"I"
by Barinellos
Status: Public


The sun's warmth bathe the oceans of our life, my people stretching across the vast space of our world. I could feel it even here, the light of the moon far above a brightness at odds with such a sensation, but through our body, we feel it all the same. I am one, but we are all. We are connected, and yet I am myself. It is as it has always been, and we are happy.

But there is something wrong. I know this for we know this, but I do not know what. Panic stirs our body, and confusion stirs within I. It stirs within all of us, but few know what it is. Our people try to flee, but we are all. I, like all else, try to flee, but there is nowhere to go.

There is something very wrong.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~

I awake.

There is something very wrong. I do not feel us. I do not feel hardly anything at all. The world is hard beneath me, a strange softness against my core. It is all that is here and I do not understand. It is cold, but the light still shines, but darkness is above as well. I feel mana within me and all around, and I call to it. My body begins to grow and the softness on me withers at its touch. I feel life in it, and it flows into me. I understand it now, and I change myself. I become and begin to understand.

But it is not as I am and I am alone. I do not understand.

And I am scared.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

The life is under me. It is all around me, but it is not me. I have come to understand though. My body stretches upwards, sprouting from my core, and the top blooms, reaching for the light far above. The light's soft touch causes a change within my new body, and I feel strength inside. My body grows around my core, shielding that which is I. This place is... alien. There are none like me for as far as the light reaches, and I can feel the sounds around me now, tiny shivers along my body. There is so much different than I. I think of my kin, in our great sea of one and I feel terrible loneliness inside. But there is something else.

I feel a surface that I cannot name. It is like the skin of the sea at home, but in a direction that does not exist. My body reaches out for it and I am suddenly nowhere.

There is no light in this new place, and my body is torn from me, but my core is safe. It is like swimming, this new place, and in the distance that I cannot name, there are things out there. Perhaps one of them is my world.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

I do not find my world. I am someplace new. It is different from the place that I was before, hard and cold upon my core, but I am stronger now. I remember that which I found on the place that was before, and my core thrums with mana. My body reforms and I find that shape once more, a blossom reaching for the soft light above.

Something stirs on the edge of my sight and I stop. It approaches and I have no way to describe it. It is different than me. It is different from even that which I have come to understand. It approaches and nudges me. I do not know how to respond.

It hurts me! It opened and has tried to engulf me. It seeks to join me, but there is pain! I do the only thing I can think of, and seek to join with it. It feels pain as well, and guilt goes through me, but it is too late now. I have begun to understand it and know that it cannot live with what I have done. But I must understand and mana surges through my core, more of my body consuming that which I have joined.

It is... complex. There are no ways I can describe, and suddenly that which I understood before seems simple by comparison. I surge forth, my body consuming the thing that is no longer alive. I do as before and try to recreate that which I have consumed, understanding coming from it. I do not succeed as well as before, but I am alive with understanding I cannot describe. My body's shape is new and I do something that I know is moving, but in a way I have never before. My body holds me up, extremities forming beneath me. They are rudimentary to the beautiful complexity of the thing I consumed, but they give me a precious gift.

I can move now. My core pulses happily with this experience, but in the depths of my core I am still scared. I must know more. I must understand.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Many months later...

I walk amongst them and they stare. I know that I do not look like them, not well enough to fit in, and they recoil from me. I do not blame them. I feel the biting loneliness deep inside myself as well. I would love nothing more than to return home, but I am too different now. The things I have come to understand would scare my people, and now I fear I shall be alone forever.

I do not look like them, but I have begun to understand them better. It has been many worlds and I still do not know enough. I feel guilt that I took the life of as many of them as I have, but I needed to know. I still need to know, but I have discovered something about them. They can exchange knowledge using sound. It is... inaccurate and once more I am overcome with the desire to return home, to share myself with those who are like me. But I am too different now.

The stones all around me are carved with letters, but I do not yet know how to read them. I hope to learn to speak soon, but I must consume more still. There are intricacies within their bodies that I have not yet mastered, but I must no longer take life to understand. They keep their dead and though they decompose as our kind do, it is different. They do not have cores for one.

Amusement runs through me at that, but it is morbid and even I realize that. It must be the graveyard through which I move. I had watched them earlier as they buried the newly dead and I plan to consume it tonight. The pale moonlight is high in the sky and I crane my head above, though I do not need to. It helps me fit in, and though they are not like me, I find I want their company all the same. I want to know what they know. I simply do not wish to be alone, even if I will likely never be as one with them as I could my own people.

The stone near my goal is covered in moss and I consume that, strength pulsing inside once more. The earth beneath my feet is freshly turned and I know that I must have arrived. I do not know why they bury their dead, but to consume, I must first reach it. My body loses shape and I glory in the freedom of at last knowing no form. My body spirals quickly and I dive into the earth, throwing it away as I seep deeper and deeper. My core passes beneath the ground and I can feel my goal beneath, consuming the wood underneath my touch and I break through, filling the box they have placed their dead within. I understand the form well enough, but I must learn of what their chest contains to form the words. It takes quite some time and I am careful as I consume the dead. Finally, only the bones remain and I return to the surface, swimming through the earth until I once more sprout like the flowers that I first understood all those months ago.

It takes some time, and I do bother with the surface details. Excitement runs through my core, the only part of me that seems to survive my travels between the worlds. I have already come to understand that I am unique, even amongst these beings which are different from myself. I am not like my people any longer and I am not like these beings which I seek to understand. My core pulses, and I focus on the task at hand, forming the space inside my throat which will allow me to speak.

The space inside my body swells and I exhale, sound rippling through my body, an unfamiliar sensation that tickles. I can think of only one thing to say.

"I."

The joy that runs through me makes me lose focus, and the complex space within collapses. I let it, knowing I can make it again should I need to. I understand it now. One step closer to understanding what I have become and where I belong. One step closer to connecting again at last.

I choose a new form, something less conspicuous than the body I came in with. Four legs, a tail, the head around my core. It is a beast they call a wolf and sudden inspiration makes me attempt to create the space within. I make the sound I believe the animal should and that strange sound echoes through my body once more. Joy pulses within my core again, but it is a deeper satisfaction and I stalk from the graveyard. There is much more to understand, but it will come in time, and then perhaps I can find something to connect to at last