. I've had it in my head for a while now to do an MST3k-style fanfic, riffing on my own work, and I've finally decided to pull the trigger. So, below, you will find my loving send-up to a classic show, re-contextualized, naturally, to the Magic Multiverse. This was really fun to write (although a pain to format...) so I don't know if I'll do another one, but I wouldn't be surprised if it happens at some point in the future. Also, any other fans of MST should feel welcome to use these characters to riff away, if they so choose.
Magic Surveillance Team: “Dead Man ‘Walking”
Hobb:
Hello, everyone, and welcome to the Sepulcher of Looking. Well, maybe I should bring you all up to speed. You see, the evil Scienthist Overlords have trapped me in this tomb, and they’re forcing me to witness strange events of the past, hoping to learn about planes and planeswalkers and all this other weird stuff. They think they can use it to conquer our whole plane of Feutia, although they’ve never been able to adequately explain how…Deker:
Hobb, what are you doing? Spectre:
Yeah, who are you talking to? Hobb:
Well, I’m talking to the nice people at home, see? Spectre:
Uh, Hobb? You’re pointing at a wall. Hobb:
No, no, I’m talking about the people behind the wall. Deker:
The people…behind…the wall. Hobb, are you feeling okay? Hobb:
Of course I am, I’m just fine. I just want the people, oh! I needed to tell the people about you two! Spectre: (laughing uncomfortably)
Yeah…the people need to know about us… (to Deker)
He’s completely lost it! Deker:
Yeah, I never realized human minds are so fragile! Hobb: (to us)
You see, the Scienthists apparently didn’t want me observing the past alone, so they stuck me in here with a mutant and a ghost to keep me company. Spectre:
I’m not a ghost! Deker:
You’re transparent, you fly, and you don’t eat or sleep. How are you not a ghost? Spectre:
Shut up, Deker! At least I’m not a gold-plated Spider-Duck! Deker:
Hey! I’m glorious and beautiful and majestic. And my butt’s silky. Spectre:
I did NOT need to know that. Hobb:
They don’t always get along so well, folks. Spectre:
There’s nobody there, Honey. Maybe you should just go lay down for a while. Hobb:
No, Spectre, don’t you get it! I’m trying to get out of here! Deker:
By talking to a wall? Hobb:
No! Look, the evil Scienthist Overlords have us locked in the Sepulcher, right? Deker:
Yeah…Hobb:
And we don’t have the tools to get out, right? Spectre:
Right. Hobb:
Well, there you go! I’m talking to the audience to try to break down the fourth wall! Once it’s down, we can all get out of here! We’ll be free of Mudgram and Candide forever! Deker:
… Spectre:
… Hobb:
What? Spectre:
Hobb, that’s the stupidest thing you’ve ever said, and you’ve said enough stupid things to fill the Library of Lat-Nam! Hobb:
Hey! Deker:
Spec’s right, Hobb. You should be ashamed. Hobb:
But, I, uh, I mean, the fourth wall…Spectre:
We’ll be right back folks, while we explain idioms to this idiot. Deker:
Now you’re doing it! Spectre:
Oh, right. * * *
Spectre:
…and that’s why your unparalleled stupidity will preclude you from any chance at true happiness, Hobb. Hobb: (nodding)
Okay, I guess. Oh, look, the Scienthists are contacting us. Eyegor, could you project the evil Overlords for us? Thanks. Mudgram:
Ah, Hobb! Tremble and quake in fear, for it is I, Mudgram, the De-Forester! Scourge of the Feutia Woods and leveler of mighty forests! Hobb:
Oh, we are. Trembling, sir. Definitely. Candide: (disinterestedly)
And I am the great Candide of Tempus Velum (yawns)
he who peers through the veil of time and, I don’t know, does something else. Deker:
Ah, yeah…we’re, um, shaking. Candide: (concerned)
Oh, really? Is it too cold in the Sepulcher? Maybe we should send them some blankets or something, Mud. Mudgram:
Silence! (to Candide)
I’ll deal with you later. (to Hobb)
And you, my shaking little toad, you’re in there for a reason! I need to know more about these other planes I’ve heard about. I need to know more about these planeswalkers. They’re the key to my taking my rightful place as the Grand Lord Emperor King of Feutia! Spectre:
Isn’t that a bit redundant? Deker:
And kind of a lot of work? Hobb:
Quiet, you’ll anger the Earl Baron Duke Count. Mudgram:
Silence! Now, start your surveillance! I’m going to use the magic of that Naga witch Vagabond I’ve stuck in there with you to project you into the past. Remember that you won’t actually be there, so don’t bother trying to touch things…(looking at Deker)
or people! Hobb:
You mean, like you do every time? Mudgram:
Like I do…every…time. (he pauses)
Shut Up! Candide, start the spell! Candide:
Uh, yes, your profound evilness. (to Vagabond, standing next to Hobb.)
