I'm going to put together a children's book for my god-son's birthday (Kail). I got the story pretty much down, but I could use some help where the language doesn't quite feel "right". Any suggestions?
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Page 1: There once was a world, with lots of different people, of lots of different types, who liked lots of different stuff, who talked of lots of different things, and did everything apart.
Page 2: And of all those people, there was just one Kail.
Page 3: One day, Kail and the other kids wanted to play, but the adults just wanted to work.
Page 4: So Kail said "We don't like to work! If you leave us kids alone to play, we'll leave you alone to work, and we'll all be happy!"
Page 5 & 6: So they each went to where the others weren't, and kids were with kids, and adults were with adults.
Page 7: One day, Kail and the other kids were playing all kinds of games, but the smaller kids kept losing to the bigger kids.
Page 8: So Kail said "We don't like losing to you bigger kids! If you leave us small kids alone, we'll leave you big kids alone, and we'll all be happy!"
Page 9 & 10: So they each went to where the others weren't, and small kids were with small kids, and big kids were with big kids.
Page 11: One day, Kail and the other small kids wanted to play, but some kids wanted to run and jump, while others wanted to do puzzles and sit.
Page 12: So Kail said "We don't like to do puzzles and sit! If you leave us running kids alone, we'll leave you sitting kids alone, and we'll all be happy!"
Page 13 & 14: So they each went to where the others weren't, and small running kids played with small running kids, and small sitting kids played with small sitting kids.
Page 15: One day, Kail and the other small running kids were playing tag, but Kail didn't want to talk about the same things as the other small running kids.
Page 16: So Kail said "I don't like talking about the same things as the rest of you! If you leave me alone, I'll leave you alone, and we'll all be happy!"
Page 17 & 18: So they each went to where the others weren't, and the other small running kids talked with each other, and Kail went to talk with himself.
Page 19 & 20: But Kail wasn't happy.
Page 21 & 22: Kail missed talking with the other small running kids, and doing puzzles and sitting, and playing with bigger kids, and, yes, even working with adults.
Page 23: So Kail said to the other small running kids "Let's be friends again. Sometimes we can talk about what I like, and sometimes we can talk about what you like. And we'll all be happy!"
Page 24: And they each went to where the others were, and they all talked with each other. They all had something to talk about!
Page 25: Kail then took the small running kids over to the small sitting kids and said "Let's be friends again. Sometimes we can run and jump, and sometimes we can do puzzles and sit. And we'll all be happy!"
Page 26: And they each went to where the others were, and they all talked and ran and jumped and did puzzles and sat together. They were all small kids!
Page 27: Kail then took all the small kids over to the big kids and said "Let's be friends again. Sometimes we'll play as both big kids and small kids. And we'll all be happy!"
Page 28: And they each went to where the others were, and both big kids and small talked and ran and jumped and did puzzles and sat together, both big kids and small kids. They were all kids!
Page 29: Kail then took all the kids over to the adults and said "We miss you and love you. Sometimes we'll work, and sometimes we'll play. And we'll all be happy!"
Page 30: And they each went to where the others were, and kids and adults talked and ran and jumped and did puzzles and sat together and, yes, even did work. They were all people!
Page 31: There now was a world, with lots of different people, of lots of different types, who liked lots of different stuff, who talked of lots of different things, and did everything together.
Page 32: And of all those people, there was just one Kail.
Page 33: And everyone (especially Kail) was very, very happy!
Page 34: The end.
_________________
Quote:
"If you refuse to use rock, you will never beat scissors." — Galef, Dakka Dakka Forums
Joined: Sep 23, 2013 Posts: 6317 Location: New York
Would you be terribly offended if I edited this? I have two writing degrees and could justify my suggestions line-by-line. I also spent years managing the children's section of a Barnes and Noble.
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"In all fairness that probably is a sight that would make you stop and reevaluate your life choices." ~ Garren_Windspear
Joined: Sep 23, 2013 Posts: 6317 Location: New York
Page 1: There once was a world, with lots of different people, of lots of different types, who liked lots of different stuff, who talked of lots of different things, and did everything apart.
I would split this up. The first comma's wrong, the others just create a run-on sentence that doesn't change much in meaning when you splice it up into two grammatically correct sentences. I also feel like the moral could be communicated more clearly in the beginning, as "did everything apart" seems too abstract.
"There once was a world with lots of different people of lots of different types who liked lots of different stuff. They played different games, talked of lots of different things, and generally tried to do only what they wanted to do."
Page 2: And of all those people, there was just one Kail.
I would make it: "But of all those people, there was just one Kail." In creating a list you're making an expectation, the "but" lets the reader know that the expectation created in the list has been usurped.
Page 3: One day, Kail and the other kids wanted to play, but the adults just wanted to work.
This is fine.
Page 4: So Kail said "We don't like to work! If you leave us kids alone to play, we'll leave you alone to work, and we'll all be happy!"
There should be a comma after "said."
Page 5 & 6: So they each went to where the others weren't, and kids were with kids, and adults were with adults.
Page 7: One day, Kail and the other kids were playing all kinds of games, but the smaller kids kept losing to the bigger kids.
This seems like an odd shift forward in time. Parents have abandoned their children for work, yet things go on? I would say this should happen on the same day. Try, "Kail and the other kids played all kinds of games, but the smaller kids kept losing to the bigger kids."
Page 8: So Kail said "We don't like losing to you bigger kids! If you leave us small kids alone, we'll leave you big kids alone, and we'll all be happy!"
So Kail, who was a smaller kid, said, "We little kids don't like losing to you bigger kids! If you leave us alone, we'll leave you alone, and we'll all be happy!"
