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Poll ended at Tue Feb 04, 2014 11:39 pm
Yea 40%  40%  [ 2 ]
Nay 0%  0%  [ 0 ]
Not As Is 40%  40%  [ 2 ]
Abstain 20%  20%  [ 1 ]
Total votes : 5
Total voters : 5
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PostPosted: Sun Jan 19, 2014 11:39 pm 
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Okay, I'm finishing off my Jakkard stuff, and I have three more pieces this week. This is the longest of them, as it's a short story. Enjoy.

Title: Showdown
Author: RavenoftheBlack
Status: Public

Showdown


Last edited by RavenoftheBlack on Mon Jan 20, 2014 2:15 am, edited 2 times in total.

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PostPosted: Mon Jan 20, 2014 12:07 am 
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Gosh darn it, I lost my post with comments. Those are coming in a second...

* * *

EDIT:

It's a great short story with good pacing and gets a hearty thumbs-up from me. Also, plus ten thousand points for a Gideon's Bible joke.

Found just a couple typos. Original text below with bold on the items in question.

Spoiler

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PostPosted: Mon Jan 20, 2014 12:26 am 
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Thanks, Orcish, glad you enjoyed it. Typos :fixed:


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PostPosted: Mon Jan 20, 2014 1:10 am 
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The story actually reminds me of a verse from one of my favorite songs:

She was long like a Union rifle
She was cold like a motel Bible
When we kissed 'neath the moonlight's halo
She'd come home to steal her rainbows

Edit: I am painfully slow on the uptake. See below.

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Last edited by OrcishLibrarian on Mon Jan 20, 2014 1:31 pm, edited 1 time in total.

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PostPosted: Mon Jan 20, 2014 1:23 pm 
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Oh, my God, I'm such a dope. I knew this reminded me of a song, and it bugged me all night.

I was on the right track, but I had the wrong song at first. Here's the right one:

Spoiler


Raven, you are too clever by half.

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PostPosted: Tue Jan 21, 2014 5:18 pm 
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I really notice the multiple instances of "the Jakkard" used. It just doesn't seem to flow right.

Well, I wasn't as quick on the uptake as Orcish was. I would not have gotten the Bible reference if he hadn't pointed it out (I don't think I've heard of "Gideon's Bible" before).

Typo:
Quote:
He waited near the outside door for nearly an hour, bidding his time
Should be "biding his time" (one d).

This line:
Quote:
Even he had no idea how he did it, but he managed to find his way back to the Sleeping Dog, and although Muck pressed him for information on what happened, Antine said nothing.
Seems overly long and probably could stand to be split in two. I think it's because although it's a sequence of events, the events are not dependent on each other, unlike in the next sentence where him falling into bed is dependent on his feet losing hold.


I will say two things about this:
One, that I will second OrcishLibrarian's comment that you are too witty for us, and
Two, that I noticed the use of written accents. I think it works pretty well here, and I assume that Jakkard is likely the only place we'll be including written accents, but something I recently read about writing has made me pay more attention to that in particular (among a few other things, of course).

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PostPosted: Wed Jan 22, 2014 10:26 am 
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Well, I wasn't as quick on the uptake as Orcish was. I would not have gotten the Bible reference if he hadn't pointed it out (I don't think I've heard of "Gideon's Bible" before).


Well, before I get too much credit for being quick, I'll note again that it took me a semi-sleepless night to catch the Beatles hook, which, given my professional exposure to the music of said Liverpudlians, is actually pretty embarrassing.

For the benefit of people who don't spend a lot of time in hotel rooms, the Gideons are a Christian organization that distributes free Bibles. In America, you're likely to find a Gideon Bible in the nightstand or desk drawer of any hotel room you stay in.

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PostPosted: Sat Jan 25, 2014 4:07 pm 
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My one concern with this is the mention of Gideon. I don't think it should be an issue, but I'd like to get Barinellos's take on it. I'll drop him a line and see what he has to say.


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PostPosted: Sat Jan 25, 2014 10:47 pm 
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My one concern with this is the mention of Gideon. I don't think it should be an issue, but I'd like to get Barinellos's take on it. I'll drop him a line and see what he has to say.

I'm agin' it!
That is to say, while it is clever, tying it very specifically to Gideon is, in my opinion, crossing a line.
We can have our own characters visit canon planes, but having canon walkers visit OUR planes is a different matter.
We are changed by the waters in which we step, and even should that be but a moment, it is marked in memory and soul, no matter how small.
Drawing the canon characters into our worlds is making them step into waters which cannot be real, and even should it never come up, it is a step that will forever separate the coexistence which we strive to keep between our canon and the official canon.

Just as a further extrapolation on how I feel about the subject, if done very very carefully, we should be allowed to write about canon walkers on canon planes that we know they've been to. There is, in my opinion, enough wiggle room in canon history for us to do that.

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Yet on the morn we wake to find / that mem'ry left so far behind.
To deafened ears we ask, unseen / "Which is life and which the dream?"


