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[Poem][WIP][Dominia Cabal] Mender and Sunder
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Author:  Tevish Szat [ Sat Jan 31, 2015 1:32 am ]
Post subject:  [Poem][WIP][Dominia Cabal] Mender and Sunder
Did a thing tonight. Start of a thing. Don't know if it's a good thing, so I'd rather like some input if at all reasonably possible. Based on my outline, these are sections 0-III where section X would be the last one.

~0~
To that muse of supreme use
Whose name all worthy poets know
The fleeting fair, beyond compare
And magnificent in inspiration
She holds us dear, we only fear
The loss of that which blesses us
The hope that springs, the bell that rings
And fills the caverns of our minds
What will entrance, without a chance
We souls blessed and cursed with art
The muse that rules we petty fools
Beauty! For you these verses are

~I~
In times of old, when gods were bold
And built their castles on the sand
Splendors fair did fill the air
And lingering twilight end mild days
The golden stair did cast its glare
And illuminate the virgin lands
Painted in green a worthy scene
For any eyes to lay upon
The mountains tall, the forest’s sprawl
The umbral shadows of the bogs
The sea’s bright spray, the fields gay
On this foundation built the gods
They sang and wrought, and wonders caught
And set them high for all to see
And in good time, as goes the rhyme
Then brought the people to see them
Done with their work, then into murk
The olden gods did fade
And shadows came, and nameless shame
And down their gilded towers fell
Then hid we long from horrors strong
And prayed for our salvation
Yet no god heard a single word
Until the Mender arrived among us

~II~
From places far, upon a star
The one we call the Mender came
A goddess strong, we listened long
As she spoke the edicts of her law
The darkness deep, the things that creep
The demons ravaging our homes
Every foul hand laid upon the land
These things she banished far away
Then raised she gold, like days of old
And palaces for all to see
Doors opened wide and would not hide
The splendor there to dwell with in
And then she wove, and mortals strove
Their fate in her tapestry to find
Exalted she who bent their knee
And aided in the reconstruction
And we were taught, and wanted naught
But to do her every will
But smiled she, and set us free
And resolved to live amongst us

~III~
With skin so fair, and golden hair
And eyes that flashed as falling stars
Tall and proud, all who saw vowed
That radiant was the Mender
Her every move, served just to prove
How elegant she was
And stillness showed there was bestowed
All manner of radiance on the Mender
Beyond the sight that set all right
Within the fickle hearts of men
Past all her grace, and noble face
Still radiant was the Mender
For in her mind, there none could find
The least obscenity or flaw
Her wisdom shone throughout her home
With the radiance of the Mender
Not from above flowed her love
For all she laid her eyes upon
And none could lie, and none deny
The radiance of the Mender
Author:  Tevish Szat [ Sat Jan 31, 2015 12:39 pm ]
Post subject:  Re: [Poem][WIP][Dominia Cabal] Mender and Sunder
Having slept on it, I think my biggest problem with my own work here is that it's coming up short, and that due to the structure I set that forces

AA
B
CC
D

With relatively short lines. I might be able to do better with something a little less regimented

Or perhaps I should abandon this one entirely. It might be better left a noodle incident.
Author:  KeeperofManyNames [ Sat Jan 31, 2015 1:14 pm ]
Post subject:  Re: [Poem][WIP][Dominia Cabal] Mender and Sunder
I really like what you've got so far. At the moment I think the strongest sections are probably 0 and III for different reasons. I like that it starts on a slant rhyme and that there's some moments where the meter isn't totally consistent or breaks strategically--it softens the poem up a little in a way that I really like, particularly in the context of the rhyme being hidden within the line. The middle sections feel a little sing-songey to me right now. The final section is as well but the repetition of the sort of virtual stanzas makes it feel more... I dunno, right to me somehow.

The second section is right now probably the weakest to my mind just because I don't think the rhymes in some lines feel quite as natural and the descriptions seem a little more generic? The first section is probably the strongest. There's some stuff in there that feels very fresh to me. It recycles the whole addressing the muse convention in a way that feels somehow personal and conversational while still being lofty? Ah, I don't know, it's tough to articulate but I like it a lot.

I think you're right that being a LITTLE less regimented would be good but maybe that just means allowing for more deviation in the meter and more slant rhymes?
Author:  RavenoftheBlack [ Sat Jan 31, 2015 2:10 pm ]
Post subject:  Re: [Poem][WIP][Dominia Cabal] Mender and Sunder
Admittedly, this is from my own (highly regimented) poetic tastes, but if anything, I would make this MORE regular in terms of rhythm and rhyme. Rather than AA/B/CC/D, while reading it, my mind keeps wanting a payoff rhyme, like AA/B/CC/B. With the broken meters on alternate lines and the lack of rhymes, I keep feeling like you get something going, and then drop it. That is, of course, a matter of taste from someone who writes pretty much entirely in very strict meter.

Now, having said all that, I actually like this a lot! You capture that sort of ancient, flowing form that I think REALLY reflects the subject beautifully. This seems like precisely the way people would have written about a figure like the Mender. And Keeper hit on something I noticed, as well, which is the strength of the sections 0 and III. 0 reads very much like a preamble to a long poem, which is precisely what it is, of course. The repetition of "Radiant/Radiance" in section III every four lines worked pretty well, I thought, and the internal rhymes heightened the overall effect.

I personally think this a project worth pursuing. I think you've got good stuff so far.
Author:  Tevish Szat [ Sat Jan 31, 2015 2:16 pm ]
Post subject:  Re: [Poem][WIP][Dominia Cabal] Mender and Sunder
Since I had the ideas and a little time, here is the Alternate 0 and I, showing a very different style and this a very different poem. It doesn't get to the arrival of the Mender (putting it off to II which really describes it), but it shows off the alternate style.

