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| Birth http://862838.jrbdt8wd.asia/viewtopic.php?f=40&t=12246 |
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| Author: | POSValkir [ Mon Oct 19, 2015 7:59 pm ] |
| Post subject: | Birth |
I've been fascinated by birth...and life...for a very long time. Here is the intro to my new story. A story which follows a human. A being. A being which exists. Brightness rips the sky asunder. Miles above the ground particles scream in torment, their cumulative pain reaching a crescendo on the unfortunate soul beneath them… Darkness...nothing exists. Something happens. I name it swirl. Darkness moves, there’s a pattern to it. A...swirl...begins. The swirl is beyond perception. I lay motionless,watching that which I cannot see. I? Pressure builds. Buffering? A word travels across my vision. That word becomes form. Swirl. I’m nauseous. Strong feelings resonate everywhere. Resist! The swirl will not consume me. Consume? Live? Live! The swirl weakens. Pain! The world knew pain. Pain. World. Pain. They are one and the same. Form. What is form? Form is pain? Form is pain. Escape. Squirm. Move. Null. Pain! PAIN! |
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| Author: | TPmanW [ Mon Oct 19, 2015 8:44 pm ] |
| Post subject: | Re: Birth |
"Miles above the ground particles scream in torment" needs a comma (after either "above" or "ground") to read unambiguously. I would also end the sentence there. I think you use too many ellipses. The one after darkness should just be a period. I would keep the second one in "A... swirl,,, begins" but cut the first. You bring up a lot of sensory information, but you talk about it in such abstract terms that I have a hard time forming a picture in my mind. |
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| Author: | POSValkir [ Mon Oct 19, 2015 9:47 pm ] |
| Post subject: | Re: Birth |
Hmmm, interesting. When you mention it, I see it. Although...reading it again...I think I like the dual ellipses in "a...swirl...begins". It's meant to portray the confusion of the term. If anything I would remove the second to read "a...swirl begins" but I don't know if that portrays the hesitation and uncertainty I'm looking for. You just named something arbitrarily, you're not sure if you're right or even if you're describing the same thing. I agree with the darkness part though. No need to convey time or thought there. Fist comma should go after ground. I don't understand the rest. Abstract? I'm trying to capture what the mind of a newborn might experience. That's about as abstract as I can get. I'm not saying I've nailed what I'm trying to portray...but I think it would be hard to understand the sensory input of a newborn. Am I being particularly obtuse, needlessly specific, or genuinely inaccurate? |
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| Author: | Lunar Mystic [ Mon Apr 25, 2016 1:07 pm ] |
| Post subject: | Re: Birth |
I pictured primordial ooze that animated itself, kinda like in 'ferngully'- maybe if it is a story than it could be a beginning for a weirrd creature? |
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