Uh, Vagabond? Would you be a sweetheart and start casting? Vagabond:
Well, since you asked so nicely. (starts casting the spell as the Sepulcher of Looking dissolves away.)
Hobb:
Here we go again! (Sepulcher fades.)
* * *
Dead Man 'Walking
A planar ban is a hard piece of magic. (Deker: Well, with that kind of attitude, it is!) Even in the old days, my kind found it difficult to pull off, and nearly, if not completely, impossible to maintain. (Hobb: So keep it in an airtight jar beneath your bed.) But if you know what you're doing, (Spectre: Which is unlikely) and the plane you're working with is small enough, (Deker: No larger than a thimble, please!) and the only other living thing on that plane is another planeswalker willing to help you, they can still be accomplished. Well, I know what I'm doing. (Spectre: You wanna tell us, please?) The Amphiseum is a tiny, tiny plane. (Hobb: And it smells like apples!) And the only other person here is Grawl Hulok, and he hates my guts. (Deker: But he LOVES some of the other bits.)
My name's Eristi, (Hobb: I’m Hobb!) (Spectre: I’m Spectre!) (Deker: I’m lonely! (looks at Hobb and Spectre) Sorry.) and I don't have the best of luck with people. Some people call me a vixen, some a harlot, and some call me names I won't repeat, because they might hurt my feelings if I decide to have some today. (Hobb: I…huh?) Several planes have even gone so far as to label me a mass-murdering psychopath! Can you believe that? (Hobb: No.) (Deker: No.) (Spectre: Yes.) I hardly think a few hundred deaths here or there counts as "mass-murder," when you think of the impossible number of people who live across the planes. And besides, psychopaths don't have reasons for their actions. I do. (Hobb: You know, guys, she might not be as nice as she looks.) (Deker: NOBODY is as nice as she looks.)
We all have our passions. (Spectre: Hehehe. Oh.) Some people love forests, birds, and all that other nature crap. (Hobb: No wonder Mudgram wants us to see this…) Some love books, and reading, and boring themselves to death as their bodies rot away. (Spectre: Too late for that.) Some people love rotting bodies away! But me, I love a good fight. (Deker: Oh, you mean like when you eat too much cheese and it gets hard to…) (Hobb: Stop that!) (Deker: Sorry…) A nice, old-fashioned duel to the death, one-on-one, no tricks, no interference, no mercy. I spend months, years, even, searching for adequate opponents. (Spectre: Admittedly, I could use a hobby.) Problem is, most of them won't agree to fight me face to face. (Hobb: They seem to prefer face to kneecap, for some reason…) Most of them are cowards, unwilling to risk their lives only to take mine. These people require a little... convincing. (Deker: Hehehe, yeah, like a brand new soup ladle.) And the deaths of a few hundred people they care about usually does the trick. (Deker: Oh.) It did for Grawl Hulok, anyway.
I first met him almost six months ago. (Hobb: I remember it like it was six months ago.) He was defending some village against a small horde of rampaging devils that I may or may not have released. (Spectre: It’s hard to remember things. Tee hee.) Sometimes you just have to throw out these little tests from time to time. Minor nuisances like burning several dozen people alive (Hobb: See, to me a ‘minor nuisance’ is, I don’t know, misplacing something, or tripping on an exposed root. Not so much wholesale immolation.) always seem to draw in the type of man I look for. Strong, brave, powerful, and with that ludicrous notion of nobility that always makes them do something stupid. (Deker: Is that why you do stupid things, Hobb?) (Hobb: No!) (Spectre: Yeah, he doesn’t need a reason.) (Hobb: Hey!) Anyway, after two or three villages went up in flames, Grawl showed up. And, I admit, made short work of those poor little devils. (Deker: Oh, won’t somebody PLEASE think of the devils?!?)
