I usually play 2HG to grind gold on iOS, since it pits 2 humans vs AI for 30 gold. Of course, this means getting paired with a variety of players, good and bad.

I had a game tonight that cracked me up. I was trying out a really durdly jank deck built around Gonti's and Renegade Rallier in a flicker shell (yeah 4 colors - Rallier x2 were the only tho). I was trying a fog oriented build instead of running sweepers which proved to be a mistake. Anyway, my pard was probably a fairly new player - his deck was the kind of untuned pile you'd expect from a newbie - mix of meh cards and a few decent bombs like Bruna (which he had 2 of in his hand) with not enough land or ramp to realistically expect to play them. He wasn't terrible and definitely participated. Unfortunately, the comps ended up building a massive army while clearing my own field with an unexpected Dusk//Dawn. It came down to the wire with my Gonti's engine and fogs buying us time and taking them down to 4 life but we were both in topdeck mode with me having an empty hand and him having his Brunas. Finally, at 12 life, I top a Visionary, play it and goldfish a Fog while he hits his 7th land. Comps had a flyer but I was hoping they would send it in as part of the game finishing alpha strike. My pard plays his Bruna and, lucky us, the comps DO go all in. I fog and we have a clear shot with Bruna to finish it.

Next turn we both top land. Good thing he can get that last hit in, cuz I'm out of gas...

But wait! What's this? He's playing his OTHER Bruna?! Uh oh. I really really hope he picks the right one to k-
Oh.

Yeah, I can understand that scenario being a learning experience for a new player - legend rule doesn't come up very often, and the pick-which-one-to-keep interface isn't exactly intuitive. Still, it was a hilariously bad finish to such a hard fought game.


But that's nothing compared to the pard I had a few nights ago. Possibly the worst player I've ever encountered.

I was playing Temur Alchemists - a deck that had never lost in 2HG vs the AI over MANY (30+) games. My pard was playing Orzhov control - D-card Deluxe edition.

I didn't have any Thermos, but I did have a Chandra, Torch of Defiance in my hand, and the comps had a slow start (T1 was just tap lands - T2, one of them played Oviya while the other just played land). My pard played Child of Night on T2 and Expedition Envoy on T3. The comp attacked into both creatures with its Oviya for some reason so I cast Ornamental Courage on the Child so my pard can kill Oviya without trading and gain us a little life in the bargain. My pard has a better idea and blocks with Envoy because reasons.

Hmmm...

I play Chandra into no pressure T4, and T5 I plus her hitting land. I play Key to the City and pass, holding up Fog and Just the Wind. Comps had finally put some presence on the table the turn I dropped Chandra, laying down a Trinketeer and Aetherstream Leopard, but my pard could have traded with the Trinketeer, while I bounced the Leopard and I'da been set for Fog the following turn and Chandra Ult the turn after that. Alas, my pard decides he'd rather chump the trampler with his Child than trade that Trinketeer off the table.

Why?!

I decide to Fog and hope for a good topdeck. Then the comps drop a bunch of trouble post combat. I top Saheeli, and plus her, revealing a land that I need but cant afford to keep. My pard drops his 5th land, activating the horrible 5 mana kill spells in his hand. We pass. The comps drop a few more creeps, pre combat, including a Scrounger. Then they swing hard at my Walkers. My pard again decides to chump the tramper with his Child. Then he busts out his kill spell. On the summoning sick Scrounger. Ignores the Trinketeer which is buffing 2 attacking servos at this point. Ignores the trampler that is rolling over his Child of the Night. Hits the creature that isn't even participating in combat and that has built in recursion. And, no, his spell did not have any exile effect.

Both my walkers perish and I top a land so I just quit.

I can get a bit impatient with semi-incompetent players but, in this case, I just had to marvel at how inspired this guy was in his badness. Like, not just clueless, but somehow picking the worst option available every play.

So what about you guys? Got any fail-hard-pard stories to share? Just remember that shaming is fine but naming isn't.

I have had some bad partners but nothing to that level. I do hate having a partner that has nothing but 5cmc+ drops in an opening hand. You look at their hand and wonder "oh sure that looks great man, I will just keep us alive until turn 7". They usually get stuck at 3 lands too.

Had another one today.