Frankly, the biggest difference is the line length. The lines in the original are pretty short, which was making it tough to say things on the internal rhyme lines and causing me to worry on if I could really continue it for seven more movements. Being able to say more means being able to delve deeper into imagery, but I'm not sure if it's worth the loss of regimentation. Opinions?

~0~
O Muse to whom all dreamers owe obedience
Who lights the way in darkness of the heart
Filler of hearts with joy and sorrow both
Fleeting yet eternal soul of art
Who built the lofty gold-crowned towers of N’lei
It’s garden walks, fountains of silver light
And drove rude folk to ruin them one day
For whom the lover pines, the singer sings
The actors play, the generals gird for war
To whom sweet voices, brutal clamors ring
Creator of wonders, destroyer of the soul
To that goddess upon whom no two agree
Beauty! These words are offered as your toll

~I~
When light first shone from heavens far
Illuminating all in glowing gold
There came the gods in mighty ships of cloud
And raised the nameless wonders of days old
Through open lands they spread the light of day
And formed fields of amaranth and joy
The waters they did not for long delay
To fill with fish and secrets of the deep
In mountains high they placed their sacred flame
And strength of stone, their fastness there to keep
Then came they to the woods and made them wild
And all the beasts of savagery they wrought
And came to lands by darkness still defiled
And filled the murk with enemies and spite
From all the lands the gods of old did draw
This was their world, and all its life their right
As they saw fit to forge or to take from
And so they built their palaces of sand
And marble pillars, heavens for their dome
And marvels tall but ever far away
And reveled there and laughed and sang and cried
And in their joy determined were to stay
Until at last they knew they were alone
And thought they long of what they then might do
And then made men to worship and to moan
And marvel at their many-splendored works
Enjoy them not, but only from afar
Cower in fear from what in darkness lurks
Then grew they old and bored of such a thing
And long ago they passed away
The echo of unanswered prayers to ring
Author:  OrcishLibrarian [ Sun Feb 01, 2015 11:57 pm ]
Post subject:  Re: [Poem][WIP][Dominia Cabal] Mender and Sunder
For what it's worth, Tevish, I like both of the versions you've done, even though they both have very different feels to them. I'd be delighted to read more of either one!
Author:  KeeperofManyNames [ Mon Feb 02, 2015 12:16 am ]
Post subject:  Re: [Poem][WIP][Dominia Cabal] Mender and Sunder
Aaah wow. I like this new version a lot. o_o I mean I already said how much I liked the old version of 0 but I think I might actually like this one even more? I really did not expect you to be able to top the strength of the original, honestly, but man, this is really some cool stuff. What sold me was the sudden swerve when it throws in the idea that the destruction of the city was also a product of the muse's inspiration. That was an exciting idea. It was something you sort of hinted at I felt in the first version but making it explicit here was like a glass of ice water, it was so refreshing :D

Part 1 here is great. It's far less singsongy than the original version was. Freeing things up a little helped a lot I'd say in giving it sort of an old lyrical feel and I love the imagery. Some of the stuff in the original felt almost like it was in there just for the sake of the rhyme scheme, but here I have a much stronger sense of the world itself.
Author:  Tevish Szat [ Mon Feb 23, 2015 10:58 pm ]
Post subject:  Re: [Poem][WIP][Dominia Cabal] Mender and Sunder
~II~
The seasons turned, the works of gods decayed
Shadows from the darkest places seeped
Fears made real, screaming through the dark
As about the feeble light things creeped
The silver was all black and tarnished then
And in the vacant halls a dark wind howled
And monsters rose from each and every den
This was our way, all things decayed and aged
And all things fair were turned into the foul
The world fell to rot yet never changed
Until the Mender came to us at last
Banished the dark and swept away our fears
The tarnish cleared, restored glories long past
From places far away the Mender came
And little spoke of those domains far
To cure the lands before her was her aim
Back to the darkness horrid things she drove
Blighted land made bloom in brightness fair
And ever ‘gainst the creeping darkness strove
Ever amongst her people stayed she long
And taught us ways of magic and of peace
And in her wake came mirth and feast and song
By mortal hands were raised new citadels
At her instruction and by her design
In deep valleys and up into the fells
To the Mender, kingdoms like children stood
Petulant, in need of wisdom and grace
And so she humored them as best she could
The Mender taught to us what was her will
That we might live without the need for gods
Yet now we are but older children still
Author:  RavenoftheBlack [ Wed Mar 04, 2015 4:13 pm ]
Post subject:  Re: [Poem][WIP][Dominia Cabal] Mender and Sunder
@Part II - I like a lot of your imagery in the beginning, and I love the last three lines. My own taste for regular rhythm and rhyme scheme made it difficult for me to get into this, though. At first it seems like you're setting up a standard ABCB rhyme scheme, but that's thrown out by the seventh line. Then, because you rhyme lines 5 and 7, I thought maybe you were going for an ABCBDEDF rhyme scheme, which I thought was odd, but workable. But then the near-rhymes of "howled" and "foul" and "aged" and "changed" threw me off. Now, without the first line, you have a somewhat interesting system of tercets in an ABA rhyme scheme, but by breaking that in the first line, before it was established, it really lost me, personally. But as I've set, I like things regular.

I would also like to mention your interesting choice of using no end punctuation, which I hadn't noticed before. I'm not sure what exactly to make of that, but I do find it interesting.

Thanks for posting!
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