I had found my next partner. Grawl was not quite what I had expected, but close enough. He was a big, lumbering, hulk of a man, like most of them were, but he was actually the very first Ogre planeswalker I had ever met. (Hobb: Probably because you don’t smell like ale, sweat, and rotten cabbage.) Big for a man but small for an Ogre, Grawl had apparently forsaken the more endearing demeanor of his kind, (Spectre: You know, murder, pillage, bouts of all-night hardcore ballet dancing…) and was on some personal quest to make amends for his race, or some sort of nonsense. He told me all this while I was trying to bed him, so I wasn't really listening. (Deker: Hobb, how would that work?) (Hobb: Well, you see, when a psychopath loves a huge, hideous ogre very much…) (Spectre: Stop.) (Deker: No, keep going. And don’t leave out any of the filthy details.)
What surprised me most, though, was when he turned me down! (Deker: That dastard!) Now, I've been turned down before, and it doesn't bother me much. I mean, as a rule, I kill more people because of it, (Hobb: Well, sure. Wait, what?) but usually the more serious an opponent is about his nobility or whatever, the harder it is to seduce him. (Deker: I couldn’t care less about nobility! Seduce me!) But the seduction is just for fun, and because they feel more of a betrayal, which makes it more likely they'll try to kill me, which is just what I want. (Spectre: I’m starting to get the feeling that this woman isn’t quite right in the head.) But Grawl's an Ogre! Getting rejected by a creature usually known for being ruled by its basest urges is impressive, and a little insulting.
What happened next was hard to say, my memory gets a little fuzzy sometimes. (Deker: Like fluffy little bunny tails!) I know that something happened where some children went missing on his home plane, some specific Ogres were blamed for it, and it's just possible that a tall, red-haired woman who looks a lot like me convinced the mob to burn the entire Hulok clan at the stake. (Hobb: This is your story, lady! Shouldn’t you know how it goes?) It's hard to say for sure. (Spectre: Apparently not…) Anyway, Grawl was a little miffed the next time I saw him, and seemed particularly upset with me. Like I told him, sometimes a girl just needs to dance! Is it my fault I happened to be dancing on his family's shallow grave? (Hobb: Um, yes?) He takes things so seriously!
I told Grawl I would fight him if he wanted, and that I knew the perfect place where we wouldn't be disturbed. He said I was already disturbed, (Deker: Ohh, zing.) but I'm a lady, so I chose to ignore it. The firestorm that hit that nearby Ogre village later that day was completely unrelated. (Hobb: Hey! Maybe I’m reading into things, but I don’t think they were unrelated at all!) (Spectre: You’re so suspicious, Hobb. Oh, I’m Hobb, and everyone’s out to get me! It’s just like it was when you told us the Scienthist Overlords were planning to trap you in the Sepulcher.) (Hobb: But, they did trap me in the Sepulcher!) (Deker: Will you two pipe down? I’m trying to listen to psycho-girl’s inner monolog here!) Anyway, for the second time, Grawl turned me down. He said he wasn't going to fight me, he was just going to get on with his life. (Deker: Wonder how that went.) He gave a reasonable argument, and so when I sent stronger demons to destroy the next town, I had them burn Grawl's name into their fields... and then salt the ground so nothing would grow there again. Okay, I admit that might have been a tad much, (Hobb: No, no. It’s perfectly reasonable because you had a bad hair day.) but it's important to let people know how you feel. (Spectre: Maybe a strongly worded letter might have been a nice, intermediate step.)
Grawl came to find me after that. I guess he got my message. That's good. It's always nice to know the lines of communication are open. (Deker: Maybe she had never heard of letters.) The big man was grunting and breathing heavy and threatening to do all sorts of nasty things to me, which I count as a victory. At least he was finally acting like an Ogre instead of some overgrown squire who had read one too many fairy tales growing up. (Hobb: I think Eristi’s fairy tales are like “The Murderous Changeling.” “The Fairy’s Curse.”) (Spectre: “The Kids Who Deserved It.”) (Deker: “The Little Girl Who’s Toes Were Cut Off By Fairies.”) (Hobb: I actually like that one. It has a good moral: Don’t have toes.) Grawl tried to attack me there, but I'm smarter than that! (Spectre: I made him attack me somewhere else!) A spell I stole from one of my first partners in that deathly dance keeps me more or less insubstantial when I want to be. (Deker: Hey, she’s a ghost, too! Maybe this is your big chance, Spectre!) (Spectre: Uh, no thanks, Deker. I may be a ghost, but I still want to live!) It actually pulls in AEther and infuses it with my body. The only way to stop the spell is to block the passage of AEther, and there was only one place that Grawl could do that. (Hobb: Unfortunately, I couldn’t pronounce it!)