I was playing a Sultai flicker build and my pard was Gruul Nothin' But D aggro. We both had good starts and the AI was super durdly, not sticking anything till T4. Up to that point, my pard was ok. He managed to play things and turn creeps sideways on the attack step, albiet only after deep consideration. He made a questionable play of Inferno Fisting his Ember Hauler instead of the Timberland Guide, but otherwise did fine.

But after that Kinsbail Skirmisher hit the table and spawned a token courtesy of Oketra's Monument, the combat calculations must have gotten too intense for him. I had a hunch that he'd be reluctant to trade, despite us having such a lead on damage so I tried to help him out by Lili-neutering the Skirmisher but even a 0/1 and 1/1 were too menacing for him to attack into. Instead he just dropped a Flamekin Harbinger and passed. Next turn, the AI finally got busy and put some real presence on the board. My P played his 2nd Inferno Fist. Not on the Harbinger, tho. That would have made too much sense. Instead he enchants the Timberland Guide. Fortunately, my game plan doesn't rely on combat damage and I'm able to take them to 6, well within range of those 2 Fists and the Hauler. Unfortunately my partner doesn't know how to read. Next turn he just drops a land andpasses immediately. I'm one mana short of winning that turn but I take them to 2, thinking maybe he'll figure it out. He doesn't.

He sits there with open mana and does nothing when the AI Commits his enchanted Hauler. He doesn't even Fog when the AI sends a big flyer at Lili, taking her out. He's still passing instead of running the timer down so I know he's not AFK. I actually felt bad about winning the game next turn. I don't mind carrying noobs if they at least try, but this guy was like "Nah. I got a Guy that grinds my coins for me. Hi, Guy."

I wish i had these stories.
The only stories i have are the ones where i go to find an ally or opponents and is says "loading"
followed by "game is full" or " failed to connect."
but my favorite is when the game just crashes when i start the search:P

Well, I'll offer my earlier, greenhorn self up as a sacrificial lamb, though the only 2HG game against AIs I lost was from bad-to-worse mulligans so I don't quite have the blunders that some of you have seen.

Back in the day my best deck was a Origins with a few Kaladesh Vehicles plus Pia Nalaar. My side of the board got very crowded from a Spy Network. My partner was playing Eldrazi Ramp, but he didn't have any Trample and the AIs kept barfing out chump blockers every turn. Finally, he gets a Drowner of Hope down, taps enough guys for us to swing for lethal...

...And I realize I've had a Pia on field for at least 3 turns. So I should have been pumping my Thopters for the last 3 turns. So far so bad. But now, I have the bright idea to make the Drowner unblockable(you may know where this is going). So as we Alpha strike, I sac a Thopter with Pia....aaaaaand select his Drowner. >_<. Now we're short on lethal because that Thopter was being pumped by a Chief of the Foundry and all I did was make his Drowner unable to block for the turn. Luckily, instead of blocking the Drowner, one of the AIs decided to use his last blocker to crew a Sky Skiff that had been tapped, so the Drowner got in anyway. Nevertheless, I looked like a complete moron to the other guy.

I do have one story regarding the AI. My partner was running a mono-green ramp but we'd gotten into a board stall until he slammed down an Ulamog. The AIs had enough fuel to pump out servos to block, but it couldn't handle the mill. Partner had been(correctly) targeting one AI and whittled him down to 16 cards when we lost the connection and the AI took over. I figure "no problem, one more attack and we're done". But the AI apparently wanted to throw the game and next turn, hits the other opponent who still has 38 cards in it's deck. And of course, next turn, the AI opponents have a Revoke Privileges to stop Ulamog. The game drags out for three more turns until I top deck an Esperzoa(I was using an Izzet artifact deck) and burned them out with an Alchemist's Vial-Reckless Fireweaver combo. Won in the end, but lasted 10 minutes longer than it should have.

Worst thing about random 2hg partners?
Them expecting me to drop cards on my first main phase.
They sit and wait and don't move us forward and we end up looking like dicks from the get go.
Grrrrr.

Finally connected to my first 2HG game last night.

I was playing "Rub Tower" and my ally was playing what i think was supposed to be temur ramp?
we were facing R/B steal/sac and 5c walkers.

