Between Hakeem and these drawings leaving NGA, I don't know how I'm supposed to even get an erection anymore
Let me help you, Barnicus.
Ahem.
Lean back with your pants off, and a handful of coconut oil in your "massage" hand. (Coconut oil is great for your skin!) Now, close your eyes and read the following excerpt from my erotic
oeuvre, A Guide to Safe Masturbation.
Follow these tips to avoid compressing the spinal discs or straining your lower back when you are jacking it:
Keep a wide base of support. Your feet should be shoulder-width apart, with one foot slightly ahead of the other (karate stance).
Squat down, bending at the hips and knees only. If needed, put one knee to the floor and your other knee in front of you, bent at a right angle (half kneeling).
Keep good posture. Look straight ahead, and keep your back straight, your chest out, and your shoulders back. This helps keep your upper back straight while having a slight arch in your lower back.
Slowly jack it by straightening your hips and knees (not your back). Keep your back straight, and don't twist as you jack it.
Hold the load as close to your body as possible, at the level of your belly button.
Use your feet to change direction, taking small steps.
Lead with your hips as you change direction. Keep your shoulders in line with your hips as you move.
Set down your load carefully, squatting with the knees and hips only.
Keep in mind:
Do not attempt to jack it by bending forward. Bend your hips and knees to squat down to your load, keep it close to your body, and straighten your legs to jack it.
Never jack a heavy object above shoulder level.
Avoid turning or twisting your body while jacking it or holding a heavy object.