I stumbled on the Amphiseum quite by accident one day while I was fleeing from a planeswalker who was mad about something or another. (Deker: I think someone stole his sweet roll.) I think it had to do with a forest fire that sort of destroyed his ecosystem, but I don't remember. (Spectre: Mudgram, ahoy!) Anyway, it turns out that this one was a lot stronger than I had originally guessed, and I didn't really feel like dying. He probably chased me through a dozen planes before I found myself in the Amphiseum. It was so small (Hobb: How small was it?) I thought he wouldn't find me, but he did. (Hobb: Huh. That’s not a very good punchline, is it?) (Spectre: No.) In hindsight, I'm glad. It was his idea to fight one-on-one, and the planar ban I still use to this day? He taught it to me. (Deker: Yeah, people often take time out from a red-haze bloodlust quest for vengeance to teach spells to the people they hate.) That was the toughest fight I've had so far, too. Almost killed me. I miss him sometimes, which is probably why I keep his skull as the centerpiece of the Amphiseum. (Hobb: Well, it matches the décor.)
I don't pretend to know much about the Amphiseum. (Spectre: That’s the small, circular thing that tastes like butter, right?) Its name is carved in the high stone arches, (Deker: But once the drugs wear off, I’ll ask them about it.) which is how I learned it, but other than that, there are no special markings. All I know is that it's a massive Arena, and could seat hundreds, probably thousands of people, but there are no people on this plane. (Hobb: Only thousands upon thousands of muskrats.) And there is no plane beyond this arena. I've looked, and it doesn't exist. The Amphiseum is open air, so I know both the air and a sun exist here, (Spectre: ‘Cause it’s bright, and I can breathe and stuff) but apart from that, nothing exists outside these walls. My only guess is that this entire plane was constructed by some powerful 'walker centuries ago, (Deker: Who was bored out of his ever-lovin’ mind.) very likely for the exact reason I've been using it. (Hobb: To store shoes.) Duels to the death between the most powerful beings in existence. (Spectre: So, muskrats are the most powerful beings in existence, huh?) Simply exhilarating.
I can see now that Grawl's growing impatient. (Deker: He’s tapping his feet and making little sundial shadow puppets with his hands!) It's time for our dance. I'm expecting big things from this partner. Oh, I've spent longer cultivating a partner for the Amphiseum, (Hobb: Like that Flower man from the Garden Plane…) but still, six months is a hefty investment of time. (Spectre: But if everything works out, just think how much time you’ll get back in interest.) I have found, for the most part, that the easier it is to goad them into action, the bigger disappointment they tend to be. But Grawl Hulok is ready, he's mad, and I know he's powerful. This should be fun. (Deker: In a relative sense, of course.)
Grawl and I approach one another in the center of the Amphiseum. His right eye is twitching. (Hobb: I offered him eyedrops immediately, out of my deep, abiding concern for his well-being.) That's not good, his rage might blind him, make him too easy to kill. Then again, Ogre's fuel themselves off of anger and hate. (Deker: And thirteen varieties of moldy cheese!) He might still make a good partner. As we approach the skull podium, Grawl speaks, and I can feel the daggers in his voice. (Spectre: And we thought you had bad breath, Hobb!) (Hobb: Hey!) Almost time now.
"Well, witch? Are you ready to pay for your sins." (Deker: Yeah, yeah, how much do I owe this time? Ten? Twenty?)
I laugh. That's pretty funny, even if I have heard it several times before. "Nearly, Grawl, nearly. Just one piece of business first. (Hobb: We need to choose the floral patterns) We need to cast the planar ban. (Spectre: Which, you’ll remember, is a hard piece of magic, and was difficult even in the old days. But, when you know what you’re doing…) (Hobb: Yes, alright, we get it.) That way no one else can get in, and neither of us can get out. Until one of us is dead, that is."
"Your death breaks the spell?" he asks. So cute, that optimism. (Deker: His face, on the other hand…)
"Or yours, Grawl Hulok. The nature of the spell requires us both to live to maintain the enchantment. One dies, one 'walks away." (Hobb: Dibs on walking away…)
Grawl takes a sudden step right up to me, as if he could touch me yet. Still, if he wants to try to get intimidating, let him. I've got time. (Spectre: See, I told you it would pay off once the investment matures.)