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PostPosted: Sat Jan 25, 2014 11:02 pm 
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Maybe it was Gideon's little-known cousin, Greg Jura?

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PostPosted: Sat Jan 25, 2014 11:52 pm 
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Hmm... Barinellos brings up a good point. I would say that there's nothing that explicitly ties him to this story, but then I remembered the mention in the hotel records.

I'm afraid I'm going to have to change my vote to NAI; sorry :/ But, I do think it should be relatively easy to change -- instead of saying that Gideon was on Jakkard, the book could theoretically be a book of Gideon's that somehow else made its way through the multiverse.* Of course, that may mean somewhere down the line that it will need to be clarified that despite what the story implies, there is no evidence Gideon has been to Jakkard.

*Perhaps an inscription in the book that says "Jura family spellbook"?

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Feel the Warm Fuzzies!


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PostPosted: Sat Jan 25, 2014 11:58 pm 
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Hmm... Barinellos brings up a good point. I would say that there's nothing that explicitly ties him to this story, but then I remembered the mention in the hotel records.

I'm afraid I'm going to have to change my vote to NAI; sorry :/ But, I do think it should be relatively easy to change -- instead of saying that Gideon was on Jakkard, the book could theoretically be a book of Gideon's that somehow else made its way through the multiverse.* Of course, that may mean somewhere down the line that it will need to be clarified that despite what the story implies, there is no evidence Gideon has been to Jakkard.

*Perhaps an inscription in the book that says "Jura family spellbook"?

Well, Gideon has been to Kephalai after all.
That being said though, there isn't much family to be spoken of. His father was a louse, gone before he was born, and his mother died when he was exceptionally young and was not a caster.

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Yet on the morn we wake to find / that mem'ry left so far behind.
To deafened ears we ask, unseen / "Which is life and which the dream?"


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PostPosted: Sun Jan 26, 2014 12:21 am 
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It's totally plausible to me that Gideon might have some devoted followers, what with being a champion of justice and all, and that those followers might leave behind tracts about him in the same way that the real Gideons leave Bibles.

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PostPosted: Sun Jan 26, 2014 12:27 am 
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It's totally plausible to me that Gideon might have some devoted followers, what with being a champion of justice and all, and that those followers might leave behind tracts about him in the same way that the real Gideons leave Bibles.

Despite what Gideon's Lawkeeper and Gideon's Avenger might lead you to believe, Gideon is a pretty non-descript and anonymous guy. He doesn't stick around to be thanked, it's enough for him to have been a good samaritan.

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Yet on the morn we wake to find / that mem'ry left so far behind.
To deafened ears we ask, unseen / "Which is life and which the dream?"


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PostPosted: Sun Jan 26, 2014 2:07 am 
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You're making me think of Life Of Brian - "I'm not the messiah!"

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PostPosted: Sun Jan 26, 2014 2:09 am 
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Let me preface what I'm about to say by emphasizing that all of you have to vote according to how you feel about the piece and about the project, and if you feel this piece crosses the line of what this project can be, than yes, you absolutely should vote nay.

Barinellos wrote:
Just as a further extrapolation on how I feel about the subject, if done very very carefully, we should be allowed to write about canon walkers on canon planes that we know they've been to. There is, in my opinion, enough wiggle room in canon history for us to do that.


Spoiler


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PostPosted: Sun Jan 26, 2014 2:28 am 
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Without taking a position one way or the other on whether or not it would be okay to use Gideon here (because, frankly, I haven't given the question of how canon characters interact with the M:EM enough thought yet to deliver myself of a useful opinion), I do think it's significant that his involvement is implied with a wink and a nod rather than stated as a fact. He doesn't appear in the flesh, and there's no "Gideon was here" carved into the plaster on the wall; you get a secondhand surname and a real-world reference which can combine to guide you to a conclusion, but the conclusion isn't actually explicit in the text.

As such, I'm still happy with a "yea" here.

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PostPosted: Sun Jan 26, 2014 2:39 am 
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Also, I feel like I'm watching my parents fight.

I'm going to turn up my Walkman and hide in my room for now. Someone knock on my door when we're all going to Baskin Robins for make-up ice cream, okay?

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PostPosted: Sun Jan 26, 2014 2:44 am 
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Did my post come across as confrontational? I'm sorry, really, to anyone who read it that way. Honestly, it's just my opinion, and I don't fault anyone for having their own.


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PostPosted: Sun Jan 26, 2014 5:19 am 
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Did my post come across as confrontational? I'm sorry, really, to anyone who read it that way. Honestly, it's just my opinion, and I don't fault anyone for having their own.

Well, it did, but I don't think anyone is going to fault you for it. I think you're allowed to be confrontational, at least a little bit, in such a scenario and you're certainly entitled to express your opinion.

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Yet on the morn we wake to find / that mem'ry left so far behind.
To deafened ears we ask, unseen / "Which is life and which the dream?"


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