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[Vote][Story] The Pale Priestess
http://862838.jrbdt8wd.asia/viewtopic.php?f=45&t=10347
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Author:  RavenoftheBlack [ Sun Jul 12, 2015 1:01 am ]
Post subject:  [Vote][Story] The Pale Priestess

Title: The Pale Priestess
Author: RavenoftheBlack
Status: Public
Word Count: 10000

The Pale Priestess

Author:  Lord LunaEquie is me [ Tue Jul 14, 2015 1:54 am ]
Post subject:  Re: [Vote][Story] The Pale Priestess

I feel that this line:
Quote:
These Aven had no arms, only taloned feet and massive wings, but even without carrying weapons, they were dangerous foes in combat.

Is a little too detached, too much addressing the audience rather than the narrating it should be. Unless you mean to imply that both the four-limbed as well as six-limbed varieties of Aven exist on this plane, there's no reason to say "these Aven" specifically, as if Kinechu had come across other kinds.

After reading through the original thread, I see you do, in fact, mean to have other kinds of aven on Navoya, but that does not come out clear in the story and still makes this line stand out.

----

I'm also of the opinion that the extended battle sequence with the Aven doesn't do the piece any favors. It all kind of started to get boring, especially with the often-repeated "bird did this" and "Aven did that".

----

Typo?
Quote:
The Freeman’s Corps army arrived at the southern end of the Briarthorn forest in the late afternoon,

You've called them the Freedom Corps many times previous to this, and it doesn't make sense this late in the piece to suddenly give them a second name. Either this should be changed to "Freedom Corps", or change a few of the "Freedom Corps" into this to balance it out.

Typo?
Quote:
Nor will any soldier of the Freedom’s Corps.”

Again, I find it odd that the Freedom Corps would be anything other than the Freedom Corps after you've called them only by that name for most of the piece.

----

Okay, I suspected where this was going for quite some time (after all, it is rather obvious how biased Kinechu is), but I really didn't expect it to end as it did. Kudos on that. I do kind of love how you could follow, the entire time, how Kinechu and the soldiers were digging their own graves by following "the Hero" pretty blindly. This piece, I think, shows off well what makes them dangerous to a populace, rather than individuals.

I'm going to hold off voting just yet because I want to see what your reaction are.

Author:  RavenoftheBlack [ Tue Jul 14, 2015 1:44 pm ]
Post subject:  Re: [Vote][Story] The Pale Priestess

I feel that this line:
Quote:
These Aven had no arms, only taloned feet and massive wings, but even without carrying weapons, they were dangerous foes in combat.

Is a little too detached, too much addressing the audience rather than the narrating it should be. Unless you mean to imply that both the four-limbed as well as six-limbed varieties of Aven exist on this plane, there's no reason to say "these Aven" specifically, as if Kinechu had come across other kinds.

After reading through the original thread, I see you do, in fact, mean to have other kinds of aven on Navoya, but that does not come out clear in the story and still makes this line stand out.

Sure. Okay, what if I reworked the line into something like: "Unlike the loyal Aven of Twenty Peaks that Kinechu knew well, these had no arms, but were no less deadly in combat."

Does that read better?

I'm also of the opinion that the extended battle sequence with the Aven doesn't do the piece any favors. It all kind of started to get boring, especially with the often-repeated "bird did this" and "Aven did that".

:(

I like it. I mean, I can see what you guys are saying, and ultimately you are probably right. But plot-wise, it's important for Kinechu to get injured away from the main battle, so that the Hero can find him alone later. I also wanted to give Kinechu his moment, because although this story focuses almost solely on him, it is, in many ways, not his story. So this was his moment to be the hero, as it were.

I mean, if people genuinely feel that it ruins the piece, I can try to rework it, but I personally feel it's only six paragraphs worth of material. But again, I wrote it, so I may well be too close to the issue.


Typo?
Quote:
The Freeman’s Corps army arrived at the southern end of the Briarthorn forest in the late afternoon,

You've called them the Freedom Corps many times previous to this, and it doesn't make sense this late in the piece to suddenly give them a second name. Either this should be changed to "Freedom Corps", or change a few of the "Freedom Corps" into this to balance it out.