"You will die, Eristi. I will 'walk."
This makes me smile. "Dead man 'Walking? I doubt it." (Deker: Hey, leave the wise-cracks to us, lady.)
The big man holds his position for a few seconds, then steps back. I think he realizes I could kill him now, before the ban breaks my spell and forces me to remain physical. (Hobb: Yeah! Let’s get physical.) (Spectre: Calm down, Hobb. You can’t touch her anyway.) (Hobb: Oh, right. I need to speak to the Overlords about that.) (Deker: Yeah, I’m sure they’ll listen.) That is the part I hate about this, being forced to drop my protection rather than choosing to, but then again, it's also the entire point. (Hobb: Yeah, that’s, what?) Killing Grawl now means nothing. It would be no different than those villagers or the Hulok clan. (Spectre: Except for the fact that we have to watch it…) And sure, I could drop the spell myself and fight him, but if he gets the upper hand, I might panic and 'walk, or panic and become untouchable again. Where's the danger in that? (Deker: Mana burn?) (Hobb: I don’t think that’s really a thing.) (Deker: Yeah, well, I don’t think you’re a thing!) Where's the thrill? With the ban in place, I either kill or I am killed. There is no third option. (Spectre: You could come to a complex mutual epiphany of understanding with one another.) And nothing excites me more than that.
Without a word, I begin casting the spell. (Deker: Well, unless you count the words of the spell, I mean…) In a moment, Grawl will follow along instinctively. (Hobb: Yeah, most species are born with an instinct to cast complex magical spells they’ve never learned.) I've infused the spell into this place so I don't need to waste time teaching it to my partners. (Hobb: Oh.) (Spectre: Yeah, not don’t you feel silly, Hobb? I think you owe the nice psychopath a little apology, don’t you?) (Hobb: Well, no, honestly.) He'll know what he has to do, and merely by being here, I know he's already willing to do it. The seconds tick by, (Deker: Tick by? I don’t see any clocks…) the spell is woven, and then, suddenly, I feel it. (Hobb: A giant caterpillar on my leg! Eww.) I feel that sense of falling and landing in myself. I'm physical again, (Spectre: I can finally get that wax out of my ears.) and now nothing stands between me and my death except my own skill and cunning. This is what I've waited for. This is what I live for. What a rush.
Speaking of a rush, Grawl is running straight at me. (Deker: Maybe, I didn’t really think this through…) With a little squeal of glee, I dive to my right and fling a fireball in his face. Weak spell, but I've got to start somewhere. A magical shield materializes around Hulok and the fireball evaporates, harmlessly. (Hobb: But it probably bugged him a little bit…) Not terribly surprising, but still mildly annoying, so I remind myself to burn down a small town later. (Spectre: She really hates small towns, doesn’t she?) (Hobb: Well, when she was a child, a small town ran over her dog.) (Spectre: Ah.) Now, though, I'm running. (Hobb: Hard to argue with her) (Deker: Yes, after careful observation of what’s happening, I think she is definitely running.) Grawl is sending shafts of light at me, and they look pretty sharp. Also, he's faster than I thought. With a quick mental command, I cause a perfectly balanced explosion at my feet, sending me rocketing into the air and backwards. (Spectre: Do you think she did that on purpose?) (Hobb: She seems to think so…) I've been using this spell since before I first 'walked, and it almost always works. (Deker: And when it doesn’t, that…really sucks.) I land on my feet well behind Grawl as he stumbles to a stop. (Deker: Look out for the muskrat scat.) (Hobb: How many times do I have to ask you not to use the word ‘scat?’) (Deker: (laughing) A few more, I guess!)
May as well use the opportunity while I have it. I outstretch my arms (Spectre: And offer him a big, big hug.) as they burst into flames, (Deker: Usually, hugs don’t do much for me, but this one looks pretty hot.) (Hobb: That’s your second warning, Deker.) (Deker: What?) and with three sharp words, I send a massive wave of fire at Grawl. I don't think it'll be enough to kill him, but it should take care of his shield. I'm trying to decide what to finish the lumbering fool with when he bursts through the wall of flames, his mystical barrier still shimmering in pristine condition. (Spectre: It was like he just washed it or something!) This could be trouble. I'm trying to get a read on his face when I notice the glow of his hands.
