Haltia, a world of lush forests to the south, mighty mountains to the north, and the vast plains that also have some elements of the other two in the center. Lakes small and massive also dot the landscape, each with it's own ecosystem, life forms, and denizens. Haltia has three main sentient factions, the foxes of the lakes and forests, the wolves of the mountains and caverns that run underneath Haltia, and the humans of the plains. Each coexisted in relative piece for centuries and Haltia was full of life and wonder. Well, it was full, but two years ago, mysterious killings had started happen. Figures of relative power were found dead. Panic ensued, and finger pointing began to arise. It got so bad that hostilities and tensions got higher than it had been before. Eventually, the tipping point was passed, and everyone declared war on each other. Haltia is suffering greatly for it, and the great ancient spirits, that were said to be like gods, had abandoned everyone. Whether out of sheer disgust or their inability to do anything about this nobody knows, but at this point, I guess everyone else doesn't really care anymore. Here I am, sitting on my bed in my room, wondering why, why would someone or something cause all this. I may live with the wolves, but the thing is, I'm not one. I don't really know what I what truthfully, only knowing that someone came to my dad in desperate plea to take me and protect me. I've lived here all my life, all sixteen years of it so far. I guess I am lucky that my dad also happens to be the king of the wolves. No, I'm not kidding, the king. He normally is very tough and stern, but he sure has a soft spot for me, hehe. *sigh* Lately though, with the war and all, he's been out a lot, leading the front lines when needed. I've been under the watch and care under a close friend of his for these 2 years. Now the other wolves, well, they haven't really been the nicest to me, and it's gotten worse ever since the war started. Whether or not out of stress or opportunity I'll probably never know. Despite the bullying though, I've found peace in music, the softer, more relaxing kind. I found that, after finding an old guitar in a closet, that I actually can play. Well, I wouldn't be calling myself the best there is though, but I keep playing anyways, just to find peace in these times. Fortunatly, things have been slowing way down in this war as it's been reduced to just small skirmishes here and there, but I doubt this relative peace will last too long. Anyways, I hope that one day I can really do something else than just sit here, but since the others won't let me even come close to the weapons or let me train for that matter, I guess I'll just have to wait longer. How much longer though...
Chapter 1: A girl in a war torn world
My name is Coria, and I am but just a teenage girl in a war torn world. My home is Haltia, a world of lush forests to the south, mighty mountains to the north, and the vast plains that also have some elements of the other two in the center. Lakes small and massive also dot the landscape, each with it's own ecosystem, life forms, and denizens. Haltia has three main sentient factions, the foxes of the lakes and forests, the wolves of the mountains and caverns that run underneath Haltia, and the humans of the plains. Each coexisted in relative piece for centuries and Haltia was full of life and wonder. Well, it was full, but two years ago, mysterious killings had started happen. Figures of relative power were found dead. Panic ensued, and finger pointing began to arise. It got so bad that hostilities and tensions got higher than it had been before. Eventually, the tipping point was passed, and everyone declared war on each other. Haltia is suffering greatly for it, and the great ancient spirits, that were said to be like gods, had abandoned everyone. Whether out of sheer disgust or their inability to do anything about this nobody knows, but at this point, I guess everyone else doesn't really care anymore. Here I am, sitting on my bed in my room, wondering why, why would someone or something cause all this. I may live with the wolves, but the thing is, I'm not one. I don't really know what I what truthfully, only knowing that someone came to my dad in desperate plea to take me and protect me. I've lived here all my life, all sixteen years of it so far. I guess I am lucky that my dad also happens to be the king of the wolves. No, I'm not kidding, the king. He normally is very tough and stern, but he sure has a soft spot for me, hehe. *sigh* Lately though, with the war and all, he's been out a lot, leading the front lines when needed. I've been under the watch and care under a close friend of his for these 2 years. Now the other wolves, well, they haven't really been the nicest to me, and it's gotten worse ever since the war started. Whether or not out of stress or opportunity I'll probably never know. I've been somewhat tolerant of it all but I'm really getting sick of it now. Despite the bullying though, I've found peace in music, the softer, more relaxing kind. I found that, after finding an old guitar in a closet, that I actually can play. Well, I wouldn't be calling myself the best there is though, but I keep playing anyways, just to find peace in these times. Fortunatly, things have been slowing way down in this war as it's been reduced to just small skirmishes here and there, but I doubt this relative peace will last too long. Anyways, I hope that one day I can really do something else than just sit here, but since the others won't let me even come close to the weapons or let me train for that matter, I guess I'll just have to wait longer. How much longer though...
Chapter 2: A young girl's lament --OLD--
Coria sure wasn't like the others, with her red skin, with no fur, and her light peach muzzle. She had many thick quills running from the sides of her head down to her neck, along with a head of very short, burgundy hair. She wore a tan midriff sleeveless shirt made out of the fur from a Haltian pig, large boars that often ate off of the mountain rock. She also had a pair of long tan pants said to be made from the same boar the shirt was from. The shoes she wore were the same way. Coria also had a short tail that sharply tapered at the end, and bright green eyes. Coria was rather of an average build, compared to the more burly wolves, but was still no slouch in combat, though the others never really saw it. Coria was sitting on her bed in her room, a room which had been carved out of the mountains from ancient times. A single large window was on the outer wall, the only real opening except for the door, though it was still enough to give the room ample light. It also had a large dresser, said to be, from a century ago or so, carved from a mighty tree of the southern forests. The bed frame was supposedly from the same tree too. The mattress was made from pig skin and filled with the feathers from a mighty Roc, which often acted as carrion eaters. Lamps, lit by a form of red mana, were located on the dresser, giving additional light and warmth to the room. Coria however held dear one other object in her room, a small framed picture of her when she was only two and her dad, both smiling and enjoying each other's company.
"Oh dad...", said Coria as she glanced over at the picture. "I hope one day we can finally put this stupid war away and be free again." she said as a single tear started to form in her right eye.
Just then, a knock was heard at the door of her room. Coria quickly wiped away the lone tear, got up, and opened it. It was Holer, the one assigned to watch over her while her dad was away. Holer had good ties with the king and as a result was basically considered by many second in command. He was more stout than most other wolves and a bit smaller too, but his years battle experience was almost never questioned. He stood there with his trademark long, brown, pig skin robe, and what looked like a small grey beard, with a slight look of concern on his face.
"Ah there you are Coria", he said, his expression now changed to a small smile. "Didn't see you outside today so I got worried. Is something bothering you?"
Coria's expression had turned into one of slight shame. "*sigh* Yeah...", she said. "It's just that I've been really worried about dad, I mean, he's almost never home and I worry something bad is going to happen to him"
"Yes, this war has taken it's toll on most everyone", said Holer. "However, I think something else is bothering you too, something, deeper".
"What?", said Coria. "There's nothing else, really."
Holer smile faded. He knew Coria was hiding some sort of sadness and could tell she was afraid to say what exactly it was. Holer then said, "Coria, come on, I've known you long enough to know when you're hiding something. You might as well just say it now, when no one else is around."
"Ok ok, fine..." Coria said loudly. "*sigh* I feel like nobody really likes me, that I'm useless to them..."
Holer replied "What? I like you. Triel likes you. Why would you say that?"
"I know you and dad do, but..." Coria said, now with a small tear forming in one of her eyes. "I feel as though everyone else thinks of me as a weak little pretty girl that'll never amount to anything..."
"Is that so...?" Holer said. He then saw the tear in her eye and said, with a concerned tone "I've never known you to choke up talking about anything so this must be serious. Why didn't you tell us about all this?"
Coria's started to get a bit upset now. "Dad already has enough on his plate with the war and all and the last thing I want to do is add more to it OK?!" She then saw Holer cringing somewhat after that. "I-I...I'm sorry, I didn't mean to lash at you like th-"
"Coria" said Holer, now back to a more neutral expression. "It's fine. I can now definitely see the pain, and I understand now. You could've at least told me though, I wouldn't have told a soul.
Coria was surprised at this. Normally, everything that Holer was told was relayed to Triel if it had to be so this was a shock to her. "Wait, really?" she said, wiping the tear from her eye.
"Of course, I understand your reasons for keeping this secret for so long, you mearly don't want to stress out Triel more and potentially cause something bad to happen as a result. Hmm...tell you what, come with me to the grand mess hall, my treat."
"Um...Holer?" Coria said with concern. "You do realize that they've never let me in there, right?"
"WHAT?! Are you serious?!" Holer said in a rather surprised tone. "This is much worse than a thought then. Let me come with you, I'll force them to let you in. I may be old, but I still got it in me, what do you say?"
"Well..." Coria began to say. She then smiled and said "I don't see why not."
"Perfect! Follow me then" said Holer.
"Oh, wait, let me get something first" Coria said. She tapped twice on the wall next to the dresser, with it doing a half complete rotation, revealing a manner of clothes. Coria then reached in and grabbed what looked like a medium sized acoustic guitar, the very one that got Coria into music in the first place. "It'll let me kill time while waiting for the food" she said.
With that, the two headed out, with Coria taking one last glance at the picture on the dresser, with a smile on her face.
Chapter 2: A young girl's lament
Coria sure wasn't like the others, with her red skin, with no fur, and her light peach muzzle and tiny black nose. She had many thick quills running from the sides of her head down to her neck, along with a head of very short, burgundy hair. She wore a tan sleeveless crop top, which was made out of the pelt from a Haltian pig, large boars that often ate off of the mountain rock. She also had a pair of long tan pants, also made of the pig pelt. The shoes she wore were the same way, with colored patterns sown in, although this pair had also had a pattern that had a gold wolf head on each side with a small crystal where the eyes would be. This kind of pattern was unique as it belonged to only to ones considered to be part of the royal bloodline. Even though Coria wasn't born under it and therefore wasn't really of royal blood, she still was considered part of the family that the bloodline entails. She also had a short tail that sharply tapered at the end, and bright green eyes. Coria was rather of an average build, compared to the more burly wolves, but was still no slouch in combat, though the others never really saw it. Coria was sitting on her bed in her room, a room which had been carved out of the mountains from ancient times. A single large window was on the outer wall, the only real opening except for the door, though it was still enough to give the room ample light. It also had a large dresser that was carved from a mighty tree of the southern forests from about century ago or so. The bed frame was made out of a similar tree. The mattress was made from Haltian pig skin and filled with the feathers from a mighty Roc, large birds which often acted as carrion eaters. Lamps, lit by a form of red mana, were located on the dresser, giving additional light and warmth to the room. Coria however held dear one other object in her room, a small framed ink portrait of her when she was only two and her dad, both smiling and enjoying each other's company.
"Oh dad...", said Coria as she glanced over at the portrait. "I hope one day we can finally put this stupid war away and be free again." she said as a single tear started to form in her right eye.
Just then, a knock was heard at the door of her room. Coria quickly wiped away the lone tear, got up, and opened it. It was Holer, the one assigned to watch over her while her dad was away. Holer had good ties with the king and as a result was basically considered by many second in command. He was more stout than most other wolves and a bit smaller too, but his years battle experience was almost never questioned. He stood there with his trademark long, brown, pig skin robe, and what looked like a small grey beard, with a slight look of concern on his face.
"Ah there you are Coria", he said, his expression now changed to a small smile. "Didn't see you outside today so I got worried. Is something bothering you?"
Coria's expression had turned into one of slight shame. She sighed, then said, "Yeah...", she said. "It's just that I've been really worried about dad, I mean, he's almost never home and I worry something bad is going to happen to him"
"Yes, this war has taken it's toll on most everyone", said Holer. "However, I think something else is bothering you too, something, deeper".
"What?", said Coria. "There's nothing else, really."
Holer smile faded. He knew Coria was hiding some sort of sadness and could tell she was afraid to say what exactly it was. Holer then said, "Coria, come on, I've known you long enough to know when you're hiding something. You might as well just say it now, when no one else is around."
Coria knew from her time with Holer that he can be extremely persistent about certain things and could tell that he was going to make her say it anyways, whether she liked it or not. "Ok ok, fine..." Coria said loudly. Coria did a deep sigh, then said "I feel like nobody really likes me, that I'm useless to them..."
Holer replied "What? I like you. Triel likes you. Why would you say that?"
"I know you and dad do, but..." Coria said, now with a small tear forming in one of her eyes. "I feel as though everyone else thinks of me as a weak little pretty girl that'll never amount to anything..."
"Is that so...?" Holer said. He then saw the tear in her eye and said, with a concerned tone "I've never known you to choke up talking about anything so this must be serious. Why didn't you tell us about all this?"
Coria's started to get a bit upset now. "Dad already has enough on his plate with the war and all and the last thing I want to do is add more to it OK?!" She then saw Holer cringing somewhat after that. "I-I...I'm sorry, I didn't mean to lash at you like th-"
"Coria" said Holer, now back to a more neutral expression. "It's fine. I can now definitely see the pain, and I understand now. You could've at least told me though, I wouldn't have told a soul.
Coria was surprised at this. Normally, everything that Holer was told was relayed to Triel if it had to be so this was a shock to her. "Wait, really?" she said, wiping the tear from her eye.