Typo?
Quote:
Nor will any soldier of the Freedom’s Corps.”

Again, I find it odd that the Freedom Corps would be anything other than the Freedom Corps after you've called them only by that name for most of the piece.

It is and should always be "Freedom's Corps." The Freeman's Corp was a typo (that may have come from a non-MTG fiction piece I worked on years ago.) A quick search of the document didn't find anywhere that I called them the "Freedom Corp" without the possessive.

Okay, I suspected where this was going for quite some time (after all, it is rather obvious how biased Kinechu is), but I really didn't expect it to end as it did. Kudos on that. I do kind of love how you could follow, the entire time, how Kinechu and the soldiers were digging their own graves by following "the Hero" pretty blindly. This piece, I think, shows off well what makes them dangerous to a populace, rather than individuals.

Thanks. Honestly, while I hoped I would fool a few people, I didn't really expect to. As I think I mentioned in the original thread, it would have been very interesting, in retrospect, to have asked someone else to post this story as if they had written it. I mean, we'll never know now, but I wonder if it would have been more difficult to figure it out without seeing my name on the thread.

I'm going to hold off voting just yet because I want to see what your reaction are.

Sounds fair to me!

:)

Author:  OrcishLibrarian [ Tue Jul 14, 2015 11:18 pm ]
Post subject:  Re: [Vote][Story] The Pale Priestess

I'm going to do That Thing I Do, and mainly defer to my comments on the original thread. But the executive summary is that I'm a fan of this piece, and I give it the old thumbs-up. "Yea" from me!

Author:  Lord LunaEquie is me [ Tue Jul 14, 2015 11:52 pm ]
Post subject:  Re: [Vote][Story] The Pale Priestess

Sure. Okay, what if I reworked the line into something like: "Unlike the loyal Aven of Twenty Peaks that Kinechu knew well, these had no arms, but were no less deadly in combat."

Does that read better?

Yes, I think that would flow easier. I noticed the oddity of saying "these Aven" before I had read your response to... was it CKY? in the original thread, and it wasn't only me who noticed and brought it up, so I think that does mean it causes some problems as it is right now. I can understand what you were going for, but I think it stands out because we're not given the proper context.

Quote:
I'm also of the opinion that the extended battle sequence with the Aven doesn't do the piece any favors. It all kind of started to get boring, especially with the often-repeated "bird did this" and "Aven did that".

:(

I like it. I mean, I can see what you guys are saying, and ultimately you are probably right. But plot-wise, it's important for Kinechu to get injured away from the main battle, so that the Hero can find him alone later. I also wanted to give Kinechu his moment, because although this story focuses almost solely on him, it is, in many ways, not his story. So this was his moment to be the hero, as it were.

I mean, if people genuinely feel that it ruins the piece, I can try to rework it, but I personally feel it's only six paragraphs worth of material. But again, I wrote it, so I may well be too close to the issue.

I can understand where you're coming from, and just so you know, I would be okay voting this in as it is. I just agreed with... whomever it was in the original thread that said the extended battle sequence wasn't that great; I think it could have gone better. It's not a train wreck, but it's just kind of a low point for me in the piece, which I think is a shame. Personally, I feel like battle scenes aren't your strong suit, but I found this one in particular too vague and confusing to actually be interesting. If you feel like you could rewrite the scene better, I welcome it, but I don't feel it's a necessity.

--------

And oh my god I hadn't realized that it is "the Freedom's Corps" the entire time. I had been taking notes, as you know, and had written it down as "the Freedom Corps" and just ran with it. I must have not noticed until the "Freeman's" mistake, and by then I had it in my head that it wasn't possessive. Sorry about that one.

Author:  RavenoftheBlack [ Fri Jul 17, 2015 12:56 am ]
Post subject:  Re: [Vote][Story] The Pale Priestess

I've swapped out that old sentence that Luna and Zatnik disliked with the new version, and fixed the "Freeman's" typo. I have done nothing to the fight scene at this point, so please everyone take that into account when voting.

Author:  Lunar Mystic [ Sat Jul 18, 2015 8:37 pm ]
Post subject:  Re: [Vote][Story] The Pale Priestess

I really enjoy the character names you've got going. They are quite original and not too strange.

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