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PostPosted: Fri Nov 28, 2014 4:39 pm 
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Yes... I have this story tagged with the name of a plane that doesn't currently exist.

Trigger Warnings: Child Abuse, General Dark Stuff and Heavy Fairytale References

To Spin The Void From Straw

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https://www.fanfiction.net/s/10366646/1 ... od-and-Oil


Last edited by Moonbeam on Fri Jan 02, 2015 7:44 pm, edited 8 times in total.

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PostPosted: Fri Nov 28, 2014 11:06 pm 
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Great story! I love the character and the plane. Her backstory does seem a little dark for a fairytale world though. Even Cinderella's stepmother at her most abusive wasn't that abusive.

Moonbeam wrote:
One day, the queen became pregnant and gave birth

I believe the first part is implicit here, unless human biology is very different in Windelmyr.

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PostPosted: Sat Nov 29, 2014 6:19 pm 
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Great story! I love the character and the plane. Her backstory does seem a little dark for a fairytale world though. Even Cinderella's stepmother at her most abusive wasn't that abusive.


I'm glad you enjoyed it.

And yeah... I'm one of the few people that thinks of making a fairytale world, reads a bunch of Grimm's fairytales, and then tries to write something even darker than those... Still, I don't think it's too much worse than the darker tales out there.

Windelmyr's tone is going to be somewhere in between the tone of Grimm's and Once Upon A time. This was definitely on the darker side of Windelmyr's spectrum.
Quote:
Moonbeam wrote:
One day, the queen became pregnant and gave birth

I believe the first part is implicit here, unless human biology is very different in Windelmyr.


Given the magic Wishstones, it's definitely a possibility. :D ...

Or, at least, the pregnancy wouldn't be a natural one...

Perhaps that line is a little redundant.

Fun fact about Windelmyr: The Wishstones, or Starshards, are all of a single color of mana, and if one was to wish to give birth to a child, that child would be born without a chance of having a Spark, and would only be capable of possessing traits associated with that color of mana.

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A Phyrexian Story
https://www.fanfiction.net/s/10366646/1 ... od-and-Oil


Last edited by Moonbeam on Mon Dec 01, 2014 1:18 pm, edited 1 time in total.

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PostPosted: Sun Nov 30, 2014 12:01 am 
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Thanks a ton for posting and sharing, Moonbeam!

I enjoyed this one. I am a fan of the fairy tale aesthetic and its accompanying tropes, so I'm predisposed to like what you did here. But I think you created something really nice as well. Rimarra intrigues me, and I'm interested to see how she'd fare in a less fairy-tale-esque setting as well.

Since I wasn't totally clear on this, I'll just ask the question: Does she planeswalk at the end of the story?

I just had a couple other quick pieces of feedback.

First, I'd suggest giving this piece a good proofreading pass. It's generally pretty clean, but I stumbled across enough typos that they took me out of the flow of the story from time to time. For example, in the very first graf, a word seems to have gone walkabout:

Quote:
One day, [the queen] gave birth to a daughter, born with thick, golden hair.


Second, the capital-B on "Blessings" has me wondering what meaning that word has in this context. Is a "Blessing" a proper-noun sort of thing on this plane?

Third, this sentence really jumped out at me:

Quote:
The king punched Rimarra in the face, knocking her to the floor.

"Punch" is a very strong word here. If you punch someone, you're striking them with a closed fist, and it comes with a strong presumption that your intention is to hurt. It has a very specific connotation here, that the king punches his daughter in the face. It would be one thing if he slapped her, or even if he struck her. But a punch to the face just seems like a really disproportionate escalation, even given what we know and subsequently learn about the king. It also just kind of jars with the fairy tale tone. People in fairy tales get hit, or struck, or slapped, or beaten, but I think they seldom get punched. It's just a very blunt, brutal word, and I think it really sticks out, given the context.

Which may seem like an awful big to-do about a single word, but it really took me out of the story.

Anyway, I enjoyed reading this one, Moonbeam! So thanks again for sharing this story!

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PostPosted: Mon Dec 01, 2014 11:38 am 
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Thanks for posting, Moonbeam!

I really, really like your use of tone in this story. The first section is told very much like a fairy tale, just as you were going for, and it works well, for the most part. And then, when she shifts away into the second section, you drop that tone, and it reads much more like a conventional story. I think it worked very well.

Orcish mentioned this, but the section where the King punches his daughter bothers me. Not because of what happens, but how it is described. The entire first section of this piece reads very well as a fairy tale, complete with fairy tale language. But then, "punched her in the face" and "smacked here across the face" all read as much more modern to me, and they break you out of the aesthetic you've created. I think that could possibly, maybe work if you didn't then go back to that aesthetic. I have no problem with making that moment stand out, because it is a profoundly important moment, I would just advise taking a look at the word choice.

But over all, I liked this a lot! Thanks for posting!


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PostPosted: Mon Dec 01, 2014 2:02 pm 
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Thanks a ton for posting and sharing, Moonbeam!