"Of course, I understand your reasons for keeping this secret for so long, you mearly don't want to stress out Triel more and potentially cause something bad to happen as a result. Hmm...tell you what, come with me to the grand mess hall, my treat."
"Um...Holer?" Coria said with concern. "You do realize that they've never let me in there, right?"
"WHAT?! Are you serious?!" Holer said in a rather surprised tone. "This is much worse than a thought then. Let me come with you, I'll force them to let you in. I may be old, but I still got it in me, what do you say?"
"Well..." Coria began to say. She then smiled and said "I don't see why not."
"Perfect! Follow me then" said Holer.
"Oh, wait, let me get something first" Coria said. She tapped twice on the wall next to the dresser, with it doing a half complete rotation, revealing a manner of clothes. Coria then reached in and grabbed what looked like a medium sized lute, the very one that got Coria into music in the first place. "It'll let me kill time while waiting for the food" she said.
With that, the two headed out, with Coria taking one last glance at the picture on the dresser, with a smile on her face.
Ch.3: A History Lesson --OLD--
Coria walked along to the grand mess hall with Holer by her side. Along the way, she decided to be extra observant in her surroundings, not out of paranoia but rather curiosity as while Holer often observed Coria from a distance when he watched her, he never really hung out with her in public. Coria had always wondered why but in the end figured it was due to him not wanting to embarrass her. She was often a bit tense while out in public due to the way the other wolves often treated her but she now felt rather relaxed for some reason.
Despite about three quarters of the main city being located in the mountains themselves, the remaining parts was actually quite open to the elements. Coria took in everything she saw, from the younger wolves play fighting with each other to the older ones talking and laughing about certain things that happened. She saw a couple blacksmith shops, where ironworkers made weapons of war along with things for more, peaceful applications, like utensils and various other tools. She also saw some areas which were known as food pits, where a lot of the basic food, including most of the meat that comes in save for the highest quality cuts, were prepared and then transported to wherever it needed to go, most going to the grand mess hall. Needless to say, food pits are not actual pits, but rather refer to more ancient times where a food pit was a small hole dug in the ground for the fire that was used for preparing food. Various markets and shops also dotted the place, selling things from dolls made from boar hair, to supplies, to furniture, and many more.
The wolves were not all about food and war though. They had their form of recreations, like war story contests, where the best story of battle would win, if the storytellers could prove it through scars, war trophies, or whatever they had that could convince the listeners. There was also a game among children called pig hunt, where the biggest and oldest would don a small boar pelt and try to avoid being pinned for too long or having the pelt fall off for a certain amount of time. Archery was a popular activity among the young adults, with even full grown wolves wanting doing it for real battle purposes. As Coria, took in everything she saw, her train of thought was broken by a voice.
"Coria", said Holer.
Coria quickly replied in surprise, "Hmm, yes?"
"I know that the tutors have taught you a lot of things", Holer began to say, "but have they really gone in depth in the history lessons yet?"
Coria wasn't sure why he was asking this but replied anyways by saying, "Um...I wouldn't say, in depth, why?"
"Want to learn it right now?", said Holer.
"Well...", Coria began to say, "Well, I don't see why not."
"Ok, it's settled then!", said Holer. "Let's begin."
"During ancient times there was a great battle called the Hellwurm War, which giant wurms that used to dominate Haltia had caused untold havoc amongst the beings of Haltia. Where even the great ancient spirits, ethereal beings said to be like gods, couldn't stop them."
"Wurms?", said Coria with curiousity.
"Yes, think the little worms the baby Rocs eat", said Holer, who then proceeded to point to a large shop, but as big as that building right there.
Coria started to picture a wurm in her mind based on what Holer said, and could see how they could do so much harm.
"Anyways, for centuries, the humans, foxes, and wolves of Haltia lived in solitude from one another. It wasn't until the wurms awakend and cause extensive loss of life and damage that they came together and united. With support from the ancient spirits, the wurms were defeated and peace had finally come.
"Really? Just like that", Coria said with excitement.
"Well...I wouldn't say just like that, so to speak", Holer began to say. "Because at one point, the queen wurm showed herself, and that was when the outcome looked dire for us.
"Queen...wurm...?" said Coria, scared at the thought and image in her head of something even more terrifying than the building size wurm Holer pointed out.
"Heh, yes" said Holer. "But then, three heroes, one from each race, had emerged and called upon a secret power during that dire time.
"Oh? Who were they?", Coria said, her excitement building again.
"Well, there was the fox hero, Velida, who used her special connections with the ancient spirits to turn into a giant, walking tree, with the ability to summon massive briars out of the ground. The wolf hero, Grundel, drank alcohol, which on it's own was nothing special, but when he did, he gained the speed of an Elder Roc, which are said to be able to traverse one end of Haltia to the other in just one to two days time or even less, and the strength of a thousand wolves, though it was rumored that any drink with enough potency could trigger that, he just liked using that particular drink. Then the human hero, Verlite, could focus mana into a protective shield that dissipated most attacks or he could focus that mana into a powerful blast said to shatter mountain facings.
Coria couldn't begin to imagine what she was hearing. Giant walking trees with briars? Becoming a super being with merely a potent drink? The ability to shatter mountains? She just couldn't believe that back then, there were individuals like that.
"Anyways, these three heroes did battle with the queen, but even that couldn't completely bring it down, which was now starting to produce more wurms. However, in a last desperate plan, they decided to use Verlite's mana blast ability but to focus all their entire lifeforce into it this time. They knew they wouldn't survive it but they knew they had to for Haltia's future. With Velida's ancient connections, Grundel's alcohol power, and Verlite's mana blast, in a shot that almost literally shook all of Haltia, the queen wurm exploded in a huge shower of ichor. With the other Hellwurms without a queen, they acted and moved in a way that seemed to be like they had lost all sense of their surroundings and direction. This allowed the other Haltians to finish them off and claim victory."
"Whoa!", Coria said, with her excitement building even more. "You mean they made the queen wurm just explode?! Wow..."
"Yes, but remember that using it with that much power had killed them", said Holer.
"Oh...", Coria said, now with her excitement wearing off.
"Anyways, after the war ended and Haltia was rebuilt, the three sentient races had opened forms of trade and communication, and that's how it was, at least, until this war happened" Holer said with a deep sigh at the end. "I wish this silly thing could end for good, I rather not have for us to waste lives like this".
Coria knew what he meant, with so much stress among others and lives ruined by this war, she too wished it could end.
"Anyways, we're just about there. You hungry?"
"A little I guess", said Coria.
"A little? I can hear your stomach from here", Holer replied with a laugh. Coria had just then felt her stomach growl a little bit.
"I guess I was so absorbed in that history lesson that I didn't notice" Coria said with a giggle.
With that, they proceeded to the massive stone arch ahead that led to the entrance of the grand mess hall.
Ch.3: A History Lesson
Coria walked along to the grand mess hall with Holer by her side. Along the way, she decided to be extra observant in her surroundings, not out of paranoia but rather curiosity. While Holer often observed Coria from a distance when he watched her, he never really hung out with her in public. Coria had always wondered why but in the end figured it was due to him not wanting to embarrass her. She was sometimes a bit tense while out in public due to the way the other wolves often treated her but she now felt rather relaxed for some reason.
Despite about three quarters of the main city being located in the mountains themselves, the remaining parts was actually quite open to the elements. Coria took in everything she saw, from the younger wolves play fighting with each other to the older ones talking and laughing about certain things that happened. She saw a couple blacksmith shops, where ironworkers made weapons of war along with things for more, peaceful applications, like utensils and various other tools. She also saw some areas which were known as food pits, where a lot of the basic food, including most of the meat that comes in save for the highest quality cuts, were prepared and then transported to wherever it needed to go, most going to the grand mess hall. Needless to say, food pits are not actual pits, but rather refer to more ancient times where a food pit was a small hole dug in the ground for the fire that was used for preparing food. Various markets and shops also dotted the place, selling things from dolls made from boar hair, to supplies, to furniture, and many more.
The wolves were not all about food and war though. They had their form of recreations, like war story contests, where the best story of battle would win, if the storytellers could prove it through scars, war trophies, or whatever they had that could convince the listeners. There was also a game among children called pig hunt, where the biggest and oldest would don a small boar pelt and try to avoid being pinned for too long or having the pelt fall off for a certain amount of time. Archery was a popular activity among the young adults, with even full grown wolves wanting to do it for real battle purposes. As Coria, took in everything she saw, her train of thought was broken by a voice.
"Coria," said Holer.
Coria quickly replied in surprise, "Hmm, yes?"
"I know that the tutors have taught you a lot of things", Holer began to say, "but have they really gone in depth in the history lessons yet?"
Coria wasn't sure why he was asking this but replied anyways by saying, "Um...I wouldn't say, in depth, why?"
"Want to learn it right now?", said Holer.
"Well...", Coria began to say, "Well, I don't see why not."
"Ok, it's settled then!", said Holer. "Let's begin." "During ancient times there was a great battle called the Hellwurm War, in which giant wurms that used to dominate Haltia had caused untold havoc amongst the beings of Haltia. Where even the great ancient spirits, ethereal beings said to be like gods, couldn't stop them."
"Wurms?", said Coria with curiousity.
"Yes, think the little worms the baby Rocs eat", said Holer, who then proceeded to point to a large shop, but as big as that building right there.
Coria started to picture a wurm in her mind based on what Holer said, and could see how they could do so much harm.
"Now then, for centuries, the humans, foxes, and wolves of Haltia lived in solitude from one another. It wasn't until the wurms awakened and caused extensive loss of life and damage that they came together and united. With support from the ancient spirits, the wurms were defeated and peace finally came.
"Really? Just like that", Coria said with excitement.
"Well...I wouldn't say just like that, so to speak", Holer began to say. "Because at one point, the queen wurm showed herself, and that was when the outcome looked dire for us.
"Queen...wurm...?" said Coria, scared at the thought and image in her head of something even more terrifying than the building size wurm had mentioned.
"Heh, yes" said Holer. "But then, three heroes, one from each race, merged and called upon a secret power during that dire time."
"Oh? Who were they?", Coria asked, her excitement building again.
"Well, there was the fox hero, Velida, who used her special connections with the ancient spirits to turn into a giant, walking tree, with the ability to summon massive briars out of the ground. The wolf hero, Grundel, drank alcohol, which on it's own was nothing special, but when he did, he gained the speed of an Elder Roc, which are said to be able to traverse from one end of Haltia to the other in just one to two days time or even less, and the strength of a thousand wolves, though it was rumored that any drink with enough potency could trigger that, he just liked using strong alcohol since he was kind of known as a drunk. Then the human hero, Hyorii, could focus mana into a protective shield that dissipated most attacks or he could focus that mana into a powerful blast said to shatter mountain facings.
Coria couldn't begin to imagine what she was hearing. Giant walking trees with briars? Becoming a super being with merely a potent drink? The ability to shatter mountains? She just couldn't believe that back then, there were individuals like that.
"Now, these three heroes did battle with the queen, but even that couldn't completely bring it down, and it was now starting to produce more wurms. However, in a last desperate plan, they decided to use Hyorii's mana blast ability, but to focus all their entire lifeforce into it this time. They knew they wouldn't survive it but they knew they had to sacrifice themselves for Haltia's future. With Velida's ancient connections, Grundel's alcohol power, and Hyorii's mana blast, in a shot that almost literally shook all of Haltia, the queen wurm exploded in a huge shower of ichor. With the other Hellwurms without a queen, they acted and moved in a way that seemed to be like they had lost all sense of their surroundings and direction. This allowed the other Haltians to finish them off and claim victory."
"Whoa!", Coria said, with her excitement building even more. "You mean they made the queen wurm just explode?! Wow..."
"Yes, but remember that using it with that much power had killed them", said Holer.
"Oh...", Coria said, now with her excitement wearing off.
"In any case, after the war ended and Haltia was rebuilt, the three sentient races had opened forms of trade and communication, and that's how it was, at least, until this war happened" Holer said with a deep sigh at the end. "I wish this silly thing could end for good, I would rather not have for us to waste lives like this".
Coria knew what he meant, with so much stress among others and lives ruined by this war, she too wished it could end.
"Anyways, we're just about there. You hungry?"
"A little I guess", said Coria.
"A little? I can hear your stomach from here", Holer replied with a laugh. Coria had just then felt her stomach growl a little bit.
"I guess I was so absorbed in that history lesson that I didn't notice" Coria said with a giggle.
With that, they proceeded to the massive stone arch ahead that led to the entrance of the grand mess hall.
Ch.4: The last straw --OLD--
Not long after Coria and Holer got to the entrance was there a shout of "HALT!" from the lone guard there.
"Coria, for the last time, you have to be sixteen to enter, you're not quite there yet." he said.
Coria retorted, with her palm on her face, "You just don't get it do you? I AM sixteen!"
The guard replied, "Nooooo, you're fifteen, and you know the rules."
Holer was rather perplexed at first watching the two go at it, but eventually stepped in and said "Wait, who told you she was fifteen?"
"Holer!", the guard said in shock. "I-I didn't see you there", he continued, bowing in the process. "Anyways, I'm sure she isn't sixtee-"
Holer cut him off, saying "Have you forgotten her birthday was about a month ago?", with a rather displeased look on his face. The guard then went into thought, trying to remember.
