Wish granted! You are now all-powerful, but confined to a tiny lamp where you will await a whiny street rat who will use all three wishes selfishly and leave you back in the cavern where he found you.

I wish for a soundtrack that plays during my life, except for when I sleep / trying to fall asleep.

~SE++

Granted! This is your constant soundtrack:



I wish for a new sweater, in my size, which is both comfortable and neutral-looking, and is my legal property.

Granted! A greenish-grey sweater fitted perfectly to your size. It's perfectly comfortable. You can't feel the radiation of course. The colour comes from the uranium woven into the fibers.

I wish for super strength.

Your wish is my command! You can now lift 50 times your own body weight! Because you are now an ant.

I wish for the ability to see through clothes

Granted! You can now see through everything! That's literally everything. You see through clothes as well as the people wearing them. Your gaze pases right through the books you can't read and the walls you keep bumping into. You can't even see the ground beneath your feet! (Or your feet for that matter.) Even with the whole of the earth blocking your view at nigh time you night you can still see the sun through the back of your head. Have fun looking at that.

I wish for the power to control animals.

So basically, I'm blind. And wouldn't I see through the sun?

Granted, you have the power to control animals after many long sessions with diminishing returns of positive and negative reinforcement and behavioral therapy on each animal you wish to control.

I wish I could access the internet via thought alone.

Granted. I've replaced one of your eyes along with a tiny computer and Wi-Fi receptor feeding directly to your optic nerve. It doesn't have an on switch and is activated with your brainwaves alone. Unfortunately, that's all your brain can do- connect to the network. You have to hook a mouse or keyboard into your eye socket if you want to actually navigate the internet.

Wish granted! All you see is porn, 24 hours a day. You get fired from every job you ever have for sexual harassment.

I wish for the ability to stay awake 24 hours a day with no sleepless side effects.

~SE++

Wish granted. There is now a treatment that allows a person to stay awake indefinitely, without any serious side effects. Unfortunately, it is only available to the richest people on the planet.

I wish I was born 500 in the future.

Your wish accidentally a word. Because of that, you are born 500 unitless magnitudes in the future. The universe doesn't know how to comprehend such a dilemma, and it disappears entirely.

I wish I was one of the richest people on the planet.

Granted! Well, granted in that you already are. Just by the fact that you are posting here we can conclude that you're probably richer than most people on the planet. Welcome to the top 50% bud!

I wish I were among the top 100 richest people on the planet.

Just for the reference:
Your wish is granted. You are a multi-billionare Columbian drug lord. You find your wife is having an affair with your partner and you are gunned down by said partner and most of your workers in a magnificent coup d'etat.

I wish that fully virtual realities* were a reality.


*think .Hack// series or Sword Art Online

Poof! You are now trapped in the holodeck in the midst of a borg assault. Good luck!

I wish for nothing because life is pretty good right now.

You wish for nothing and I grant you oblivion! Goodbye Archer, at least you went out when the going was good.

I wish for superhuman reasoning skills. (And don't give me any of that "logic makes you an emotionless robot" bunk)

Granted! And this does not remove your emotions, instead they help you analyze the emotions, words, and actions of other people much better. To the point where you can tell exactly what people are thinking about you. Which makes them uncomfortable. And you know it. Which makes them even more uncomfortable. Slowly, every single one of your relationships die. But don't worry, you can still feel the emotional pain of every single one of those relationships.

I wish for the ability to always know what time it is, in GMT military time, without having any sort of loud announcements or side effects which would affect my sleep or mental health.

Granted! You are now constantly aware of what time it is, in GMT down to the picosecond. Unfortunately, you cannot actually communicate on anything about time (including measuring time) because the human brain cannot process that much information at once. As an added bonus, this does nothing to prevent you from wasting time or procrastinating.

I wish I was immune to all diseases (human or not).

Granted! You'll never die from infection, but you might die from malnutrition without those bacteria in your gut.

I wish all my pennies, nickles and dimes would transform into quarters.

Granted! Your touch now turns all forms of currency into quarters. Good luck trying to carry around any meaningful amount of money.

I wish for a system that could analyze your brain and give you recommendations based on your tastes (y'know, like google but better).

Granted! You boot up the system and see what it recommends for you- it's all hate speech and pictures of people who bear a striking resemblance to your mom in compromising positions. You ask the system why it suggested these horrible things, does it perhaps not have enough data about you? (The system can talk, just roll with it.) The system replies that it had ample data to determine that based on your tastes these would be the pieces of media you would have the strongest reaction to.

I wish for a pen that never runs out of ink.

Granted! You now have a pen that never runs out of ink.
The ink runs out of the pen however, and it keeps flowing out of it, until the whole world is covered in a thick layer of ink.

I wish I had more free time.