My teammate kept a hand of : 2 islands, 4 green spells and 1 r/u spell. Was a good start to the game.
Luckily the opps didn't really do anything until like turn 4 which allowed me to tutor up 1 dynavolt tower and naturally top deck the other.
between drawing 3x disintigration and having 2 towers in play i was able to kill 5 walkers(flip nissa, nahiri, last hope lilly, saheeli and ob.)
I wasn't playing the creatures i had in hand because captain steal/sac was sitting there with a bloodflow connoisseur in play(was still a 1/1 because my ally was doing nothing. so it wasn't a threat and we just let it live)
Eventually my ally drew a forest and started his ramp getting us back into the game.

walkers was out of gas drawing blanks and i proceeded to drop 2 enigma drakes which took the game the following turn.
I have no idea how we won, but we did, was basically 1v2 the whole game besides my partner casting random removal at wrong targets or like burning creatures instead of finishing off walkers when i had removal in hand...

lol this thread is interesting i start to think about building a suicide deck to kill my teammate.

make a bunch of tokens, cast mirrorweave dragon or whatever it is. cast anguished unmaking targeting dragon, profit.

oh man, the comedy opportunities are pretty good if you send your teammate a message first.

"hmmmm... this is starting to look pretty hopeless. But don't worry, if it comes down to it, i'll do us both"

If only you could pick your deck after you know who you partner is going to be. "Oh yeah, its you... you annoy me. Die." That would be a pretty hilarious way to go, too.

Stainless might be partially to blame for that. When I was first starting to play 2HG, I wasn't used to the fact that when you pass priority, you get it back if your partner does anything at all. And the priority icon just goes from very light gray to white - not exactly easy to notice. I was playing with a friend at the time and he was constantly reminding me "I think its on you...". Then again, it could well be a moron who just wants you to play your creeps first before attacking.

Flaky, I won a game against planeswalkers last week.
I was dead to rites, would have been my first loss to walkers in months.
Trying out a new deck (naya tokens)
I had like 3 creatures on the field, mirrorweave dragom and 2 others that arent relevant here lol.

He had tamiyo emblem, 4 walkers and like 2 creatures on the field.
20 life.
He just starts going off making tokens drawing cards casting **** for free.
He gets 7 creatures in play and he casts anguish unmaking on my dragon which then exactly forces him to kill himself lol.

I was literally laughing so hard for like 3 minutes.
I even sent him a gg message out of sportsmanship.

Brilliant! I try not to let it show, but I'm a salty loser and one of my biggest peeves is when someone has the game in the bag and just needs to swing to win but instead they keep dragging it out for as long as possible. I'll make allowances for cautious play or simple lack of awareness, but as soon as it becomes apparent that they are just digijizzing, I'll quit in a heartbeat. So I find your anecdote especially satisfying.

My son was trying a 2HG game last night and got a gem of a partner. The player drew a starting hand with no lands, kept the hand, quit the game. The AI, bless its borderline mentally incompetent self, did not draw a land for four more turns.

The game did not end well.

I legit only pay 2HG with a friend, I am done messing around with randoms, it's not good for my sanity (whatever is left of it).

@soupcannon: that sounds like a "Oh ****! I misclicked! Lets just restart." scenario. WotC's aversion to chat features makes situations like that especially annoying.

@HARBiNG3R: iOS has virtually NO way to add ppl as friends. Apple scrapped their Game Center app in favor of a simple API that other apps could use for adding friends. Unfortunately Stainless never implemented an add friend feature to the iOS version (prolly because the other versions don't require one?) so the best we can do is send invites to specific players. So I just throw my sanity in a blender and slurp it down for dessert every night. Mmmm, sanity smoothie. Sheogorrath's favorite recipe!

It also happened to me one time, my ai partner never played a single land for all the match, but i won the match alone mostly because of kalitas lifegain and making tons of zombies. Having 2 dumb opponents also helped.

Fun format, tricky too. So many partners playing janky vamps/allies and running out of cards by turn 4-5, but people play what they enjoy so w/e.

The biggest shame is: Game is syncing, please wait...

Seems to happen constantly. Just cast Riches to steal a newly resolved Ormendhal. Guy disconnects in response, game is syncing, please wait...

A bit bored of 1v1 atm, but it seems that getting gold in 2HG is up to the whims of the computer as well as not running into an actual pairing with synergistic decks and having a partner who actually looks at the boardstate and both your hands.

I find 2HG to be a really fun format, except for the fact that the game takes three times as long (or worse, if someone sits there, not realizing that the timer is waiting for them to do something with Yahenni). I would love to play more 2HG, but on iOS, it can be a real slog.

not three times, feels like 30 times as long.