"Whoa!", the guard said, realizing that what Holer said was true. "Princess Coria, I am SO sorry, this war has taken it's toll on my memory you see and..."
Coria was rather surprised, nobody had ever called her princess besides Triel before, mainly because she made well aware to others in the past that she didn't exactly liked being called that title, she however in this case was slightly amused.
"At ease, at ease", she said with a smile. "The war hasn't just taken it's toll on just you, I understand. Oh, and for the record, I prefer not to be called princess, just saying", she continued".
Coria, was now starting to giggle a little. "oh calm down, it's just something to keep in mind", she said. "Anyways, Holer, ready?"
Holer was kind of confused, since the war started, he'd never seen her in this bubbly mood. "Uh uh, huh? Oh, um, yes. Sorry, just thinking about some things"
The two then proceeded through the archway into the hall. The Grand Mess hall was rather huge, carved out of the mountain since who knows when. Inside was many massive tables, most stretching from one end to the other of the hall. Banners from past generations were also hung here. While the mess hall was basically underground, the rock itself was rather poreus, though the naked eye would never notice, and as a result let air in and out of the place. The rock was still rather tough and not something that would cave in anytime soon. The red mana lights here were massive, giving light to the entire place despite it's size.
The hall also had all sorts of food, from pig meat, to Roc eggs, fruit, even the random vegetables grown in the farms outside. Rabbage was often the most consumed of the vegetables, a ball of red plume-like leaves with a hint of sweetness, due to it's ease of cultivating. A popular fruit among the wolves was the Wolfersti, a rather sweet, blue, and oval shaped item that's often used in certain desserts and drinks.
With the war slowing down a lot, the places was more packed then it had been since it started. Soldiers returning home from battle or patrols and guard duties was the main contributing factor for this. Along the walls were long areas called serving stores, where the prepared food was placed and to be purchased.
Coria was almost lost in all the good smells of all the food, so much so that she hadn't noticed Holer telling her he was going to the serving store for some food and leaving. She proceeded to sit at one of the few round tables and, with her lute in hand, proceeded to play. The hall was rather loud ever since it got more packed, with all the shouts, random story contests, and the occasional messy eater, but Coria didn't care as she could still hear the music she played. She eventually snapped out of her food smell stupor, realizing Holer was gone. She quickly spotted him finishing up at the serving store though and went back to playing, figuring he'd be back soon with the food. Just then, she looked up for a second and noticed a group of three young wolf males standing in front of her. "Still playing that girly music little kid?", one of them said laughing in a mocking manner. Coria then realized that it was Freig and his posse, whom often bullied her the most out of anyone. They always preyed upon the fact that Triel was gone a lot and figured Coria would be too scared to tell him.
"Frieg", she began to say in an angry tone. "This "girly" music is what keeps me sane from idiots like you".
Frieg and the other two were rather surprised at this as Coria never stood up to them like this before, but Frieg proceeded to say "Well well well, looks like the little girl has grown up a bit, but seriously, you're weak, little nobody."
Coria was now getting real angry. "Frieg, last warning, go away or else!" she said.
"Or what?" Frieg mockingly said, getting in her face now. "You're...weak, let me show you how right now". At the moment, he grabbed Coria's lute out of her hand, and smashed it on the floor, with a sound that made the entire hall quiet. Coria felt like something in her died at that moment, she rushed to where her splintered lute now lay and getting on her hands and knees, tears starting to gush from her eyes. Holer had just saw, on his way back from the serving store, Coria on the floor, in anguish. He dropped everything and ran to where she was, with Frieg and the others laughing at Coria, saying out loud of how she was such a crybaby.
At the moment, something in Coria just snapped. She took her now broken lute, got up and tackled Frieg to the ground. She then proceeded to pummel him repeatedly with it, not noticing that her lute had basically disintegrated and now was a red, glowing, somewhat see through lute that was of a completely different form. Everyone in the hall watched in horror as Coria just beat Frieg senseless. After she got about ten to thirteen hits, Holer was finally able to grab the now glowing instrument, shouting "ENOUGH!....I think he got the point". The instrument then vanished, much to Holer's surprise. Coria wasn't done though, she proceeded to kneel on the floor, grabbing a now bruised and somewhat bloodied Frieg by his shirt collar, saying "You broke my *sob* soul, now you know what it feels like to be BROKEN!"
"Coria, enough!" shouted Holer. "Let me handle this!"
Coria then dropped Frieg, and ran out of the Grand Mess Hall, sobbing madly all the way. Holer, now rather angry, looked at Frieg's posse, demanding what they did. After being told everything from them, and various witnesses, Holer had now fully understood the scope of the fear and torment Coria was going through. He went to look for her, but somehow couldn't find her. Nobody saw her after that, even the various guards, including the one that was stationed outside the Grand Mess Hall had seen her after that. Getting worried, he was about to make a search party for her when a guard from the outer gates leading out of the kingdom rushed to him.
"Holer, we got a problem.", he said.
"Look, I don't have time for this..." Holer said. "Unless you have seen Coria, then I do-"
He was cut of by the guard that then said "That's the thing, Coria, she...she managed to barge passed us and ran out of the gates"
"WHAT?! She did what?!" Holer said in utter shock. "Get a search party, get her back, now!"
"But I thought only Triel had the authority to-" the guard began to say but Holer quickly cut him off, saying "I don't care! Get a search party, or I'll report you to him on a silver platter!"
"Ok ok! On it now!" the guard replied, rushing out to get one formed.
"Coria..." Holer began to say, with tears in his eyes. "I'm so sorry...please be ok. Please..."
ch. 4: The Last Straw
Not long after Coria and Holer got to the entrance, there was there was a shout of "HALT!" from the lone guard there.
"Coria, for the last time, you have to be sixteen to enter, you're not quite there yet." he said.
Coria retorted, with her palm on her face, "You just don't get it do you? I AM sixteen!"
The guard replied, "Nooooo, you're fifteen, and you know the rules."
Holer was rather perplexed at first watching the two go at it, but eventually stepped in and said, "Wait, who told you she was fifteen?"
"Holer!", the guard said in shock. "I-I didn't see you there", he continued, bowing in the process. "Anyways, I'm sure she isn't sixtee-"
Holer cut him off, saying "Have you forgotten her birthday was about a month ago?", with a rather displeased look on his face. The guard then went into thought, trying to remember.
"Whoa!", the guard said, realizing that what Holer said was true. "Princess Coria, I am SO sorry, this war has taken it's toll on my memory you see and..."
Coria was rather surprised, nobody had ever called her princess besides Triel before, mainly because she made well aware to others in the past that she didn't exactly liked being called that title. However, in this case, she was slightly amused.
"At ease, at ease", she said with a smile. "The war hasn't just taken it's toll on just you, I understand. Oh, and for the record, I prefer not to be called princess, just saying", she continued".
Coria, was now starting to giggle a little. "oh calm down, it's just something to keep in mind", she said. "Anyways, Holer, ready?"
Holer was kind of confused. Since the war started, he'd never seen her in this bubbly of a mood. "Uh uh, huh? Oh, um, yes. Sorry, just thinking about some things."
The two then proceeded through the archway into the hall. The Grand Mess hall was rather huge, carved out of the mountain since who knows when. Inside were many massive tables, most stretching from one end to the other of the hall. Banners from past generations were also hung here. While the mess hall was basically underground, the rock itself was rather porous, though the naked eye would never notice, and as a result, the rock let air in and out of the place. The rock was still rather tough and not something that would cave in anytime soon. The red mana lights here were massive, giving light to the entire place despite it's size.
The hall also had all sorts of food, from pig meat, to Roc eggs, fruit, even the random vegetables grown in the farms outside. Rabbage was often the most consumed of the vegetables, a ball of red plume-like leaves with a hint of sweetness, due to it's ease of cultivating. A popular fruit among the wolves was the Wolfersti, a rather sweet, blue, and oval shaped item that's often used in certain desserts and drinks.
With the war slowing down a lot, the places was more packed then it had been since it started. Soldiers returning home from battle or patrols and guard duties were the main contributing factor for this. Along the walls were long areas called serving stores, where the prepared food was placed and could be purchased.
Coria was almost lost in all the good smells of the food, so much so that she hadn't noticed Holer telling her he was going to the serving store for some food and then leaving. She proceeded to sit at one of the few round tables and, with her lute in hand, proceeded to play. The hall was rather loud ever since it got more packed, with all the shouts, random story contests, and the occasional messy eater, but Coria didn't care as she could still hear the music she played. She eventually snapped out of her food smell stupor, realizing Holer was gone. She quickly spotted him finishing up at the serving store though and went back to playing, figuring he'd be back soon with the food. Just then, she looked up for a second and noticed a group of three young wolf males standing in front of her. "Still playing that girly music, little kid?", one of them said laughing in a mocking manner. Coria then realized that it was Freig and his posse, who often bullied her the most out of anyone. They always preyed upon the fact that Triel was gone a lot and figured Coria would be too scared to tell him.
"Frieg", she began to say in an angry tone. "This "girly" music is what keeps me sane from idiots like you".
Frieg and the other two were rather surprised at this as Coria never stood up to them like this before, but Frieg proceeded to say, "Well well well, looks like the little girl has grown up a bit, but seriously, you're weak, little nobody."
Coria was now getting really angry. "Frieg, last warning, go away or else!" she said.
"Or what?" Frieg mockingly said, getting in her face now. "You're...weak, let me show you how weak right now". At the moment, he grabbed Coria's lute out of her hand, and smashed it on the floor, with a sound that made the entire hall quiet. Coria felt like something in her died at that moment, she rushed to where her splintered lute now lay and getting on her hands and knees, tears starting to gush from her eyes. Holer had just seen, on his way back from the serving store, Coria on the floor, in anguish. He dropped everything and ran to where she was, with Frieg and the others laughing at Coria, saying out loud of how she was such a crybaby.
At the moment, something in Coria just snapped. She took her now broken lute, got up and tackled Frieg to the ground. She then proceeded to pummel him repeatedly with it, not noticing that her lute had basically disintegrated and now was a red, glowing, somewhat see through lute that was of a completely different form. Everyone in the hall watched in horror as Coria just beat Frieg senseless. After she got about ten to thirteen hits, Holer was finally able to grab the now glowing instrument, shouting "ENOUGH!....I think he got the point". The instrument then vanished, much to Holer's surprise. Coria wasn't done though, she proceeded to kneel on the floor, grabbing a now bruised and somewhat bloodied Frieg by his shirt collar, saying "You broke my *sob* soul, now you know what it feels like to be BROKEN!"
"Coria, enough!" shouted Holer. "Let me handle this!"
Coria then dropped Frieg, and ran out of the Grand Mess Hall, sobbing madly all the way. Holer, now rather angry, looked at Frieg's posse, demanding what they did. After being told everything from them, and various witnesses, Holer had now fully understood the scope of the fear and torment Coria was going through. He went to look for her, but somehow couldn't find her. Nobody saw her after that, even the various guards, including the one that was stationed outside the Grand Mess Hall had seen her after that. Getting worried, he was about to make a search party for her when a guard from the outer gates leading out of the kingdom rushed to him.
"Holer, we got a problem.", he said.
"Look, I don't have time for this..." Holer said. "Unless you have seen Coria, then I do-"
He was cut of by the guard that then said "That's the thing, Coria, she...she managed to barge past us and ran out of the gates"
"WHAT?! She did what?!" Holer said in utter shock. "Get a search party, get her back, now!"
"But I thought only Triel had the authority to-" the guard began to say but Holer quickly cut him off, saying "I don't care! Get a search party, or else I'll report you to him on a silver platter!"
"Ok ok! On it now!" the guard replied, rushing out to get one formed.
"Coria..." Holer began to say, with tears in his eyes. "I'm so sorry...please be ok. Please..."
Ch.5: Hope and Music
Coria had ran out the gates, and kept running until she had to stop to catch her breath. She was now a pretty good distance away from the wolf kingdom, about a quarter of a mile or so. After finally getting her second wind, she stood up and looked back at former home, tears still present in her eyes.
She then muttered to herself, "What did I do...? What have I done to deserve this...?".
With a heavy heart, she then turned around and walked away, still devastated by the recent events that transpired. She continued on through the vast plains, passing large groves, small lakes, and even a blue mana fox settlement, which she made a point to stay far away from. Various skeletons of fallen soldiers from all sides started to appear the deeper Coria went. She normally wasn't fond of rotting things but in her grief stricken stupor, she really didn't care now. Various wild non-sentient animals, which would've at least tried to push Coria away from their territories, just stood still and stared, as though they could feel her grief and angst.
Night had started to fall and Coria's hunger and thirst had finally caught up with her. Feeling weak from her travels, Coria's head hung low and was barely able to walk now. Her stomach growling and her mouth dry, she wondered if this was how it would end for her. She then looked up and realized that she had walked into a settlement and didn't even know it. Before she could act though, she quickly saw that there was nobody else here. It seemed as though this place had been abandoned some time ago. Large white tents littered the place, most tattered in some form. Small fire pits, much like the ones from her former home were also scattered around. One near her was even still smoldering.
