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PostPosted: Sat Jul 19, 2014 7:16 am 
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Another multiparter, not sure how many yet.
part 1
part 2
part 3
part 4
part 5

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Last edited by Reality Glitch on Sat Aug 09, 2014 12:45 pm, edited 7 times in total.

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PostPosted: Sat Jul 19, 2014 10:05 pm 
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Okay, I've read up through part three, and here are some thoughts, starting with some positives.

I like Cylea. She's very in the way she just sort of takes everything in stride and just wants to learn about things. I like the way you played around with the types of snakefolk, and the "cobrians" sound pretty fun to me. You do the kind of subtle world-building that I personally like (and do a lot) where you introduce a world slowly through just a few small comments. Yirridia could prove to be an interesting place as we move forward. I'm not yet sold on the combination between ancient Egypt and American Antebellum South, but I'm not saying it can't work. It's just a VERY odd amalgam, so it'll take some work to convince me it makes sense.

You do a good job of communicating the apparent young ages of both new 'walkers (assuming you want them both pretty young) although I think at least Szetsh seems younger than you want, judging from your dossier on him. I'd guess his age around 12-14 based on what I've seen from him, and Cylea maybe 17-19 or so. That's just my impression, you understand. I really like how Cylea had a problem remembering/pronouncing Szetsh's name. That was a nice little nod to the reader who is seeing an odd/fantasy name. I also really liked how protective Szetsh was of his Wish-Maker, again, playing into his obsession with the thing.

Now, some things I'm not so fond of. There are several things in this piece that remind me of your earlier, Szetsh story. There are still far too many typos and wording choice errors, the most annoying of which is Cylea calling everyone "sweaty." A person is sweaty if they have been perspiring a lot. You mean "Sweety." It really took me out of the narrative every time I saw that. Also, like your earlier piece, this one feels rushed. Even though Cylea is both described and portrayed as someone who wants to learn and experience, she spends practically no time looking around. I mean, I know you have her being attacked by Orochi fairly quickly, but you'd expect some amount of description when she finds herself in a perplexing and illogical (to her world-view) new place.

Her interaction with Yaigi seems pretty "easy." What I mean by that is that he goes from trying to kill her to helpfully leading her to his tribe without much real convincing. It begs the question of why he shot at her in the first place. I also have a problem with the line "Please don't eat miss fox." I assume you mean "Please don't eat me, miss fox," but as it stands, he's telling her not to eat miss fox, whoever that might be. Also, I should note that traditionally, internal monolog is represented by italics, not "<>" marks.

Part three bothers me pretty much all the way through, to be honest. I dislike that trope of the snakes dropping down in worship of Cylea like that. It's a similar problem to the one of the accents from the last story, in a way. Also, for a spell like creating an earthquake, with the power-level Cylea seems to be on (who you establish right off the bat is only an apprentice) such a spell should be fairly difficult, and you should probably show us the effect it has on her to cast it. Also, while I'm not expert on Kamigawa by any stretch, I'm concerned where you're going with the whole "Wayfinder" thing. Someone else will have to comment on the various accuracies or lack thereof in Kamigawa lore.

Those are my thoughts so far, anyway.


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PostPosted: Sat Jul 19, 2014 11:33 pm 
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I've removed the sweaty/sweety bits, the autocorrect got me on that one. I've also pulled part three for a complete rewrite.

Yaigi isn't the one who was firing the arrows, one of the white-scaled orochi was, it was hinting at the rival tribe.

I have adulthood for the Day of Passage at 18 or so human equivalent, the behavioral regression is partly because of the dementia Wish-Maker's presence places on his mind, if you look, he's acting youngest when Wish-Maker is threatened. Cylea is early-to-mid twenties. (though I may need to brush up on the more subtle differences there in.)

The way I envision the Egypt and Antebellum mixing is the cobrians being more Egyptian and the mungus as southern.

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PostPosted: Wed Jul 23, 2014 2:58 pm 
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new part 3

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PostPosted: Mon Jul 28, 2014 10:53 pm 
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I've added part 4 to the first post. I think I'm ready to wrap this one up.

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PostPosted: Wed Aug 06, 2014 6:29 pm 
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5th and final part is up, I'll be requesting this to be archived soon.

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