Page 9 & 10: So they each went to where the others weren't, and small kids were with small kids, and big kids were with big kids.
Page 11: One day, Kail and the other small kids wanted to play, but some kids wanted to run and jump, while others wanted to do puzzles and sit.
Again, there's a temporal disrupt. The smallest children have been abandoned by their parents and mean baby sitters. All is not well. Try, "Kail and the other small kids wanted to play. But some of them wanted to run and jump, and some of them wanted to do puzzles and sit."
Page 12: So Kail said "We don't like to do puzzles and sit! If you leave us running kids alone, we'll leave you sitting kids alone, and we'll all be happy!"
(Wow, is this chic xenophobic or what? Anyway. This is the third time this trope has appeared, so it's time to vary it a little.) So Kail said, "You can play with puzzles and sit while we go run and jump and skip!"
Page 13 & 14: Um I accidentally edited the original but check the spoiler for my suggestion!
So they each went to where the others weren't, and some small kids ran and played while some small kids puzzled and stayed.]
Page 15: One day, Kail and the other small running kids were playing tag, but Kail didn't want to talk about the same things as the other small running kids.
Temporal dissonance. No! Kail and the other small running kids played tag, but Kail didn't want to talk about the same things as them. (Just shortening things up a bit.)
Page 16: So Kail said "I don't like talking about the same things as the rest of you! If you leave me alone, I'll leave you alone, and we'll all be happy!"
Make sure you add the comma after "Said."
Page 17 & 18: So they each went to where the others weren't, and the other small running kids talked with each other, and Kail went to talk with himself.
Kail's a dude? Oops.
Page 19 & 20: But Kail wasn't happy.
You could emphasize "wasn't" here.
Page 21 & 22: Kail missed talking with the other small running kids, and doing puzzles and sitting, and playing with bigger kids, and, yes, even working with adults.
I'm curious to see what the pics will be.
Page 23: So Kail said to the other small running kids "Let's be friends again. Sometimes we can talk about what I like, and sometimes we can talk about what you like. And we'll all be happy!"
Need that comma after "kids" to denote speech.
Page 24: And they each went to where the others were, and they all talked with each other. They all had something to talk about!
Page 25: Kail then took the small running kids over to the small sitting kids and said "Let's be friends again. Sometimes we can run and jump, and sometimes we can do puzzles and sit. And we'll all be happy!"
Don't forget that comma. Also, "do puzzles and sit" is very close to "do puzzles and " so you might want to make it "sit and do puzzles."
Page 26: And they each went to where the others were, and they all talked and ran and jumped and did puzzles and sat together. They were all small kids!
Page 27: Kail then took all the small kids over to the big kids and said "Let's be friends again. Sometimes we'll play as both big kids and small kids. And we'll all be happy!"
Need that comma. I'm not sure this part makes literal sense. You mean sometimes the little kids will play like big kids? If they could play like big kids why were they losing all the time? Maybe sometimes about fairness could go in here.
Page 28: And they each went to where the others were, and both big kids and small talked and ran and jumped and did puzzles and sat together, both big kids and small kids. They were all kids!
" And they each went to where the others were, and both big kids and small talked and ran and jumped and did puzzles and sat together. They were all kids!" (shortening it a bit)
Page 29: Kail then took all the kids over to the adults and said "We miss you and love you. Sometimes we'll work, and sometimes we'll play. And we'll all be happy!"
Comma after "said."
Page 30: And they each went to where the others were, and kids and adults talked and ran and jumped and did puzzles and sat together and, yes, even did work. They were all people!
Page 31: There now was a world, with lots of different people, of lots of different types, who liked lots of different stuff, who talked of lots of different things, and did everything together.
Page 32: And of all those people, there was just one Kail.
Page 33: And everyone (especially Kail) was very, very happy!
Page 34: The end.
_________________
"In all fairness that probably is a sight that would make you stop and reevaluate your life choices." ~ Garren_Windspear
Thanks for the great suggestions! It was my first draft, so all semblance of comma-usage was totally out of whack. "Sit and do puzzles" is definitely better than "do puzzles and sit", and I'll make sure to shift that around. Some great catches on other little bits too, especially the shortening of some of those sentences.
My most difficult one I need help on is when Kail and the smaller kids get together again with the bigger kids. In my mind I envision it as the big kids playing as one team, and the little kids playing as another team. Once they get back together, both little and big kids play on each team. I tried a few times and settled on the current wording just for getting through the rest of the first draft. Any ideas here would be greatly appreciated.
As for visuals, I plan to make this out of construction paper, and I'll use little photos of Kail (my nephew and god-son) to put on his head. I'm not the most artistically inclined, but I do feel I'm good at creating little worlds people can explore. What did you think of the moral of the story?
PS. I was almost falling over laughing at how horrifying you found it that the kids were abandoned by the parents. You're definitely very right that I shouldn't use the "one day" start to the sentences
_________________
Quote:
"If you refuse to use rock, you will never beat scissors." — Galef, Dakka Dakka Forums
Joined: Sep 23, 2013 Posts: 6317 Location: New York
Big kids/little kids:
"Play with us and not against us!"
I kinda thought the moral of the story was that it's good to be an individual but it's great to have friends/people who are different.
Yeah, I trend toward bleakness, but that kinda cracked me up when I read it too The thing is that younger audiences only have an abstract idea of time, so something taking place on one day or on several days/weeks means the same.
_________________
"In all fairness that probably is a sight that would make you stop and reevaluate your life choices." ~ Garren_Windspear
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" so you might want to make it "sit and do puzzles."