Coria then noticed what looked like a lone pot near the smoldering fire. She slowly made her way to it and saw it had some sort of thick brown liquid with meat chunks in it. Her brain immediately guessed it was some sort of food and with a sudden burst of adrenaline, in no time at all she devoured the entire contents of the pot, not caring for a second that it was cold. She then laid on the ground on her back for about several minutes, after which she began to regain her strength.
She then started to get back up, quickly noticing a small strange device made of glass and iron by her feet. She picked it up and saw that it had a rounded iron cap, and also a flat bottom and cage that was also made of iron. Inside the cage was an enclosed clear glass cylinder. The bottom had what looked like a dial, though Coria wasn't too sure. She decided then twist the dial, in which the device produced a bright white light. The resulting light did almost blind her, but she quickly figured out that it could be adjusted.
After adjusting the light to something less blinding, Coria decided to explore the settlement more to see if there was more food and maybe something to drink. Night had now completely fallen and if not for the light device she held, she'd be wandering blind in the dark. After some time, she quickly found what looked like an open crate. Looking in it, she found glass bottles with corks in the mouth of it and strange colored liquid contents, and boxes made of a material unfamiliar to her, which had what looked like to her small, round, and sealed containers that were flat on the top and bottom, and made of what looked like iron but gave off a sheen unlike it.
She took one of the metal containers, trying to see how to open them. She then saw in the crate what looked like a knife but had a half circle shape on the end with two jagged points on either side of it. After a bit of thought, Coria figured that maybe it was something to get the metal containers open. After repeated jabs with the strange knife into the top of the container, she was finally able to get it open. She saw in it that it was more of that thick liquid she consumed earlier from the pot. Without a second thought, she quickly consumed it, still not caring it was cold. She then decided to open one of the bottles and took a sip from it. The flavor was rather sweet and it left a kind of tingling feeling in her mouth, which Coria rather enjoyed. She attempted to guzzle the rest of the bottle, though she nearly gagged as the tingling feeling was now rather overpowering from doing that. After some time though, the feeling went away.
"Wow! That was strong." exclaimed Coria. "Ok, note to self, do not guzzle these." She then saw a lone wooden chair nearby. Her legs tired from standing so long, she went over and sat down in it. She then put the light device down next to her, and began to play music in her head. In a now calm state, she closed her eyes and then started to physically move her arms and fingers in the air as if she was playing her old lute. She suddenly noticed that the music got louder, as though someone else was playing right next to her. She quickly opened her eyes and looked around, but there was still nobody. She then looked down and saw a red glowing lute with more jagged edges on it's body. She then quickly realized that she was actually holding it.
Coria quickly stood up in shock, still holding the strange lute by the neck in one hand. After staring at it for several seconds, she tend started to pluck it's strings with her free hand, with it making sounds as she did. It then suddenly disappeared. Coria could only stare in awe. What was that thing, and how did it come to her in the first place? Remembering that it appeared when she started to think of music, Coria began to play the same song in her head again. The glowing lute then started to materialize in her right hand right in from of her. Coria was just awestruck. She couldn't believe that she could just summon this out of thin air. A big smile formed on her face. She then sat back down on the chair and started to play with zeal. For the first time in a long time, Coria felt truly happy.
Ch.6 --OLD--
After a while, Coria began to feel a bit sleepy, not realizing just how long she was playing. After making her lute disappear, she grabbed the lantern and set out to find something to sleep in. After about a minute, she found a tent that looked mostly intact. She crawled into the tent, finding that there was still some sort of thick bedding on the floor. She turned off the lantern then lied down on the bedding. Despite there being no covers, she didn't care as it was good enough for her.
Coria couldn't fall asleep no matter how hard she tried though. Thought after thought of her former home and how she pretty much abandoned everyone there wouldn't let her be. She eventually felt like she was going to start crying, but then she heard a girl's voice outside. At first, she figured it was just her imagination, but then she heard it again in a panicked tone, saying how of how was this happening and why, and what did she ever do to deserve this.
Though still a bit sleepy, she quickly got up, grabbed the lantern, turned it back on, and went outside to see who it was, though she was being careful about it just in case it was to be hostile. She faintly saw a figure close by, but then it said, "AH! No! Stay away!", and ran away. Coria decided to give chase, which didn't last long as the mysterious figure, shortly after running off, had run right into a nearby large crate and fell onto the ground as a result. Coria had quickly caught up, saying for the figure to stop and that she wasn't going to hurt whoever it was.
She shined her light on the figure and revealed it to be a young girl, roughly about Coria's age. She had many of the features Coria had, with the same quills running down the sides and back of her head but longer, and the same kind of hair, eyes, and muzzle. Only real differences were the fact that she was black in color and that she wore a green long sleeved tunic made out of giant leaves, black tight shorts, and white shoes. Her eyes were also a bright red instead of green like Coria. They at first both stared at each other for a while in amazement. Eventually, the other girl spoke, "I thought I was the only one like me...Wh-who are you?". Coria put the lantern down, then helped the girl up to her feet, then told her that her name was Coria, which the girl quickly replied, "I'm Veil".
Veil then asked Coria what was someone like her doing out here. Coria quickly asked her the same out of instinct. Veil was afraid Coria wouldn't believe her but figured she had nothing to lose so she began telling her of how she was in a Treefolk Garden, a place where reclusive treefolk appear on rare occasions. She was wandering out on her own, feeling like an outcast to everyone else, when a treefolk had emerged. She wasn't sure why it did what it did, but it suddenly picked up a large, dead, log, and was about to swing it and crush her with it. Veil was sure she'd be dead, but suddenly began to see strange images. Just before she was hit, she was suddenly now in a large graveyard. Cold and dark, it made her rather unsettled. Not sure what to make of her situation, she barely took a step forward when she heard an unsettling moan. A zombie was right behind her, about to bite. In sheer panic, she cowered, wanting to go home now. Suddenly, she ended up here, no more graveyard, no more zombie.
Veil then asked an awe struck Coria where was she now. Coria snapped out of it, which then she told her she was on Haltia, though unsure why she's ask that at all.
"Wait," Veil began to say. "I'm on Haltia?" She then breathed a sigh of relief, saying that Haltia was her home and that she was glad she made it back. Coria was rather confused now, having no idea what to make of all this. She then suddenly remembered a story her father once told her, about the human faction leader Geral, and how he was a planeswalker, able to go to other worlds and explore, though he often chose not to, in order to properly lead his people. Thinking back on that, she wondered if Veil was possibly one too. She then figured she'd tell Veil that Haltia was her home too.
"Whoa! Really?", said Veil in surprise. She couldn't believe that both of them were actually born on this world. She then asked Coria if she knew if there were any others like them. Coria simply said no, she didn't. Veil was a little disappointed in that, but was still happy there was someone else like her.
Coria now figured that Veil needed to know the truth, about the fact that she was a walker. Before she could say anything though, she heard a loud voice saying, "Hey! What's that light there?" Both of them turned around to see more lights, coming closer rather fast. Before long, they were surrounded by a bunch of human men, machetes raised at them. Veil cowered behind Coria, asking what was happening.
Coria wasn't sure what else to do but simply say, "Don't worry Veil, it's going to be ok, I think...."
Ch. 6: A fateful encounter
After a while, Coria began to feel a bit sleepy, not realizing just how long she was playing. After making her lute disappear, she grabbed the lantern and set out to find something to sleep in. After about a minute, she found a tent that looked mostly intact. She crawled into the tent, finding that there was still some sort of thick bedding on the floor. She turned off the lantern then lied down on the bedding. Despite there being no covers, she didn't care as it was good enough for her.
Coria couldn't fall asleep no matter how hard she tried though. Thought after thought of her former home and how she pretty much abandoned everyone there wouldn't let her be. She eventually felt like she was going to start crying, but then she heard a girl's voice outside. At first, she figured it was just her imagination, but then she heard it again in a panicked tone, saying how of how was this happening and why, and what did she ever do to deserve this.
Though still a bit sleepy, she quickly got up, grabbed the lantern, turned it back on, and went outside to see who it was, though she was being careful about it just in case it was to be hostile. She faintly saw a figure close by, but then it said, "AH! No! Stay away!", and ran away. Coria decided to give chase, which didn't last long as the mysterious figure, shortly after running off, had run right into a nearby large crate and fell onto the ground as a result. Coria had quickly caught up, saying for the figure to stop and that she wasn't going to hurt whoever it was.
She shined her light on the figure and revealed it to be a young girl, roughly about Coria's age. She had many of the features Coria had, with the same quills running down the sides and back of her head but longer, and the same kind of hair, eyes, and muzzle. Only real differences were the fact that she was black in color and that she wore a green long sleeved tunic made out of giant leaves, black tight shorts, and white shoes. Her eyes were also a bright red instead of green like Coria. They at first both stared at each other for a while in amazement. Eventually, the other girl spoke, "I thought I was the only one like me...Wh-who are you?". Coria put the lantern down, then helped the girl up to her feet, in which she said "I'm Coria", which the girl quickly replied, "I'm Veil".
Veil then asked Coria what was someone like her doing out here. Coria quickly asked her the same out of instinct. Veil was afraid Coria wouldn't believe her but figured she had nothing to lose now. "Do you know what a Treefolk Garden is?", she began to say. Coria only looked on, puzzled. Veil then figured the answer was no, so she explained it a place where reclusive treefolk appear on rare occasions. She was wandering out on her own, feeling like an outcast to everyone else, when a treefolk had emerged. She wasn't sure why it did what it did, but it suddenly picked up a large, dead, log, and was about to swing it and crush her with it. Veil was sure she'd be dead, but suddenly began to see strange images. Just before she was hit, she was suddenly now in a large graveyard. Cold and dark, it made her rather unsettled. Not sure what to make of her situation, she barely took a step forward when she heard an unsettling moan. A zombie was right behind her, about to bite. In sheer panic, she cowered, wanting to go home now. Suddenly, she ended up here, no more graveyard, no more zombie.
"So...where am I now?", Veil asked a now awe struck Coria. Coria snapped out of it, which then she simply said "Um, Haltia", though unsure why she's ask that at all.
"Wait," Veil began to say. "I'm on Haltia?" She then breathed a sigh of relief, saying that Haltia was her home and that she was glad she made it back. Coria was rather confused now, having no idea what to make of all this. She then suddenly remembered a story her father once told her, about the human faction leader Geral, and how he was a planeswalker, able to go to other worlds and explore, though he often chose not to, in order to properly lead his people. Thinking back on that, she wondered if Veil was possibly one too. She then figured she'd tell Veil that Haltia was her home too.
"Wait, am I really!?", said Veil in surprise. She couldn't believe that both of them were actually born on this world. She then asked Coria if she knew if there were any others like them. "I doubt it really", she said. Veil was a little disappointed in that, but was still happy there was someone else like her.
Coria now figured that Veil needed to know the truth, about the fact that she was a walker. Before she could say anything though, she heard a loud voice saying, "Hey! What's that light there?" Both of them turned around to see more lights, coming closer rather fast. Before long, they were surrounded by a bunch of human men, machetes raised at them. Veil cowered behind Coria, asking what was happening.
Coria wasn't sure what else to do but simply say, "Don't worry Veil, it's going to be ok, I think...."
So, as you may remember, I teach writing at the college level, and, because we are just now coming up on final drafts and the usual end-of-semester things that we do, I've had the writing process on my mind of late.
With this in mind, I want you to know that I have read this, but I'm not going to give you a review of it. At least, not yet. I want to try a little exercise first, if you're willing to. What I would like you to do is simply answer a question for me: What is the purpose of this piece? Don't read into that question, because I don't mean anything by it. But one thing I tell my students repeatedly is "keep your purpose in mind," and so before I analyze this, I want to know what you think the purpose is. What are you trying to convey to your readers in this piece? What are you trying to accomplish? And I would really like you to challenge yourself and give me just one answer. If you had to pick one, singular thing that you hope to accomplish with the 477 words above, what would that one thing be?
(Again, I promise I will give you my reading at some point here, but I really want to try this exercise with you.)
Anyways, to me, the point I tried to create in this first chapter is to convey Haltia itself at a glimpse. It's also to tell the reader of a conflict, the purpose of it, and how it came to be. Last, it tells of the speaker herself, of her views on Haltia and the war, and the effect it's had on her and everyone else.
I think I did the challenge correctly, right? Oh, and I actually forgot to put a sentence at the end of chapter 1. Let me go do that now.
If you had to pick one, singular thing that you hope to accomplish with the 477 words above, what would that one thing be?
So, I asked you to choose one thing this section (I hesitate to call it a chapter, merely owing to it's length, but to each their own, of course) was trying to accomplish. You listed three things.
This is very important, and I'll tell you why. This is only a few paragraphs long, less than 500 words, and in your mind, you're trying to do three very important things. That's a lot of things to squeeze into a little space, and the result is a section without a focus. Remember what I said about what I tell my students? The thing about always keeping your purpose in mind? That's very important here. For instance, if you absolutely, categorically, no exceptions allowed, had to tell your readers about ONE of those three things, the world, the conflict, or the narrator, which would you choose? Which one is the most important to you and the story you want to tell?