OUCH! Okay, that hurt! I don't know what that sphere of light he hit me with was, but damn, my stomach is killing me. (Hobb: It was the ancient, mystical hunger-bomb. Now she just needs a little snack.) I need to run, but which way? Oh, hell, here comes another one! I dive to my left this time, and force myself to my feet, but the pain in my gut is immense. (Spectre: I just really need to eat something! This minor discomfort is a mild nuisance to me.) (Deker: Well, coming from a woman who considers groups of people being burned alive to be a mild nuisance, that probably means a lot.) I need to think of something, and fast. (Hobb: Oh, I got it! No, wait, that’s mathematics.) Without stopping to remember the last time, I summon a half-dozen devils to attack. Usually I can pull one or two dozen at a time, but I'm hurt, and the planar ban always makes summoning more difficult. (Spectre: And I don’t FEEL like it right now, OKAY!) I glance over at Grawl, who's created a sword of light, and he's hacking my poor devils in two. (Deker: Hey, some of them seem to be in three or four!) I should have known better, he defeated them easily that day we first met.
I'm running out of time. (Spectre: You didn’t properly reinvest, did you?) I need something big, something that can break through that damnable shield. I have one option, but is there time? (Spectre: I told you you should have saved up for a rainy day.) (Hobb: Will you let that die?) As Grawl cleaves the last of my devils in half, I can't think of anything else. My mind is blanking. This is the feeling I've been looking for, the feeling I had the first time I ever fought in the Amphiseum. (Deker: That feeling when you recognize someone’s face, but the only name you can think of is close, but you know it’s not quite right?) This is fear. (Deker: Oh. I was close…) If I can't find some way to kill Grawl, he'll kill me. No third option. In the depths of my mind I know there must be a better spell, but it's not coming to me. I cast it, and nothing happens. (Spectre: Ohh, that’s gotta hurt.)
Grawl has his vision pinned on me again, and I swear, I think I see him smile. Oh, hell. Time to run. I turn around and start to sprint, and it looks like I'll put some distance between the two of us. I just need to buy some time before...AHH! What the hell was that? I ran straight into a damn wall, but there's no wall here. (Hobb: No, that’s gotta hurt.) As I pick myself up, and put my hand forward, and I feel it, a wall of solid air, placed directly in my path. As I turn around to face my partner, currently leading in this particular dance, I feel a sharp, searing pain unlike anything I've ever felt! (Deker: I’d say that’s the one that really hurt.) I can't even describe it, it hurts so much! (Hobb: It’s like a whole bunch of hurty things are hurting together for one great big hurt!) (Deker: Nice, Hobb.) (Spectre: Very Eloquent). One of Grawl Hulok's spears of light is lodged in my side, a solid object now pumping pain into my body. My vision blurs for a second, and I feel myself slump to the ground, my back against the invisible wall.
My opponent has me now, and he knows it. But Grawl is not as big of a fool as I wish he were, because he's coming on slowly, cautiously. (Hobb: Yeah, hurry it up, huh?) My mind is spinning, and I can't concentrate. I must have spells that could save me, but I can't think of them, the pain is too great, the fear too thick. (Deker: Like sweet, sweet honey.) This dance is coming to an end. I knew Grawl would serve well as a partner, but perhaps he is serving a bit too well. I didn't want to die, I just wanted to know that I could. (Hobb: Well, couldn’t you have just asked somebody, instead of burning several villages to the ground?) Finally certain it's safe, Grawl steps right up to me. He grabs the shaft of light, and I know what's coming. (Deker: You stole this! It mine!) I scream as he yanks it out of me. He's there now, standing above me with his glowing sword in his hand, his dark eyes narrowed at me.
"I've won your game, Eristi. I don't pretend to know why you've committed the evils you have, (Spectre: Or why you haven’t committed the evils you haven’t!) but now I see to it you commit no more. Let my family and the other innocents you've wronged be avenged." (Hobb: It’s always a good idea to taunt your blood enemies instead of killing them quickly.)
I look up at my partner, proud and scared. I want to say something to him, to rob him of his moment, or to haunt him for the rest of his life, (Deker: You know, something like “Oh, yeah?” or “How appropriate, you fight like a cow!”) but nothing comes. I can think of no clever words to do the damage that I cannot. (Spectre: Except the word ‘Irregardless.’ That just hurts everybody.) But then, oh, then, I feel it. (Deker: The general malaise of our generation.) A soft click in my mind that tells me my spell is ready. I look up at Grawl and smile. "May the Huloks rest in peace. Every last one of them." (Hobb: Every one? Haha, but I’m a Hulok, and you don’t see me…oh.)
