I usually play 2HG to grind gold on iOS, since it pits 2 humans vs AI for 30 gold. Of course, this means getting paired with a variety of players, good and bad.
I had a game tonight that cracked me up. I was trying out a really durdly jank deck built around Gonti's and Renegade Rallier in a flicker shell (yeah 4 colors - Rallier x2 were the only
tho). I was trying a fog oriented build instead of running sweepers which proved to be a mistake. Anyway, my pard was probably a fairly new player - his deck was the kind of untuned pile you'd expect from a newbie - mix of meh cards and a few decent bombs like Bruna (which he had 2 of in his hand) with not enough land or ramp to realistically expect to play them. He wasn't terrible and definitely participated. Unfortunately, the comps ended up building a massive army while clearing my own field with an unexpected Dusk//Dawn. It came down to the wire with my Gonti's engine and fogs buying us time and taking them down to 4 life but we were both in topdeck mode with me having an empty hand and him having his Brunas. Finally, at 12 life, I top a Visionary, play it and goldfish a Fog while he hits his 7th land. Comps had a flyer but I was hoping they would send it in as part of the game finishing alpha strike. My pard plays his Bruna and, lucky us, the comps DO go all in. I fog and we have a clear shot with Bruna to finish it.Next turn we both top land. Good thing he can get that last hit in, cuz I'm out of gas...
But wait! What's this? He's playing his OTHER Bruna?! Uh oh. I really really hope he picks the right one to k-
Oh.
Yeah, I can understand that scenario being a learning experience for a new player - legend rule doesn't come up very often, and the pick-which-one-to-keep interface isn't exactly intuitive. Still, it was a hilariously bad finish to such a hard fought game.
But that's nothing compared to the pard I had a few nights ago. Possibly the worst player I've ever encountered.
I was playing Temur Alchemists - a deck that had never lost in 2HG vs the AI over MANY (30+) games. My pard was playing Orzhov control - D-card Deluxe edition.
I didn't have any Thermos, but I did have a Chandra, Torch of Defiance in my hand, and the comps had a slow start (T1 was just tap lands - T2, one of them played Oviya while the other just played land). My pard played Child of Night on T2 and Expedition Envoy on T3. The comp attacked into both creatures with its Oviya for some reason so I cast Ornamental Courage on the Child so my pard can kill Oviya without trading and gain us a little life in the bargain. My pard has a better idea and blocks with Envoy because reasons.
Hmmm...
I play Chandra into no pressure T4, and T5 I plus her hitting land. I play Key to the City and pass, holding up Fog and Just the Wind. Comps had finally put some presence on the table the turn I dropped Chandra, laying down a Trinketeer and Aetherstream Leopard, but my pard could have traded with the Trinketeer, while I bounced the Leopard and I'da been set for Fog the following turn and Chandra Ult the turn after that. Alas, my pard decides he'd rather chump the trampler with his Child than trade that Trinketeer off the table.
Why?!
I decide to Fog and hope for a good topdeck. Then the comps drop a bunch of trouble post combat. I top Saheeli, and plus her, revealing a land that I need but cant afford to keep. My pard drops his 5th land, activating the horrible 5 mana kill spells in his hand. We pass. The comps drop a few more creeps, pre combat, including a Scrounger. Then they swing hard at my Walkers. My pard again decides to chump the tramper with his Child. Then he busts out his kill spell. On the summoning sick Scrounger. Ignores the Trinketeer which is buffing 2 attacking servos at this point. Ignores the trampler that is rolling over his Child of the Night. Hits the creature that isn't even participating in combat and that has built in recursion. And, no, his spell did not have any exile effect.
Both my walkers perish and I top a land so I just quit.
I can get a bit impatient with semi-incompetent players but, in this case, I just had to marvel at how inspired this guy was in his badness. Like, not just clueless, but somehow picking the worst option available every play.
So what about you guys? Got any fail-hard-pard stories to share? Just remember that shaming is fine but naming isn't.