Here's why this is so important for you to answer for yourself: The first section of this piece reads like an omniscient third person narrator, an invisible entity who is telling us, the readers, about the world. By using third person omniscient narrators, you are establishing an immediate expectation with your readers that the narrator knows everything that is going on and will clue us in on the relevant information. So, right off the bat, you are signaling to your readers that we will need to have an immediate familiarity with Haltia's basic geographical and socio-political layout, as well as a bit of the information on the specific, ongoing war.
HOWEVER, at the end of the second paragraph, you suddenly switch to a first person limited point of view and thrust us into the head of your narrator. This poses two serious problems. The first is the sudden shift is jarring to readers. The second is that it creates a strong disconnect between the main character and our expectations of her. Basically, the first ten sentences or so are written almost like a excerpt from a textbook, whereas the rest is written like a young woman's personal journal. Neither one of these are necessarily bad, but the split in focus causes that disconnect.
For example, imagine that you happened upon the diary of a sixteen year old girl from somewhere in America. What do you think the odds are that she begins her diary like this:
An American Girl wrote:
Earth, a planet with numerous and varied landscapes, like the icecaps at the poles, deserts in the warmer climates, and numerous wetlands and forests throughout. There are numerous people on this planet, and many different cultures and languages. Through times of peace and war, they share this truly spectacular planet. But then war started. It was due to a number of complex issues that came from the strained culture clashes that those people encountered when they interacted with one another, and even though it only simmered for a time, eventually, it erupted into war because of issues like greed, power, and people's beliefs in great, intangible deities, who were worshiped differently by many people. And so, here I am, just sorta thinking about all of this...
The point I'm trying to make is that doing the character work from a first person point of view is fine, and probably a good way to go, but you need to keep your focus in mind, your purpose. If you're going to set a story in first person, I personally think your main priority should be to establish the character, not the world. That can all be revealed to us later, through her eyes. Very few people analyze the world they live in like an omniscient third person narrator would, especially not sixteen year old kids who are going through some serious social issues.
Whenever I write a character, I always try to put myself in their place, to momentarily give myself their lives and their motivations, and then I put them in situations and see how they react. It's not always the way you expect. But this exercise is especially important if you want to write in the first person point of view. If your readers are going to accept your protagonist, she has to feel real to us.
So, with all that in mind, I have a few concrete pieces of advice for you. Feel free to disagree with me, of course, this is all just my personal take and my personal approach. First, hold off on the exposition and focus instead on the character. Show us what she's like and how she thinks and experiences her life. Second, take your time. I'm not saying you need to write 10,000 words or anything, but don't feel rushed. Let us, the readers, spend a little time with your character. Drop in little moments to give us hints about the world, but only as they relate to your character.
For example, your narrator is the adopted daughter of the king of the wolf-folk. Fine. And the king is away at the front, yes? Good! Maybe your character should ask one of his servants/soldiers/courtiers if they've had any news from him at the front. That's all you need. That little moment, which you can accomplish in perhaps 50 words, tells us her dad's the king, there's a war, and he's fighting it. We don't need more than that. It also tells us something about the speaker (that she cares about her father's wellbeing) and potentially more than that, depending on how you have her ask and how she responds.
One thing I suggest is reading a few of the character pieces in our Archives to get a sense of how they tackle showing world-building information to the reader. I think OrcishLibrarian's Small Magic or Tevish Szat's Before the Dawn are both good examples of using worldbuilding to heighten character development, rather than making them separate entities.
The last thing I'll leave you with is a little writing exercise I've come up with. Feel free to use it if you like, but don't feel like you have to, by any means. I call it the dialog game. It's a way to look at your characters through different lens. Basically, what you do is you make up three characters. They can be anything, usually stock characters work well for this. The key, though, is to make them very different. Maybe, in your case, a guard, a servant, and young wolf the same age as your narrator. Then, write up a brief conversation, one on one, between your narrator and each of those characters. Start out with the same, or a very similar, line, certain about the same topic. Everybody reacts a little differently to different people and different kinds of people. See where the conversations go. It can really help you get a feel for your character. Is she going to be a little scared of the guard? Is she going to be defensive around the wolf her own age? Try to work in little facts about the world, but try to do it naturally, the same way you would if you were talking to someone in real life.
Anyway, I hope some of that helps. If you have any questions, or if anything I said wasn't clear, just ask.
Hmm...Seeing all these points, I'm gonna work some changes to the chapter now. To answer your character details question, you'll start seeing a lot of it in the next chapter and beyond so don't worry, it'll happen. I put the old and new versions in the OP.
EDIT: Might as well.
Chapter 2: A young girl's lament
Coria sure wasn't like the others, with her red skin, with no fur, and her light peach muzzle. She had many thick quills running from the sides of her head down to her neck, along with a head of very short, burgundy hair. She wore a tan midriff sleeveless shirt made out of the fur from a Haltian pig, large boars that often ate off of the mountain rock. She also had a pair of long tan pants said to be made from the same boar the shirt was from. The shoes she wore were the same way. Coria also had a short tail that sharply tapered at the end, and bright green eyes. Coria was rather of an average build, compared to the more burly wolves, but was still no slouch in combat, though the others never really saw it. Coria was sitting on her bed in her room, a room which had been carved out of the mountains from ancient times. A single large window was on the outer wall, the only real opening except for the door, though it was still enough to give the room ample light. It also had a large dresser, said to be, from a century ago or so, carved from a mighty tree of the southern forests. The bed frame was supposedly from the same tree too. The mattress was made from pig skin and filled with the feathers from a mighty Roc, which often acted as carrion eaters. Lamps, lit by a form of red mana, were located on the dresser, giving additional light and warmth to the room. Coria however held dear one other object in her room, a small framed picture of her when she was only two and her dad, both smiling and enjoying each other's company.
"Oh dad...", said Coria as she glanced over at the picture. "I hope one day we can finally put this stupid war away and be free again." she said as a single tear started to form in her right eye.
Just then, a knock was heard at the door of her room. Coria quickly wiped away the lone tear, got up, and opened it. It was Holer, the one assigned to watch over her while her dad was away. Holer had good ties with the king and as a result was basically considered by many second in command. He was more stout than most other wolves and a bit smaller too, but his years battle experience was almost never questioned. He stood there with his trademark long, brown, pig skin robe, and what looked like a small grey beard, with a slight look of concern on his face.
"Ah there you are Coria", he said, his expression now changed to a small smile. "Didn't see you outside today so I got worried. Is something bothering you?"
Coria's expression had turned into one of slight shame. "*sigh* Yeah...", she said. "It's just that I've been really worried about dad, I mean, he's almost never home and I worry something bad is going to happen to him"
"Yes, this war has taken it's toll on most everyone", said Holer. "However, I think something else is bothering you too, something, deeper".
"What?", said Coria. "There's nothing else, really."
Holer smile faded. He knew Coria was hiding some sort of sadness and could tell she was afraid to say what exactly it was. Holer then said, "Coria, come on, I've known you long enough to know when you're hiding something. You might as well just say it now, when no one else is around."
"Ok ok, fine..." Coria said loudly. "*sigh* I feel like nobody really likes me, that I'm useless to them..."
Holer replied "What? I like you. Triel likes you. Why would you say that?"
"I know you and dad do, but..." Coria said, now with a small tear forming in one of her eyes. "I feel as though everyone else thinks of me as a weak little pretty girl that'll never amount to anything..."
"Is that so...?" Holer said. He then saw the tear in her eye and said, with a concerned tone "I've never known you to choke up talking about anything so this must be serious. Why didn't you tell us about all this?"
Coria's started to get a bit upset now. "Dad already has enough on his plate with the war and all and the last thing I want to do is add more to it OK?!" She then saw Holer cringing somewhat after that. "I-I...I'm sorry, I didn't mean to lash at you like th-"
"Coria" said Holer, now back to a more neutral expression. "It's fine. I can now definitely see the pain, and I understand now. You could've at least told me though, I wouldn't have told a soul.
Coria was surprised at this. Normally, everything that Holer was told was relayed to Triel if it had to be so this was a shock to her. "Wait, really?" she said, wiping the tear from her eye.
"Of course, I understand your reasons for keeping this secret for so long, you mearly don't want to stress out Triel more and potentially cause something bad to happen as a result. Hmm...tell you what, come with me to the grand mess hall, my treat."
"Um...Holer?" Coria said with concern. "You do realize that they've never let me in there, right?"
"WHAT?! Are you serious?!" Holer said in a rather surprised tone. "This is much worse than a thought then. Let me come with you, I'll force them to let you in. I may be old, but I still got it in me, what do you say?"
"Well..." Coria began to say. She then smiled and said "I don't see why not."
"Perfect! Follow me then" said Holer.
"Oh, wait, let me get something first" Coria said. She tapped twice on the wall next to the dresser, with it doing a half complete rotation, revealing a manner of clothes. Coria then reached in and grabbed what looked like a medium sized acoustic guitar, the very one that got Coria into music in the first place. "It'll let me kill time while waiting for the food" she said.
With that, the two headed out, with Coria taking one last glance at the picture on the dresser, with a smile on her face.
Okay. While there are certainly still problems here in chapter two, I definitely think it's an improvement over chapter one, including the revised chapter one. Your description of Coria is pretty decent, with specific descriptors and some varied word choice. I like it. Also, I do think you do a decent job of conveying Coria's overall melancholy at her situation.
That being said, there are a lot of things that could be improved. For one thing, your constant mixing of modern terminology with the fantasy aesthetic is pretty distracting. This world seems to be sort of middle-ages type fantasy stock, which is good for what you've set up. But then you talk about midriff shirts, acoustic guitars, and pictures (which sound from your description like a photograph). Also, why are so many things "said to be" something? If you can tell us specifically what her shirt is made of, why only give us a rumor about her pants? Wouldn't we know that just as much? Same with her dresser and her bed, which are "said to be" or "supposedly" from some tree. It weakens the narrative doing that unless there's a reason for the mystery, and I'm not seeing a reason here.
The conversation with Holer is not bad, although I've never known young people to admit their uncomfortable feelings to an adult, even one they trust, that quickly, but it's whatever. I will say, though, that you should never put "*sigh*" within dialog. Make is an action outside of the dialog. Something like this:
Quote:
Coria's expression had turned into one of slight shame. She sighed deeply before speaking. "Yeah...", she said. "It's just that I've been really worried about dad, I mean, he's almost never home and I worry something bad is going to happen to him"
(Italics added only to show my change.)
The last thing I'll say about this is that you should not shift between first and third person point of view between chapters. I know I'm the one who suggested first person point of view in your first chapter, but as I feel your style of narration is better here in chapter two, I would suggest you stick to that.
So, overall, I think you are making some improvements, and while Chapter two is far from perfect, I do think it's the best thing you've posted on this forum so far, and that's hopeful.
For one thing, your constant mixing of modern terminology with the fantasy aesthetic is pretty distracting. This world seems to be sort of middle-ages type fantasy stock, which is good for what you've set up. But then you talk about midriff shirts, acoustic guitars, and pictures (which sound from your description like a photograph).
I guess I could've explained things better in the chapter. However, midriff shirts do exist in MTG(if there's a more proper term that should be used though, let me know please). Also, going back on what I just said here, by acoustic guitar, I mean like the ones bards use and by pictures, I mean something like this:
Quote:
Also, why are so many things "said to be" something? If you can tell us specifically what her shirt is made of, why only give us a rumor about her pants? Wouldn't we know that just as much? Same with her dresser and her bed, which are "said to be" or "supposedly" from some tree. It weakens the narrative doing that unless there's a reason for the mystery, and I'm not seeing a reason here.
I'm good with details in my head but when it comes to getting them out, well....yeah. Just saying.
Quote:
The conversation with Holer is not bad, although I've never known young people to admit their uncomfortable feelings to an adult, even one they trust, that quickly, but it's whatever. I will say, though, that you should never put "*sigh*" within dialog. Make is an action outside of the dialog
I probably should've put that in the chapter but the reason behind the quick admission is because she knows perfectly well that Holer was just gonna bug her until she said it. As for the "sigh" part, I only did that as I had no other idea how it was done.
Quote:
The last thing I'll say about this is that you should not shift between first and third person point of view between chapters. I know I'm the one who suggested first person point of view in your first chapter, but as I feel your style of narration is better here in chapter two, I would suggest you stick to that.
That's what I kind of was going to do in the first place actually. There is one more part like that somewhere in the story but that's it.
While it is true that instruments similar to a modern guitar have existed for thousands of years, when I see the term, especially when prefaced by "acoustic", I think modern. If I were going to make something similar but with an older feel, I would say "Lute" or maybe "chordophone." For the picture, I see your point, although I'd go "drawing" or "portrait" or something, just to clear up the confusion. For the midriff shirt, just describe it. Don't call it a midriff shirt, explain what it looks like. That will avoid the issue.
One thing that stuck out to me with the revision is when you say the pattern in her shoes denotes her as a member of the royal bloodline. This may be a minor nitpick, but as an obviously adopted child, I would argue that while she is certainly a member of the royal family, she is not, technically, of the bloodline. Admittedly, that division may be meaningless on Haltia, but it jumped out at me.