:D

Quote:
Since I wasn't totally clear on this, I'll just ask the question: Does she planeswalk at the end of the story?


Yes. She spun a piece of the Blind Eternities into Windelmyr, and touching it triggered her Spark.

And I'm really looking forward to where her story will go from here. One thing about this piece is that while serving as Rimarra's introduction, it revealed very little regarding her personality, since the Windelmyr section was told as a fairytale, and the [Insert Plane Name Here] section was short and told from somebody else's perspective.

Quote:
First, I'd suggest giving this piece a good proofreading pass. It's generally pretty clean, but I stumbled across enough typos that they took me out of the flow of the story from time to time. For example, in the very first graf, a word seems to have gone walkabout:

Quote:
One day, [the queen] gave birth to a daughter, born with thick, golden hair.


Ugh... That's just embarrassing. That's what I get for trying to fix a line with a quick edit. :nonono:

Thanks so much for pointing this out.

Quote:
Second, the capital-B on "Blessings" has me wondering what meaning that word has in this context. Is a "Blessing" a proper-noun sort of thing on this plane?


Pretty much.

A Blessing (capital B) is a specific type of enchantment given by faeries to humans, usually in exchange for Starshards. They must be given early in life, before the mind and body is fully developed. The earlier a Blessing is given, the more powerful it is. Giving a Blessing for a faerie means permanently linking themselves to the human child, and constantly experiencing that child's emotions and pain (though to a lesser extent than the human).


Quote:
"Punch" is a very strong word here. If you punch someone, you're striking them with a closed fist, and it comes with a strong presumption that your intention is to hurt. It has a very specific connotation here, that the king punches his daughter in the face. It would be one thing if he slapped her, or even if he struck her. But a punch to the face just seems like a really disproportionate escalation, even given what we know and subsequently learn about the king. It also just kind of jars with the fairy tale tone. People in fairy tales get hit, or struck, or slapped, or beaten, but I think they seldom get punched. It's just a very blunt, brutal word, and I think it really sticks out, given the context.

Which may seem like an awful big to-do about a single word, but it really took me out of the story.


Orcish mentioned this, but the section where the King punches his daughter bothers me. Not because of what happens, but how it is described. The entire first section of this piece reads very well as a fairy tale, complete with fairy tale language. But then, "punched her in the face" and "smacked here across the face" all read as much more modern to me, and they break you out of the aesthetic you've created. I think that could possibly, maybe work if you didn't then go back to that aesthetic. I have no problem with making that moment stand out, because it is a profoundly important moment, I would just advise taking a look at the word choice.

But over all, I liked this a lot! Thanks for posting!


I was hoping a punch would come across as being rather brutal. Especially given that she's female. In retrospect, I do agree that it breaks the tone a bit. Maybe I'll try struck in its place. It does fit in with the fairytale tone much better and is nearly as brutal.


Quote:
I really, really like your use of tone in this story. The first section is told very much like a fairy tale, just as you were going for, and it works well, for the most part. And then, when she shifts away into the second section, you drop that tone, and it reads much more like a conventional story. I think it worked very well.


I'm really glad this turned out well. I was honestly a little worried that the switch would either not be noticeable or, more likely, that it would be too jarring.

And I can't thank you two enough for your feedback.

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https://www.fanfiction.net/s/10366646/1 ... od-and-Oil


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PostPosted: Sat Dec 06, 2014 5:50 pm 
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Not bad!

I think this line needs capitals- "At last, they came to dark wood."


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PostPosted: Sat Dec 06, 2014 6:59 pm 
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Not bad!

I think this line needs capitals- "At last, they came to dark wood."


Thanks :)

The line was meant to say "a" dark wood. It's fixed.

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PostPosted: Wed Dec 17, 2014 6:57 pm 
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So... I've thought about this a lot, and I decided to revert back to the original wording regarding the punch. I know it breaks the tone a bit, but I'm okay with that. Personally, I think it makes what's happening to her in that moment feel a little more real. A punch or a slap is something that, while not particularly fairytale-y, is something that we can relate to far more than a vague 'strike', or even the lashings. I hope you all can understand my reasoning for this decision.

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PostPosted: Wed Dec 17, 2014 7:02 pm 
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Moonbeam wrote:
So... I've thought about this a lot, and I decided to revert back to the original wording regarding the punch. I know it breaks the tone a bit, but I'm okay with that. Personally, I think it makes what's happening to her in that moment feel a little more real. A punch or a slap is something that, while not particularly fairytale-y, is something that we can relate to far more than a vague 'strike', or even the lashings. I hope you all can understand my reasoning for this decision.

Hey, it's your piece! We all just give advice based on our own opinions. We'll give you our reasons, but it's ultimately up to you. You should never feel like you have to substitute your judgment for ours. You should always look at reasons, of course, and keep your purpose in mind (I've been saying that a lot lately :D ) but yeah, absolutely your call!


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