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A Fractured Story [Poetry, Reboot]
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Author:  Reality Glitch [ Wed Sep 10, 2014 2:10 pm ]
Post subject:  A Fractured Story [Poetry, Reboot]
My love, my love,
adrift the stary sea above.
Free to come and go as you please.
Have you forgotten me with such ease?
Stuck here on the ground,
do you not know I wish to be found?
If only you could know that loneliness tastes so tart,
you would lend an ear, to the tear, of one who you hold near and dear,
your Heart.

My love, my sister,
loneliness hurts like a blister.
Drifting within the æther so vast,
I can do nothing, but search, my face aghast;
lost here in eternity.
If only it weren't an absurdity
to be open to all this infinite wonder
yet as sure as night, still fight, what very well might
be my greatest blunder.

Explanation
Author:  RavenoftheBlack [ Wed Sep 10, 2014 2:40 pm ]
Post subject:  Re: A Fractured Story [Poetry, Reboot]
I like this so far. I enjoy the way you set up the rhyming couplets and then subvert it in the last three lines. I am, admittedly, a very metered/structured sort of poet, so the broken meter is not something I'm personally a fan of, but that's a personal taste thing and not a criticism of the poem. Overall, I enjoy the theme you set up here.

I do have to question some of the word choices, though, particularly some of the more forced rhymes. I think the first stanza (or poem, if these are separate pieces) is pretty solid. The word "tart" really stuck out to me, but other than that, I like it. The second stanza, on the other hand, has some choices that really took me out of the poem. The "thou art" felt really clunky compared to the wording of the rest of the poem, and seemed to only be there for the sake of the rhyme with "Heart." The same felt true for "our home so kind." The "so kind" seemed like it was mostly added for the rhyme. I do, however, like the "eternity-absurdity" rhyme, and "wonder-blunder" works, although I can't help but feel it would have more impact the other way around, with wonder as your final end-rhyme.

Still, though, I like what you've got here, and it will be interesting to see where it goes in the future.

Thanks for posting.
Author:  Reality Glitch [ Wed Sep 10, 2014 9:23 pm ]
Post subject:  Re: A Fractured Story [Poetry, Reboot]
Your very welcome. I've changed some the rhyms you pointed out as forced; I think these actually work better, though, while vast-aghast is a little out there, it seem to me to fit quite well.

One of water, one of fire.
Out first they drew each other's ire.
But with each passing day,
there feelings did sway.
And now their friendship's thicker than brier.

They are my friends.
I have many friends, on many words.
I wish I could see them all again,
but my time wears thin.
My home is in trouble, I must leave at once.
I only hope I'm not too late.
Author:  Lunar Mystic [ Sun Sep 14, 2014 3:56 am ]
Post subject:  Re: A Fractured Story [Poetry, Reboot]
I liked the last one the best, and the third one was fine!

The first two were too dramatic to have that many rymes.
Author:  Reality Glitch [ Mon Sep 15, 2014 4:00 pm ]
Post subject:  Re: A Fractured Story [Poetry, Reboot]
One of many, many as one,
greatness once, but now undone.
No remembers them, save but the devote.
Their fanaticism and fervor spreading through the 'verse
which will bring them back no doubt.
Though their place in a new world they'll need to rehearse.
A wonderer lost, location unknown,
but to him presented a throne.
The new hub of a hive rebuilt from its ash.
"Long live our god" they did rejoice,
but such a golden thing was not meant to last.
For the god-reluctant revoked his voice.
Now they are scattered without consent
yet, somehow, they are content.

"No more!" It cried, fear at shown pretension,
but the dragon payed it very little attention.
The Maelstrom waled in it's pain
when once more the five unite.
All of it to the dragon's gain,
but as it left, a hero showed he's might.
The living land was no more kind.
Reviled at the alien mind.
It was tolerable for but a moment;
then the eye of Ugin was opened.
It could no longer stand the torment
that was so long ago omened.
A plane of metal, it's briefest stop.
Even then, more tragedy added atop.
Author:  Reality Glitch [ Sat Sep 20, 2014 4:05 pm ]
Post subject:  Re: A Fractured Story [Poetry, Reboot]
The darkest nine, their plans all set
to rid their world of all that is holy.
They were ready, had thought of everything,
'cept a 'walker inadvertently bumbling into the mess.
They clashed on the the day the sky shook,
and down fell gemstones as big as themselves.
When all was done, eight were no more,
but Regger, the angel-hunter won that dark day;
for he had sealed the 'walker within its own source of power.
There it waited, waited until another like it could stir it awake.

The day he would come of age, the rattler child felt all alone.
Most of his friends either falling ill or staying when his tribe went away.
But this day of passage into adulthood he would gain a friend.
One to show him the the vastness of everything, a revelation so profound it light his spark.
They ventured out unto many worlds, but to both their reluctances, the rattler choose to stay,
to stay and protect his home, his people, the few other friends he still had.
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