One thing that stuck out to me with the revision is when you say the pattern in her shoes denotes her as a member of the royal bloodline. This may be a minor nitpick, but as an obviously adopted child, I would argue that while she is certainly a member of the royal family, she is not, technically, of the bloodline. Admittedly, that division may be meaningless on Haltia, but it jumped out at me.
Also, the error with the "*sigh*" is still there.
I already made the change in the OP but here's the change itself here for the royal bloodline part:
"This kind of pattern was unique as it belonged to only to ones considered to be part of the royal bloodline. Even though Coria wasn't born under it and therefore wasn't really of royal blood, she still was considered part of the family that the bloodline entails."
As for the "*sigh*" part, it would seem I somehow missed one of them, but it's fixed now.
Not long after Coria and Holer got to the entrance was there a shout of "HALT!" from the lone guard there.
"Coria, for the last time, you have to be sixteen to enter, you're not quite there yet." he said.
Coria retorted, with her palm on her face, "You just don't get it do you? I AM sixteen!"
The guard replied, "Nooooo, you're fifteen, and you know the rules."
Holer was rather perplexed at first watching the two go at it, but eventually stepped in and said "Wait, who told you she was fifteen?"
"Holer!", the guard said in shock. "I-I didn't see you there", he continued, bowing in the process. "Anyways, I'm sure she isn't sixtee-"
Holer cut him off, saying "Have you forgotten her birthday was about a month ago?", with a rather displeased look on his face. The guard then went into thought, trying to remember.
"Whoa!", the guard said, realizing that what Holer said was true. "Princess Coria, I am SO sorry, this war has taken it's toll on my memory you see and..."
Coria was rather surprised, nobody had ever called her princess besides Triel before, mainly because she made well aware to others in the past that she didn't exactly liked being called that title, she however in this case was slightly amused.
"At ease, at ease", she said with a smile. "The war hasn't just taken it's toll on just you, I understand. Oh, and for the record, I prefer not to be called princess, just saying", she continued".
Coria, was now starting to giggle a little. "oh calm down, it's just something to keep in mind", she said. "Anyways, Holer, ready?"
Holer was kind of confused, since the war started, he'd never seen her in this bubbly mood. "Uh uh, huh? Oh, um, yes. Sorry, just thinking about some things"
The two then proceeded through the archway into the hall. The Grand Mess hall was rather huge, carved out of the mountain since who knows when. Inside was many massive tables, most stretching from one end to the other of the hall. Banners from past generations were also hung here. While the mess hall was basically underground, the rock itself was rather poreus, though the naked eye would never notice, and as a result let air in and out of the place. The rock was still rather tough and not something that would cave in anytime soon. The red mana lights here were massive, giving light to the entire place despite it's size.
The hall also had all sorts of food, from pig meat, to Roc eggs, fruit, even the random vegetables grown in the farms outside. Rabbage was often the most consumed of the vegetables, a ball of red plume-like leaves with a hint of sweetness, due to it's ease of cultivating. A popular fruit among the wolves was the Wolfersti, a rather sweet, blue, and oval shaped item that's often used in certain desserts and drinks.
With the war slowing down a lot, the places was more packed then it had been since it started. Soldiers returning home from battle or patrols and guard duties was the main contributing factor for this. Along the walls were long areas called serving stores, where the prepared food was placed and to be purchased.
Coria was almost lost in all the good smells of all the food, so much so that she hadn't noticed Holer go to the serving store without her. She proceeded to sit at one of the few round tables and, with her lute in hand, proceeded to play. The hall was rather loud ever since it got more packed, with all the shouts, random story contests, and the occasional messy eater, but Coria didn't care as she could still hear the music she played. She eventually snapped out of her food smell stupor, realizing Holer was gone. She quickly spotted him finishing up at the serving store though and went back to playing, figuring he'd be back soon with the food. Just then, she looked up for a second and noticed a group of three guys standing in front of her. "Still playing that baby music little kid?", one of them said laughing in a mocking manner. Coria then realized that it was Freig and his posse, whom often bullied her the most out of anyone.
"Frieg", she began to say in an angry tone. "This "baby" music is what keeps me sane from idiots like you".
Frieg and the other two were rather surprised at this as Coria never stood up to them like this before, but Frieg proceeded to say "Well well well, looks like the little baby has grown up a bit, but seriously, you're weak, little nobody."
Coria was now getting real angry. "Frieg, last warning, go away or else!" she said.
"Or what?" Frieg mockingly said, getting in her face now. "You're...weak, let me show you how right now". At the moment, he grabbed Coria's lute out of her hand, and smashed it on the floor, with a sound that made the entire hall quiet. Coria felt like something in her died at that moment, she rushed to where her splintered lute now lay and getting on her hands and knees, tears starting to gush from her eyes. Holer had just saw, on his way back from the serving store, Coria on the floor, in anguish. He dropped everything and ran to where she was, with Frieg and the others laughing at Coria, saying out loud of how she was such a crybaby.
At the moment, something in Coria just snapped. She took her now broken lute, got up and tackled Frieg to the ground. She then proceeded to pummel him repeatedly with it, not noticing that her lute had basically disintegrated and now was a red, glowing, somewhat see through lute that was of a completely different form. Everyone in the hall watched in horror as Coria just beat Frieg senseless. After she got about ten to thirteen hits, Holer was finally able to grab the now glowing instrument, shouting "ENOUGH!....I think he got the point". The instrument then vanished, much to Holer's surprise. Coria wasn't done though, she proceeded to kneel on the floor, grabbing a now bruised and somewhat bloodied Frieg by his shirt collar, saying "You broke my *sob* soul, now you know what it feels like to be BROKEN!"
"Coria, enough!" shouted Holer. "Let me handle this!"
Coria then dropped Frieg, and ran out of the Grand Mess Hall, sobbing madly all the way. Holer, now rather angry, looked at Frieg's posse, demanding what they did. After being told everything from them, and various witnesses, Holer had now fully understood the scope of the fear and torment Coria was going through. He went to look for her, but somehow couldn't find her. Nobody saw her after that, even the various guards, including the one that was stationed outside the Grand Mess Hall had seen her after that. Getting worried, he was about to make a search party for her when a guard from the outer gates leading out of the kingdom rushed to him.
"Holer, we got a problem.", he said.
"Look, I don't have time for this..." Holer said. "Unless you have seen Coria, then I do-"
He was cut of by the guard that then said "That's the thing, Coria, she...she managed to barge passed us and ran out of the gates"
"WHAT?! She did what?!" Holer said in utter shock. "Get a search party, get her back, now!"
"But I thought only Triel had the authority to-" the guard began to say but Holer quickly cut him off, saying "I don't care! Get a search party, or I'll report you to him on a silver platter!"
"Ok ok! On it now!" the guard replied, rushing out to get one formed.
"Coria..." Holer began to say, with tears in his eyes. "I'm so sorry...please be ok. Please..."
I have to question what the point of the ancient history is to the story. All of the story takes place in Coria's mind and memory, but she does absolutely no reflection on the story, or what it means to her, or why she's even thinking about it in the first place. Once again, like I mentioned in previous chapters, people don't typically view their own world in this way. Imagine if every time you see someone shaking hands, you stop and reflect on how medieval knights started the custom to show that they were unarmed, which can be traced back to X year and Y conflict and so forth and so on. Why would Coria know this story? Was she taught it in school or by private, royal tutors? If so, why is she thinking about it? Clearly, you want to present this story to the reader, but how you do that has to make sense.
Also, I'm not liking the whole non-alcoholic drinking contest thing. It seems very strange, and, at least so far, seems to serve no purpose. I think it's odd that the ancient wolf needed Alcohol to gain superhuman (superwolf?) speed, but I can at least buy that (although there should probably be a parallel with the Fox and the Human, who should probably have to do "something" to activate their magic, too.) But firstly, non-alcoholic drinks made to look and taste like real alcoholic drinks are a very new concept, and I find it hard to justify a culture like this one you describe even bothering to invent them, let alone venerating them in contest form. What exactly is the point of the drinking contest with non-alcoholic drinks?
Basically, I feel this chapter doesn't do a lot for your story. It DOES provide a little bit of character development between Coria and Holer, but not much. I think you might want to consider, if you feel this legend needs to be told, having Holer tell Coria this story at some point. It would allow for reactions from Coria, and also allow your readers to share Coria's sense of discovery as she hears the story. Also, be sure to proof-read. I saw numerous spelling and grammatical errors.
I do not have time to get into Chapter 4 right now, as I have a doctor's appointment, but I'll try to get to it relatively soon.
Okay, I'm liking this chapter a bit more than the other ones. You're getting into some characterization now, and some useful characterization, at that. We get an actual "show" of Coria's feelings here rather than a "telling" of them, which I think perfectly illustrates that old "Show, don't Tell" mantra in creative writing. I also like that Holer leaving her shows both a lack of understanding on his part for what she's going through, as well as leads to an illustration of how much he does seem to care about her.
All that being said, this chapter is still far from perfect. There's still a lot of modern stuff in here that feels really out of place in a fantasy setting. Using such a modern term as "guys," for instance, sticks out like a sore thumb while I'm reading. "Bullying" also seemed like a modern term for a modern issue. I mean, I'm sure numerous elements of what we now call "Bullying" has existed forever, but it seems out of place to me (as well as insults like "crybaby"). Also, on a similar note, I personally cannot conceive of a group of people in a Medieval feudal setting with a central monarch (the king) bullying the King's only daughter. Like, that seems like an INSANELY bad idea. And, because of the way the guard treated Coria, we know that while she doesn't get preferential treatment, she does get a certain degree of reverence due to her position. So the concept still bothers me, just because it seems highly unlikely given the circumstance.
That being said, her moment of snapping made a lot of sense to me. To a point, it seemed like living out a real-life fantasy, but I do think it was fairly cathartic, and I actually think you did a good job with the emergence of her mystical instrument. That was well-done, and probably my favorite part of the whole thing so far. That felt real to me, a moment of discovery in a highly emotional moment. And then her running away also makes quite a bit of sense.
So like I said, I think this is the strongest part you've written so far. I still see flaws with the story as a whole and the presentation of the world in general, but this is an improvement.
I guess the execution of telling the history I screwed up on. Also, I think I see what you mean by the drinks.
@Ch.4 stuff:
Uh...Remember that I don't know what words are considered "modern" here...Also, it seems I screwed up and forgot to put two certain things in ch. 4:
1. The reason for Holer leaving Coria alone was due to him not realizing that she wasn't behind him still(and yes, it's a thing that can happen).
2.The bullying part, well, I'm sure you know the phrase "When the cats are away", right? It's basically the same thing. They bully Coria when Triel is not there, preying on the fact that she's likely too scared to say anything.
That being said, I'm starting to feel a bit worried. Not because of the critisism but rather the lack of it. You are right now the only one even bothering to read and say anything about this. I just feel a little overshadowed is all.
EDIT: Fixed up ch.3. Revised version in first post
I think I'm going to do an in-line for this, for simplicity's sake. I'll highlight my additions, cuts, and comments in red. The cuts I will also strike through. Also, I will highlight in blue the things I have comments on. I will say, though, that I like the new chapter three MUCH better. The history lesson works much better coming from Holer than being reflected on by Coria, and as readers we can wonder why Holer is bringing it up, rather than have to wonder why you, the writer, is mentioning it. It reads much better, helps with characterizations, and, in my opinion, just works better.
Coria walked along to the grand mess hall with Holer by her side. Along the way, she decided to be extra observant in her surroundings, not out of paranoia, but rather curiosity as- I would suggest splitting this into two sentences, because it reads as though you are switching subjects. while Holer often observed Coria from a distance when he watched her, he never really hung out- here's another instance of modern language. I would say something like "spent time with" or something. with her in public. Coria had always wondered why but in the end figured it was due to him not wanting to embarrass her. She was often a bit tense while out in public due to the way the other wolves often treated her but she now felt rather relaxed for some reason. - The repetition of "often" here is unnecessary, and really stands out. I would suggest dropping the second one.
Despite about three quarters of the main city being located in the mountains themselves, the remaining parts was actually quite open to the elements. Coria took in everything she saw, from the younger wolves play fighting with each other to the older ones talking and laughing about certain things that happened. She saw a couple blacksmith shops, where ironworkers made weapons of war along with things for more, peaceful applications, like utensils and various other tools. She also saw some areas which were known as food pits, where a lot of the basic food, including most of the meat that comes in save for the highest quality cuts, were prepared and then transported to wherever it needed to go, most going to the grand mess hall. Needless to say, food pits are not actual pits, but rather refer to more ancient times where a food pit was a small hole dug in the ground for the fire that was used for preparing food. Various markets and shops also dotted the place, selling things from dolls made from boar hair, to supplies, to furniture, and many more.
The wolves were not all about food and war though. They had their form of recreations, like war story contests, where the best story of battle would win, if the storytellers could prove it through scars, war trophies, or whatever they had that could convince the listeners. There was also a game among children called pig hunt, where the biggest and oldest would don a small boar pelt and try to avoid being pinned for too long or having the pelt fall off for a certain amount of time. Archery was a popular activity among the young adults, with even full grown wolves wanting doing it- tense issues. It should read "wanting to do it" for real battle purposes. As Coria, took in everything she saw, her train of thought was broken by a voice.
