lecturing Sharaka while she was out.

Quote:
"Your cells are made to prevent me from killing you, not the other way around; do not forget that.": is this backwards?

I... don't think so? The basic concept of this sentence is "you outside a cell -> killed on the spot"
I don't think that really comes across. or rather, I can see that interpretation of the words but I don't think it's the most obvious way to express that idea. maybe something like "These walls are the only thing between you and my executioners; do not forget that." but that was just off the top of my head and there are probably even better ways.

Quote:
there generally seems to be a shift back and forth between gendered pronouns and just using "it" to refer to people. I don't know if that's a translation thing, but at the very least it should be consistent. if you'd like to do non-gendered I'd recommend "they" over "it", "it" has non-human connotations.

The derogatory connotation is deliberate on Sharaka's part; she uses 'it' for other (non-viashino) people until she figures out their actual gender. I'll eventually make a quick read to be sure she doesn't return to 'it' for familiar individuals or uses gendered pronouns before the appropriate time, I guess.
ah, ok. I didn't really get that but I can see it now. might be helpful to emphasize that once at the beginning to make it clear to the reader that it's deliberate? or not, it's not a huge deal.

:duel:

Author:  Huey Nomure [ Thu Dec 03, 2015 5:08 pm ]
Post subject:  Re: [Vote][Story] Another Day, Another Fight: Warming Up

razorborne wrote:
ah, ok. I didn't really get that but I can see it now. might be helpful to emphasize that once at the beginning to make it clear to the reader that it's deliberate? or not, it's not a huge deal.

Unfortunately I forgot to add the disclaimer (you can find it in the original thread) to the actual story:

Quote:
DISCLAIMER:The following story includes slavery (including the use of Vedalken Shackles), violent fights with mentions of blood and death and is not a happy piece in general. Sharaka Tharnak’s dossier contains the mention of other issues related to her point of view.


Sharaka's profile, in turn, contains this excerpt:
Quote:
the viashino of her plane refer to other beings as “it” because of the hatred and disrespect toward other races, but Sharaka switches to the appropriate pronoun as soon as she identifies the strangers' gender. [...] After her mother was culled [...], she has to believe disabled people deserve to be culled, because the alternative is unthinkable.
[...] Years of training left her with a slight tendency to dehumanize her foes.


But I guess I could simply make a brief list, as the following:
Quote:
DISCLAIMER:The following story includes slavery (including the use of Vedalken Shackles), violent fights with mentions of blood and death and is not a happy piece in general.
-Issues related to Sharaka's point of view: ableism, racism (deliberate use of 'it' for strangers of unknown gender, among other things)

Author:  Huey Nomure [ Fri Dec 04, 2015 9:57 am ]
Post subject:  Re: [Vote][Story] Another Day, Another Fight: Warming Up

This is the revised version of the disclaimer and the story itself.

Quote:
DISCLAIMER: The following story includes slavery (including the use of Vedalken Shackles), violent fights with mentions of blood and death and is not a happy piece in general.
-Issues related to Sharaka's point of view: ableism, racism (deliberate use of 'it' for strangers of unknown gender, among other things)

Revised

Author:  Lunar Mystic [ Sun Dec 06, 2015 12:01 am ]
Post subject:  Re: [Vote][Story] Another Day, Another Fight: Warming Up

I feel like if Sharaka dosn't have perfect grammer all the time, it kinda makes her seem less human.

A couple things i noteced at the end of the story:

"The man was holding his throat and didn’t even looked at her..." would be "look"

and i feel like the last sentence needs rewording. Maybe " Sharaka should have been outraged at those words, but she was still high from the crowd's uproar."

I really liked this story. I felt like it ended abruptly, but i like how there really is a "twist" at the end.

Good fantasy concepts!

Yea

Author:  RavenoftheBlack [ Sun Dec 06, 2015 12:05 am ]
Post subject:  Re: [Vote][Story] Another Day, Another Fight: Warming Up

I've said pretty much everything I have to say about this piece in the original thread. I like it, I like Sharaka, and I like the idea of Huey as a M:EMber. I'm voting "Yea."

Author:  Huey Nomure [ Sun Dec 06, 2015 6:08 am ]
Post subject:  Re: [Vote][Story] Another Day, Another Fight: Warming Up

"The man was holding his throat and didn’t even looked at her..." would be "look"

and i feel like the last sentence needs rewording. Maybe " Sharaka should have been outraged at those words, but she was still high from the crowd's uproar."

Done.

Quote:
I really liked this story. I felt like it ended abruptly, but i like how there really is a "twist" at the end.

This is actually the first part of Sharaka's introductory piece; I preferred to split the story in two to focus on each part and to make them more manageable pieces to read singularly (7k is still a lot).

The second part of ADAF will be called 'Corruption' and will have two more fights and her ascension; but I think I'll take a break from Sharaka and write a piece for other two characters first (the first is Elphimas).

Author:  KeeperofManyNames [ Sun Dec 06, 2015 1:15 pm ]
Post subject:  Re: [Vote][Story] Another Day, Another Fight: Warming Up

I know I said I'd do a line by line critique of this but I just never managed to find the time >_< That definitely doesn't mean I dislike the piece however. Far from it. This is excellent sword and sorcery and a very solid addition to the project!

There's a lot of little touches I think that elevate this story above just being generic S&Sw--stuff like the actual examination of the shackles as something that would be traumatic to experience, the sense of Sharaka as a character that's inhuman and has no particular compulsion to feel bad about killing humans despite nominally being the hero, her disdain for human gender dynamics... it's good stuff that feels more nuanced than the Barbarian Gladiator narrative that this could have been.

I'm excited to see where this is going, and I feel very secure in voting for this story and by extension welcoming you into the project :D

Author:  Huey Nomure [ Sun Dec 06, 2015 1:33 pm ]
Post subject:  Re: [Vote][Story] Another Day, Another Fight: Warming Up

Thank you! I have to admit the part about the different dimorphisms was inspired by some considerations you made some time ago about orochi breasts :D

Author:  M:EM Archivist [ Sun Dec 06, 2015 4:43 pm ]
Post subject:  Re: [Vote][Story] Another Day, Another Fight: Warming Up

This has been accepted into the Archives. It will be uploaded into the Archive subfroum when I have the time to do uploading. Please be patient and I apologize for the wait.

Author:  RavenoftheBlack [ Sun Dec 06, 2015 4:46 pm ]
Post subject:  Re: [Vote][Story] Another Day, Another Fight: Warming Up

Congratulations, Huey Nomure! Welcome aboard!

Author:  Huey Nomure [ Mon Dec 07, 2015 4:42 am ]
Post subject:  Re: [Vote][Story] Another Day, Another Fight: Warming Up

Thank you all! :cloud9:

Author:  razorborne [ Mon Dec 07, 2015 2:55 pm ]
Post subject:  Re: [Vote][Story] Another Day, Another Fight: Warming Up

yay I'm not the new guy anymore. can I start complaining about kids these days yet? get off my lawn!

:duel:

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