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The Tears of the Djinn
Poll ended at Mon Jan 06, 2014 3:23 pm
Yea 83%  83%  [ 5 ]
Nay 0%  0%  [ 0 ]
Not As Is 0%  0%  [ 0 ]
Abstain 17%  17%  [ 1 ]
Total votes : 6
Total voters : 6
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PostPosted: Sun Dec 29, 2013 3:20 pm 
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This is the vote into the M:EM Archives for the story which introduced us to the character Denner Fabellian.

Title: The Tears of the Djinn
Author: RavenoftheBlack
Status: Public

The Tears of the Djinn


Last edited by RavenoftheBlack on Sun Dec 29, 2013 11:36 pm, edited 1 time in total.

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PostPosted: Sun Dec 29, 2013 11:32 pm 
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Really enjoyed the story, and I'll be clicking the "yea" button here in a second.

It's awfully hard to write "it was all a dream!"-style stories without the reveal coming off as either forced or anti-climactic. This piece threads that needle perfectly. The ending has punch and is totally credible.

Denner's not my kind of guy, but he makes good internal sense and has a distinct outlook, which makes me happy to have him around. He reminds me of the Big Brain's Infosphere from Futurama. (Fun fact: Beavers mate for life.) I'm looking forward to reading the other piece with him.

Also, I thought the "I never told you my name" bit was played just right. When she said his name, I paused for a second and started scrolling back up the page to see if it had come up yet, since I didn't remember it. Then I saw that Denner's own thoughts echoed my own. Nicely done.

Only noticed one typo: "Just as he did will all other scraps of information, he heard them, absorbed them, and then filed them away in the back of his mind, likely never to be accessed again." Assuming that "will" here wants to be "with."

Finally, and this may be me jousting at windmills, but it struck me as a little off for the carpet on the balcony to be described as man-made, since the location is magical and its inhabitant is not human. It's totally plausible that the djinn might have a man-made carpet, but I got momentarily hung-up on that question and it took me out of the flow for a second.

Long story short (too late) - enthusiastic up vote.

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PostPosted: Sun Dec 29, 2013 11:43 pm 
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Really enjoyed the story, and I'll be clicking the "yea" button here in a second.

It's awfully hard to write "it was all a dream!"-style stories without the reveal coming off as either forced or anti-climactic. This piece threads that needle perfectly. The ending has punch and is totally credible.

Thanks. In general, I dislike the "haha, it was all a dream!" stories, because they usually feel like a big "screw you" to the reader/audience, so I wanted this one to feel like a progression of the story. In this case, I feel like the dream/illusion IS the point.

Only noticed one typo: "Just as he did will all other scraps of information, he heard them, absorbed them, and then filed them away in the back of his mind, likely never to be accessed again." Assuming that "will" here wants to be "with."

Thanks for picking out the typo. I re-read these things as carefully as I can, but I rarely catch everything. I even read this the way I meant it even as I read your re-typing of it. Anyway, I've gone ahead and fixed the typo already, so thanks!

Finally, and this may be me jousting at windmills, but it struck me as a little off for the carpet on the balcony to be described as man-made, since the location is magical and its inhabitant is not human. It's totally plausible that the djinn might have a man-made carpet, but I got momentarily hung-up on that question and it took me out of the flow for a second.

Maybe I could have chosen a better term, but I wanted it clear that it wasn't the rock itself, or even an animal hide of some sort. I wanted it clear that it was fabricated in some way.

Long story short (too late) - enthusiastic up vote.

Thanks!


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PostPosted: Tue Dec 31, 2013 2:04 pm 
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Re: The one typo, your writing is always really clean.

I tip my cap to your editing and proofreading, which is the sort of thing that seldom gets complimented, since if you're doing it well, the absence of errors tends to go unremarked.

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PostPosted: Thu Jan 02, 2014 12:02 pm 
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Voted yea. I loved this story from the first time I read it on the mothership, and I think you nailed the execution of the twist.

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PostPosted: Thu Jan 02, 2014 2:07 pm 
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I don't have a problem with some of the action being "unreal". It's real enough for the character, in which an illusion like this is very different than a dream -- when a character wakes up from a dream, unless they put particular stock in it, it all goes away and nothing that has been won or lost is the same. Here, by contrast, the dispelling of the illusion has certainly left its mark on Denner. There is gain and loss, even if not in the same way you expect there will be at the outset. hearty yea from me.

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PostPosted: Sat Jan 04, 2014 11:57 am 
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I have to admit, I'm really surprised we haven't heard from Keeper or Yxoque on either of these, or Lord Luna on this one. They've been around, and I think Keeper even voted for the Denner Fabellian stories in my "What to submit" thread. Oh, well.


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PostPosted: Sat Jan 04, 2014 5:46 pm 
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Voting yea, because I thought I did but then suddenly discovered that I did not. O_O

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PostPosted: Sun Jan 05, 2014 10:00 pm 
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First, let me apologize for not getting to this sooner. I kind of put it off without a very good reason :sweat:
I have a bad tendency to not read things until they're up for vote, and it was... I guess luck that I had already read Kiss of the Shorecerers.

These lines:
Quote:
He was a brutally objective man, and he had the ability to see a problem, break it down into its smallest components, and solve each part individually, but somehow, when reassembled, they still made no sense. These were the problems that bothered Denner Fabellian the most.

Confuse me. There seems to be two different things being said in the first line, part of which belongs in the second -- that he can solve problems by breaking them down, and that problems that can't be solved like that annoy him.

Also, in the final paragraph, you use both the title Wo'Odsiin as well as Weather Rock, and I wonder whether that was intentional or a slip. If it was intentional, I'm afraid I missed the reasoning/theme/point to it.

Overall, however, I found this was a very well-written piece, as always. I think there might have been a little too much explanatory lines about Denner's well-catalogued mind trying to wrap his mind around love/a woman, but I think the rest of the piece more than makes up for it.

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PostPosted: Sun Jan 05, 2014 10:39 pm 
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First, let me apologize for not getting to this sooner. I kind of put it off without a very good reason :sweat:
I have a bad tendency to not read things until they're up for vote, and it was... I guess luck that I had already read Kiss of the Shorecerers.

No problem, and it is EVERYBODY's good luck to have read Kiss of the Shorecerers (this has been your daily moment of humility.)

These lines:
Quote:
He was a brutally objective man, and he had the ability to see a problem, break it down into its smallest components, and solve each part individually, but somehow, when reassembled, they still made no sense. These were the problems that bothered Denner Fabellian the most.

Confuse me. There seems to be two different things being said in the first line, part of which belongs in the second -- that he can solve problems by breaking them down, and that problems that can't be solved like that annoy him.

Rereading this, it is phrased in a less-than-ideal manner. What I was saying that there were certain problems that Denner couldn't understand, even when he did dissect them like that, and those problems annoyed him.

Also, in the final paragraph, you use both the title Wo'Odsiin as well as Weather Rock, and I wonder whether that was intentional or a slip. If it was intentional, I'm afraid I missed the reasoning/theme/point to it.

I really hate reusing the same word over and over again in quick succession. I don't always manage to avoid it, but if I have a character or location with two different names, I like to basically switch off between them. I find not everyone shares my opinion on this matter, however.

Anyway, thanks to Lord Luna and everyone else who read and voted. I really do appreciate it.


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PostPosted: Mon Jan 06, 2014 11:32 am 
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This work has been Accepted into the Archives; I'll be moving it there momentarily.


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