"Coria",- This is a mistake you make often, so I'm not going to point it out every time. Punctuation goes inside the end quotation mark. If you already have punctuation there, like a question mark or something, then do not include the comma. said Holer.
Coria quickly replied in surprise, "Hmm, yes?"
"I know that the tutors have taught you a lot of things", Holer began to say, "but have they really gone in depth in the history lessons yet?"
Coria wasn't sure why he was asking this but replied anyways by saying, "Um...I wouldn't say, in depth, why?"
"Want to learn it right now?", said Holer.
"Well...", Coria began to say, "Well, I don't see why not."
"Ok, it's settled then!", said Holer. "Let's begin." - Because there's no change in speakers, there is no need to break the paragraph here. "During ancient times there was a great battle called the Hellwurm War, in which giant wurms that used to dominate Haltia had caused untold havoc amongst the beings of Haltia. Where even the great ancient spirits, ethereal beings said to be like gods, couldn't stop them."
"Wurms?", said Coria with curiousity.
"Yes, think the little worms the baby Rocs eat", said Holer, who then proceeded to point to a large shop, "but as big as that building right there."
Coria started to picture a wurm in her mind based on what Holer said, and could see how they could do so much harm.
"Anyways, for centuries, the humans, foxes, and wolves of Haltia lived in solitude from one another. It wasn't until the wurms awakened and caused extensive loss of life and damage that they came together and united. With support from the ancient spirits, the wurms were defeated and peace had finally coame."
"Really? Just like that", Coria said with excitement.
"Well...I wouldn't say just like that, so to speak", Holer began to say. "Because at one point, the queen wurm showed herself, and that was when the outcome looked dire for us."
"Queen...wurm...?" said Coria, scared at the thought and image in her head of something even more terrifying than the building size wurm Holer pointed out. - I would say "mentioned" or "described." "Pointed out" implies that he literally pointed to the wurm.
"Heh, yes" said Holer. "But then, three heroes, one from each race, had emerged and called upon a secret power during that dire time."
"Oh? Who were they?", Coria said- I'd say "asked", her excitement building again.
"Well, there was the fox hero, Velida, who used her special connections with the ancient spirits to turn into a giant, walking tree, with the ability to summon massive briars out of the ground. The wolf hero, Grundel, drank alcohol, which on it's own was nothing special, but when he did, he gained the speed of an Elder Roc, which are said to be able to traverse from one end of Haltia to the other in just one to two days time or even less, and the strength of a thousand wolves, though it was rumored that any drink with enough potency could trigger that, he just liked using that particular drink- What particular drink? You only mention the generic term "alcohol.". Then the human hero, Verlite- If you're not dead-set on this name, I would change it. It's a bit awkward, and pretty similar to the fox hero's name., could focus mana into a protective shield that dissipated most attacks or he could focus that mana into a powerful blast said to shatter mountain facings."
Coria couldn't begin to imagine what she was hearing. Giant walking trees with briars? Becoming a super being with merely a potent drink? The ability to shatter mountains? She just couldn't believe that back then, there were individuals like that. - I like that we're getting some of Coria's reactions to this story. It helps to underscore how strange it is, as well as helps characterize her as someone filled with wonder.
"Anyways, these three heroes did battle with the queen, but even that couldn't completely bring it down, which and it was now starting to produce more wurms. However, in a last desperate plan, they decided to use Verlite's mana blast ability, but to focus all their entire lifeforce into it this time. They knew they wouldn't survive it, but they knew they had to sacrifice themselves for Haltia's future. With Velida's ancient connections, Grundel's alcohol power, and Verlite's mana blast, in a shot that almost literally shook all of Haltia, the queen wurm exploded in a huge shower of ichor. With the other Hellwurms without a queen, they acted and moved in a way that seemed to be like they had lost all sense of their surroundings and direction. This allowed the other Haltians to finish them off and claim victory."
"Whoa!", Coria said, with her excitement building even more. "You mean they made the queen wurm just explode?! Wow..."
"Yes, but remember that using it with that much power had killed them", said Holer.
"Oh...", Coria said, now with her excitement wearing off.
"Anyways, after the war ended and Haltia was rebuilt, the three sentient races had opened forms of trade and communication, and that's how it was, at least, until this war happened" Holer said with a deep sigh at the end. "I wish this silly thing could end for good,. I would rather not have for us to waste lives like this". - I like this little aside from Holer. Again, it's good characterization, and provides some reason that Holer might be telling this story in the first place.
Coria knew what he meant,. with so much stress among others and lives ruined by this war, she too wished it could end.
"Anyways, - Here's the thing. "Anyways" isn't a word. It should never have an "s" at the end. I know a lot of people speak that way, and a lot of people write that way, even on these boards. But it is incorrect. But the main reason I'm mentioning it is because three of Holer's last four speeches start this way, and it really stands out. we're just about there. You hungry?"
"A little, I guess", said Coria.
"A little? I can hear your stomach from here", Holer replied with a laugh. Coria had just then felt her stomach growl a little bit.
"I guess I was so absorbed in that history lesson that I didn't notice," Coria said with a giggle.
With that, they proceeded to the massive stone arch ahead that led to the entrance of the grand mess hall.
Ch.4: The last straw
Not long after Coria and Holer got to the entrance,was there- there was a shout of "HALT!" from the lone guard there.
"Coria, for the last time, you have to be sixteen to enter, you're not quite there yet.," he said.
Coria retorted, with her palm on her face, "You just don't get it do you? I AM sixteen!"
The guard replied, "Nooooo, you're fifteen, and you know the rules."
Holer was rather perplexed at first watching the two go at it, but eventually stepped in and said, "Wait, who told you she was fifteen?"
"Holer!", the guard said in shock. "I-I didn't see you there", he continued, bowing in the process. "Anyways, I'm sure she isn't sixtee-"
Holer cut him off, saying "Have you forgotten her birthday was about a month ago?", with a rather displeased look on his face. The guard then went into thought, trying to remember.
"Whoa!", the guard said, realizing that what Holer said was true. "Princess Coria, I am SO sorry, this war has taken it's toll on my memory you see and..."
Coria was rather surprised, nobody had ever called her princess besides Triel before, mainly because she made well aware to others in the past that she didn't exactly liked being called that title, she. however, in this case, she was slightly amused.
"At ease, at ease", she said with a smile. "The war hasn't just taken it's toll on just you, I understand. Oh, and for the record, I prefer not to be called princess, just saying", she continued".
Coria, was now starting to giggle a little. "oh calm down, it's just something to keep in mind", she said. "Anyways, Holer, ready?"
Holer was kind of confused,. since the war started, he'd never seen her in this bubbly of a mood. "Uh uh, huh? Oh, um, yes. Sorry, just thinking about some things."
The two then proceeded through the archway into the hall. The Grand Mess hall was rather huge, carved out of the mountain since who knows when. Inside was were many massive tables, most stretching from one end to the other of the hall. Banners from past generations were also hung here. While the mess hall was basically underground, the rock itself was rather poreus porous, though the naked eye would never notice, and as a result, the rock let air in and out of the place. The rock was still rather tough and not something that would cave in anytime soon. The red mana lights here were massive, giving light to the entire place despite it's size.
The hall also had all sorts of food, from pig meat, to Roc eggs, fruit, even the random vegetables grown in the farms outside. Rabbage was often the most consumed of the vegetables, a ball of red plume-like leaves with a hint of sweetness, due to it's ease of cultivating. A popular fruit among the wolves was the Wolfersti, a rather sweet, blue, and oval shaped item that's often used in certain desserts and drinks.
With the war slowing down a lot, the places was more packed then it had been since it started. Soldiers returning home from battle or patrols and guard duties was were the main contributing factor for this. Along the walls were long areas called serving stores, where the prepared food was placed and to could be purchased.
Coria was almost lost in all the good smells of all the food, so much so that she hadn't noticed Holer telling her he was going to the serving store for some food and then leaving. She proceeded to sit at one of the few round tables and, with her lute in hand, proceeded to play. The hall was rather loud ever since it got more packed, with all the shouts, random story contests, and the occasional messy eater, but Coria didn't care as she could still hear the music she played. She eventually snapped out of her food smell stupor, realizing Holer was gone. She quickly spotted him finishing up at the serving store though and went back to playing, figuring he'd be back soon with the food. Just then, she looked up for a second and noticed a group of three young wolf males standing in front of her. "Still playing that girly music, little kid?", one of them said laughing in a mocking manner. Coria then realized that it was Freig and his posse, whom often bullied her the most out of anyone. They always preyed upon the fact that Triel was gone a lot and figured Coria would be too scared to tell him.
"Frieg", she began to say in an angry tone. "This "girly" music is what keeps me sane from idiots like you".
Frieg and the other two were rather surprised at this as Coria never stood up to them like this before, but Frieg proceeded to say, "Well well well, looks like the little girl has grown up a bit, but seriously, you're weak, little nobody."
Coria was now getting really angry. "Frieg, last warning, go away or else!" she said.
"Or what?" Frieg mockingly said, getting in her face now. "You're...weak, let me show you how weak right now". At the moment, he grabbed Coria's lute out of her hand, and smashed it on the floor, with a sound that made the entire hall quiet. Coria felt like something in her died at that moment, she rushed to where her splintered lute now lay and getting on her hands and knees, tears starting to gush from her eyes. Holer had just saw seen, on his way back from the serving store, Coria on the floor, in anguish. He dropped everything and ran to where she was, with Frieg and the others laughing at Coria, saying out loud of how she was such a crybaby.
At the moment, something in Coria just snapped. She took her now broken lute, got up and tackled Frieg to the ground. She then proceeded to pummel him repeatedly with it, not noticing that her lute had basically disintegrated and now was a red, glowing, somewhat see through lute that was of a completely different form. Everyone in the hall watched in horror as Coria just beat Frieg senseless. After she got about ten to thirteen hits, Holer was finally able to grab the now glowing instrument, shouting "ENOUGH!....I think he got the point". The instrument then vanished, much to Holer's surprise. Coria wasn't done though, she proceeded to kneel on the floor, grabbing a now bruised and somewhat bloodied Frieg by his shirt collar, saying "You broke my *sob* soul, now you know what it feels like to be BROKEN!"
"Coria, enough!" shouted Holer. "Let me handle this!"
Coria then dropped Frieg, and ran out of the Grand Mess Hall, sobbing madly all the way. Holer, now rather angry, looked at Frieg's posse, demanding what they did. After being told everything from them, and various witnesses, Holer had now fully understood the scope of the fear and torment Coria was going through. He went to look for her, but somehow couldn't find her. Nobody saw her after that, even the various guards, including the one that was stationed outside the Grand Mess Hall had seen her after that. Getting worried, he was about to make a search party for her when a guard from the outer gates leading out of the kingdom rushed to him.
"Holer, we got a problem.", he said.
"Look, I don't have time for this..." Holer said. "Unless you have seen Coria, then I do-"
He was cut of by the guard that then said "That's the thing, Coria, she...she managed to barge passed past us and ran out of the gates"
"WHAT?! She did what?!" Holer said in utter shock. "Get a search party, get her back, now!"
"But I thought only Triel had the authority to-" the guard began to say but Holer quickly cut him off, saying "I don't care! Get a search party, or I'll report you to him on a silver platter!" - This is oddly phrased, and stands out.
"Ok ok! On it now!" the guard replied, rushing out to get one formed.
"Coria..." Holer began to say, with tears in his eyes. "I'm so sorry...please be ok. Please..."
So, there were not a whole lot of changes made from the first draft to this one for chapter 4, but like I had said, I think this was your strongest chapter, anyway. So I do think I’m seeing some degree of improvement here, which is good. As I said at the outset, I think you improved chapter 3 quite a bit, so good job there.
I think I'm going to do an in-line for this, for simplicity's sake. I'll highlight my additions, cuts, and comments in red. The cuts I will also strike through. Also, I will highlight in blue the things I have comments on. I will say, though, that I like the new chapter three MUCH better. The history lesson works much better coming from Holer than being reflected on by Coria, and as readers we can wonder why Holer is bringing it up, rather than have to wonder why you, the writer, is mentioning it. It reads much better, helps with characterizations, and, in my opinion, just works better.
Coria walked along to the grand mess hall with Holer by her side. Along the way, she decided to be extra observant in her surroundings, not out of paranoia, but rather curiosity as- I would suggest splitting this into two sentences, because it reads as though you are switching subjects. while Holer often observed Coria from a distance when he watched her, he never really hung out- here's another instance of modern language. I would say something like "spent time with" or something. with her in public. Coria had always wondered why but in the end figured it was due to him not wanting to embarrass her. She was often a bit tense while out in public due to the way the other wolves often treated her but she now felt rather relaxed for some reason. - The repetition of "often" here is unnecessary, and really stands out. I would suggest dropping the second one.