This confuses Grawl for a moment, (Spectre: Yeah, but so does chewing his food, so…) and then I see him look upward as a shadow falls over him. His face contorts to one of shock as the massive meteor crashes down on his skull, shattering both his precious shield and his bones. (Deker: I did NOT see that coming.) If not for my careful protection against my own spells, I'd have died with him. As it is, though, I felt the rumble as the meteor shook the ground, but that was all. That was a close one. I shut my eyes, and I don't even have time to reactivate my intangibility spell before I pass out from the pain in my side. (Hobb: But, there’s no reason you would have to. After all, you won, and that’s the end of it.)
* * *
I gradually feel myself return to consciousness, but something is wrong. (Deker: Hobb, did we just black out with her, or what?) (Hobb: I guess, since we’re supposed to be observing people, if no one’s there doing anything to observe, the spell sort of…skips it?) (Spectre: That seems odd. Maybe we should ask the Overlords when we get back.) (Deker: What, and make these longer?) (Spectre: Good point.) What is it? A presence? Voices? Something strange is going on. I try to reach out to my spell, but a sharp pain in my mind stops me.
"What is this, dear brother?" I hear a woman's voice say. (Hobb: Woah. She’s hot.) (Spectre: So’s he. Look, he’s steaming.) (Deker: Literally.)
"I am not certain, sister," a man answers. "It would appear that someone has found our Amphiseum, and without an invitation." (Hobb: Um, nobody tell these two that we’re here without an invitation, too, okay?) (Spectre: Good plan, Hobb.)
"Yes," the woman replies, "and it appears she has made quite the mess of the place. This simply will not do." (Deker: Oh, no! They’re inter-planar maids!)
"No," agrees the man. "We had best take care of this now." (Hobb: Or we can sit on it for a while. Either way.)
I don't know what's happening, but I'm not going to allow it. I've fought too long and too hard to just lay down and die. "I don't know who you are, but..."
"Do not be insolent, child," the woman interrupts me. "You have nothing more to fear." (Spectre: Well, that’s not entirely true…)
"Ever," adds the man. (Hobb: See.)
We'll see about that. "But I..." (Deker: Ohh, that looks painful!)
(Hobb:
Yeah, let’s get out of here...)
(The Amphiseum fades back into the Sepulcher of Looking.)
* * *
Hobb:
Well, that was a bleak, depressing look at the past, wasn’t it, guys? Spectre:
You can say that again. Just what do you figure the Scienthist Overlords are going to learn from that, anyway? Deker:
Umm, never intentionally trap yourself with someone who wants to kill you? Hobb:
Never drop a meteor on your own head? Spectre:
Never steal and then vandalize a strange plane you know nothing about, because its rightful owners might come back and brutally destroy you? Hobb:
You know, guys? Sometimes, I don’t think they learn anything from these Lookings. Sometimes I think they only do it to torture us. Why, I don’t think they care about conquering the world at all! Mudgram:
How dare you! If you weren’t trapped in that Sepulcher, I’d smite you with my anger. Candide:
Yeah! Deker:
Oh, big talk, coming from out there! Spectre:
Yeah! Oh, I’m the Great Mudgram the De-Forrester! I’m so powerful. I can smite anyone but I choose not to. Hobb:
Yeah, Candide. If you think he can smite us, just push that button that opens the Sepulcher, and we’ll come find you and let you prove it. Candide:
Okay, fine! I will! Then you’ll see some real smiting! Mudgram:
Candide! Stop that, they’re just trying to get out again! Spectre:
Well, it almost worked, guys. Hobb:
We’ll get them some day. Mudgram:
If you three keep this up, next time I’ll make you sit through another Mel Odrum moment! Deker and Spectre:
We’ll be good! Hobb:
He’s only bluffing, guys. Nobody is that evil. Mudgram:
Don’t count on it, Hobb-ler. I think we got what we came for. Push the button, Candide. Candide:
I thought you didn’t want me to let them out. Mudgram:
Not that button! The one that ends this whole thing! Candide:
We have one of those? Mudgram:
Argh!
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