Despite about three quarters of the main city being located in the mountains themselves, the remaining parts was actually quite open to the elements. Coria took in everything she saw, from the younger wolves play fighting with each other to the older ones talking and laughing about certain things that happened. She saw a couple blacksmith shops, where ironworkers made weapons of war along with things for more, peaceful applications, like utensils and various other tools. She also saw some areas which were known as food pits, where a lot of the basic food, including most of the meat that comes in save for the highest quality cuts, were prepared and then transported to wherever it needed to go, most going to the grand mess hall. Needless to say, food pits are not actual pits, but rather refer to more ancient times where a food pit was a small hole dug in the ground for the fire that was used for preparing food. Various markets and shops also dotted the place, selling things from dolls made from boar hair, to supplies, to furniture, and many more.
The wolves were not all about food and war though. They had their form of recreations, like war story contests, where the best story of battle would win, if the storytellers could prove it through scars, war trophies, or whatever they had that could convince the listeners. There was also a game among children called pig hunt, where the biggest and oldest would don a small boar pelt and try to avoid being pinned for too long or having the pelt fall off for a certain amount of time. Archery was a popular activity among the young adults, with even full grown wolves wanting doing it- tense issues. It should read "wanting to do it" for real battle purposes. As Coria, took in everything she saw, her train of thought was broken by a voice.
"Coria",- This is a mistake you make often, so I'm not going to point it out every time. Punctuation goes inside the end quotation mark. If you already have punctuation there, like a question mark or something, then do not include the comma. said Holer.
Coria quickly replied in surprise, "Hmm, yes?"
"I know that the tutors have taught you a lot of things", Holer began to say, "but have they really gone in depth in the history lessons yet?"
Coria wasn't sure why he was asking this but replied anyways by saying, "Um...I wouldn't say, in depth, why?"
"Want to learn it right now?", said Holer.
"Well...", Coria began to say, "Well, I don't see why not."
"Ok, it's settled then!", said Holer. "Let's begin." - Because there's no change in speakers, there is no need to break the paragraph here. "During ancient times there was a great battle called the Hellwurm War, in which giant wurms that used to dominate Haltia had caused untold havoc amongst the beings of Haltia. Where even the great ancient spirits, ethereal beings said to be like gods, couldn't stop them."
"Wurms?", said Coria with curiousity.
"Yes, think the little worms the baby Rocs eat", said Holer, who then proceeded to point to a large shop, "but as big as that building right there."
Coria started to picture a wurm in her mind based on what Holer said, and could see how they could do so much harm.
"Anyways, for centuries, the humans, foxes, and wolves of Haltia lived in solitude from one another. It wasn't until the wurms awakened and caused extensive loss of life and damage that they came together and united. With support from the ancient spirits, the wurms were defeated and peace had finally coame."
"Really? Just like that", Coria said with excitement.
"Well...I wouldn't say just like that, so to speak", Holer began to say. "Because at one point, the queen wurm showed herself, and that was when the outcome looked dire for us."
"Queen...wurm...?" said Coria, scared at the thought and image in her head of something even more terrifying than the building size wurm Holer pointed out. - I would say "mentioned" or "described." "Pointed out" implies that he literally pointed to the wurm.
"Heh, yes" said Holer. "But then, three heroes, one from each race, had emerged and called upon a secret power during that dire time."
"Oh? Who were they?", Coria said- I'd say "asked", her excitement building again.
"Well, there was the fox hero, Velida, who used her special connections with the ancient spirits to turn into a giant, walking tree, with the ability to summon massive briars out of the ground. The wolf hero, Grundel, drank alcohol, which on it's own was nothing special, but when he did, he gained the speed of an Elder Roc, which are said to be able to traverse from one end of Haltia to the other in just one to two days time or even less, and the strength of a thousand wolves, though it was rumored that any drink with enough potency could trigger that, he just liked using that particular drink- What particular drink? You only mention the generic term "alcohol.". Then the human hero, Verlite- If you're not dead-set on this name, I would change it. It's a bit awkward, and pretty similar to the fox hero's name., could focus mana into a protective shield that dissipated most attacks or he could focus that mana into a powerful blast said to shatter mountain facings."
Coria couldn't begin to imagine what she was hearing. Giant walking trees with briars? Becoming a super being with merely a potent drink? The ability to shatter mountains? She just couldn't believe that back then, there were individuals like that. - I like that we're getting some of Coria's reactions to this story. It helps to underscore how strange it is, as well as helps characterize her as someone filled with wonder.
"Anyways, these three heroes did battle with the queen, but even that couldn't completely bring it down, which and it was now starting to produce more wurms. However, in a last desperate plan, they decided to use Verlite's mana blast ability, but to focus all their entire lifeforce into it this time. They knew they wouldn't survive it, but they knew they had to sacrifice themselves for Haltia's future. With Velida's ancient connections, Grundel's alcohol power, and Verlite's mana blast, in a shot that almost literally shook all of Haltia, the queen wurm exploded in a huge shower of ichor. With the other Hellwurms without a queen, they acted and moved in a way that seemed to be like they had lost all sense of their surroundings and direction. This allowed the other Haltians to finish them off and claim victory."
"Whoa!", Coria said, with her excitement building even more. "You mean they made the queen wurm just explode?! Wow..."
"Yes, but remember that using it with that much power had killed them", said Holer.
"Oh...", Coria said, now with her excitement wearing off.
"Anyways, after the war ended and Haltia was rebuilt, the three sentient races had opened forms of trade and communication, and that's how it was, at least, until this war happened" Holer said with a deep sigh at the end. "I wish this silly thing could end for good,. I would rather not have for us to waste lives like this". - I like this little aside from Holer. Again, it's good characterization, and provides some reason that Holer might be telling this story in the first place.
Coria knew what he meant,. with so much stress among others and lives ruined by this war, she too wished it could end.
"Anyways, - Here's the thing. "Anyways" isn't a word. It should never have an "s" at the end. I know a lot of people speak that way, and a lot of people write that way, even on these boards. But it is incorrect. But the main reason I'm mentioning it is because three of Holer's last four speeches start this way, and it really stands out. we're just about there. You hungry?"
"A little, I guess", said Coria.
"A little? I can hear your stomach from here", Holer replied with a laugh. Coria had just then felt her stomach growl a little bit.
"I guess I was so absorbed in that history lesson that I didn't notice," Coria said with a giggle.
With that, they proceeded to the massive stone arch ahead that led to the entrance of the grand mess hall.
Ch.4: The last straw
Not long after Coria and Holer got to the entrance,was there- there was a shout of "HALT!" from the lone guard there.
"Coria, for the last time, you have to be sixteen to enter, you're not quite there yet.," he said.
Coria retorted, with her palm on her face, "You just don't get it do you? I AM sixteen!"
The guard replied, "Nooooo, you're fifteen, and you know the rules."
Holer was rather perplexed at first watching the two go at it, but eventually stepped in and said, "Wait, who told you she was fifteen?"
"Holer!", the guard said in shock. "I-I didn't see you there", he continued, bowing in the process. "Anyways, I'm sure she isn't sixtee-"
Holer cut him off, saying "Have you forgotten her birthday was about a month ago?", with a rather displeased look on his face. The guard then went into thought, trying to remember.
"Whoa!", the guard said, realizing that what Holer said was true. "Princess Coria, I am SO sorry, this war has taken it's toll on my memory you see and..."
Coria was rather surprised, nobody had ever called her princess besides Triel before, mainly because she made well aware to others in the past that she didn't exactly liked being called that title, she. however, in this case, she was slightly amused.
"At ease, at ease", she said with a smile. "The war hasn't just taken it's toll on just you, I understand. Oh, and for the record, I prefer not to be called princess, just saying", she continued".
Coria, was now starting to giggle a little. "oh calm down, it's just something to keep in mind", she said. "Anyways, Holer, ready?"
Holer was kind of confused,. since the war started, he'd never seen her in this bubbly of a mood. "Uh uh, huh? Oh, um, yes. Sorry, just thinking about some things."
The two then proceeded through the archway into the hall. The Grand Mess hall was rather huge, carved out of the mountain since who knows when. Inside was were many massive tables, most stretching from one end to the other of the hall. Banners from past generations were also hung here. While the mess hall was basically underground, the rock itself was rather poreus porous, though the naked eye would never notice, and as a result, the rock let air in and out of the place. The rock was still rather tough and not something that would cave in anytime soon. The red mana lights here were massive, giving light to the entire place despite it's size.
The hall also had all sorts of food, from pig meat, to Roc eggs, fruit, even the random vegetables grown in the farms outside. Rabbage was often the most consumed of the vegetables, a ball of red plume-like leaves with a hint of sweetness, due to it's ease of cultivating. A popular fruit among the wolves was the Wolfersti, a rather sweet, blue, and oval shaped item that's often used in certain desserts and drinks.
With the war slowing down a lot, the places was more packed then it had been since it started. Soldiers returning home from battle or patrols and guard duties was were the main contributing factor for this. Along the walls were long areas called serving stores, where the prepared food was placed and to could be purchased.
Coria was almost lost in all the good smells of all the food, so much so that she hadn't noticed Holer telling her he was going to the serving store for some food and then leaving. She proceeded to sit at one of the few round tables and, with her lute in hand, proceeded to play. The hall was rather loud ever since it got more packed, with all the shouts, random story contests, and the occasional messy eater, but Coria didn't care as she could still hear the music she played. She eventually snapped out of her food smell stupor, realizing Holer was gone. She quickly spotted him finishing up at the serving store though and went back to playing, figuring he'd be back soon with the food. Just then, she looked up for a second and noticed a group of three young wolf males standing in front of her. "Still playing that girly music, little kid?", one of them said laughing in a mocking manner. Coria then realized that it was Freig and his posse, whom often bullied her the most out of anyone. They always preyed upon the fact that Triel was gone a lot and figured Coria would be too scared to tell him.
"Frieg", she began to say in an angry tone. "This "girly" music is what keeps me sane from idiots like you".
Frieg and the other two were rather surprised at this as Coria never stood up to them like this before, but Frieg proceeded to say, "Well well well, looks like the little girl has grown up a bit, but seriously, you're weak, little nobody."
Coria was now getting really angry. "Frieg, last warning, go away or else!" she said.
"Or what?" Frieg mockingly said, getting in her face now. "You're...weak, let me show you how weak right now". At the moment, he grabbed Coria's lute out of her hand, and smashed it on the floor, with a sound that made the entire hall quiet. Coria felt like something in her died at that moment, she rushed to where her splintered lute now lay and getting on her hands and knees, tears starting to gush from her eyes. Holer had just saw seen, on his way back from the serving store, Coria on the floor, in anguish. He dropped everything and ran to where she was, with Frieg and the others laughing at Coria, saying out loud of how she was such a crybaby.
At the moment, something in Coria just snapped. She took her now broken lute, got up and tackled Frieg to the ground. She then proceeded to pummel him repeatedly with it, not noticing that her lute had basically disintegrated and now was a red, glowing, somewhat see through lute that was of a completely different form. Everyone in the hall watched in horror as Coria just beat Frieg senseless. After she got about ten to thirteen hits, Holer was finally able to grab the now glowing instrument, shouting "ENOUGH!....I think he got the point". The instrument then vanished, much to Holer's surprise. Coria wasn't done though, she proceeded to kneel on the floor, grabbing a now bruised and somewhat bloodied Frieg by his shirt collar, saying "You broke my *sob* soul, now you know what it feels like to be BROKEN!"
"Coria, enough!" shouted Holer. "Let me handle this!"
Coria then dropped Frieg, and ran out of the Grand Mess Hall, sobbing madly all the way. Holer, now rather angry, looked at Frieg's posse, demanding what they did. After being told everything from them, and various witnesses, Holer had now fully understood the scope of the fear and torment Coria was going through. He went to look for her, but somehow couldn't find her. Nobody saw her after that, even the various guards, including the one that was stationed outside the Grand Mess Hall had seen her after that. Getting worried, he was about to make a search party for her when a guard from the outer gates leading out of the kingdom rushed to him.
"Holer, we got a problem.", he said.
"Look, I don't have time for this..." Holer said. "Unless you have seen Coria, then I do-"
He was cut of by the guard that then said "That's the thing, Coria, she...she managed to barge passed past us and ran out of the gates"
"WHAT?! She did what?!" Holer said in utter shock. "Get a search party, get her back, now!"
"But I thought only Triel had the authority to-" the guard began to say but Holer quickly cut him off, saying "I don't care! Get a search party, or I'll report you to him on a silver platter!" - This is oddly phrased, and stands out.
"Ok ok! On it now!" the guard replied, rushing out to get one formed.
"Coria..." Holer began to say, with tears in his eyes. "I'm so sorry...please be ok. Please..."
So, there were not a whole lot of changes made from the first draft to this one for chapter 4, but like I had said, I think this was your strongest chapter, anyway. So I do think I’m seeing some degree of improvement here, which is good. As I said at the outset, I think you improved chapter 3 quite a bit, so good job there.
I lot of the stuff you pointed out was the result of me not paying attention more than anything I guess. I'll fix up the last things then get working on Ch. 5 soon enough.
EDIT: Ok, fixed them up, though I just realized that I probably shouldn't have replaced the 1st draft with the 2nd one. Meaning like replace the first "--OLD--" with a new one.
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